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Well, it’s been a while since there have been money issues, but to make a long story short, my h’s reckless spending has come into light once again, in a big way.  The good thing is that this time I wasn’t taken by surprise. |iiii

I’m going to have to put my salary into an account that my h doesn’t have access to. You must be wondering what took me so long.  It’s just another thing that I kept expecting to get better.

I have a feeling that this is not going to go over well.  His income is needed to support our household too, so some of his salary will need to be transferred into the account that he can’t take money out of. 

I really don’t know what his reaction will be.  Fresh on the heels of his acknowledging that he wasted money that we needed to pay for some large expenses, he may accept it.  But I think he may be very offended that my salary won’t be available to him for his overspending.  He may look at this as some kind of competition and retaliate by having his own salary deposited into a separate account too, and contribute only what he wants to contribute toward our monthly bills instead of the amount that is actually needed.  He would still be able to spend and spend while I’m trying to make ends meet.  I can see him doing that and feeling just fine with it.

As far as the separate account goes for my salary, it’s a just do it kind of boundary to protect my income and have the means to provide for our family.  I can stand up for myself there, but does anyone have any advice about a situation in which the spouse would need to contribute to household funds that are in an account he cannot access? 

 

This is difficult as you are effectively wanting to "force" him to do something that you know you can't physically do.

Are there things that you pay for that he wouldn't want to do without that you can hand total responsibility to him. This may mean you have to do without it either. eg capital items on lease? Cutting out shopping items that he really wants as the first step in cutting back to meet the budget.

I went through this as my partner blew her entire money and whatever she could get her hands on when she was drinking.

It will cause a war zone, but you wont be able to live with yourself if you are not firm

Another alternative would be to set up your own account, keep part of your salary in the account he has access to, and some in your own.

Years ago, I saved a portion of my income. My income was much smaller than his. My H is very resentful of this, however, what I saved is much smaller than what he spent on his own things. He points out that it is unfair, but he has had a similar arrangement at times for his own expenses, and he has access to the major part of our money. He often has expressed his resentment of household expenses and then said he feels that I have been very responsible with it. I have been frugal. I have never made a large purchase behind his back, but he has done this several times without me knowing about it until later.

My H is responsible with money in general, and he supports us. I thought we were on the same page about finances, when years ago, I noticed some money missing and found out he had made some large purchases on some things for himself and didn't tell me. I didn't know about BPD at the time. When I asked him, he raged and told me that if he made the money, then he'd get to decide what to do with it.

I think people can and should have some money for individual purchases, and we do, but I think large ones should at least be communicated about. I can't really have a complaint about his support, I am grateful, but there still is the sense that it is his money, not ours, even though he has apologized about his former spending. He still goes on what I call "sprees" where he suddenly has to have something. It feels sort of like an addiction, but he thankfully stays within budget.


He will periodically bring up the account in my name. It isn't hidden since statements come to the house and we file taxes jointly. He hates that I have it. I simply say that he spent some of our money and I chose to save mine. Money is joint property in our state, so it is legally half his in any dispute. I think he hates it because it is a symbol of me having something separate from him, and something he can not control.

You can make the account, but I doubt your H would agree on it. I just did it.

How sad is it that relationship difficulties leak into so many aspects of life.

I think this is something I'm going to have to deal with at some point too.  Luckily my GF inherited some money a couple of years ago and is spending this at the moment and to be fair to her she does top up with joint account when necessary but I'm worries what will happen when its all gone.  She's paying for some work to be done on the house imminently so that will take a big chunk of it.  She doesn't spend big but constantly buying cheap stuff that we don't need then throwing out the old and repeating it a few months later plus buying the kids stuff they don't need etc.  Also she's going away for the 3rd time this year next weekend so that will be costing a bit! She just can't seem to resist going away, we've weekends already booked in February and May plus she's away with her mum and the kids for two weeks over Easter, away for her 40th in June with Friends, wants us to go away to celebrate her birthday too.

I intend to set up a household bills account that I control which pays the mortgage etc.  Hopefully I don't need to address it yet but its something I need to think about