BPDFamily.com

Mine told me this:

"There are some girls that are crazy and some girls that are ___ing crazy. And girls with BPD are ___ing crazy" (actually said this)

"You are dodging a bullet. You need to run as far away from this girl as possible."

When I asked if she loved me my T said "she loved you the best she could, because she doesn't love herself"

"These people never get better."

"People with BPD are like a well with a hole in the bottom, they can't be satisfied or filled up"

"Sometimes that empathy switch gets turned off so many times it stays off"

Scary stuff looking back on it.

"You're being abused in this relationship."

"You're the one being abandoned, not her."

There were also times my T was left speechless by what I described.

"Your life is in danger"

She is with him.

She is just throwing you bones.

It's your choice if you want go go play fetch to entertain her.

Woof. Woof!

A T left speechless…wow that is pretty heavy stuff

"She is crazy"

"Nothing would have been enough for her"

"She did you a favor"

"You dodged a bullet"

I was honestly not expecting to hear this from a psychologist but when I did it definitely made me feel better.

This is so real. I noticed I'm a bit paranoid of my ex in a scary way. I mean after what she did to me and my daughter at Christmas turning off anything and everything raging and smearing. Put me in some crazy drama w her ex wanting to hit me and having the cops come over w a gang of people 2 days after Christmas at 1030 at night. To check if she got all her stuff. ( she was furious I changed the locks) with the cops she had only a toothbrush and a bottle of ponds cold cream ... .Drama big time!

Had the nerve today to have her daughter want to hang out w mine?

Will be discussing w my T.

It's sad because I love her daughter she was my step daughter for 4 years. But because she decided to leave and make a huge damaging drama I just need to run for the hills like ur T says . Some BPD is f crazy. She's one of that type.

Can I get an amen, my brothers?

I have a relative in a therapy grad school, she's not a psychologist by any means, but she pulled up her DSM one night and gasped when we reached the BPD conclusion.

My T doesn't really like to talk about BPD as a whole, although he did say that it was very difficult to treat and that the majority of pwBPD never overcome it. He pointed out that my exBPDbf, who has been through years of therapy, is the perfect example - the behaviors can be more easily managed, but the underlying disorder is always there.

As far as my exbf... .welllll... .there have been times when my T has been left speechless, too. But he tries not to come right out and say things (unless he feels there's a potential for actual danger). Usually instead he asks questions like, "And do you feel like you deserve(d) that treatment?"... .which pretty much says it all.

My therapist, who happens to specialize in DBT and has many BPD clients said some of the following:

"Why are you willing to settle for crumbs?"

"He is an empty shell"

When I found out he had a replacement she said:

":)on't think for a second that he will turn into prince charming overnight" (meaning don't think he will do for the replacement that he didnt do for you.  He's not capable)

My dBPDh had many years of DBT therapy.  Just goes to show that through the therapy even though he was able to cutail certain emotions like anger, and impulsive behavior, the underlying "empty" root is still there.

I wonder if the person that came up with "A leopard never changes its spots" was involved with a BPD?

It's all so very sad.  :'(

My T also told me, "You dodged a bullet."

-Wow, she really has gotten into your head. (In response to me having persistent nightmares).

-You need to get away from her.

"He is what we call in psychology a 'loose cannon'. You dont know what he's going to do next"

"He is very sick"

"Him leaving you is the best christmas gift that you'll ever received"

"Hallmark of ppl with BPD is that they do not take responsibility. And if they do not take responsibility of the break up (since he blames the whole breakup on me), he will not acknowledge his own problem. And without taking responsible of his own issues, he will not change"

“You’ve tried all that you can. This guy is untouchable” (in response to my issues with thinking that I should still try to reach out to him in a different way)

“Since he was abandoned by his dad when he was young, he might always fear that the person closest to him will abandoned him. So he over-compensate by being overly controlling. And no matter what you do, will never be enough”

And I think this one last one has been really useful to me whenever I slipped into confusion since my ex is not diagnosed:

“Usually people do not just have 1 issue. It is not like if they are BPD, then they are all BPD; if they are NPD, they are all NPD. Most of the time, they have abit of this, abit of that… it’s usually not clear cut. How a person is diagnosed is based on how many of the criteria he ‘meets’ out of the checklist. Maybe the criterion is such that when a person scores 6/10, he will be classified as disordered. But maybe your ex is a 5/10, so he may not be disordered, but he has those undesirable traits that still makes it difficult for him to maintain a healthy relationship. “

I find this extremely helpful, because my ex was never diagnosed, and I sometimes have trouble understanding his behavior. Sometimes I find that he fits into the description of a BPD, but yet at times he doesn’t exhibit some of the traits a BPD does.  Sometimes I think he is probably just verbally abusive, maybe he’s not disordered. Maybe I’ve wronged him and ‘mis-labelled’ him. But ultimately, does it matter what label was used to tag along with his problem? In the end, it still boils down to his behavior, his traits… which is not desirable and difficult for a healthy r/s.

I hope this above will help all those confused souls out there too.

"You sleep with one eye open, don't you" in response to physical abuse.

"Can you imagine what it would be like to be with an emotionally healthy person."

"Your wife has BPD. She has no business being in a relationship."

"The physical abuse will only escalate over time."

"I was incorrect in that I told you it was wrong to maintain a second home. You need a safe house to go to."

"Your wife as an insatiable appetite for love.  Not you or anyone else will be able to fill the need."

"It will take one to two years of therapy for you wife to be capable to be in a relationship.  I don't think you want to wait around that long."

My divorce is supposed to be final in 3 days. We have no kids or shared assets together. My 34 month journey into the world of BPD is just about over.

ABB

“Since she was abandoned by her dad when she was young, she might always fear that the person closest to her will abandoned her. So she over-compensates by being overly controlling. And no matter what you do, will never be enough”

Also... .she will abandon you before you can abandon her. (... and abandoning her never ever entered your mind?)

That's  what I lived through.

Unfortunately, yes, i was abandoned by my ex, even though i have never thought about abandoning him! it is how crazy, their own issues and fears leads to their own abandonment.

I used to feel really sorry that he'll need to go through another abandonment (this breakup). But I'm much more clear headed now and I can only say I know I've done my best and i am the one who is being abandoned instead!

My T doesn't like to talk about BPD but prefers to talk about Cluster B disorders. A friend who is a psych, likes to talk about Axis II disorders. Both of them say there is just too much crossover to ever be able to slot a person into one of the personality disorders and that BPD, NPD et al are just for insurance companies to have a diagnosis. Both T's said to not get caught up on labels but concentrate on behaviours and ask yourself are these acceptable behaviours to most people.

I've been reading a book called The Human Magnet Syndrome and have also been listening to some psych degree podcasts as well as some other writings by experts in personality disorders lately. A recurring theme is that all of the cluster B disorders have narcissism as their foundation, (not NPD but simply narcissism as a trait) And the universal trait of a narc seems to be how self absorbed they are which is a bit different to the general public's definition which usually goes along the lines of "People who are in love with themselves"

The Human Magnet book has a line where one end is an extreme "narcissistic emotional manipulator" the middle point is a theoretical "well balanced person" and the other extreme is a codependent.

My recent readings indicate that narcissism is at the heart of these disorders and the differences between a NPD or BPD of HPD are more in their acting out/defence mechanism behaviours.

My ex was diagnosed Generalised anxiety disorder, severe episodic depression. She also mentioned that maybe she was Bi-polar which in my limited reading I would agree with. I am also almost certain that she could be diagnosed with BPD. She certainly exhibited very strong narcissistic traits but strangely, in the idealisation phase, she came across as codependent. She always needs her enablers but swings from that to a place of reckless behaviour, ignoring the opinions of people that she relies on for all of her life advice. She had been in therapy for a long time then stopped that and started with a homeopath and thought that she was the bees knees!

These personality disorders fascinate me which is why I am starting a degree in psychology.

Doesn't sound professional to me. I could be wrong, but Axis II disorders are not covered by insurance companies in the US, so one may seek treatment for BPD-related issues like anxiety, substance abuse or bipolar disorder.

"You have to choose between life and death... ."

At first glance, that sounds a bit over the top. In reflection, there were a number of times it felt like life and death.  Everyday with her was a struggle. That constant stress cloud that was always in the room. If it was wasn't raining stress, it was about to.

ABB

My friends were worried about me as she isolated me.  We had a distance relationship and she controlled it by saying the only way I could see her was to come to her.  She believed i mismanaged my money, which I did not.  I am just freer with it.  Driving to see her cost money in gas and vehicle wear and tear yet the nagging and misunderstood condemnation continued.  My friends were worried she would start hitting me.   She did not.  She was quite a bit taller than I.  She would move me, tackle me (saying she was joking - I am no longer sure), hold me down by my shoulders to make a point, and pull things away from me abruptly.  Close to the edge for sure but I didn't know it. 

As far as my T, when I described the depressed disengagement as she stopped contacting me every day toward the end and it was obvious by her mood, expression, and excessive sleeping that she was depressed, my T noted she "pulled you down with her."  I was and now am again generally an upbeat positive person.  My ex was very serious and negative.  At first, she loved my "free spirited" nature.  Then when she began to devalue me, she called me childlike and said I had ADHD.  I do possess a healthy dose of joy at being present, content, and loved by God, loving others - I don't view that as childlike and, it is, I hope I will always be.  Also not ADHD but can't change a mind that chooses to condemn.  Don't get me wrong.  I loved my expwBPD and always will, in a different way niw, but it is best if it is only as friends as that keeps me healthy, able to bring a person of boundaries into the friendship, able to leave when she becomes abusive, and able to express my own needs and leave if they are not met.  We'll see. 

My T and I talked about my replacement.  I wanted to dislike her but couldn't.  My T said not to as she would receive the same treatment or worse.  I actually hope that someday my replacement would come to me so I can assure her she did the best she could and it's okay to move forward in taking care of herself.  Compassion rather than jealousy feels good.

Re: wanting to go back, my T commented I could continue to walk along the same side walk and fall in a hole or I can go to the other side of the street.

Mostly, however, my T and I talk about me and my self image, the childlike need to try to fix what was broken in my own childhood that I tried to fix by being with my expwBPD.  I need to keep looking at that as I can work on myself, not anyone else, and then I can look forward to a healthy relationship, not one so controlled and emotionally abusive.  We all deserve that, don't we.

 Lets focus on you not her.

Ready for this one?   My therapist was basically focusing on him and how we can work... .Without a lot of info came to conclusion he struggles due to being a marine -   Almost as he was more intersted in him as I then found his main practice is at VA hospital-   I finally went last session and got real! Really real! Explained im here to see why I can't let go... .Then gave him scenarios- REAL scenarios-   Now he is concerned of my safety-   Actually can't buy BPD as he doesn't know him but definately Understands he has "impulse control issues". He now has flipped it and is finally MY therapist-   I'm 110# and my guy is waaay big, WAAAAY strong-   He fears he will,on accident , kill me by he say he chokes me in my sleep-   The rage sees black and strength triples -   Bottom line, I never saw it that way and I've come to conclusion, it was abuse-  Ive been a mess since, I now kno what a dangerous situation I'm in and am trying soo very hard to break away -  he doesn't believe in no contact for "my" personality-   BOTTOM LINE-  it's hard facing UR own truth, I now am fAcing my real truth-  and I know it'll get better but I've been -100x worse that I know I HAVE to stay away-    Xoxox to all

My T is flipping fabulous and helped me immensely with my recover and detachment.  She met my uBPD/NPD ex gf when we did couples T with her at the beginning of year 2 together.  There were also about 3 individual sessions that my ex did with my T before abandoning the process when my ex felt "unsafe" and "ganged up on".  So, while I shared a great deal of detail of events with my T she already had formed a professional opinion of my ex while stopping short of any diagnosis. 

"You are paying for the sins of those who came before you!"

"You are not overreacting!  Her behavior will continue to deteriorate!"

"You cannot have an adult reciprocating love relationship with an emotionally immature person"

"She has many, many traits of BPD and NPD.  Strong traits.  She will not change without years of T."

"I don't understand why you are staying in this r/s.  The only thing I can think of is relationship addiction."

"Can you see yourself in 20 years putting up with this crap?  It will only get worse and harder for you to escape."

"Emotional blackmail is abuse.  Abuse!  Abuse!  Abuse!"

"Physical domination is physical abuse"

There were so many more quotes, but these are the first to come to mind. 

the last words my stbxw communicated to me about the r/s were "i'm very confused." my T said, "that's the only true thing she's said to you." confused about the r/s? about sexuality? about life? "yeah, probably all of them." this was very helpful. i was (still am) furiously violated by what she did, but what the T said pointed to the fact that my w was in a genuine emotional turmoil. not that i'm gong to pity her, mind.

This is my main take away from the relationship, that she was totally incapable of any sort of normal, adult relationship.I tend to excuse the BPD traits and behaviours, just putting that down to a mental illness that she didn't ask for, but knowing that she is incapable of a relationship makes it much easier to put the whole mess behind me and start looking forward, not back.

The interesting thing from my experience was how little my therapist discussed BPD, good, bad or indifferent.  Her focus was to deal with my core issues, namely my fears of abuse and intimacy.  She made a point not to broach the subject, or to let me broach it.  For what it's worth, it seemed like my exBPDw tried to get my therapist to focus more on her and to sublimate my needs to her.  That's all I can reasonably add.  And personally, I'm grateful for it.  It's easier to fix your own issues than to deal with someone else's.

Two thoughts.  One, from my days as an ambassador around here, is that it's scary how many cases of BPD come up in couples therapy.  It's interesting how pwBPD feel safer saying "hey, fix my partner, so that they can meet my needs" than owning up to their own issues.  Two, from my experience with couples therapy, is that unless you make a concerted effort to get someone with BPD to speak on their own thoughts and feelings, the sessions eventually lead to pwBPD trying to push on the various weaknesses and issues the non partner has to encourage them to become more co-dependent.  I had enough sense (thanks, partially, to my experience here) to not fall into that trap, but it's commonplace from my journey here.

I started seeing a T during the r/s because my now-ex said she couldn't continue to be with me unless I proved I was serious about 'bettering myself' and that couples therapy would greatly help our r/s (which she really pushed for at the time). Which she was right about, but when the time came she refused to go so I ended up attending the sessions on my own. Which was good for me because it further opened my eyes to what was really going on (being repeatedly abused, projected on, abandoned, etc.). Facing it, with much of the focus on my own part of things, helped me believe in myself more and have better personal boundaries. Which in turn made my then-fiance want to start coming to the sessions to "set your therapist straight about who you really are, and how this is all your fault, not mine. You're lying to her, she's eating it up, and I'm the only one who knows the truth." It would have been about forcing/controlling an expected outcome instead of unraveling the real problems and changing the actual patterns that were so negatively affecting us. My T saw through this right away, offering assistance in finding a different T we could see together if my now-ex was really choosing to work on our r/s instead of trying to tear it down/only have it go her way. Would my wife-to-be start fresh and go with me to a new more mutual therapist? No. Would she go to one by herself, and deal with her own issues? No. Here's another quote from my T: "She did you a favor when she left. You might still be trying to find a way to make it work with her when it's likely it wouldn't have ever worked with her. She resists it way too much. Share your love with yourself. In time, with someone else."

"She is trapped by trauma and probably always be.  She would be better and less traumatized if she had spent her life living on the streets picking food out of dumpsters than experiencing what she experienced."

"For someone of her makeup, you are looking at ten years of therapy and a team of professionals, and she would have to want to get better.  Then you'll know. Or you won't. Do you want to hang around for ten years doing this?"

"In order for you to stay in this relationship, you really would have to have Gandhi-like levels of detachment. It would require clinical detachment, almost as if she is a patient of yours. And that probably would not be good for you; it could damage you. And it would be impossible to ever see her as a romantic partner again."

"She's in touch with a reality, but it's not the same reality that you and I share. It's possible that she is bumping up against psychosis and it's also possible that it will become worse."

And when I finally decided that I couldn't deal with it anymore (or with things like her throwing objects), I told him I'd decided to commence a divorce.  He said, "And that's all you need to know.  No matter what's going on inside of her, you have to deal with the behavior."   

So Funny Ghandi like I use to say that to my ex... .How can someone even come close to such peacefulness ? Boy I tried it was either that or pull my own hair out. That made me laugh

LMAO.I hate when my T says that... .LOL

 So Funny Ghandi like I use to say that to my ex... .How can someone even come close to such peacefulness ? Boy I tried it was either that or pull my own hair out. That made me laugh [/quote]
christin, this was about the time he started encouraging me to consider divorce.  By that point, there was no way forward.  She was throwing things, she was questioning her sexuality, she was saying things like "I have always hated you," crawling around on the floor, crying, crawling into closets and hiding.  Really bizarre stuff.  She had a terrible childhood and early adulthood, and it all just exploded last spring.  Not that there weren't many, many signs for the nearly two decades we were together.

It won't be missed.  We have two kids together, and their lives are being affected, but boy do I love the world again, as I once did.

''Why are you bringing home a broken woman trying to fix it''

'' You dodged a bullet''

'' This is about you Mike''... .errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

'' your obsession to sick woman and wanting to fix them''

Just today:

"If she does have a personality disorder be it narcissism, borderline, schizoid, etc. she is never going to form an attachment to someone in a normal way."

"If she is this then her view on relationships and your view on them is like the difference in physics and quantum physics. One looks at things here on earth, the other looks beyond into space. In other words they may seem similar, but they are vastly different if she has a personality disorder."

"You will never be able to understand what happened to your relationship because you are trying to view it thru your analytical lens. She has a different lens, and if she has a personality disorder then she has a very distorted lens that you will never be able to understand."

Ultimately, it all still sucks.

LMAO... .You made me laugh when you said ''it all still sucks''... .That is so true.It just sucks to fall in love with a Personality Disordered Person... .

Anyway you go it sucks and hurts.To have them here is tough and to have them leave is tough... .We have to pick our poison

IT ALL STILL SUCKS... .

"When something is crazy, drop it."

Oh, and I forgot this one.

"If she does have a personality disorder she is not going to end your relationship until she has another one firmly in place so that she can land without dealing with the pain."

christin, this was about the time he started encouraging me to consider divorce.  By that point, there was no way forward.  She was throwing things, she was questioning her sexuality, she was saying things like "I have always hated you," crawling around on the floor, crying, crawling into closets and hiding.  Really bizarre stuff.  She had a terrible childhood and early adulthood, and it all just exploded last spring.  Not that there weren't many, many signs for the nearly two decades we were together.

It won't be missed.  We have two kids together, and their lives are being affected, but boy do I love the world again, as I once did. [/quote]
Yes the world is seeming nicer w/o the need to be Ghandi or Mike Tyson for someone either personality it was hit or miss ? Especially towards end ... .Mine was on her phone 24/7 creating a plan of attack on me... I was laying around watching criminal minds on Netflix ignoring her outlandish attempts to cause me to join her drama... .Which just made her more mad. I felt depleted and it was Christmas... That's all I Could think " it's f Christmas ... .REALLY " zoning on tv . 2 weeks until I finally said I accept ur threat go and go away, I'm so glad I chose to let go. It's gotta be better than dealing w someone who has no idea their even a problem because ALL is my fault. I never knew a depleted deflated deteriorated  person like myself could be the cause of ALL that's wrong in her mind. So yes life feels tough grieving but I'm getting moments of just bliss. It's gonna be ok I'm starting to recognize.

My T also told me pwBPD can cut their feelings off, and can lack empathy.

She said that pwBPD use children to keep people in their lives. (as in become pregnant)

She also said that pwBPD are the ones that snap and in an emotional rage or outburst will hit someone or even possibly kill them. I didn't believe her at first but she said that she has seen it before.

When she talked to my stepfather she told him to get away from my mother (who has strong BPD symptoms) because it is possible that she will hurt his daughter…

I take what she said with a grain of salt, but she  does have credibility behind her words. She has worked with BPD people for over 20+ years.

WOW Antonio, my uBPDexgf tried to used her children as a way to keep me in her life. When she ended our relationship (via a typewritten note in my B'day card) the last thing she said was if I wanted her to send photos of her kids in their activities to let her know. We were together 9.5 yrs and I had know her kids since they were 2 & 4. They loved me and I loved them. I even taught them not to be afraid of the dark by using their batman and Star Wars figures to protect them while they slept! After I blew up at her about how much of an ass she was, she painted me completely black. So they don't have to bear ur kids to use them to keep attached.

I will say this, however, after we were together 2 yrs, she wanted to get pregnant so that we could have a child of our own to raise together (we were a lesbian couple). Fortunately that didn't happen. So it wasn't for her lack of trying to have kids to keep me there even tho she was going to run off.

Yes, mine tried to beat me after we broke up.

My therapist said the same thing, and I'm grateful for it!