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I dont know how to handle what happened last night.  When I came home from work last night, my gf (BPD) greeted me at the door all excited to give me a present she had bought. She was overwhelming, barely let me in the door before she was thrusting the bag in my hand and practically begging for my attention. I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off.  

Later, when we went to bed she playfully tried to initiate sex but I wasnt feeling it at  all so I told her to just go to bed. She started crying and accused me of not wanting her, not loving her... .she wouldnt let it go. She kept saying that this is why she rarely initiates sex because she cant handle me rejecting her and that she never ever turns me down, even when she doesnt really  feel like it because shed never reject me.Finally I got angry and told her that it turned me off how she greeted me at the door like one of the dogs and that she needs to stop living her life for me and catering to me all the time. I told her to get a backbone. I was harsh and she wound up crying herself to sleep.  I feel really bad that I hurt her but Ive  been feeling this way for a while.  I fell in love with a strong, spunky, independant smart ass of a woman but since shes moved in with me shes become dependent,  needy of my attention, emotional,  nervous... .she caters to me more than is normal,  is overly solicitous,  is always trying to please me even at her own expense... .I cant walk away from her without a "baby? Where are you going?" In a whiny little girl voice. It's sometimes hard to find her sexually appealing when she acts this way.

Have you had this problem before in relationships? 

It sounds like she likes you but you're just not that in to her.  Growing more dependent on your SO seems like a natural, healthy progression to me in a relationship,  but perhaps I'm misguided.

"I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off. "


So, you were in a romantic mood, sent her flirty texts, and she was excited to see you when you came home?

How did you think she was going to feel when she saw you after thinking about a romantic time with you all day from reading your texts? How could she not assume you'd be in the mood?

Ok, I understand that her greeting turned you off, and then you were not in the mood. At what point do you think she knew that, and did she even know why? Or was she thinking all evening that you were feeling how you felt when you sent her flirty texts all day?

So, you come to bed, and she's still thinking you are in that flirty text mood and she's in the mood too. Then you say no. Yes, I understand you are being honest, and you're not into it... .but what kind of mixed signals are you sending when you send flirty texts all day and then change your mind? Yes, you can change your mind, but did you let her know that before she was in a vulnerable situation?

You were honest with her now,  and now, be honest with yourself. Seems like her behavior turns you off, yet less than 24 hours ago, you were sending flirty texts.

You might be thinking that I'm getting all over you, but as I think about it, if a man sent me flirty texts all day, and I was really happy to see him, and then he had changed his mind, but I didn't know, then I'd be disappointed too. But what I'd want most of all is for him to be honest with me. If he's not into me, I do want to know, because it is not a happy situation to be with someone who isn't into me. I would rather someone break up with me than to be with me and not want to.

Im into her. I love her. I do want to be with her... .but I miss the fun, funny, tough woman she seemed to be before  she moved in. The neediness isnt sexy... .its almost sad. I wish she felt more confident.

Yeah I get your point and I dont blame her for being disappointed but her reaction seemed really over the top.  I realize I was a jerk to her, I worded things poorly and I didnt make myself clear beforehand. I did apologize to her this morning and tried to reassure her that I do love her but shes been very distant today. I cant blame her for that I guess.

A person with BPD isn't confident by nature. You miss the person she was before the relationship got deeper and she felt vulnerable. The beginning of a relationship with someone with BPD can feel wonderful but now she's revealed the needy part of herself. This happens to some extent in all relationships as people don't reveal their less attractive aspects at first but do so as the relationship progresses.

This is who she is. I guess you have to decide if you love the person in front of you, because if that person turns you off, it's not fair to her to profess your love for her to her. She's being distant for a reason . It hurt to have you say one thing ( flirty texts ) and then be turned off by her.

I do love her very much.  But I find it hard to be sexually attracted to this side of her. I find myself wanting to take care of her... .but I find it hard to want to have sex with her like this. She has good days, when she dresses up and we go out and shes all energetic and fun and sexy... .when shes in that mood, i cant keep my hands off her.

That kind of honesty would break my heart too... .

Buying you a present doesn't necessarily make her "needy" or dependent. Your texts inspired that. She was excited and wanted to do something special for what she thought was going to be a romantic night.

Giving and doing things is how some people show love. They love by gestures, rather than words. In a sense, you rejected her love by the way she shows it. Rejection feels horrible to anyone, with or without BPD.

I can see how her over-eagerness to shower you with affection when you first walked in was a turn-off... .Perhaps (once she is calm and in a better mood), you can find a nice way to let her know that you need some space when you first come home. Tell her you need a few minutes (or an hour?) to yourself to unwind so you can give her your full attention. Then follow through.

Could this be the two of you needing time to adjust to living together?

We have lived together almost a year. Ive noticed this type of behavior gradually becoming more pronounced  as time goes on.  Its like the longer she lives here, the more dependent she becomes.

I agree i need to be clear with her about my need for space when i first get home. My job is stressful and i work long hours.  I need time to transition. I dont want to feel like shes another job, another responsibility. I want to enjoy our time together. I dont want to feel like I have to come home and shower her with attention constantly to make sure she feels loved. She should be confident in herself and my love not to need constant attention and reassurAnce.

Does she have a life outside of this relationship? Does she work? Have friends or hobbies of her own?

If she doesn't, then you're all she has. She'll look to you to fill her every need which is impossible for you to do... .and no good for either of you.

She has 2 jobs but hasnt been getting many hrs lately.  She really only has 1 friend, our roommate.  No real hobbies. She moved several states to be with me and doesnt know many people here.

Then she gave up a lot of her own life to be with you. It would make sense that she seemed more independent when she had other friends. In would feel hurt if my partner was only attracted to one side of me. Over a long time together I have been the independent career woman, the pregnant emotional person, a mother. I have been slim and then looked like a whale with a 9 month pregnant belly, but that belly produced our children. I've loved my H when he was well, and when he was puking with the flu. If you can go from desiring your GF to being turned off by her in less than 24 hours, not having compassion for her giving up her life to be with you, then maybe this is telling you something.

It's good to be honest. Is the way you love her good for her?

I agree... I don't know her, I don't have BPD, but I'm starting to feel kind of bad for her... .I know you care about her, but you also said you view her as a job, as needy, as a dog jumping on you, as not appealing unless she dresses up and acts in a fun and sexy way. She tried to do that with a romantic gesture after a sexy day of flirty texting and got rejected.

Curious... .Was she less needy when she worked more or lived out of state and had her friends around her? Sounds like she may need more work or social activities. Could she handle that? Have you discussed this with her?

Be careful how you approach this with her - pwBPD fear rejection and abandonment. They tend to look for signs of it. You don't want her to feel like you're asking because you don't want to spend time with her. Maybe say it in a way like you would support the idea of her finding a job she likes, or having a girl's night out, or learning to paint, ride a horse, or whatever...

I don't have BPD either, but I would feel lonely and sad if I moved with my bf and he treated me like that - sending flirty texts and then referring to me as greeting him like a dog. I would not feel loved. Sadly , your GF probably fears abandonment and being alone and so is not likely to leave no matter how badly she feels. She might have BPD but I'm wondering why you say you love her and then can be turned off by her so quickly?

Painting her black?

I know this sounds harsh but I don't see where you are at all compassionate for her situation or how she may be feeling. She may have BPD but she's a human being too and being alone in a new place isn't as easy transition for anyone and she was happy to see you. You aren't happy with her,but that's all she wanted at the moment when she greeted you with a gift: to make you happy.

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

I understand that. My mom acts like a child sometimes and it's uncomfortable but it is who she is. Still even if your GF acted childish,she didn't deserve to be sent flirty messages and then be surprised by your behavior.

Your honesty is commendable - you should be honest and she is who she is- and that part of her that you see as childish needs love too. Before people get married is a time to learn about each other and it is good to be aware of your feelings- and also hers.

dan, I agree that your honesty is commendable. You're asking yourself some tough questions and exploring difficult emotional territory.


That's understandable.


Let's look at this specific interaction. Greeting you at the door in excitement, eager for your attention, isn't necessarily "childlike." It sounds like a woman who is excited to see her man, wants to please him, and wants his attention.

Now, that may not necessarily be what you want at that moment, but it's not inherently childlike.

Perhaps, in the future, it might help to reframe how you look at this particular type of behavior. ":)amn, my woman hasn't seen me all day and she wants to get all up on me before I even make it in the door!" That still doesn't mean you have to like the behavior -- maybe you want a little time to "decompress" after work first -- but it keeps you from seeing her as a child.

But this was about more than the specific incident-- it's about something that has been bothering you for a while, as you said:



She gave up a lot to move in with you. Does that fact in itself not suggest that she might be prone to trying to please you even at her own expense? If you look back on your relationship, is her "sudden" behavior change really out of the blue, or were there indications (however subtle) all along? If she has BPD, then chances are that some of these traits peeked through in ways.

But, BPD or not, a person (man or woman) can be strong, spunky, independent, and smartass on his/her "home turf" - but uncertain, more dependent, and emotionally needier when "displaced." Right now, you're her lifeline, her support system.

Plus, moving in together is a big step in a relationship. She undoubtedly has her own anxieties and worries, and she's reaching out for reassurance in her ways.

A pwBPD feels emotions very intensely, and has a lot of fear and anxiety around intimate relationships to begin with. She's most likely feeling quite vulnerable right now, which manifests in childlike attempts at attachment and reassurance.

How might she and/or you be able to soothe the anxieties of her childlike side?

Again, it's great that you're being honest and aware. Relationships are hard work, especially when BPD is involved. If you don't know yourself, it's difficult to navigate those complex waterways.

I realize Im coming off as harsh and cold.  Im not usually that way at all. My frustrations are getting the better of me unfortunately and i need to get a handle on that before I hurt her to the point where theres no coming back.  Things that would have been endearing at one point are just annoying me and it makes me feel very guilty to react this way.

I realize she didnt deserve the way I behaved. I overreacted. Im not sure why. 

Youve given me much to consider. Thank you for that. Im on my way out the door to work but I will respond later more in depth.

Hey Dan. I am a guy... .with a "needy" BPD girlfriend and I don't think I need to tell you as I feel you are realising after you have received very helpful advice from other men and women here. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with regard to the turn off's in respect to the overly needy or childlike behaviour.

Give her some emotional support and I'm sure you will see that sassy side that you profess to enjoy. Do it BEFORE she shows someone else.

I will show YOU harsh and cold. You my friend have behaved like an asshat!.

You weren't harsh and cold. The more info you provided, I found you were inconsiderate. Insensitive. Unloving. Disapproving. Dismissive. Disrespectful. And misleading. But worst of all hurtful and unsupportive.

When your woman is crying (at your own hand) and you are her intimate partner who she has pair bonded with?... .that depends on YOU for her emotional support?.

Well, leave her hurting at your own peril. PwBPD often do things to cause their own demise in relationships. Your BPDgf has not done such a thing. Are you sure you are a non?.

I don't care if your girlfriend has BPD and some of her personality characteristics arent "ideal" to you, but man, you just can't treat a woman that so obviously adores you like THAT.  

She did nothing wrong but show her love for you in a way you just couldn't appreciate. That is her crime.

Now do something about it. A hint. Surprise flowers and a heartfelt apology might be a good start.

While she would like flowers and an apology, they would be a cruel thing to do if the OP isn't able to maintain some attraction to her or at least be caring to her during the times he is not ( not everyone is in the mood all the time in a r/s) . This happened once, and it will happen again.

Sure, I get that the childlike behavior is not attractive to him. However, this is who she is. They are not married at the moment, but if she is that in love with him, she will hope this will be the outcome. If he signs on for a lifetime with her, then it is possible that he is signing on for a lifetime of being both attracted to her at times, and then being cold. What he did to her will happen over and over again.

While his honesty hurt her at the moment, I encourage him to remain honest and not keep hurting her.

I did react to this personally to some extent. My H painted me black after we were married. He had no physical attraction to me. There were so many nights I cried, in bed, rejected like your gf, so many things I tried to make him happier with me, all of them failing. I was probably the clingy, needy, unatractive wife trying so hard to bring back what I thought my H felt for me.

In trying to figure out what happened, he may not have wanted me but he didn't want to let go of me, nor could he stand the idea of me finding someone else,  and he wasn't honest about his feelings. Not sure he was even aware of them.

I sure wish someone like Johnlove had told my H he was being an asshat, because my H was quite sure he was a great guy and I was to blame for his lack of feeling attracted, and he certainly showed his disappointment in me. He didn't seem to care when I was in tears and turned a cold shoulder to me on the nights I cried myself to sleep. However, I didn't find another man. Through therapy, I learned to be stronger and got better boudaries so I don't accept being treated like that.

I don't have BPD, but I was raised by a mom with BPD, and so, I didn't know the difference between love and this self centered cr*p that looked like love to me. I would bet your gf, if she has BPD doesn't know it either, but you do. Either choose to love her, or not, but don't do this to her.

I suppose i deserved that.  I can admit when im wrong and I know I reacted poorly and hurt her.  We talked last night and I apologized to her. She accepted my apology gracefully but said that what was said couldnt be unsaid so it would take a while for her to move past it. I tried to reassure her that I do love her and want her... .which turned into making love and the falling asleep holding her.

I dont want to be an asshat to her. I truly dont.  I want to be understanding and loving towards her. I want to learn not to get annoyed with her when shes having a hard time. 

thank you for your candid reply. That is exactly what I dont want to happen. I love her and I dont want to continue to hurt her the way I did. I dont want to be dishonest to her either... .and there lies my dilemma.

Dan, it might help to read some books on love and relationships in general, with a focus on you, not your partner. I can't think of one off hand, but there are many.

The main idea is that love is not only a feeling we get, it's also a choice. None of us are attracted to our partners physically all the time, but we are attracted to who they are, not just how we feel when we are with them. However, feelings are important guides for us. If you get to the point where you are just not feeling it, most of the time, then this is important to know before comitting to marriage and children.

Having a partner with BPD is a challenge, but for many of us, one reason we are attracted to someone with a PD is because of some issue we have as well. Considering that issue is a way to not only be healthier emotionally, but to have healthy relationships.

Your gf is bringing up some feelings and issues for you- good- we all have them. They are a guide to becoming a better person, no matter who we choose as a partner.

I'm glad you took the feedback in a positive sense. It wasn't something easy to read, I am sure, but I want to commend you on being able to receive it and consider some of the ideas presented. So I commend you for that.

What are love and intimacy to you? What are you looking for?

Why did her actions turn you off? You have basically said that they did turn you off, but you haven't  said why?

Also, if she has moments, days, etc. where she wants to be "childlike", to buy you gifts, etc. can you find a way to love those things too?

Love & Will by Rollo May

Thank you. I will do some looking for books that might give me some insight.

I have a tendency to fall for women who need "saving" and then find myself irritated and frustrated when they arent magically fixed when I help them. I have a long line of (not sure how to say this without sounding awful) "broken" women in my past... .my current gf is probably the one who has needed the least amount of rescuing and shes an ex drug addict with BPD who used to work in the adult industry, has 3 kids by 3 different men and has suffered an insane amount of abuse. I realize theres something in myself that makes me fall for women like this. Im just not sure what it is.

That said, my current gf... .I didnt fall for her based on a need to save her per se... .the first time we were together, yes, but not this time. When we resumed contact after 7 yrs, she had changed so much... .had "saved herself" so to speak and I admire that in her so much.

Love and intimacy to me means partnership... .it means not making another person your life but choosing to share your life with that person.

Her actions turned me off because they made her seem... .less than me somehow... .not like my equal partner but a subordinate somehow... .like one of the kids... .i cant explain it clearly, even to myself.

Who we attract and are attracted to is part of our psyche. For me, co dependency 12 step groups and ACOA ( adult children of alcoholics- and dysfunctional famlies) were the key to understanding myself and my relationships. Consider the "victim triangle"- because both roles of rescuer and victim are on it.

For myself, I know that being in a dysfunctional relationship is in part, my own dysfunction, and regardless of who is or isn't as dysfunctional, my part is the only part I can change. For some, changing partners is the choice, for others, it is changing ourselves, and regardless, changing ourselves means we are better.

Someone can not trigger feelings in us, unless at some level we relate to that trigger. For instance, my H could look at me and call me a pink rabbit, and it wouldn't trigger any reaction in me because, well, I have no connection to being a pink rabbit nor do I fear that I might be one. My H might want to dress up like a rabbit and eat carrots- I might think this is pretty strange but it wouldn't trigger a strong emotional response.

However, if he says or does something that really upsets me, turns me off, makes me angry, it could be because he is being abusive, but it could also teach me something about myself. This might remind me of my parents, or make me feel abandoned or rejected, or just not be appealing, but my reaction is very likely to be more about me, than about him.

Your GF didn't do anything mean or hurtful to you, but it triggered a strong revulsion in you. Something to think about.

dan, I just want to echo what Notwendy said - it's very commendable that you've been able to take some challenging feedback in a positive sense and use it to examine your feelings and yourself more.

It sounds like a lot has been building with you - not only with your gf, but overall - and this particular situation has just served as a catalyst to bring those feelings and frustrations to the surface. This is a great opportunity to really examine yourself, and your feelings about this relationship (and love in general).


^ This.



^ And this. :)


This is a very important realization.  |iiii

Focus on and explore this more. There's a lot going on here; start unpacking it.

You see yourself as a rescuer/fixer in relationships. Where do you think that might come from? Why might you have subconsciously associated "saving" with love? What purpose does this dynamic serve for you? (Other than the inevitable frustration it brings.)


Yes, there is something in you that makes you fall for "broken women"... .and it's ok that you're not sure what it is right now. You're on the path to self-discovery, but it's not an overnight journey. (I play a lot of video games, esp. RPGs, and I've often found myself wishing there was a mental "fast travel" option in real life.) You're asking the right questions, and obviously are open to probing and challenging yourself.


That is admirable. I read your intro post, and it sounds like she's done a lot of work on herself.

Am I correct in the timeframe, that you were together for 6 months, then apart for 7 years, reconnected, and moved in together a month later? And you've been living together now for over a year?

BPD symptoms often get more pronounced the longer the relationship lasts. Closeness and intimacy trigger those core abandonment fears. Even if she's worked on herself and come far, she will still feel and have to deal with those triggered feelings.


I highly recommend you read some of member 2010's posts (link (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts)). They explain these types of dynamics and relationships so well. A few excerpts--

Borderlines often attract people who have 'ideas of reference' about who they are. Borderlines then turn these people into pseudo-parents, further reinforcing their unstable sense of self. The easiest and most life-affirming connection they make is with people who place them in 'one-down' positions. Those are the rescuers, saviors, and white knights, as well as voice hogs and self-centered.

---

"I choose partners that I perceive to be in a one-down position so that I can feel better about myself. [It] means that I think they need me to function in life, which gives me a short-lived sense of self-esteem."

---

Fixer mentality distracts you from your own problems.

---

Helping = fixing = controlling = intrusion = no boundaries = vulnerability. End result is both people fear abandonment because this isn't love, it's need. Follow the need and you will discover yourself.

Guessing you are on this site because she is PD... .Neediness... .one of their many traits.

Hmm... .relationships to me are so much more than a "partnership". You make it kinda sound like a business arrangement. Intimate relationships to me are about discovery, personal growth, and emotional support. We should probably not forget about Love either.

If the relationship is not "satisfying" in these areas then you should probably express your needs or wants to your partner and if they are not responsive it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. The relationship should be a mutually beneficial arrangement. There should be something in it for both of you and should be mutually satisfying. Of course it won't always be satisfying. Sometimes it may be trying, especially with a pwBPD.

dan78, you have expressed yourself fairly clearly to me with regard to the "less than me" and the "like one of the kids". I understand what you mean. Relationships with a pwBPD can feel different because of their high level emotional needs resulting from their arrested emotional development. She is indeed "less than you" in some areas, but dont think she may be more developed than you in others. pwBPD can show great intellect and sensitivity. Never underestimate her ability to teach you things about relationships or about yourself.

This arrested emotional development got my BPDgf into situations that caused her great suffering (5 kids to 3 fathers). Not her "fault". No blame. Just is. She has told me I have turned her life around with regard to Love. That she can now see her previous partners were less (read: not) interested in her and more (read: only) interested in sex. This led her down a path of so much abuse. She has explained to me that she mistakenly believed lust and sexual desire from men was Love (and that is sad). But she explains it to me like a revelation (and that is good). Sorting through the BPD statements and the truth can also be a challenge. But my BPDgf can show enormous respect for our relationship. Like her life depended on it. I find that level of commitment very alluring.

Relationships with a person suffering from BPD can require more emotional nurturing from the non partner. Your lack of nurturing of her feelings is abusive. You have explained that you don't want that for her or for you. I commend you for trying to make things better for both of you.

Be true to her. But also be true to yourself. That's the best advice I can give you.

Thank you for all of that. Youve given me much to consider.  I do need to look inside myself and figure out why I make the choices I do and what it is that creates these feelings I have.

You are correct about the timeline. We actually have a 6 yr old daughter together I am finally getting the chance to know.  She has changed so much between 7 yrs ago and now.  The drama and chaos of our first try at a relationship is a thing of the past.  She handles difficulties and challenges gracefully instead of losing it completely and she no longer treats her exh like a backup plan.  I am truly proud of her.

I realize theres more to love and intimacy than that... .im not good at putting the emotional side into words. Shes much better at that than I am.   I definitely realize theres a lot she could teach me in that area.  Shes very in touch with her feelings and she expresses them openly and well.

Shes definitely had a rough past. Shes made poor choices but shes also survived some horrible things. The fact that she is still standing in a miracle in itself. It isnt surprising that her emotional development would be arrested in some ways.

I do want to be loving and nurturing towards her... .I dont want to get annoyed at shut down when she has her needier moments. I realize that isnt fair to her and will end up sabotaging our relationship.

Yes. She is BPD... .but the more I read, the more I realize she would definitely be considered high functioning now.

It sounds like your GF has done a lot of hard work. I'm glad you can be more sensitive to her.

That love and caring that Johnlove speaks of, wow, I could have used a fraction of that. My H is trying harder, but I doubt he will  that close of a look at himself.

What made him decide he'd gone too far is that I got so depressed, there was not much left of me to give him. I didn't leave physically, but it was pretty obvious that the person I was was not there. But healing from a love that was stomped on isn't easy.

Beter to not stomp on it if you can.

When she acts "childlike", try to soothe and comfort the frightened insecure little girl in her. The woman you love will come back. But keep in mind the little girl in her is still part of her and probably always will be. You'll have to be willing to reassure this side of her as often as it takes to keep bringing the woman back.

I dont want to stomp on her love and hurt her that way and I do want to be more sensitive to her.  Its not easy sometimes.  She cried for 3 hrs tonight because our roommate looks younger than she does... .our roommate is 26. My gf is 36. Of course our roommate looks younger. But my gf is much more beautiful and I told her so repeatedly. It didnt seem to matter much :/

That's a good start. I think all of us would love it when our bf/spouses tell us we are beautiful. Crying for 3 hours- that's tough, it would stretch most people's patience. Good for you for hanging in there.

Think of these ideas. People with BPD feel their feelings intensely, and feelings are facts to them. Our society is very looks oriented, and looking older for women, isn't easy. Yes, it happens, but in our youth oriented culture, it isn't easy. For those of us who can manage emotions, we deal with it, it's part of life and the best we can do is try to stay as fit and healthy as we can, but we will look older regardless and we may not like it, but we accept that this is the way it is.

Read the lessons on validating. When our partners are upset about something that we know isn't true, then our first impulse is to tell them it isn't true, but that feels invalidating to them. We can validate the feeling but not the fact. In fact, it isn't a good idea for a man to tell a woman she is looking older or fat or anything like that even if it was true! or you would never hear the end of it. 

So, when she cries that she looks older... .say awww honey, I know you are feeling bad. I can see that you are feeling bad... .then she might calm down a bit, or cry it out, and then you can say " I think you are beautiful just the way you are.

This way, you express your truth without invalidating her... this is in the lessons. It takes practice but it usually helps.

Frankly, I'm wondering if you're one of those intimacy-phobic guys who is only attracted to women who don't care about them.  What you're calling needy is how a woman naturally acts when she's in love.  And becoming anxiety-prone, overly solicitous, etc. is how a woman in love will naturally act, if the guy tends to act like a douche, she blames herself for it (either because she's insecure or has been treated badly for so long that she's become insecure... .) and she's desperately trying anything she can think of to make it right and fix the relationship.

I'm wondering who has the PD here?

I think this raises an interesting topic.

dan has said that his gf has been diagnosed with BPD.

Could there possibly be a correlation between a fear of true intimacy and becoming involved with someone who has BPD or a similar disorder - a disorder that impairs the ability to develop and sustain healthy adult intimacy?

Is putting oneself into a caretaker/rescuer/savior role in a relationship a way to avoid the equal footing of intimacy?

I'm not saying this in all cases, by any means. But when both partners are "pushing" at intimacy, as it sounds like is the case here, it raises such questions.

She is very focused on her looks... .its where she has always found what little self worth she has ever had. She grew up popular with boys because she was always very pretty. She was a model as a child but because she is so short, it wasnt something she could do as an adult. She ended up working in the adult industry.  She doesnt believe anyone will ever like her or want her if she isnt young and beautiful.  The saddest part is she could still easily pass for a woman in her late 20s at 36... .but she isnt satisfied because she no longer gets carded regularly. It doesnt help matters that our roommate - her best friend- is 26 and looks about 16.

Yes, its rough to find a way to validate her feelings. Im not about to agree that she looks old.  She doesnt. Shes beautiful.   

Ive never before had any type of intimacy issues.  Ive also never noticed a correlation between women in love and extreme neediness.

What do you call flirty texting all day, then shutting her down for being excited to see you?   Aside from either personal issues of your own (not hers, YOURS) that you haven't resolved, or some kind of head game on your part?

Btw, to be somewhat submissive is natural for most women when they're horny (yes, even feisty and spunky ones), and I don't just mean human women, I mean female mammals, period.

 


There's a difference between being needy and having needs.  The two are not equivalent.

I call it a one time incident when my mood changed due to her behavior being a turn off. I am not turned on by overt submission. I am turned on by confidence and strength in a woman. That sort of submission comes off as weakness to me and it isnt something I find sexually appealing.

dan78, I have praised you for wanting to do better in your relationship. This was now just a one off?. I have a hard time believing that. In my experience pwBPD can't change their core behaviours that easily. But if you say so.

Maybe you like to play a "game" where you win the "prize". A lot of guys are like this. The man does the chasing. The female enjoys the chase. That has more emphasis in dating and short term relationships. In long term relationships it can get a little easier, as it should be. You should be meeting each others emotional needs without too much work. Maybe you like the hunt and your BPDgf is giving of herself more freely?. Maybe you see her as being easy in your interpretation of her BPD type behaviour, and this is the turn off. I don't know how you truly feel about her having worked in the adult industry. I don't judge others and pwBPD certainly don't need it, but I would have some difficulty being in an intimate relationship with someone who has worked in this field.

Hopefully things have progressed in your relationship and this is all water under the bridge now?. I hope this experience has led to a deeper understanding for both of you.  |iiii

Hi, dan78


What would have turned you on?  


What does her getting a backbone look like to you?  After exchanging flirty texts all day, what were you expecting from her when you arrived home?


Is this the woman you were expecting to greet you at the door after exchanging flirty texts all day?  In a "romantic sense", how would that have played out in your perfect, ideal world?

Oh, the perfect world... .how I miss her so. 

Ive been irritated by her neediness before at times but this was the first time I acted on it in any real way so not exactly a one off but sort of.

I will admit, i do enjoy the chase... .being the pursuer. It is sexy to me to pursue a challenging woman,  To feel I have to earn her attention. It makes a woman very intriguing to me when she values herself highly enough not to give it to just anyone. But, despite that and as contradictory as it sounds, her prior career doesnt bother me at all. I am actually kind of turned on by it. It is such a bold, naughty choice.  Ive actually had her tell me stories about her work while we were being intimate before. Unfortunately, it bothers her to talk about so I had to stop.

Yes, this incident is mostly water under the bridge. We are actually dealing with other issues right now unrelated to her BPD... .But we are working through it in a healthy way I believe. We went out last night without the kids and enjoyed ourselves a lot and we have been intimate frequently without issue.

It would have turned me on to come home and find her occupied and not had her just drop everything and run to me... .to have walked in, got my boots off and went to her wherever she was to say hello.

That would be her acting as if she had a backbone, as if I werent the only focus in her life.

It seems as if she wishes to please you, so she could act this out as a fantasy if you let her know that this is what you like. I'd bet she'd rather act busy when you get home than run to greet you knowing that this turns you off.

Thats actually the last time she did that. At first because she was upset with me, Im sure. But now I think it because she sees that once I get inside and get my boots off I do come to her for a kiss and if she waits just those couple of minutes it does wonders for my mood and Im more attentive to her.

Good- then maybe I can reframe this in a way that focuses on you, your feelings and your needs instead of blaming her for the way you feel when she greets you at the door.

My H needs a transition between work and home, a few minutes to unwind, eat something maybe, or just chill before he is feeling up to engaging with someone else. I too need this transition. After an evening of fixing dinner, homework, getting kids in bed, cleaning up... I need to unwind before I can pay attention to my H.

What will make me crazy is that, he's been unwinding all evening, so the minute the kids are asleep, he would pounce on me, wanting my attention. By that time, I'm frazeled. However, if I get some time to unwind first, I am more in tune with my own feelings.

Blaming others for the way we feel is a perilous road. Nobody is turned on by their partner (at least nobody I know) 100% of the time. We all have times where we are preoccupied, or tired. The best way to be caring to someone else is to take care of our own needs and be responsible for our own feelings.

Maybe you can apologize to your gf for telling her she turned you off, and consider it was your own needs that did that-and you can take steps to meet your needs without blaming her.

I almost hate to bring it up again... .though I do get what you are saying and it makes sense.  If I had it to do over again I would never react as coldly to her as I did. I know I hurt her and its taken a while to get over... .and then I wound up hurting her again very deeply in an effort to avoid conflict.   I honestly thought she was going to leave me sat morning... .and it would have been all my fault.

Well, you know your r/s best.

However, if there is a chance for this to come up again, then don't underestimate the healing power of a sincere apology. It helps the one apologizing too.

For some reason, pw PD's have trouble apologizing. Sadly, they miss out on this ability to repair a r/s with anyone. They tend to do this "magic erase " thing, where they think if they are good, it erases the bad.

Mostly, this just confused me- to have people say they love me and then act abusive. It would have made a world of difference to me if my mom, and my H, could have apologized sincerely.

So, keep this in mind ... .

Sounds to me like this was an isolated incident. All you can do is learn from it. Sending her the texts all day set you both up for an over-eager door greeting. Try not to wind her up again unless you're prepared to come home to a wound up gf. Hopefully, this is all water under the bridge now, with a valuable lesson learned. 

*mod*


This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .