BPDFamily.com

I am new to the forum so please bear with me.

My BF and I are 57 yo and have lived together for 18 months. I am a classic caretaker and he has BPD traits and was diagnosed with major depression about 15 years ago. He is medicated for the depression but refuses therapy. Needless to say we were drawn together like magnets but that is an issue for another post. I am working on me right now is all I have to say about this.

Sex. He insists that women have played games with his "sex" for years and that no one will take his "sex" away from him.  

He is a power-lifter who has a fantastic body for his age. He likes to show off his body to the point of having quite the reputation in our rural community for wearing just a thong or loin-cloth in public.  

When we moved in together I found a HUGE and I do mean HUGE box of porn. He insisted that with me in the relationship he didn't need it any more. Recently he has started buying and watching porn again in front of me!  

His initiation of sex is "are  you horny?"  When I told him I wasn't just really thrilled with this question he changed the question to "are you amorous?"

Strutting around the house without clothes and laying on the bed in seductive poses is his way of "enticing" me. Believe me after a while one gets desensitized to seeing a gorgeous man in seductive poses.

Last night I was exhausted. I had been away all day and figured that he would take the opportunity to watch porn, which I discovered he did. BTW he is now experiencing problems getting and holding an erection that he blames on me because I refuse to have sex with him so he puts it out of his mind. I don't understand this because in the very recent past sex has been had on several days in a row! I wonder if he is a sex addict?

When he initiated sex last night it was quite late and as I said I was exhausted. When I told him I was really tired he went into a rage. In his rage he told me he would just go find someone who appreciated his sex and would have it with them.    And then he went to his truck and brought in a bottle of vodka which he drank along with his meds.

Last night he wanted to "talk" about what my problem was but I told him that "discussion" when we are tired was not a good idea and refused to engage in the "discussion" with him which probably was just one more contributing factor to his rage.  

In my way of thinking sex is not intimacy. Intimacy can lead to sex but the physical act to boost someone's ego is not intimacy. In the beginning our relationship we had intimacy or so I thought. He and I would talk for hours about feelings but apparently it was his way of manipulating me and presenting a false persona because this is not the person he is today.

I have been trying to decide rather I should stay or leave for several months and I have just about decided that I can not parent him and compromise myself any longer. It seems he has absolutely no respect for women or himself so why would he be respectful and considerate of me or our relationship!

How to keep the peace while looking for a place? Give in? Appease him? Or just let it go?

How many of you have issues like this with BPD partners?

Lavendergrits - if you are planning to leave, read the info on an escape plan- here and I believe there are other sources. Some communities have shelters for women in abusive relationships. There is a pattern here to be aware of.

With people who fear abandonment, the partner leaving is a crisis situation, and if there is any tendency to be abusive, it will escalate at this moment. For women in abusive relationships, this is the time at which they are at highest risk for serious harm, even being murdered.

In our community, there is a shelter where women can go, and the location is unknown. There is a women's center that helps them make an escape plan.

I don't know if this is what you may need exactly, but if you are planning to leave, you are safer if he doesn't know, have your plans in place, and then leave when he is not around.

For married people with children, this is more complicated- however, the two of you are not in this situation and do not have major assetts in common. If you have to lose something, like some furniture, it is better to just cut your losses then to deal with him at the time he feels abandoned. If you have money tied up together, take your part. Close any joint accounts. The lease may be an issue, and you are liable for what you signed.

Also, since this is the "staying" board, the moderators may move your post to the "leaving" board. There may be more helpful advice there. Those of us here are staying and so do not have experience with this. From what I gather, we are not supposed to advise stayers to leave, but since you asked, what I wrote is general advice for this kind of situation.