BPDFamily.com

I just realized that my partner blames me not only for our relationship problems, but any time I tell him about an outside situation - no matter how big or small or blatantly obvious it is that it's not "my" fault" - it's still MY fault.  It's always that I reacted wrong - apparently the whole world is perfect except for me and my reactions! I never realized how much that hurts and corrodes your self-esteem until recently - in fact, I wasn't aware he does that until I noticed it one day and pick up on it all the time now.  He will always take the other person's side and I guess when you're in a partnership, you expect the person to have your back and not a complete stranger's one.  A few weeks ago, I got hit by another car and of course I was upset, but according to my partner, I'm wrong in my reaction for being upset.  Now that I see this pattern, I don't tell him anything... .half the time I'm just telling him something that happened and he'll find how I was wrong.  It's so frustrating and irritating especially when HIS reaction is always the same no matter what.  He rages and gets mad... .I guess it's projection cause it's actually him that is always upset to the nth degree no matter what happened!  Does anyone else notice this with your BPD?

Oooh YES. Going through these issues now. It is maddening. I try not to JADE, but I have worked my way through the facts with my BPDgf and she just don't get it. Even when it is blatantly obvious that something is not my fault and the circumstances and perspectives are worked through she will only give a blank look. When you go there the mental illness really shows. I'm not sure I should go there as it is hard on the relationship but I don't doubt my sanity any longer. it is hard on her also. She will often blame herself when her less than ideal behaviour is pointed out to her or she takes an action that causes me hurt.

The tool I am experimenting with at the moment I call ":)on't play the Blame Game". It is a tool I have created out of pure need for the relationship to function... .or... .evolve.

Simply put. No "blame" is ever assigned to either of us. It is simply not permitted. It hasn't stopped her trying. When something negative or unpleasant occurs in the relationship and she assigns blame to me for it. I shift, tell her I'm NOT playing "The Blame Game" and work through the REAL issues based on fact to assign accountability to the person responsible. NOT blame. Real accountability for behaviour based on a shared reality.

It is working to a degree but she is always wanting to assign blame to me for things that are based on her belief system, not reality. I withdraw and analyse the situation with her after I have thought things through and then attempt to resolve it with her. I always reassess my actions and look for any responsibility for my part and accept and share that with her.

I am hopeful my acceptance of responsibility will help her with her part... .need to be careful with mirroring here. I wish her to take real accountability not just say what she thinks I need to hear to maintain the relationship or for it to even survive.

I don't believe my system is endorsed by medical professionals, any university, or BPD expert.  . but hey, whatever works.

I'll let you know how it goes.  :)