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8 year r/s. A week shy of 6 months post b/u and 4 month n/c.  An affair ended the r/s.

Before she moved out we talked about the possibility of resuming the r/s sometime in the future – about leaving that door open. (The affair was already over – I found out about it afterwards).  Immediately after moving out she wanted to remain in full contact; I told her I needed some time to decompress. We continued LC to wrap up loose ends. 

About a month and a half later I told her I was feeling more stable and ready for more contact.  We had dinner together and went to a family birthday.  After that weekend I realized I was uncomfortable with our “undefined” r/s, so I initiated a texting conversation about it.  She exited the conversation at midpoint and we haven’t spoken since.  I sent her one last message to tie up a (financial) loose end and said goodbye.  I unfriended her on FB and have not attempted to contact her since, nor has she contacted me.  She now appears to have a replacement.

My SD is in college and we have remained in contact.  From time to time I post something on her FB page that is funny or reminds me of her.  I did this a few days ago, and of course she “liked” it and left a comment.  Much to my surprise, so did my ex.  The comment was directed at her daughter, not at me. They are the only two people who commented on my post.

Since I wouldn't even consider commenting on any of my ex’s posts, I could easily spend the next month wondering what this means.  Did she post because she is indifferent and just felt like posting?  Doubtful – we were together for 8 years and the breakup was pretty rough.  Did she post because she felt like being ballsy?  Okay, you can go on with your bad self, but I’m going to continue posting to my SD’s page anyway.  Did she post because she’s testing the waters?  Okay, but I’m still not going to respond.

I realized today that two equal but opposing truths are staring me in the face:

I still love her. 

Emotionally, she is an absolute ___ing mess. 

If I invite her back into my life in any way, shape or form, there are freight trains of emotional pain trailing behind her….and they have my name written all over them.  I may love her, but I love myself more – and I love myself enough to prevent that level of pain from re-entering my life.

This is a very sad thing to realize about someone I love.  But I should have realized it sooner.

Sometimes the hardest thing is realizing someone you love isn't good for you. thats what I am doing. I loved her a lot but I can't live me life the way she did. All that anger, screaming, crying, hate one minute. Insane love, kindness, fun, an joy the next minute. Is not anyway to live and makes me emotionally sick. NC is the only way to go. Even when I am healed and in a couple of years she wants to catch up I will still remain NC.

It is a hard bitter pill to swallow but in the end keeping them out of your life keeps you happier and sane.

I think you were commenting on my post as I was commenting on yours - that's funny!

We appear to be at the same point in our healing.

Thank you both so much for providing such empathy and perspective

Are you sure about not blocking her on social media leads you to a healthier place?

I unfriended her... .I guess to completely block her I'd have to unfriend my stepdaughter?  But as you can imagine, I'm not willing to do that.

Seeing her comment didn't make me go into a tailspin.  Actually, realizing that I wasn't tempted to respond to her made me feel stronger.   

Blocking restricts her from seeing your messages on mutual friends’ walls.

I'm glad it works for you. Whatever empowering you is the way to go.

You mean that if I block her and post something on my SD's FB page, and then she goes and VISITS her daughter's page, she won't see my post at all?

According to facebook help:

If I share mutual friends with the user I am blocking, will they be able to see my comments to this mutual friend?

Blocking allows you to prevent most interactions with someone on Facebook. People you block won't be able to find you in searches, view your profile, or contact you with pokes, Wall posts, or personal messages. In addition, they will not be able to see your Wall posts, comments on mutual friends’ Walls, or that you are a member of the same group as them.

I had no idea! I'll have to think about this... .

I blocked my ex wife and she cant see my posts from her account and I dont see anything with her name on it. She still keeps tabs though using my sons fb account. If she posts something on my sons page I dont see it and visa versa.

Thank you for this!

She won't be able to see anything you post if you block her. Including anything you post on the SDs wall. And you will not be able  to see anything she posts.

Thanks for all the advice - I blocked her this morning.

There is something bittersweet about setting the final boundary that can not be crossed by either parties.

Encouraged by your decision, I finally changed my profile to private, restricting her from the usual stalking.

Bittersweet, indeed.

I found myself ruminating last night around midnight... .when I had to be up at 5 am.  I got out of bed, went downstairs and blocked her.

I went back upstairs feeling much calmer - and was asleep in 15 minutes.

These things like blocking our exes on social media and deleting phone numbers aren't so much lines in the sand but strings we cut to free ourselves from the extra pain of hanging onto something that's really best for us to let go of. It's like closing off the doors and passageways in the maze that have already proven to be dead ends, so we can continue moving forward instead of back. Increasing our chances of getting through this.

I like that songbook... .not drawing lines but cutting the connecting threads.

And yes, truly a dead-end maze. What a visual.

I agree with this. I blocked my ex in December after her 4th or 5th attempt to re-establish contact on FB. I did it to spare myself the pain of those attempts. As for watching and keeping tabs I don't think there is a block in the universe to prevent them from doing that if that's what they want to do. I'm less concerned with that though. If they want to hover over the past like a hungry ghost then that's their problem.

It hurts but when it is time to let go-it is time to let go. Holding on to someone that is not really there for you only continues the pain. Yesterday was closure for me. I still have a timeshare to deal with with him. But, I realized I am the one continuing the cycle.

Hard stuff. 8 years down.

"8 years down"?

Yep, feels like 8 years down the drain. Wasted. He could never give me the life I wanted and deserved. I wanted peace, unattainable, I wanted commitment, unattainable, I wanted consistency, unattainable, I wanted to continue loving him until the end, unattainable.

That's what I mean. I could have been with someone else that offered me this but I chose him and although we had good times at the end of the day I am 8 years older. I am tired and now I have to start over and it makes me furious I spend time with him trying to make it work when it never would.

I can relate... .my r/s was 8 years long as well. But it could be much, much worse... .I could still be in the middle of the mess.