BPDFamily.com

Its now been nine months since I left my wife. Only the last month or so have I been NC but that has really helped and I now finally feel like I've turned a real corner in my painful break up. I am once more feeling more optimistic about life and I think of plenty other things besides my ex. The hatred I felt for her has receded but what I notice now is that finally... .I've fall out of love. It took a long time to get to this point, but I'm nervous to call it "over" (my pain! and recovery) as I will have to speak with my ex at some point at least to finalise a divorce and that will be a testing moment.

I am pleased that I manage to stick to NC and will stay that way but I was wondering if any of the more experienced members knew what are the next stages in recovering from a BPD relationship once you have accepted that you had your own issues (codependency) and are no longer yearning or feelings like you're "in love" with your ex. I am not close to wanting to be with anyone else so I assume there is some growing to do now between being out of love with her and being ready again for a healthy relationship.

Any advice? What can I expect now I've finally reached this point of strength?

Lastly I'd just like to thank everyone here who has given me support and advice, this place is a life saver when you are isolated and feel no one (let alone yourself) understand what has happened.

Hi Trog-

Congratulations are your continued detachment!  The key for me was to shift my focus, as fast as it would go, from my ex to me and from the past to the future.  Also, it was helpful to realize the relationship needed to be grieved, and to recognize the stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and where I was in those, as well as where I was in detaching from her and the relationship.  At some point, after all the processing, we discover we're looking forward and not back, there's no emotional energy tied to our ex or the relationship, and we've got our feet happily on the ground.  It's a great place to be, a little older and wiser, ready to head out into a new life of our own making.

You say it's been a month since contact; where do you think you are in grieving and detaching?

I left on 1st May (mayday mayday!) and then have had LC since until beginning of December and since then had no contact. Even whilst in LC I think I was in denial, bargaining and anger all the same in one day sometimes. This is the second time I've felt "acceptance" but the first time without anger attached. So probably previously I was not accepting. Now I accept and can see, even if painful, I will be a stronger person and don't feel like the whole thing was a waste of time.

I believe I am in the early stages of acceptance, any depression I still feel is not connected to missing her but sometimes I do feel lonely and wish for some companionship but I do not miss her or yearn for her, and I do not feel hurt by her anymore there was a lot of "how could she do this" thinking for a long time.

I believe we are both entering the same phase, Trog.  So I am also at the point of wondering what to expect moving forward.  Thus far, what I have noticed in this phase is a return of old personality traits that I have not noticed in myself in a long time.  This is not to say I am returning to who I was exactly (don't want to be moving backwards), but am finding that core components of my personality that seemed lost during my r/s are resurfacing.  Combined with the confidence I somehow continued to build over the years (in spite of my BPD r/s) and the results of ongoing self-reflection in the aftermath of the r/s, it seems this phase (for me at least) is becoming one of self-recognition.  Who I am and/or what I want to be is becoming clearer to me.

And while I'm not to the point of actively seeking relationships, it seems my people skills are returning as I move into this phase.  My social interactions outside of work are still limited (always have been), but I've found I seem to be connecting with people again given the opportunity.  I've begun to make some new friends, and honestly seem to have a few options were I ready to try dating again.  I'll stick to platonic group based settings for now though (and probably will continue to for a while even after my divorce is finalized).

Overall, it seems to me that this phase is about rediscovering and perhaps redefining who I am.  Good luck to you.  I hope your healing process continues to move in this direction.

An old favorite from 2010:

What to expect = eventual detachment and healing

• Is he/she thinking about me? You won't care



• Will he/she contact me again? You won't care



• Will they/what if they get engaged or married to their new partner? It will happen, you will be sad, but you cannot control the progression of the disorder.



• What if/will this new relationship "heal" them? Will they be more compatible? Will my ex behave differently? NO. This is a disorder. No one is above the thought process.



• Did he/she love me? No. Both parties did not share a healthy, mature, separate love. Overcoming this "idea of reference" will be a large part of the recovery process for the healthier party. 



• Maybe I’m the crazy one and it isn't my ex. No. Both people shared in the madness due to unresolved issues from childhood.



• What if I’d only done this or that? Bargaining behaviors are a phase that needs resolution before beginning to reach acceptance. Bargaining doesn't last long as it is generally merged with anger.



• Should I tell my ex about BPD/try to help? No. This is shared madness due to the fusional quality of the attachment. It is not honorable to try to strengthen the attachment when it is based upon a disorder to begin with.



• Should I warn my replacement? No. That person is none of your business.

   

I agree with the others here. A self discovery period is the next step. You mentioned codependency, something we share. Codependency affects all of our relationships, not just romantic. One of my first steps was to explore the depth of my codependency and to work towards building healthier relationships, starting with my friendships. Looking into what healthy relationships look like. And digging into my past and what caused that codependency in the first place.

    1. Is he/she thinking about me? I never wonder this.

    2.Will he/she contact me again? For sure. Don't know when, don't know why, don't care how. All I care about it obtaining my divorce with as little anger and hurt as possible on both sides. I wont be engaging.

    3.Will they/what if they get engaged or married to their new partner? Good, that means she divorced me.

    4.What if/will this new relationship "heal" them? Will they be more compatible? Will my ex behave differently? Nothing to do with me.

    5.Did he/she love me? She doesn't understand what love is. She believes I should accept her abuse and all and pay for her to live. Not love. Entitlement.

    6.Maybe I’m the crazy one and it isn't my ex. She is certified. I hold down a C-Level job.

    7.What if I’d only done this or that? Never think about what I may have done differently, apart from not turning up on the first date!

    8.Should I tell my ex about BPD/try to help? If 5 times visits the psychiatrict ward doesn't give her a clue, the insistance of someone she clearly despises wont.

    Should I warn my replacement? Whomever takes that nutter on needs to learn the lessons I have learnt.

Wow. I should get this tattoo'd on my arm... .