BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

My sister has has borderline personality disorder her whole life. She has actually been cutting herself since the age of 2, which is so appalling. She's 5 years older than me and last June I finally cut contact, which was the hardest thing to do.

I have a wide variety of health difficulties and the constant drama and abuse exacerbated my lung problems to such an extent that I spent most of last year in the hospital.

I am unable to let go emotionally and I always teeter on the edge of contacting her again because I am so worried about whether or not she's harming herself or what her emotional state is. But I am always prevented by the remembrance of the stress that caused me to almost die myself.

Is it normal to feel so guilty and incapable? She refuses to go for psychological help as she strongly views it as a stigma. What else should I do to help her from my current standpoint? Everyone else in her life has abandoned her as well due to her violence (she is an avid physical and mental abuser), which makes me feel even more guilty.

Hi Caringfromafar

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to our online community  It can be very though having a sister with BPD. Her situation sounds very difficult and I understand how this would have caused you a lot of stress yourself. It's clear that you love her but the situation was really taking it's toll on you. You made a hard decision to cut contact, but considering your own health problems I do believe you made the right choice. How is your health now?

She is still your sister so I understand the emotional ties you still feel to her even though you've gone no contact. How did your sister respond to you going no contact? Did she try to reach out to you?

There are people with BPD who through hard work have managed to get a better grip on their difficult thoughts and emotions which has enabled them to improve their behavior. For this to happen, it is essential that the person fully acknowledges his or her issues and fully commits to treatment/therapy. Your sister refuses to go for psychological help, this is very unfortunate. Do you feel that your sister at least does acknowledge that there's something wrong with her on a deeper emotional and mental level?

You can't change people if they don't want to change themselves. This is a hard reality to face when it comes to our own family-members but it is the harsh reality of BPD. What you can do is change your own behavior and try to be very mindful of your own emotional and mental well-being. Going no contact seemed to be a necessary step for you since your health was being effected by the stress your sister caused.

I am glad you're reaching out for support here. Many of our members know what it's like to have BPD family-members. I too have an older (undiagnosed) BPD sister and I know how challenging this can be. Do you at this point have people in your life that can support you as you deal with all of this?

Hi Caringfromafar

and welcome to the community.

I really feel for you in your struggle. Loving someone who hurts themselves and others causes so much pain and stress doesn't it? I am sad for both you and her as it is not the r/ship anyone would wish for their sibling or themselves. It is understandable that you are worried about her - you have spent your whole life that way, no doubt.

Unfortunately, like Kwamina says it's impossible to help someone who won't help themself and so all we can do is try our best to be as healthy and well as we can and be hopeful yet realistic. not an easy balance, for sure.

Are there any other members of your family who are in touch with her? Are you getting support from them? In a family where someone is disordered the whole family can be quite focussed on the one that is unwell and  friction because of it prevents the family from gaining a measure of peace and happiness that is present in healthy families.

Besides the cutting have there been other actions or behaviours that have led you to believe she has BPD?

In any case I think you made a brave and healthy decision to cut off contact. It is self abuse to stay committed to someone who treats us poorly. I hope the stress levels have dropped and helped you to find more peace and better health.

It is natural you would feel a certain amount of guilt and obligation to your sister - have you thought about ways to manage this that will consolidate your decision and reduce your worry? There is some good information available through the site that may help you with that.

I will link a page that outlines how guilt fear and obligation work in these types of r/ships.

Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

I hope this is some help to you.

Ziggiddy

Hi Caringfromafar,

I have a similar story so I can totally relate.  My sister has had BPD as long as I can remember. She has always been mean and abusive to me. I don't have any good memories of us together has children or teens. As adults I witnessed so many destructive behaviors I can't even count. I just didn't know how to handle it, I couldn't help her, I couldn't fix it.  I finally made the decision to cut it off so there was a period of 10 years I did not speak to her.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  We began communicating again because I thought she was healthier. I was wrong. After 4 years, her life is in constant turmoil. One thing after another. She hasn't worked in years and now she's on disability. She continues to make horrible choices for herself. I don't know how to stand by and watch her self destruct.

A big thank you to all of you here for your support. To answer Ziggiddy's question, yes she exhibited many other borderline behaviors. Her relationships did not last long. I still remain friends with her last boyfriend who experienced considerable amount of trauma at her hands. She had gone to his country to meet him but then physically abused him and was also the catalyst for him fainting in his workplace. That incident occurred because she had screamed at him for 24 hours continuously and would not allow him to drink water or eat anything. This type of behavior was typical at home, but her boyfriend obviously was unable to grasp what was happening.

Thank you so much for the resources to help me sort out my feelings of guilt and regret! My health is improving now, I had 3 lung surgeries after I cut contact with her and now I am in the recovery phase. I appreciate you all for taking the time out to assist me, and I hope to be more active in this community.

Hi sisters3,

I am so sorry you have had to go through this experience. Did your sister take any steps to get psychological support?  I also sometimes think that my sister has perhaps become healthier and I should open up communication with her again. My sister does work, but she's constantly at odds with other coworkers and has tantrums at work if anyone gives her constructive criticism.

I think it is highly important for you to be healthy yourself, no matter what. Like many BPDs, my sister would try her utmost to prevent me from having friends and went to great lengths to ruin my friendships with others. My hope is that you are not blaming yourself for anything because none of this is your fault. You seem to be a wonderful empathetic sister. I am not an expert by any means, and what I am saying here is still theoretical for me because many times I find myself surrounded by the never ending "what if" questions and guilt. I hope we can continue to support each other; it is a pleasure to meet you.

Hi again Caringfromafar

Thanks for giving this update. I had been thinking about how things were going with you.


You've been through a lot but I'm very glad you're in recovery now and your health is improving :)


I can imagine how surreal these experiences must have been for him. You say your sister also physically abused him, this is very concerning. Has she ever been physically abusive to you? Did you feel (physically) safe around her?


Take care   and I hope to see you around then

Yes, I was physically abused as well. When I spend time with her I never felt physically safe. I tried to speak as little as possible because I did not want to trigger an outburst and the accompanying physical abuse. However, she is perceptive and would call me out on this technique as well, which would result in another emotional tirade.

I finally read the article posted about guilt above and although I agree with all the solutions in it, it seems so difficult to actually implement during an emotionally volatile episode! As the article suggested I tried to calmly validate her feelings, but it did not calm her down. Perhaps I was not being consistent enough. Furthermore, the article said to expect even more aggressive behavior after the validation which is what I have not been able to accept.

Hi : Caringfromafar

I am also glad you sent us an update.

I can identify with your feelings about physical abuse - it's the gift that just keeps on giving isn't it? 

I can also understand your wanting to use communication tools and also gettign the "I see what you're doing response' i recall feeling like that too. I found it worth focussing on what I wanted for myself rather than what I want for them to get out of it.

Something like this - I used validation and SET with my brother a lonnng time ago and tried to offer to listen to him better hoping we could resolve conflict a bit more  like civilised people without screaming, name calling or abuse/bullying. he said ":)on't you try using your psychological techniques on ME!" I felt like I'd done it wrong or failed because he didn't respond the way I'd hoped.

However focussing on the part where I tried to set a better example made me feel better. I was doing it right even if he put down the technique plus I was doing it for the right reason -I wanted to reduce conflict.

It is not your choice how your sister reacts and yes if she reacts with 'seeing through' what you are doing it can make you uncomfortable but you could respond with something like "I am not trying to trick you I am trying to find a way to communicate with you. it's your choice whether you want to find a way to communicate with me respectfully.' You really do have the right and the duty to yourself to set boundaries - this is more true of physically abusive people. you don't deserve to be treated with abuse, caringfromafar. I hope you will continue to try and find ways to protect yourself. You can't control others but you can certainly set limits on how their behaviour is going to cause you to behave in return.

Best of luck

Ziggiddy

Hi CaringFromAFar!

That sounds like a really tough relationship to have in your life and it takes a lot of courage to take really hold your boundaries and cut contact. It’s important for you to take care of yourself and it seems like trying to be always be there for your sister has really had a significant impact not only on your own mental health but also your physical health.

I know what it’s like to be so emotionally connected and finding it difficult to step back. My sister is uBPD and right now I am stuck in this constant cycle of chaos where she is triggered by an event and goes into full on panic mode. No matter what happens it always goes back to the same place, everyone is against her, no one is really there for her and she ends the whole tirade by threatening suicide and letting everyone know that it is our fault she wants to kill herself. The other day she told me that when she kills herself that she wants me to know that it was because of me and that she hopes that when she dies that the guilt haunts me for the rest of my life. Nice conversation to have before going to bed eh?

Normally I would feel so much guilt after she said something like that and I would questions if I really had done all that I could to help her. Maybe I was being selfish when she was feeling so down? But then I thought, wait a minute what about what I need? How come I have to sacrifice my well-being for you? That does not feel healthy or right.

Through a lot of self-reflection I have recently decided that apart for doing as much as I can to ensure that she’s safe (i.e. keeping a safety plan, going to the emergency room etc). If she decides to take a bottle of pills as a way to hurt me or those around me, I’m not going to allow myself to feel guilty/badly for it. It is ultimately her choice, we are here to support her in anyway that we can but everyone has boundaries and no matter what a person might be going through they do not have the right to overstep or disregard the boundaries of another person. Using manipulation tactics and threats to guilt people into doing what you want or as a way to keep them around is unhealthy and unstable and it eventually a situation like that is just going to implode in on itself. If your sister does do something to herself know that she is responsible for her behavior.

Yes, it’s true BPD is debilitating and she is going through a lot of emotional turmoil that non-BPD might not be able to comprehend but she cannot use her pain to hurt you. It’s hard to separate your love for her from her negative behaviors. You have done the best you can and you’ve been there to support her but she abused that by trying to guilt you. You are not responsible for her behavior, or if other people in her life choose to leave her. You have to do what is best for you at the end of the day. If you were to stay in contact with her how helpful would it be if you were going to be so sick all the time? Would you really be able to support her? Who would support you?

I hope that this board can be a helpful place for you and that you get some answers to the questions you have. Although you may not feel it, you are strong and this will be something that you work through in time. 

Hi There,

I'm very sorry for your pain.  I have a BPD mother and I know ALL too well what you are going through.  

First off, it's very normal to experience guilt.  I experienced so much guilt that's why I allowed my mother to do things I'd NEVER think i'd let a person do.  This is because we love them.  They are family.  I noted something you said about you feeling sorry because everyone else abandon her due to abuse.  This was my exact same feelings.  I would think to myself she has no one else, I must be there for her.  Take a look at those relationships and the people who "left" your sister.  Ask yourself why they left, take the viewpoint of both sides.  That's what I did with my mom.  Sometimes when someone's run off so many people and they have manipulated you into thinking they are the victim, it's hard to see the reality of the situation.  Looking at WHY people left my mother's life helped me realize it was HER OWN BEHAVIOR.  

Second, please take what I'm saying very seriously.  These people have the ability to make you seriously physically ill.  I'm so glad someone addressed this.  I am a person who keeps things mostly inside.  I thought I dealt with my moms BPD well, but my insides felt differently.  I'm a very healthy 30 year old in good physical shape, yet I fainted and on two separate occasions I was hospitalized.  One time I thought I was dying due to a panic attack.  It wasn't just a feeling of having a heart attack my entire body hurt.  It was extreme physical pain that was due to the stress.  Not once did a doctor have a solid answer.  Just a couple of months ago before cutting my mom off completely, I went out to eat with my partner after my mom went off the deep end.  I ate all of my food and then about 10 minutes later feeling very upset and anxious as we got to the car I vomited.  I could not face the facts that it was my own mother and the toll of YEARS of her behavior making me ill.  I googled food poisoning and a ton of other things through this "mystery" illness.  Be kind to yourself and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.  I wish I had sooner.  It's telling you a loud message: you are hurting.  I'm not telling you to cut off your sister entirely or any advice.  I'm just saying do not think that dealing with these people is a sustainable way to live.  Soon, your body will be unable to cope, just as you will.  

Best of luck and we are here for you