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Just thinking back to my relationship with my ex BPD fiancee... .

One thing I remembered about her is that she seemed to enjoy having a drama in her life, whether between us, work or her family.  She then gossip to her friend or mother, sometimes using some issues which I would have rather preferred she had kept to herself. It was like she thrived on this. It may explain why she loved watching the Jeremy Kyle Show  lol

Is this a common trait of BPD?

One word: YES!

Beyond a doubt. And if she didn't have it, she would create it. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not.

Yes! The drama feeds their little crazy soul.  They are in turmoil on the inside and need to create turmoil in their lives to "align" with the "circus" in their heads!

I felt like every time things started to get somewhat stable, she had to shake them up. She would often frame it in nice terms though (love that pop-psych), about how she had learned to appreciate the situation.

Oh yah anything I felt should be kept between each other only was a form of control or manipulation . My ex would share things w her ex who hated me and he'd teach her how to fight w me . She'd use his words to argue it was very obvious . I had the whole gamut of BPD traits in my r/s : gas lighting , projection , smearing w others and the wonderful triangulation . I now think God how did I even deal w this madness. Now that I've had 6 weeks away from this , after a huge FOG and lots of grief I see hope. It's been a rough 4 years. She is now in her new life w I'm sure drama and then when there's no drama she texts me some negativity in hopes I will participate ... .So she can turn around and share whatever we discussed . I keep my answers short. I try not to say much of how I feel so I can be not much of a side show for her.

WOW YES... .they thrive on it! If mine did not have chaos happening, she would be off - it was very noticeable. When there was no drama happening, she would be checking all of her email accounts to find some: work, her son (there was daily drama with him) and whatever she could manufacture.

Yes.

Yes. Mine couldn't function without the chaos and crazy. If our lives started to be some what normal and stable she would tip the scale and invite chaos or create chaos ... .but of course it was my fault things were so crazy. She would always say she wanted a normal, calm life. Whenever it got calm and normal she would stir it up and all hell would break loose.

Is it that they enjoy drama? Or is it more that their BPD traits lead to drama?

I have some very vivid memories of mine, seemingly starting stuff for no reason.  Some paranoid thought.  Her face in those moments is still etched into my mind.  Not sure "enjoy" is the right word.  It was more like she had this compulsion to re-create her inner turmoil in the world around her.

Perhaps it was because it was what she knew, what she felt comfortable in.  Hard to say.  They are, in many ways, recreations of their childhood fears.

My uBPDexgf said before "I don't do drama".  She also did not get along with many females and had more male friends (mostly distant facebook friends from another time, mind you).  Usually, women like that, that don't get along with other women (potentially other women don't like them), are usually the source of drama.  I can see her acting a certain way around men/boyfriends of women and causing a reaction, and then she likely thought this was drama created by women.  Her best friend is a total attention wh*re and they both seemed to enjoy speaking of drama together.

My mother, I now believe, is on the BPD spectrum.  You can see a light in her eyes when she is discussing a bad thing that happened to someone else that she is supposedly upset about.  I think this occurs because BPDs are often bored and feel boring because they don't have a clearly defined sense of self.  You can tell that my mom likes to have something juicy/traumatic/sad to discuss because it seems interesting to others.  She also becomes a bit dramatic in the retelling.  One bitter fruit of breaking with my uBPDexgf is the realization that my mom may very well have it too and that is why I was so easily taken in.   

Yes not sure if it was drama or just trust issues doing behaviors with intent to cause some sort of issue of not enough need. A need for something going on? Mine just had a hard time enjoying herself. It was always hit and miss. I was grateful for the kids because she was a good actor when it came to making it look good for them. Or I'd screw up somehow maybe I'd have a need and the day went south ... .Drama? It's just them

BPDs don't enjoy anything... .period

creating drama and chaos manufacture are actually very primitive ways of coping with inner turmoil and shame through projection and manipulation

in many situations with them, it's also an insidious form of attention-seeking... .

I don't think they enjoy it so much as they need it. They can't live without it. they can't live without chaos. I saw it in my exBPDgf and defiantly in my BPD mother. Its like stability has the opposite effect on them that it has on normal people.

For my exBPDgf everything could be going perfectly, not a worry in the world about a single thing, and then out of nowhere drama or a huge emotional bomb would explode.

For my BPDmother she couldn't live without a man. The longest she has ever gone without a man is only a couple of months. The times in between having a man were probably when she was her most stable. But then she would get a man in her life, bringing tons of drama. Even in her relationships with the men I remember them "breaking up" and "making up" many times, never a period of absolute peace.

Looking back it isn't even drama that they needed it was chaos.

I think the drama is just a distraction for them. When everything is going fine they have too much time to think and worry. They might even get to looking at their own behaviour and we know they cant deal with that.

Bingo.Once everything was stable for us and calm she went nuts and the walls came crashing down.She destroyed everything right in front of my eyes.

Drama and chaos makes them feel alive again... .Stability makes them feel dead.

When some chaotic elements were taken out of our life after sustained chaos and everything seemed to be smooth sailing for good, that's when she had disappeared.

I think that's true, but in addition I think it's a state they have so much experience in that non-drama feels weird and worrying, like if you were to come home and the pictures on your walls were missing.

Do bears... .in the woods?

Yes... .lmao

I wouldnt necessarily say they enjoy the Drama; all the chaos is a result of their poor decision making, which, if you accept the fact that these people have a mental disorder, is not totally their fault.

not totally... .but enough! And it sure aint mine... .besides allowing it and then we get into the murky waters of victim blaiming.

The chaos comes from push/pull, that results in drama, its true they may not even enjoy the drama, but they can't abide the closeness and a non will push for it so... .drama

From my own personal experience and extensive research drama is used sub consciously by the Cluster B for a few different reasons, I will go into some of these in further detail to help you understand exactly why they tend to create drama.

Reason number 1 self validation (baiting)

Baiting is a form of impulsive behavior that is used to not only create drama but its also used by a cluster B to fulfill their low self esteem and in return for this sub conscious tests are brought upon us.  To build on this behavior I will use a typical baiting example used by the cluster B.

John was flirting with me the other night

Some guy brought me a drink last weekend he was pretty hot actually    

So why does he/she do this?  The reason why they do this is solely for self validation, they use the validation (attention) gained from elsewhere and turn to you to declare the validation.  In response to this baiting behavior she is expecting you to become angry and jealous, and further conclude the self validation by saying your mine, and I wont let anybody touch you.  As you can see this is merely a test that is completely sub conscious and not pre meditated.  They thrive off validation and when you respond in the desired way scripted in their head she feels worthy and validated.  

Reason number 2 (Attention)

This all stems back to child hood, imagine a child that was raised by a Narcissistic parent, the child crys out for attention, but because of the lack of empathy and care from the parent the child slowly figures out in order to gain the parents attention they must create drama in order to get a response negative or positive.  For example:

Child comes home from school, the parent ignores the child and doesn't ask how their days been.  The child then starts to play up in school in the hope that, the parent would be called in and the child would receive positive or even negative attention.

This is exactly the reason why drama is created, they felt invisible as a child, so in order to feel like they actually exist they act out for attention, think of it as ALL EYES ON ME if i can get a reaction from my partner positive or negative I actually exist because for once someone is actually reacting to my  behavior.      

Reason number 3 feeling safe

A Cluster B has had a life full of drama since childhood, they have learnt to cope best in these situations because they feel more in control of their surroundings.  For example, defense mechanisms have been learned and perfected from such a young age in order to protect ones self from harm, and in a lot of cases this is all they know.  So just imagine giving a BPD a millionaires lifestyle, no worries, holidays throughout the year, while the rich partner is saying "you dont have to worry anymore, ill look after you" sounds amazing to a NON right?

But in the mind of the cluster B those defense mechanisms are now not needed, why would they be if everything will be catered for towards you?  This is when they panic and lash out because they dont know to to adapt and handle the environment their in, because in their mind no drama no attention, when a Cluster B is faced with relaxation they start to lose control because its an environment they have never learned how to encounter and adapt to before.

I hope that answers your question                

Sadly, when we eventually  had some peace and stability in our lives, after a tough few years together, she embarks on her affair!

I will never understand, but at the end of our 12 year relationship she was a totally different woman than the one I first met!

Heartbroken eagle... .after we finally got to the "stable" point and we were both in therapy dealing with our demons ... .That is when my exBPD left me again for another. I thought all of that bull was finally behind us and we really had a chance this time... .I was so wrong.

Drama and chaos=Bpd R/S

Willtimeheal.

This is another aspect of our break up that really hurt. I actually had seen a future of us together as we had just moved into a new house with our son, a minute walk from her mother. In 6 months I was used, abused and thrown out like garbage.

However, my ex fiancee mother is a Narc and did not really like me from the 12 years I'd known her. As I was working away from home, awaiting a transfer, I know she put her claws into her daughter and influencing her. In those 6 months my ex had changed, perhaps the real 'her' came out.

Heartbroken eagle... .

I saw the future too. We were looking at homes to buy so we could move in together (her kids, her, and I).  Instead of her mother interfering it was her brother. He had a sick jealousy when it came to my ex. He was very possessive of her and she was easily influenced by every thing he said. She never wanted to disappoint her brother... .me no problem but not him. He wanted her to spend more time with him, stop therapy , and start partying again... .so she did. And that led to the constant drinking., lying, and cheating. I finally walked away after I put up with it for six years... .at one point i thought for a brief moment we had a chance... .I was so SO wrong.

This sounds like triangulation . I had the same situation w my exs ex husband . Some serious jealousy plus he had some revenge thing going on. Her just putting up w this was so ridiculous now that I'm done w that. Who keeps a person in your r/s to cause discord. I wouldn't I cared about our r/s. I'd get pissed at her not giving this guy the boot. I didn't get it until now how it was just her way of keeping me down and controlling . I asked her before the end do u have any alliance ? You know what her answer was ... ." I have no alliance to anyone ! I don't pick teams" she really should have said , " I only have alliance to whoever does what I need and want" would have been honest. I'm so loyal I was loyal to a pwBPD. Get that. I'm sorry about your ex. It's part of there neeeeeeeeeddddd . I guess this topic just makes me angry. And relieved I'm done w that.

Conditions have to be either black or white. Either they are very happy and you are perfect, or you are the worst thing that ever happened. They cannot stand the middle ground.Stability is boring and foreign to them.

Mine is the best when there is serious drama that is real. She is at the worst when she feels obligated to create drama.

WOW yes! My ex could create drama out of thin air, it was amazing. In T I realised that one of the main things I missed about her after the b/u was the drama! No boring conversations about "what did you have for lunch" for us, with her every conversation was about some self inflicted drama in her life. She was a part time teacher and she could talk and fret about not getting student's work corrected, I swear, if she spent the time that she talked about it just correcting the work she would have finished it but no, we sat up in bed until 4am correcting it and it still wasn't finished. Early on in the r/s her dad called and she didn't answer the phone, she spent the next few hours worrying about whether or not she should have answered it. It was unreal, never seen anything like it!

Not much evidence pwBPD actually enjoy much of anything.

Yes. Or maybe "enjoy" isnt the correct term. Its just something that is such a common part of life that without chaos things are not... .right... .

Imagine that you live in the middle of a minefield.

And everyone that gets close is expected to be blown apart/not give up/give up/try to kill you. Because you set the minefield and give no person the map - you didnt make one.

The minefield is something you set to protect yourself.

But you are now trapped inside.

And always want someone to come closer and will invite them.

Because you want desperately for someone to get through.

But they can't.

There is no map to the minefield.

No matter how hard someone tries, they will step the wrong way.

That is the chaos that becomes the norm.

Destroying all that come close, even though you want them to be close.

Now it is part of life, and without that things don't seem quite... .right.

And trying to change that mindset induces a very strong fear, a fear of destruction of self.

Fear of death.

Beccause it is a part of you.

ditto my friends.

Yep. and Chaos. Cant forget that... .

I don't know if it is a common trait, but I can assure you of this:

When you eliminate drama queens from your life AND add no more... .

It's wonderful.

The air up here is amazing.

Not to mention your body gets a break. Your adrenal glands get to rest. Your system is not full of cortisol.

Your organs don't have to work double time to break down / use / eliminate all of the chemicals your brain is dumping because of the DRAMA.

I spent 25 years with an "ALL EYES ON ME ALL THE TIME" type... .now that I am rid of that nonsense, I will live to be 100!

yes! life full drama. if it wasnt something I was doing wrong it was a conflict or worried about something or someone else that had nothing to do with us or her for that matter. She was always in some sort of conflict at her job. " someone was alway jealous of her or out to get her" I started noticing the patterns with us, we were either in the honeymoon stage for about 3 weeks, where we was consumed with around the clock crazy wild sex, partying, taking trips and making future plans and then once that settled down we started with her creating drama which lasted anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 weeks and ended with a break up, in which we would stay apart for about the same duration and during that time we was spent involved in the " chase" then it would start all over again with the honeymoon. This wnet on almost the whole 3 years after the first 3 or 4 months in the beginning of our relationship so Im not sure if they love drama but they have to have it in their lives. why? Im not sure.

Very recognisable. There was always someone at work out to get her, irritating, or not functioning right. One of her 'friends' was always trouble, until she would cut her out of her life eventually. Rinse and repeat.

Its also how the relationship went, I see that now. Honeymoon phase (at first a few months, later a few weeks), neutral period, devaluation. Repeat, repeat. Crazy train!

In my experience, they cannot live without drama.  :)uring the 9 years I spent with my xBPDh we had very little calm, normal, times.  Most of the drama was created by him.  It was as though, if we had no problems, he would find some.  He could not relax and enjoy peace and quiet, although he said this was what he wanted.  If we went through a peaceful few weeks, he would always find work that needed doing, or things that friends needed his help with something, or just pick on my kids and cause a row.  He also moved out several times, at the drop of a hat and then begged me to take him back a few days later.  He couldn't just enjoy a normal, carefree life.

Now, a couple of years later, just as it would seem that he should be settling down in a new home with the replacement and enjoying some quiet time together - he is creating more trouble.  He has been out fighting in bars, he looks a complete mess and his living conditions are what he always said he didn't want, with her large extended family living in caravans in his garden and him having no privacy.

In contrast, I have such a peaceful and happy life now, that I wonder why I put up with his 'drama' for so long.  I guess I didn't make the connection between him and trouble and thought we just had bad luck.

During any period of relative 'calm' mine would engage in behaviours to try and initiate 'jealousy' from me.

Needless to say she was ridiculously jealous of any of my female friends. After only a couple of week into the relationship she freaked out at a concert we went to as a group, because she said I was 'dancing too close' to an old dear female friend of mine. At the time idiot here took it as a 'compliment' that this hot woman was so 'crazy' about me. In retrospect of course it was all part of her sick plan to manipulate me into a place she wanted me to be (which she most certainly did... )

Anyway, back to the original subject...

Several months later (and after one of those 'periods of calm' I was at her place and this journal suddenly appeared from nowhere (I had been with her for at least 5 months by this point and I had never seen it before) While she was reading it in front of me she was smiling and mumbling the odd comment. Thing is, I knew what she was up to, so I said nothing. The next day she was working late so she let me have her key so I could let myself in.

On her bed I found the said journal with a piece of paper (strategically) sticking out of it. Again, I knew exactly what her game was. I totally ignored it. That evening she again flicked through it with the same sighs and hopes that I would say something. This time I did ask and she gleefully informed me it was a dating journal from around ten years ago.

I asked her to read some of it to me (what the heck, the past is the past, right?) Her face immediately dropped before she informed me in no uncertain terms that it was a PRIVATE matter of her past... Fair enough I said...

She gained nothing from the exercise... But I gained a lot! (Why oh why did I stay with this woman?)

What is it with the jealousy thing? My ex wanted nothing to do with old female school friends that I've known for 30+ years. One night she had a dream that I slept with a mutual friend and after that it was as if it was a fact that I had slept with her! Then after the b/u she got in contact with this mutual friend and smeared the hell out of me. Crazy, crazy!