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I have so much compassion for her. I know she is suffering. How do I get past this?

I completely understand how you feel.

I split from my BPD ex bf about two and a half months ago, and I have days where I do nothing but cry and shake from anxiety, in fear that he will kill himself and in sadness because I know he is completely alone (i was the only person he had).

The only way I have found to ease these times, is to try to focus on and remember all of the reasons why I left and the fact that my BPD ex cannot give me the love and life that I deserve.

We have so much care, love and compassion in our hearts for our BPD because we know deep down they are tormented souls and like all of us are in need of true love and connection. But it is important to remind ourselves that it is not up to us to give that to them. We simply and sadly cannot.

In my mind, I also focus on my belief that everything happens for a reason (even if I will never understand that reason) and whatever will be, will be. I am not in control of anything in this situation and I am not responsible for his behaviour, actions and choices.

It is by no means easy and does not always work for me... .but this is the best advice I can offer.

Hope it helps xx

It'll pass,  trust me.

It's a long process to recovery,  6 months ago I was a damn mess but it gets better.

Yeah they suffer but there's nothing we can do about it,  if they are to have any hope of getting better they need to want it for themselves and do it for themselves.

Pretty much it's now time to work on you,  I know it's hard and I know it's not what you want to hear because I have been exactly where you are and it is the cold hard truth.

Excessive sympathy for our ex's (and a deficient sense of sympathy for our wounded selves) seems to be common in the aftermath of a breakup with a pwBPD.  It will pass.

Remember:  she's had enough coping skills to survive until now.  The feeling that *you* are the one who truly understands her and *you* are the one she NEEDS seems to be part of the dysfunctional dance of the relationship.

Try to extend some of that sympathy to YOURSELF.  You are probably in desperate need of it.

This -- >


Well said, jhkbuzz.

I second that!

Right now I know it seems like the darkness will never pass, but listen to Infern0. Recovery from this type thing takes time. I'm 19 weeks out and still have a long way to go, but I am so much better than I was just 6 weeks ago. And 6 weeks ago I was so much better than I was 12 weeks ago. It's a slow cumulative process.

Take it slow and easy. Focus of the basics of YOUR life from day to day and it will get better. You'll have good days and bad days. You'll go from sad to depressed to angry all in a days time. If you get a chance to enjoy yourself, TAKE IT. August west, trust the members here, we are all in this together |iiii


I'll third that!

I am right there with you. i can't stop crying at my desk at work. I want to die.

One of the most painful things I have been through in life has been my EXBPD/COCAINE ADDICT GF.

It feels like she stole my soul.It is gut wrenching pain that I hope to god I never have to go through again in this lifetime.

This will take some time to heal and NC is the best start with these disturbed people.I am in the process as we spaeak and it has been HELL on me.I better than I was and I hope to get better each day.

I really identify with what you describe, August. My r/s with my exBPDgf ended in early October and I still cry all the time, not only for the loss of the r/s but also because I know what she has to suffer through with her BPD. It breaks my heart over and over and over again. I love her so much. Many others seem to have the same problem so I think it's normal to struggle with grief like this after a BPD breakup.

If you don't mind me sharing, the things that have helped me the most are:

1. Finding a good therapist (I see a schema therapist once each week who specializes in treating BPD and their loved ones).

2. Working slowly through the books: Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott, Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young (prescribed by my therapist), and Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steve Hayes (prescribed by therapist)

3. Keeping a journal. (although studies have shown this can be counter-productive if one is a "ruminator" by nature).

4. Slowly and ritualistically removing and discarding all reminders, keepsakes, photos, etc... In retrospect, I wish I'd started this process much earlier.

5. Writing a letter to her (not to send, but to read to therapist and then destroy in a "letting-go with love" ceremony). This can be repeated as needed.

6. Mindfulness meditation and defusion techniques.

7. Distraction: I've learned to accept the strong feelings and emotions as they appear and allow myself to cry for a time, but after a little while of that I'll try to practice distraction (I find that washing dishes, cleaning house, organizing my desk, etc. for at least 20 minutes or so helps me get my mind off things). Ruminating for too long only makes things worse.

8. I pray for her and for me every day so that I can hopefully learn to "let go and let God."

As painful as it is, in the end there's a real opportunity to become a better, stronger, more compassionate person after a BPD relationship. Honestly, I've never felt more isolated, alone, rejected, and just plain ugly in my whole life after my breakup. But at the same time I've also never had as much of a capacity for empathy and compassion for others as I do right now nor a better idea of how I want to get better and improve my own life. So, it can be a blessing in disguise in the end with a little patience, a little endurance, and just taking the time to work through everything. One step at a time. That's been my experience so far. All the best to you in yours... .

wow proust... .i printed that to keep in my journal. thank you. good list!