BPDFamily.com

Does anyone else feel like an onion?  I do!  I deal with one layer of dysfunction and peel that back and find the next one.  Will it ever stop or will I just have to keep peeling the layers back my whole life?

Ugggg this emotional growth stuff is hard!  Well probably not as hard as living a disordered life... .lol

So at some point in my life, I

1.  had a bad relationship with FOOD.  Ate too much or too little, didn't really appreciate food for what it is (both fuel and a pleasure).  Addressed that almost 2 decades ago.

2.  Then my own home grown co-dependency started and nurtured by my uBPD mom.  Married my uPBD husband.  Had to chose between the 2 (husband or mom) and learned tools to deal with mom (let's be honest... .if I could have pacified both, I would have).

3.  Husband got abusive enough that I had to learn boundaries and eventually my marriage ended.  My codependent tendencies dissolved as I de-enmeshed myself from my husband (is that even a word?  Well you know what I mean).

4.  Maybe 8 months later, I realized that I had deep seated issues with my 'non' alcoholic father... .and because of it, I found myself attracted to emotionally unavailable people.  Addressed that and with it, my draw to emotionally unavailable people began to dissolve.

5.  Had a disordered relationship with time throughout my marriage and during the 6 months following the end of my marriage (wasting a lot of time on facebook, messaging, even this site -- sorry).  Addressed that.  Turned out a lot of it was just being spun out worrying about my husband all the time.  Started to be more organized, planning ahead more effectively.

6.  Now I realize that I have such an unhealthy relationship with money.  I am better than ok financially but there is definitely something there.

I always thought that I spent more than I made because of lack of self discipline.  I don't think that is it.  I think there is more there that is unresolved and am getting ready to book more time with a therapist to look at it.  I would give pretty much anyone anything.  Heck I am on both the uBPDs in my lives mortgages (mom and ex-husband).  I gave my ex extra money so that he could buy his home knowing full well that I wouldn't ever get paid back.  I just can't seem to stay out of people's home purchases.  My brother asked for some money to refinance his high interest debt so he could refi his mortgage and I gave it to him.  Its probably the 3rd time I have loaned him money to pay off debt.  He always pays it back but it seems odd.  I worry about money too.  I budget, I think about it all the time.

I just get so tired.  Sometimes I just want to relax and not work on myself.  Doesn't seem to be an option though. 

Internally I am way more at peace than I was 10 yrs ago (night and day -- neurotic and wholly disorganized, to a reasonably balanced person with a successful career and a good mom etc).

There are a lot of areas where we all can have issues:  relationships, food, alcohol, drugs, time, money.

One thing I seem to be able to look at each of my friends and most either have an issue with their time or money pretty consistently. 

Am I onto to something or is this just a bunch of delusional mumbo jumbo?   Thoughts?