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Have had low contact for a while now.  Just got this text.

"I know that things between us haven't always been easy and I know there were mistakes on both sides. You know that I have never been happy with (replacement) and I was always happy with you and when I'm with you or talking with you I don't think of anyone else!  I miss you and I still love you and I want us to be together again I don't think we were ever meant to be apart.  You know me better than anyone and I feel different when it's with you.  I still want us to go to Paris.  X. If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?  I don't want to cheat I don't want us to be fake I want me and you. Can I come over on Monday when I get back i miss you so much x



Mind = blown

Holy ___, holy ___, holy ___!

How are you feeling?

Did you respond?

Wow. That's like... .the message I always want to get but probably will never get (although I've received it during our various previous break ups).

It must give you some... .satisfaction, getting this, I'm sure.

However, NOW is the time to really start reflecting on the relationship and the person you were with. Is she healthy? Will she give you a good life? I don't know your story well enough, but if you're on this forum I'd hazard a guess that the answers are no.

You have the chance to get the upper hand now and to keep it. If you just text back a simple 'no', so that it shows she doesn't have her hooks in you anymore, you'll be free and you'll be the one having the upper hand.

It is also a chance to get back with her and see where it goes. But that is a VERY dangerous game. Think about it like this: what if you get back together and eventually the same problems arise? What if you have to go through the grieving phase all over again? Are you able to handle that? Are the people around you, your support system, able to help you with that, AGAIN? Difficult questions.

I can't say: don't do it. I've done it 10 times, so who am i to speak? All I know is that in the end it never worked like I hoped it would. It always fell apart. She's missing you right now and I'm sure that's real and true, but what happens if she's got you back, when things settle down? Has she changed?

Keep talking about it with us before you make up your mind. The choice you will make, might leave a mark on your entire life.

I don't know bro. We have mini recycled a couple of times but this is a bolt from the blue. I asked if we could talk about it tomorrow to buy some time.  She text that of course and that she loves and misses me.

I have no idea on God's green earth what to do

Forgive me if I'm insensitive and for taking liberties but... .


She was so happy that she cheated and then replaced you with someone else.


Are you paying for that by any chance?


Translation: If you don't want me back I will hold on to him as a back up.


But you did.


Any guarantees that it would be any other way?

Good translations by Mr Hollande (from the Netherlands as well? Hallo!).

The thing that would irk me the most is the comment about the replacement. I mean, what healthy person would hold on to someone, but be able to drop him for someone else? It reeks of needing supply at all costs.

A friendly word of advice: you said you're going to "talk" tomorrow.  I don't know if that's over the phone or face to face.

Either way:  why tomorrow?  Take some time to straighten out your head before you engage with her or it's going to get crazy FAST.

Did she cheat on you?

No she didn't cheat.  Our breakup wasn't typical of BPD,  I DID make some mistakes due to not understanding the disorder and reacting like a bit of a douche when she disregulated.

It's a long story,  I can probably keep her at arms length but she wants to come to my house on Monday night and have a proper talk so I'll need to know what I want by then.

I'm in two minds

No, you don't need to know what you want by then. Why listen to her demands? You take as much time as you need and she has to accept it. If she doesn't, you know enough.

Comparing your recent posts with your early ones you've come a long way in a short time. I admire you for that but I don't envy the situation you're in now. I think, and once again forgive me if I am insensitive, a message like that from my ex would be my biggest nightmare. Whatever you decide to do I hope it turns out alright.

It's a double edged sword, right? I mean, it would be my worst nightmare and my fondest fantasy. Both at the same time.

You acted like a douche during her disregulation because you did not understand the disorder?  .  Why should you be expected or even feel bad for one minute about normal reactions to the abnormal? Why would you even think part of the blame is on you for not understanding disfunction to have a functional relationship? I would love to get that message from my ex as well, now that we understand more of the disorder we could probably Best serve them in a relationship leading towards functional but I believe that will only happen if she becomes at least as aware of the disorder as we are and the fact that she has it and wants to fix it! I do not know if your ex is aware she has a problem? My ex still believes that she does not! The only way I would try one more time with my ex and my first major boundary set would be self-awareness of her issues and a desire to correct them! Besides no more messing around with other men! lol. I think it boils down to loving them enough to not enable the problem anymore and make them fix it!  I would not try without her in therapy!

inferno, unless I wanted a recycle I would not meet or talk to them. NC and I mean really NC was the only way I could get lose from mine and stay out. I started thinking to my self when mine would start " pecking" was if im really done with her why does it matter what she says or how it really ended. It was over we both said what we needed to say wether it was nice or not. Nothing else to talk about unless I wanted a recycle. Mine was such a good talker and manipulater that she could talk me into believing that everything was my fault and everything that she did, lie, cheat, play games I had caused her to do that.

every break we had i went NC, after about 3 weeks she would start pecking away at me with texts and phone calls and at first I was strong and for a few days i would stay NC. During that time she started pouring on the I miss yous and It all my fault and I have done some soul searching etc... .and then I would cave in and respond. Next thing I knew here we go again and then she would turn it around on me and it was all back to my fault again. This time I stayed NC, went thru the  begging letters, begging texts, stalking and then the raging messages calling me all kinds of vile names and now I have peace.

infern0,

I couldn't possibly tell you what to do.  Every relationship is different.  All I can do is tell you a little bit about what I went through during a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Here you go:

B/u 1 after about 2 years together: I left the r/s after she began a texting (and maybe more) r/s with one of her clients.  She also began painting me black and told me she was going to "downgrade" our r/s because she didn't like the "new me" (the one with boundaries and self respect).  She slept with client during the two weeks we were apart and then came back to me wanting to talk.  We met, slept together and started up again.  She wouldn't accept any responsibility for her actions/words and put the breakup on me.  I allowed this to happen and blindly marched forward and nothing changed.  I believe she continued to correspond with the replacement.

Breakup 2 after 2.5 years together: I left the r/s again after being pushed to the brink with entitlement, push/pull, lack of empathy, chaos, gaslighting and on-going emotional blackmail and abuse.  We had just gone through our second failed of couples T.  She used her young kids to guilt me back into the r/s and I bought into it.  Nothing changed and the emotional abuse ramped up in ways that were truly cruel.  I was deep into the r/s addiction and her emotional disregulation was getting worse and worse.

B/u 3 after three years together: again I left the r/s this time feeling I couldn't take anymore abuse.  We were trying a third round of couples T and the theme of her projecting along with rewriting history was driving me batty and breaking my spirit.  I was so angry!  I was dealing with two rough family health issues and she was acting out worse than ever.  I knew things needed to end, but I didn't have the will to break it off clean.

Final b/u two months later: the emotional abuse/blackmail was out of control and the first physical abuse/domination happened a month earlier.  I was in emotional survival mode and my T and family were pushing me hard to get out.  One last confrontation and act of physical abuse (in front of her 10 year old daughter) followed by her doing hundreds of dollars of damage as she left my home.  I was beyond done and finally closed the door for good enforcing strict n/c even with her living on my block.  Being so close, I witnessed the parade of men at her house starting within a week of the b/u.  That was fourteen months ago.  She attempted to break n/c several times and I never relented.  Thank goodness she moved to another area of the city (large city) and there have been a couple emails which I didn't respond to.

Ok, I tell you all this to help you understand what you are probably in store for.  Here are some questions that I suggest you ask yourself:

1. Based on her behavior/actions/words so far, can you live with these things knowing they will most likely get worse?

2. What do you get out of this r/s?  Do you see yourself growing and thriving in this r/s?

3. If you wrote down your life values (love, respect, honesty, etc.), would her behaviors and actions be in line with your values?

4. If you wrote down what you wanted in a r/s and what a healthy r/s looks like in your head, does this r/s fit the bill?

5. If your son, daughter, brother, sister or best friend was in this r/s what would you tell them to do?

6. What do you have to gain by agreeing to meet with your (ex) gf?

7. What is your gut telling you?

There was good and bad in my r/s and I can tell you honestly that I personally should have walked at or before the time of the first b/u.  I didn't, but finally did after a long and bumpy road.  Once out of the r/s, I took the time to re-establish the most important r/s in my life = me.  I had a fantastic T who helped me keep the focus on me.  The process sucked and I second guessed my decision to leave the r/s many times.  Fourteen months out I'm so happy, at peace and loving the lack of chaos in my life.  A few months ago, while not looking, I met a wonderful non PD lady.  My r/s with my daughter is closer than ever.  I'm doing all the things I want to do in life and I feel blessed. 

Again, I'm not telling you what to do.  Please take the time you need to think and find some peace from the chaos.  Good luck!

If there is any truth whatsoever in what she has expressed then the above line should read: When I have left my replacement would you give us another chance?

It seems she, like my uBPDexgf, can not be alone at all.  This is why they will always cheat and lie.  You are being triangulated.  It would not surprise me if your replacement is getting edgy and about to fly away.  Be kind to yourself and move on.

Agree 100%.

The killer word in the whole text was 'if', ie, im going to stay with him if you don't. What about replacement man? I guess you can pass on your username and password to him as you pass him on the way in.

LOL ! I'm tempted to give mine to my replacement anyway !

hahaha - yes I have a new girlfriend and have moved on.  Might as well hand mine over to replacement as well.

This sounds just like the message I wanted to see for so long from my exBPDgf. Hell if she sent this to me now I would actually be kind of happy, though I wouldn't take her back.

I cant tell you what to do, I don't know anything about your history with this person. But based on how she is acting it sounds like she is just acting impulsively and searching for a new source of supply. If you refused to be with her she would most likely hang on to the new guy and probably look for another way out by finding another source of supply. Whether her new supply is you or not is your decision. And this might hurt you in the long term too because it is keeping you from detaching and keeping her in your life. If I was in your position I would just do whats best for me and run. Thats what my T told me when it comes to people with BPD. My T told me to run run run run!

I would say just run from her. Thats my 2cents being put in. I could be wrong about your relationship, but the way she talks about leaving your replacement just seems very BPD. It seems like she is going to get her supply from you, your replacement, or someone else and she is just testing you out right now to see if you are a soft landing or not.

Man I must admit you are one lucky guy. I hope everything works out okay. I can only dream of getting such a message from my ex girlfriend. Think thoroughly, you will trust your gut feelings.

These are GREAT questions! I went through them for myself for the heck of it and, in each instance, the answer pointed to (what is now) the obvious for me:  don't ever recycle.

The one thing I think everyone needs to keep in mind is that she didn't cheat on him.  That makes it a very very different situation than many of us on these boards have had.  No matter how much I may have loved my ex, the cheating sealed the deal for me - we were done, done, done.  It's an issue of self respect (and communicable diseases, I might add).

But that's not the case for Infern0

I agree with you and his situation could be completely different than any of ours. She could be the nicest person and could easily have changed from the way she was acting. What I am worried about is if he goes back to her their will be more pain. And also it is weird to me that she is asking him if she breaks up with her bf will he take her back. Because it'll work in her favor because we won't go without a supply at all. It is the behavior that she is exhibiting that shows she has to have a supply in her life that is making me think it'll just end up hurting Inferno in the end.

And also good for you for cutting your pwBPD out as soon as they cheated.  :)

Hi Infern0,

So sorry to hear you feel torn in this situation. Sounds to me like your mind tells you one thing and your heart another... .It brought back a quote I once read and took to heart in a similar situation.

"Follow your heart, but take your mind with you. There is a fine line between being in love and being stupid."

I agree with a previous post about the questions you should ask yourself.

Are you in love with her Infern0 or are you in love with the potential you see in her? Do you love her unconditionally for all she is or do you want her to change her ways?

Either way you choose, I truely hope you'll be happy and it will work out for you.

Lots of luck and wisdom... .

Oh, mate... .

No, just no... .

  If I printed out all the epiphanic emails sent to me by my ex over the years, I could practically paper all the walls of my house with them.

  She even appeared at my front door at one point, and hand-delivered one of them.  It later emerged that she was feeling a little dodgy about an upcoming trip to England to visit her family.  A week later-once she arrived in England-she dropped me like a stone. 

  The first time you receive such a missive, you feel like it's the greatest triumph of your life.  Years later, you come to recognize them for what the truly represent: another manifestation of the disorder. 

  When I eventually found the stones to finally break-up with her, guess who was at my door 20-mintues later with my favourite coffee, and a cartload full of apologies and promises that, "... .over the last few months, I have never felt closer to you!"

Curiously, in the four-months leading up to my departure, making that 20-minute journey was the equivalent of the Bataan Death march for her, and she only visited twice in all those months.  Curiously, towards the end, calls and texts were so infrequent that I was startled whenever she did call.  On that fateful morning the calls rolled in one after another like massive storm waves striking a beach.  The flow of text messages was equally voluminous, and all of them professed her unyielding love and devotion for me. 

  Don't go there, mate... .just don't. 

Inferno, here's something you posted just one month ago:

":)o I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO."


If you require even more of a wake-up call, re-read more of your own posts. There's a lot of good stuff there. Moving forward instead of backward, cutting through pipe dreams kinds of stuff. It might be helpful.

I'd ask if you're seeing a T but it sounds like a regular doctor would be better (to make sure the hooks she's using don't get in any farther, or cause too much damage). Good luck. This site will still be here when you need it.

I have lived through enough and been around here enough to know that this situation just reeks of disaster for you inferno.  REEKS.   The way she referred to your replacement was utterly disgusting.  She has referred you the same way to him.  Its all about her.  All the time 24/7.  

Its OK though... .if you go to the darkside we will all be here to support you when you come back!  :)

I am not vengeful... .but this could be the perfect opportunity to crush her for all the pain and anguish she has caused you... .and the good part is... .you would not be doing it to hurt her... you would be doing it to take care of and love you!

Oh, it wasn't quite that cute and dry.  Her 'cheating' in the beginning didn't go beyond kissing... .and if I kicked her out she would have taken my SD with her, whom I loved very much.

The behavior eventually crossed the line into a full blown affair with someone she worked with.  Utterly destroyed me.  Even though my heart still loved her, my head said "no fu*king way."

Okay, now I'm confused because he said she didn't cheat... .

She cheated on the replacement with Inferno (because Inferno is THE ONE!) She also said she loved and would be with the replacement forever (because Inferno is THE ONE!) The grass seems greener on the disordered side, when it's re-painted that color (until another storm comes and washes it away, which won't happen ever again because Inferno is THE ONE!) What he needs to face: Is she really the one for him? Is there trust? A real chance? Etc.

^^^inferno, these are the only answers you need^^^

ACTIONS NOT WORDS WITH YOUR BPD EX!

Its been a few months since ive been on this site mostly due to my no contact with my ex and trying to weather the storm in my solidarity. Anyways i saw this post because ive been having weak moments lately and figured some post reading would help. I just happened upon your thread Infern0...

Well i feel led to say your making a huge mistake if you take her back. As songbook presented look at your last post. Does this show a man who loves her as a person or just the fantasy he projected onto essentially a blank sleight.

I hope by now you realize at her core she is the disorder. The only other pieces of her that shine through the darkness are traits mannerisms thoughts and behaviors she has previously mimicked from past lovers friends and family. And if you take those away all you have left is a scared child that needs reparented not another relationship that shes isnt capable of. Thats not your job nor will it ever be due to the fact that your history has proved you are incapable like myself of such a role. Only a trained psychologist or possibly a very non sexual older male figure could even begin to take such a role in the rebuilding of essentially a whole new personality.

That being said if you do love any part of her then your not showing it by taking her back because love is not a selfish action. And in this case you taking her back would not be her best interest but yours essentially to fill a void or try to feed the addiction or inner whiteknight/savior mentality which ive learned is basically altruistic narcissim at its finest. Youre trying save yourself vicariously through fixing her broken. Sadly this thinking will never get you anything but more pain instead of the healing youre truly searching to find which can only come from within... unless im wrong and you are perhaps just a masochist?

I dont mean to be so harsh but the reality of all of this is that truly. She hasnt undergone years of dbt, cbt, or schema to change her core. Shes proven from that message with words such as IF i leave the replacement that she doesnt see any problem with her current thought process. Her actions scream this as well over these past few months because i do know of the shipwreck youve weathered these past months better than most.

Youve finally gotten on to dry land... are you really going to jump back into the water to save her just to drown again?

The choice is yours mate.

CG. 

What I picked up right away on was the one word she used most I.

I want this I want that, etc, etc. Be careful and remember your boundaries!

MWC... .*)

Wow, you've clearly done the work. Bookmarked

Not that he's aware of anyway. This feels like a slow motion train wreck.

When I say she's a cheat it's because she cheated on replacement with me.

My situation is different from what many people went through.

Did she cheat on me? No

Did she deprive me of sex during rs? No

Did she react negative to PDA?  No

Did she cut me off when we broke up?  No

Did she attack me with personal insults?  No

Has she ever said "I never loved you" etc?  No

Did she have anxiety and engulfment triggers when we got really,  really close?  Yes.

did she disregulate and act and say strange confusing stuff?  Yes

When those triggers kicked in and she became withdrawn and flakey I reacted in a traditional PUA style by withdrawing myself and acting like I didn't care,  we didn't talk for like 3 weeks and ended up breaking up,  I went to a party and had sex with one of my hot female friends while drunk,  she got with my replacement.  Stuff went down,  I still loved her but was hurt and didn't know what was wrong with her or why she had gone cold.

It was a mess and incredibly painful because I really loved her.  That was the cause of my pain.  I wasn't hardcore devalued and treated like crap like many are.

Now here i am,  still don't know what to do but I'm just saying don't project what happened to you onto me because each person is different.

I still need to decide what to do

Yes ^

Just take your time and think things through.  Whirlwinds are never good.

Could you just meet her someplace neutral and not at your house? To me that is sex and there you go... .I hope you ask her pointed questions and I wish you the best. Your relationship is not ours and we are all here to support your decision whatever it may be.  

If you decided to reconcile with her, I wonder if it would be helpful to take things slowly with her.  Baby steps.  One day at a time, slow and mindful. 

What you wrote here first looks to be possibly your biggest hurdle could possibly be The biggest question you have to answer for yourself!  Is her cheating okay and not really cheating because she only cheated with you? Does the fact that you benefited instead of got hurt by her cheating in this circumstance negate the behavior?  You are right that your situation may be different than most but cheating is cheating and that is the same even if your the beneficiary!

Please take your time to think, we got your back the best we all can no matter what!

Hey Infern0 --

That's a bomb of an email, alright.

All I have to add is this -- I've been there. I've received almost the same exact email -- a number of times -- really, even the phrasing and the words used are the same. Like you, my ex never cheated on me. Though she accused me continually of not being loyal enough to her -- totally unjustified. And, like you (I think), I was always the one to leave the r-ship, b/c I couldn't take any more of the roller-coaster emotional chaos.

I've had the cards and flowers left on my porch, I've had the ex show up at my door at 2 am. It's all happened to me, and I've given it all a shot.

Well, here I am. Good luck.

All of those minus the first one mine didnt do either. And technically i never caught nor has she admitted to the cheating. What youre really missing is that this isnt the point. The process is going to repeat because she isnt willing to admit her issues long enough to actually face them. Which is blatantly clear by her message as all you are to her is an OPTION. Remember her adding all of her exs on FB as soon as you werent answering to her. You think if you dont respond to the call one of her other orbiters wont? You really think youre the only one shes talking to? And then on top of it shes still with the new guy who shes obviously not happy with but hasnt broke up with him? And if she cheated with you what stops her from cheating on you? Is this lack of respect for your self worth not enough?

Then on top of it you not only defend her actions her actions but go as far to make yourself to blame for the behaviors. I get it man you love her and i love my ex too. Thats why when i got a similar message i did the hardest thing and the world and stayed NC. Im not showing her that love by getting back with her when she doesnt need a boyfriend but a therapist to help her truly release the pain within. For me its like looking into a mirror. I know its whats best for me too because as a diagnosed npd with BPD and aspd traits i realize while going through dbt therapy its the only way people like your ex my ex and myself can truly get past our traumas and learn to truly love.

And with her current state i can tell shes not ready for something even close to something real. I know with all of her heart deep down inside thats what she wants but she isnt capable of that currently caught in the undertow of her disorder. She needs to want to get help and stick to it without you telling her anyone else and if she wanted that she wouldnt be focused on filling the void with men. But unfortunately this is exactly why she said IF i leave the replacement showing she cant be single and proving this further. Shes stuck in her disordered thought process and only she can break this cycle.

I dont feel im projecting just stating the viewpoint of the situation from someone not only getting out of the fog but taking control his own disordered thoughts. Which i know i couldntve have done within the confines of a relationship as many other cluster bs ive talked to will agree. Im saying this because i know you care about her Infern0 and i dont want to see anymore pain on either side.

Ill end this saying i do truly wish you wisdom and discernment in the time it takes to make this critical decision.

Best of luck.

CG.

I know this is not what you want to here, but move on.  Ask all the guys on here who have gone through this scenario many times before you.  It never works out.  It takes more of a toll on you.  The recovery is longer.

Forget about all the relationship questions or how things were with you two.  The bigger question to ask is about you.

Why don't you think you deserve a healthy relationship... .where your gf doesn't have BPD... .she treats you right, there's no drama, etc?

You have the oportunity right now to really have NC and to take the time to work on yourself. 

Right now you are cheating your new future healthy gf out of quality time with you two if you decide to stay with the BPD gf.

I know its hard.  I know you really care about her.  But if you are honest what you'll really miss from the BPD gf is the idea of a healthy relationship... .a fantasy... .and the idea of being a rescuer.

All the Disney fairytales are just stories.  There is no reality in them.

You know what most healthy available women love in men?  Men who are strong, believe in their convictions, and do the right thing even when it's hard to do.

We don't know you, but we want you to be happy and healthy.  Trust all these guys with the same story as yours... .it's not unique... .be smart, walk away.

You didn't ask, but, like I said -- I've been there.

And you didn't ask but, if I were you -- I wouldn't show tomorrow. I'd lay low and blow her off. If there are more txts, I wouldn't respond at all. I'd maintain NC.

Or use the response I saw my ex posting around online during her smear campaign -- some childish meme that she used prop herself up, telling her little artificial support group (she went from 0 to over 200 "friends" on FB in about 3 weeks -- mostly people she's never met outside of FB) that I was pathetic, and would soon be back begging for forgiveness -- and, when I did, she'd respond:



But NC is better by far.

Hi Infern0,

I'd get a jolt if I got that on my phone or inbox.

Notice the black and white thinking?

There's no gray.

It's all good.

A r/s where you're idealized isn't a healthy one. I hope that helps.

I feel your pain brother. I am going through a break up with my exBPD and it has been tough. She has broken up with me many times and cheated once that I know of. Each time we were broken up she would threaten that if we didn't get back together, there were other men waiting for her. During one of the break ups she was dating other men but claimed that I was the one. I always went back to her hoping that it would be different. I just got deeper and deeper till I have just about lost all my sanity. When we would get back together, I was always afraid that if I didn't give her my full attention, she would find someone that would. Walking on egg shells all the time.  With this last break up, I tried to take time to sort things out and she found another man. She says she is happy with him but she still texts me. I want to save her and I agree with what everyone has been saying, that I am hoping that this next time, we can have a normal relationship. It is a dream and not worth it. Hard to stay away and to have NC. I'm struggling with it too but for me, feel that it is the right thing. No doubt you love her, I still love mine but we have to take care of ourselves first, as hard as that me be to do. In the long run , it will be worth it. Good luck to you.

"Maybe if I hit this crack pipe one more time, I'll finally be happy."

pretty much.

Inferno, since I spent so much time talking to you on skype, I feel close enough to ask you why you would do this to yourself again?

This girl almost made you loose your job.

She pushed you over the edge into a full nervous breakdown.

When we started talking months ago you were a complete nervios wreck in healing mode.

You know she also had her replacement hospitalized in a coma from trying to kill himself from her illness.

She has cheated with you on him and gone back and forth, sex with you and then sex with him, loving you, then loving him!

She has lost her job and is at the point where these relationships end with replacement, so now she wants you back to be the new replacement.

She is mentally ill and you completely know and understand that.

You have been talking to her and sleeping with her and comforting her here and there during your limited contact.

If you take her back, what are you thinking is going to come of it? She is sick! She will last with you for a little while and then find another. What will you do then? Are you planning on what will happen when you have your first fight and she runs back to her current fiancé?

I hope that you think about this really well and decide to speak on the phone instead of in person, which we really means meet again to have sex or a

You are a young, handsome smart man who could have any healthy woman, I just don't get why you would want somebody who can give you nothing but sex. You can find great sex somewhere else. Don't you eventually want a healthy relationship that maybe could lead to a commitment or family eventually?

What can she offer you? You have so much to offer the right girl!

What are you thinking my friend? Avoid the train wreck to come. I wish you had moved when you were suppose to months ago. Maybe then you would have been far enough away to heal and find a respectable lovely woman for yourself.

I only wish the best for you, she is not it!

I think you have been triangled for so many months now that you are back in the fog!

Please think this out well before doing anything rash!

Hugs to you my friend, you know how much I care about you and your well being. Please choose your actions for healthy reasons.

Rifka

Maybe it will be different this time.

Infern0, you sound very much like myself a year ago, with a strong sense of self. Borderlines often attach to people that have very strong opinions about how they should live. Eventually, by the end of the interaction, that carefully crafted entity will be destroyed. It's going to be the beginning of new journey on more authentic path. The gift of the relationship.


There is lot of sound advice in this topic, especially your very own from the previous posts. I would particularly like to highlight that thought from Chasing Ghost. Recycles are often just a stage in detachment from the fantasy that lives in our head.  

It's always different, just negatively so... .in a helical spiral towards oblivion.  

Oops. I was trying to be sarcastic .  But it all depends on what your willing to out up with.  I love my ex still do but she drove me nuts.  I think inferno you want to put the responsibility of your decisions in someone else's hands when it comes to your ex. I know I did and I know she did with me.  She pushed me away pushed me to do it and then I found myself out of control.  Just because you love her doesnt mean that is all that is necessary. Perhaps I could have a rs with this girl but it will always be unstable.  Your stability would have to be autonomous from your rs with her.  At the same time that

Would require emotional distance.

I would be triggered if my ex hit me up.  But I remember making decisions that would make it impossible because I remember my first rs with a pwBPD and the hell that was with the break up make up with replacements splashed here and there inbetween. 

I'm a hell of a lot stronger and more centered than I was a year ago when we met and begun our relationship.  I can say that with 100% honesty.  If we do get back together and she pulls any of that devaluing stuff again I will kick her ass to the curb and fast.

I still don't know what I'm going to do,  I have come so far in a short time,  honestly I don't need her and I can't be bothered with the crap but at the same time I do still love her and if she is legit and wants to try,  maybe I can give it another go, establishing rock solid boundaries from the start.

Also to those giving sarcastic,  smarmy one liners if you don't have anything productive to add then I suggest don't post in my thread,  I don't mind brutal honesty but this site isn't a place for rudeness.

I think the people doing that, Inferno, aren't doing it to be funny or to make fun of you. They just speak from a place of painful experience.

Hell, I come from a place of painful experience. We've broken up so many times (mostly by me, because I couldn't handle the rollercoaster anymore). Each time was more painful than the last one. One time, I was depressed at my parents home for two months, sleeping 14 hours a day, only getting out of bed to smoke sigarettes and staring in front of me. I was a mess. After a few months, I started to get better and that's when she got in contact again and asked if we could be together again. And I just that, even though I almost lost my job because of the depression. I thought she was the cure.

She did this many, many times. And I fell for it. I mistook her disorder for 'faith', for 'this is how its supposed to be', for 'she is the one', for 'love'. But it wasn't about that. It was about her getting her supply, and no matter how nice those replacements were in the beginning, no one was as good as giving supply as me. I was her lapdog, she could do with me as she pleased. She knew this and got back to me. Of course she never said it like that, but I know the truth.

Still, if I was in your situation (and I can't deny that a part of me would like to be), I would have an incredible hard time to find the right choice. Incredible hard. One the one had I have my mind, that knows that she and the relationship aren't good for me, they're slowly destroying my life (keep in mind, mine never cheated either). On the other hand, there's my heart, that is hopeless romantic, still in love with her, still thinking that she is THE ONE. Another chance to make it right? Don't mind if I do. Then again, I already know how things will end. Because we've tried it 10 times before. That is the definition of insanity: keep trying to do the same thing over and over, hoping for a better outcome.

We can't tell you what to do. We can just tell our own experiences (like I just did above), and hopefully they will help you in making the right choice. But really, I don't know what the right choice is. You probably don't either. No one does. In the end, only time will tell. But you do have to keep in mind what is the most healthy for you. I know I'm very depressed right now and I still have a long road ahead of me. Another recycle ending badly, I couldn't handle. It would truly mean the end of my life, as in: I'd literally kill myself. No question. I couldn't handle another break up with her, not after the hurt that this one brought upon me.

Here's a question: Is she in therapy?  That would be a deal breaker for me, I think.  There's really no hope of improvement in your r/s if she's not seeing a therapist.

As my T pointed out to me the last time I saw her, the thought processes of pwBPD are completely unpredictable.  Just when you think things are calm and you can predict what's coming... .BAM.  You can't. And that's because they can be triggered by things that you wouldn't even imagine are triggers.

Are you ready to deal with that?  Is she seeing a therapist?  If she is not, I wonder: why does the management/maintenance/health of the r/s lie solely upon you and your ability to "handle" yourself and her disorder?  Should the health of your r/s be something that you are both working on?

Yes... .CTF... .good post... .I came close to offing myself on the disposal and replacement by my ex.  I did not sleep for two months (people may think that is not possible... .I know if someone said this before I lived it I would not believe it possible.) I am an athletic outdoors guy... .I never smoked in my life... .I started at it with 2 pkgs. of Marlboro Reds a day... .my anxiety was THAT bad.  

Fast forward a few years out... .lots of support, therapy etc.   Now... .if I see her alone or with my double I just find the exit.   I treat it like a car that is trying to run me over. Note on my car windshield. Torn up and put out the garbage.  Its a mental conundrum for me... .I want and miss the thing that wants to hurt and abuse me.  I don't try to figure it out any more. I put my ego in a lunch box... .if my nemesis is spotted, I just head for the door. Its that simple... .and its called self-love.

The question is ... .how much pain do we have to endure until we want to take care of ourselves.  That's the only question for me.

(oh... I was able to slowly get more even... .sleeping normally, enjoying the smaller pleasures of life and I stopped smoking, too).

I feel your pain.It is so very tough to love and care for someone that has problems or issues.I spent a lifetime loving and caring for woman with ''issues''.This started in my childhood protecting my weak mother.

Detachment is very painful.IMO if you think you are strong enough and you are comfortable then get back in there.I would support you either way.

If you do decide to get back in there and give it another try I would suggest going to the ''staying board'' and get some tools to work on things.

I wish you well and I hope you keep us informed how things are going for you.

NYMIKE

My greatest fear for you is if you do say yes she will then decide to stay with him.  I think she wants to know you're there, and once confirmed she will be overwhelmed with what she now "must" do.  I would insist she get out first, start therapy, and go slow with you.  I would not attempt jumping back in.  She's "drowning" and looking for a life raft.  She's back to idealizing you and the relationship.

I've had my ex do this to me.  It's very painful to see them cling to the "replacement" once they know you want back in.

*mod*

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .