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 think my rage stage has ended and now in depression stage... .past three days its been very hard to get out of bed, Sunday  i got up at 1pm... .in my anger stage i felt so much tension i was concerned for my body... .now its like air came out of the balloon and also genuinely  tired... .i think 2 months of madness and 4 weeks NC,  the body has decided to just take a break... .still alternating between  being angry and sad but in a more normal way.

One thing that keeps happening is slides of memories from 1st year of the relationship intruding... .pre betrayals... .before i realized he was a liar, cheat, self serving nasty person. ... i just though he was very difficult, but i thought him faithful and truthful. ... it was also the year he was most serious about getting married... .many memories of this time are good and bitter sweet, as after the first year so much stuff went down, incuding him breaking up, cheating, taking another womans money (she gave it to him, in the multiple 4 digits), hiding that from me, and hiding the ongoing emotional affair with this woman from me for several months... .this betrayal happened 2 years ago but i guess i am still procesing it... .delayed reaction

I think I am a bit traumatized. Did not realize how much till now... .

Also... .i seem to be processing events i thought i had already dealt with... .its like i am running all the history of this relationship  through a virus scan over and over and finding new bugs... .or old bugs that are still in there, with an emotional charge... .

I really wish i did not have to work with power gaming supervisor right now, hes really triggering me... .the grief trauma break up with supervisor added is a bit much

Will. Get. Through. This.

Determined but tired.

Tough stuff... .and cheating is a painful betrayal which cuts to our very cores.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Hello Ridingthewaves,

I too was cheated on by the lady I believed to be my destiny.  It was a devastating experience and I remember the stage of depression well. It is not a nice place to be but in a way it is a protective stage and you may not realise it but you are recovering.  After six months NC I noticed she occupied a much smaller room in my head.  A few weeks ago I woke up and thought to myself - enough is enough: my life and time to start living it again.  I decided to go on a date with the nice lady from the dating site who wanted to see me.  It was a great date and made me realise that I was the one with something to offer not the abusive uexBPDgf.  You will recover and life will be better than it was.  Loneliness, depression, anger and neglect - all these negative conditions can trick us into believing we were better off with the partner and the disorder, but in truth you are better off now and you shall soon see this to be true.  Hang in there and keep on keep reading the posts on this site.  This site is an oasis and a real saviour for those of us that suffered from contact with the disorder.

I'm so sorry. It is such a challenge when we realize how our compasses for what is normal have been completely turned wonky and we are left with the grief. While I don't have personal experience yet of how things will improve, I can read here on the forums of other's accounts and find a tiny bit of hope.

There are times when I feel jealous of my soon to be ex as she's up to her ears in a new relationship and batch of friends. While the idea of that kind of anesthetic is often appealing, I know ultimately it would a short cut for me. A lovely and sometimes awful quote from Fritz Perls; "The only way out is through."

I wish it were easier. 

Hi Ridingthewaves, I'm sorry to hear about your encounter. All the cheating and lying must have made it even harder for you to deal with the break up. It is like a complete other layer of hurt and confusion to deal with. I find what saintjude said in the above really made a lot sense. we are abandoned with a warp normalcy, and until we have managed to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign our expectations, we will be stuck in this confused grief. Me too always hope for the easy way out. Running from T to T to find one that could take away my pain. Until I realize that no matter who many Ts I talk to, how many how many Ts reassured me that it's not my fault, none of them can take away the pain. We just have to ride through this. It is indeed a lonely and tiring journey. But just remember you are not alone and we will be here to lend a 'reading eye'! :)

xoxo

Thank you for the support, the cheating happened May 2013 and I found out about it Jan 2014, exactly a year ago. And it was his confession and we, in theory, worked through it... .he had recommitted to the relationship, wanted a clean state and I gave it... .we worked through it for several months, then of course the push pull behaviors started again... .three rounds of push pull between Jan 2014 and December ... .I think I am reprocessing it because it was painful and worked through it to preserve us and because we were planning again to get married... .honeymoon feelings were back... .and in many ways we did get closer... .but he still could not handle the intimacy long term... .and in December I realized he never would and I pulled the plug. The closeness /abandonment cycle was killing me. More than the cheating. Now reprocessing the cheating and wondering if he was maybe cheating on me again now... .he withdraw all contact in a similar way. I will never know :-(

Its a real rollercoaster ride the end of this relationship, just like the relkationship was ... .every day I am feeling something different, but extreme... .first nothing, then after two weeks a week of rage, then depression... .now just acutely feeling heart pain and missing him , as I realize we are truly done... .wondering what this relationship was all about... .all the effort I put in to understand, work it out... .now its just gone... .and with no closure... .he was my companion for so long and now its like he never existed.

Everything in my home reminds me of him. Even my yard and cats. He liked one of cats in particular as he was a stray I adopted and he is a bit bipolar... .it figures he liked the hissy bipolar cat with issues ;-)

Thank you for all the support... .I wish I could reply to each of you but in the middle of all this under grueling work shedule with not nice project supervisor :-( I dont have that much time to write... .just know that I appreciate all the feedback and support from each of you... .

Much love

Katie