BPDFamily.com

The past couple of months I've made numerous topics and a lot of posts about my former relationship with my ex uBPDgf. I've noticed sharing my feelings and getting feedback from you all helps a tremendous deal while I am waiting for a good T that will help me heal further. Some members have commented on the fact that they appreciate that I am so open about my feelings, especially on the topic I made about suicide. So I will continue to do just that, being open about my feelings and talking about it with you fine folks.

So now that I am truly sure about the end of this relationship (as I've spend last night with my ex and my new replacement at a party), it is time to do some soul searching and find out what makes me so unhappy, and why I've stayed so long in a relationship that was clearly disfunctional from the very beginning.

I talk a lot with my parents, and they've been helping me a tremendous amount. They come by whenever I feel the need to talk, which is multiple times a week. I also call with them each day. They are very happy that I am out of this relationship, but at the same time struggle as well with how hard it is for me to deal with it. It is very clear to them and also to me that I'm really in a depression right now.

So I've had another talk with them today and for the first time in these months I felt like we finally made some progress. I think I've found the answer about why I am so unhappy about the ending of the relationship now, and why I stayed so long in it. The answer is:

I am unhappy with my entire life.

The relationship was a bandage, so to speak, that enabled me to go on living life like nothing was wrong. Of course, the relationship was terrible and highly toxic, but I held on to it for so long because it was the only thing that really gave me a purpose and some sort of twisted feeling of happiness.

While I have my own house and am very glad with it, I think deep down I am very unhappy with the general flow of my life. I am the editor in chief for a website, it is what I always wanted to do since I was little, but I think I know now that it is not what makes me happy. Part of it is the commute to work. It takes 2,5 hours to get to work each day, and 2,5 hours to get back. That's 5 hours of my day wasted. It also makes it difficult to pick up new stuff to do, to introduce new elements in my life that might make me happy. When I was in the relationship, this wasn't a big deal because at least I knew that I could get home in the evening and spend some time with my ex (although most of the time was terrible, of course, but I always hoped we would have a nice night).

I am not going to do anything drastic like give up on my job. Of course not, I am not crazy. But it felt like a relieve to talk to my parents about how unhappy I am with my life and how things are going. I am going to adress this with my future T and see what happens from there. I am in the very lucky position that my father has the financial ability to support me. Don't get me wrong, I am not spoiled, but he WILL help me if things go wrong financially. That is a very comfortable safety net that I am very grateful for. Once I go to my T and go soul searching some more, I will then hopefully find out what the best course of action is and I will adjust my life so that I can finally become happy.

So, to conclude, I am finally, slowly, quitting the thought process that my ex and the break up are the source of my depression. I am starting to see that the source of my depression is the death of the bandage (the relationship) that I used to cover up my unhappiness in life in general. That thought alone has made me feel better than I have felt in a long time these past couple of months.

Thanks for reading, and I am curious if any of you people have found similar conclusions after the break up.

I have been coming to the same realization myself... .8 years ago when I met my exBPDgf I was deeply unhappy - and I am now beginning to "own" how GREAT it felt to find a band-aid (my exBPDgf) to cover it all up.    

It also explained why I kicked and screamed so hard (metaphorically) when the band-aid was ripped off.  I struggled mightily to put that band-aid back on (by holding on to a r/s that was rapidly becoming toxic and unhealthy).  In the end, that caused me waaaaaaaaay more pain that just letting it go and dealing with my own unhappiness.

I think you (and I) are feeling better because within this realization is a reclaiming of our power - that our lives and our happiness are in OUR hands - not in our ex's hands.  We can take concrete steps - concrete ACTIONS - to change our lives and so increase our happiness.  It's not magic - we have to change something to change something!