BPDFamily.com

I had never seen this data lined up in one place.  :)

When looking at this with a centered and balanced mind (WiseMind) what are the top three points that you see as the take-away message for members in all this?  If you were to say, "this is what the data says... ."

(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/6studies.png) (http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/bpdfamily.com#Member_studies)

Here are two:

(1) Despite having fears of abandonment, the pwBPD is more often than not the one doing the abandoning. 

(2) Despite some claims on the Internet that you shouldn't fear physical violence from pwBPD, and that pwBPD are more likely to be victims of physical violence than perpetrators, the evidence suggests that pwBPD seem to hit their partners at a high rate and that this is often unilateral. 

Can you add anything that relates to the non-BPD partner?

A high percentage of non-BPD partners exhibited characteristics of co-dependency, as well as signs of depression.  Neither should come as a surprise.

Did you know this before getting help?

Yes, the depression % seems high.  I don't know how this compares to the general population.  From my own experience, I can say that I went from happy to depressed.  It seems like dealing with a pwBPD tends to gradually pull people down and then abruptly pull them under at some point.  

Non-BPD 'partners' are more abused, cheated on, and abandoned than pwBPD.

The data shows…

That non’s have a high percentage of depression and co-dependent traits. Perhaps, these traits stem from an unhealthy self-concept for the non, likely learned traits as tools for ‘protection’ or self-preservation. It seems that this is part of a larger cycle within the non’s life.

What this tells me is that Non’s might do well to accept that they are truly powerless in effecting meaningful change in their BPD’s actions. Perhaps the non would do best to focus on their own health and well-being and start the process of unraveling the reasons for their depression/co-dependency issues.

In my own personal situation, I see myself in this data. I see how far I allowed this to go, down a dark path…and for what? That co-dependent thing, to ‘manage the environment to ensure the best possible outcomes’ which, in a healthy environment wouldn’t be an issue. This experience has reinforced already established unhealthy coping tools.

Intellectually, I ‘get it’ and there’s still a war waging between my head and my heart…not my love for him…but my heart and what I believe is RIGHT and what I should do….as opposed with what actually IS right and what I NEED to do.

I've battled depression for years, so it is something I was treating even before meeting my ex-BPD wife.  The co-dependency was something I maybe had an inkling about, but it hadn't really materialized fully until marriage to a BPD.  Addressing that has come after the fact (i.e., after separation/divorce), with heartfelt thanks to this site for helping me to begin to really identify it.

The comment about the results not being a surprise is more in reference to seeing the stories on this site... .no surprise in that a good many 'nons' are experiencing similar issues and should be dealing with said issues since they were strong factors in their part of their relationship with a pwBPD.

I am not surprised by the depression numbers. I am not clinically depressed or medicated for it but it's hard not to be depressed when your marriage or partner is splitting etc... .It's just a hard road to go down.

A funny quote:

Before you decide that you are depressed make sure you are not surrounded by jerks putting you down.

My primary takeaways are that people who have relationships with pwBPD tend to struggle with depression and exhibit codependent tendencies.

I've had depression almost all my life, honestly (diagnosed at 19), so this part doesn't surprise me. I can definitely see the codependent parts of myself, although neither I nor my T consider me to be truly codependent.

The codependency makes sense. The depression is another matter. I don't think the study differentiated between chronic depression and situational depression (i.e., during the relationship and/or after the breakup). It would be interesting to delve deeper into why people prone to depression seem to be drawn to these types of relationships.

What about the statistic showing 47% of respondents had six or more breakups? (Other than the obvious, "we're gluttons for punishment."  ) I think the stat accurately represents the addictive nature of these relationships... .so what does that say about us partners? That we're addicts? I know that's further confirmation of codependent tendencies, but it seems like there's more there, too.

I suggest to add the recent POLL in which was asked for the duration of the relationship (can’t find the link)

The outcome shows that a 65% fails within 36 months.

A 25% lasts between 4 and 20 yrs.

A 10 % lasts longer than 20yrs.

Based on this, the consequences for the non-BPD partner are devastating even within a relative short relationship.

BTW: a Wiki page more than worthy to sent to my old P. 

   

This is what the data says about the relationships between a pwBPD and a member of the bpdfamily.

I mean, it is less likely that a balanced, strong, self-confident person (or, on the other hand, a selfish, abusive, narcissistic person ) would looking for answers and becomes member of the bpdfamily.

Are you referring to this:

69% 49% 36% 29% 24% 21% 21% - 10%

Lasted 1 year Lasted 2 years Lasted 3 years Lasted 4 years Lasted 5 years Lasted 6 years Lasted 7 years -- Lasted 20 years or more

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235952

Does this differ from the norm? I don't know.  How would it look if we surveyed the staying board?

This is a very complex issue for a simple survey. For example, the OP mixed dating and marriage couples together.

www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/05/19/15-ways-to-predict-divorce.html


Interesting point.


Please do  *)

Regarding the depression stat. There are two aspects, nons with a history of depression and nons that became depressed as a result of being in a r/s with a pwBPD or as a result of breaking up with a pwBPD. And how would you ever untangle PTSD from depression after the bu of a r/s?

THANKS for the laugh.   *)

Wow, I never really thought about that.  Specifically, I never really thought about where I learned those "coping tools".  Hmmmm... .childhood is calling... .

"What this tells me is that Non’s might do well to accept that they are truly powerless in effecting meaningful change in their BPD’s actions. Perhaps the non would do best to focus on their own health and well-being and start the process of unraveling the reasons for their depression/co-dependency issues."

If I could get him out of my head and heart I could focus more on me. This site has helped me learn more about myself and my needs.

What amazes me in this study is the number of nons that were physically abused. It makes me feel very sad. It is hard enough to get verbally and emotionally abused. Mine never hit me although I was often afraid of that. His temper was frightening.

The responding data from this study stands clearly out. 

1) Nons are codependent.  Whether they choose to believe so or not.  They are.  Which is why they remained in a situation where their BPD partner cheated on them physically/emotionally, split them and then successfully retrieved then in excess of 6xs before ultimately completely leaving them.

2) Nons have the very same tendency with poor boundaries in the

r/s which ultimately becomes the set up for tolerating emotional and quite alarmingly a high percentage, physical abuse in the r/s.

3) Nons either have a genetic predisposition to depression and/ or their codependency results in significant depression as a result of remaining in the r/s.

* These  data results, as is the entire experience in a pBPD r /s, really ARE for the Nons to reflect on.  We can dissect BPD as long as we need to, but thats just the stem of the "whys."  The real answers lie at the root. 

I was a Non who experienced  this all until I got to the root. 

The one primary an overwhelming inference is do not get mixed up with someone with BPD ever again or if you are in a relationship there is a world of hurt there the second is that paople with BPD have violent an unstable relationships ( suprise ) The third though this point seems moot from the data is BPD are attracted to either co dependent or depressed people or they cause co dependency and deppression ( or either or or both )

Q999 

I think my relationship with uBPDex was not typical in some aspects. There was no physical abuse and no break-up/make-up-cycles. The first break-up was the final break-up. But my ex told me there was physical abuse in her marriage and three or four break-ups before she finally left him (he was away over the weekend and when he came back, he found an empty apartment).

Is it just coincidence or does it say anything about me, that our relationship didn't go to the extremes before it ended?

That’s the one Skip, thanks.


A 65% that ends within 36 months. Seems the average duration of a marriage in OECD countries is ca. 13,6 yrs. / US 8 yrs.

I agree it was the Poll at BPD family is indeed small and a mix of marriage and dating, which muddles the outcome. 

www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2014/02/daily-chart-10


IMO that would be interesting to find out as the target of Staying Board members differs from the Leaving Board.

Personally, before getting a member, I gained a lot of insight and learned techniques (even discussed them in my local Group) by reading the Staying Board (started a 3 yrs. before the break up) in order to coop with and trying to continue my r/s 30+ yrs. (it paid off, outbursts minimized to once a yr. and giving so much more stability within the family. Couldn’t prevent the final one however).