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Things have been going ok... .I have realised SO has a time pattern of good days and rage days. Last rage was pretty bad but we have had good days. We are regularly intimate although I am finding I feel a bit disconnected from him after a rage. Overall though our intimate life is pretty good

Last night I woke up to him touching me... .which has never happened before. I was shocked but decided to pretend to be asleep to see what he would do. To my shock he tried to push into me at which point I pretended to stir and he jumped away from me quick. I thought that would end it but he tried again a number of times during the night.

We have been together 4 years and he never pressures me so I am so confused. I feel violated but I also know he loves me. Has this happened to anyone else? I haven't seen him today and am anxious about how to react.

I am sorry that you went through that.  It is incredibly violating when someone invades our personal space and crosses boundaries. Boundaries are more than crossed when your body becomes violated.  How are you holding up?

Did you say anything to him after he tried attempting a couple of more times? 

I understand that you would be anxious how to react, but this should be more focused on you and not his reactions. Bringing up and discussing the situation is important to ensure that this behavior does not happen again.  If you do not discuss and state your boundaries, you may be almost "reinforcing" his behavior.  He may think that this behavior is acceptable. While discussing this situation, I would be as clear and direct as possible.  Do you plan on having a discussion with him?

Thanks for the input Eagles - I was beginning to think I had made a mistake posting this but I have been so confused. To make things worse I did some snooping - I know never a good idea - and have found out some more unsavoury things about my fiancee that have just shocked me so much I am leaving the house for the weekend. I just can't believe a man who has lectured to me for 4 years about trust, honesty and faithfulness has been deceiving me. I am the most honest person you will find and yet he has made me feel bad constantly for 4 years thinking I may be unfaithful to him and he has been the one to deceive me. I just can't cope with the rollercoaster anymore  :'(

Thank you for your advice - I think I am way beyond talkiing to him at the moment. 

Hi believer55,

It sounds like you had a sense that he was not being faithful, and checked your assumptions. Is this something you sensed before? Maybe the shock of what happened gave you some clarity, and allowed you to look more directly at what you have suspected. You've had to process a lot in a short period of time. How are you doing? Do you have people you can talk to right now, either friends, family, or even a therapist?

Do you get the sense he feels you emotionally pulling away? My ex had an uncanny sense and could detect even the most subtle emotional distance. Is your fiance like that? It's important to protect yourself and take good care right now. I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself and hope it helps you piece together everything that's happening.

Thank you LnL... .yes I have a friend I am going to stay with and she is aware of how he has been behaving. Yes - you are so spot on he can sense any change in my mood/emotion and if he thinks I am pulling away from him I get a barrage of questioning and accusations. I really didn't expect to find what I did about him as he is always professing his love and loyalty to me - sometimes hours on end - but especially if he feels I might be thinking of "straying" - of course that is never a thought of mine but his worst fear. He cheated on his ex but always told me it was because she cheated on him and he couldn't forgive her. Man - have I just been blind?

I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to. That matters so much! I didn't confide in friends until they started to notice something was wrong. It was a relief, but it also created some emotional distance, just the tiniest amount, and that made my ex even more possessive.


I heard this from my ex too, the exact same thing 

It was what drew me in, when I think about it. I thought he had been so poorly treated, and hurt. How could this woman treat him so badly and hurt him like that? I knew I would never do that to him. But then shortly after we got married he cranked up all these infidelity accusations against me, as though I was his ex-wife. So confusing.

I don't think it's blindness. I read somewhere on this board about how we internalize the accusations and become steeped in the defense, focused on proving our innocence. We stop examining our own feelings about what is happening. Something about what happened to you recently jostled this pattern, and you began to seek information to confirm what you suspected.

Sometimes I think of my inner emotional life as a diverse member organization, with some members dominating more than others, all sitting at a big table making decisions, floating some information to the group as they deem necessary.  :) My own board of advisors. Maybe there is a changing of the guard for you, and other voices are having a say at what is best for you. 

Thank you again LnL. I think you are right about the board of directors changing their focus. Hi Dr Jekyll is so nice and wonderful that the Mr Hyde was being excused. I don't think that can happen anymore. Shame is he went for a psych evaluation and they told him he was having trouble getting over his previous relationship and there was nothing wrong with him. I am beginning to see his ex in a new light as she was with him for 15 years. Looking forward to getting to my girlfriends and feeling supported.