BPDFamily.com

So I sought out a psychologist who specializes in BPD thinking it was me. Have been seeing him regularly for awhile now. He called yesterday VERY upset. He is having a major health crisis and can no longer see patients. He could almost not speak he was so upset. I Feel so bad for him.

He told me that he was going to talk to me about ending therapy in the next few weeks anyway as he feels I am recovering at a normal healthy pace and know what I have to do. He does not feel that I am BPD and is please that I am self aware and working on my own negative patterns in my life. All this is very validating but I feel seriously rattled by the lack of someone to counsel with. He did refer me to a reference website to find someone new if I want. He told me reach out if I am scared but that he really thinks I am ok.

I know I should be ok but I don't always feel ok. I still miss my ex. Sometimes I cry I miss him so much. Then sometimes I rage at the rear view mirror at how he treated me with such distain and abuse. It so hard to let go and give up and all the stuff I know that I need to do. I have been down this grief road before. I left an abusive marriage a decade ago so I recognize the journey. I counselled then and my psychologist finally told me to go home and live a happy life. But the truth is I miss my  pwBPD. I really do. He is such a lovely person on so many levels. No one but the people here understand that.

So I guess I don't have a question. Just needed some ears to listen. As I sit here I am crying with the tears dropping on the keyboard. I wish I could tell him all of this. I wish he could hear it. But he will just twist it to the negative and play the victim. So I'll tell you instead.

Maybe I'll write the letter I wish I could send to him to you guys. Meanwhile its off to work. But if he is out there somewhere I hope on some level he knows he is loved. He is appreciated and loved.

We all hear you.   

Hey there hope,

I'm sorry. This whole experience pretty much sucks, doesn't it? *hug*


Honey, if you can find anyone on these boards who tells you they haven't felt almost exactly like how you're feeling, then they're in more denial than they know.

You feel this way because you should, because you've been hurt and you've lost something that you deeply cared about, with someone who you deeply loved.

As cloudten said in a different thread -- "it effin' sucks."

In fact, if you didn't feel this way, then I'd say maybe you should get checked out. Instead, look at you -- getting dropped by shrinks, boucing back from your losses, picking up the pieces, moving on with your life, freely distributing appropriate tears -- damn! You sound like a mentally healthy, well-adjusted human with a fully functioning cerebral cortex.

If it's any consolation, I cried a little bit with you when I read this --


-- because you captured there perfectly how I've felt so many times about my ex. She is a lovely, delightful, fascinating person, on so very many levels -- and that part of her is as real as the troubled, chaotic side of her. I know I'll never meet anyone else like her again -- but I will treasure the good that we had, for real, and shared, for real. I'll always miss her a little bit, the same way I always miss everyone I love or have loved. I appreciated and loved my ex with my whole heart. The tragedy, if there is one, is that this g-d illness prevented her from being able to really experience that directly. She couldn't internalize it.

But, as Tupac sings, "life goes on." Let it. Write your letter. billy's right -- we're here. We're listening. We'll read it. Take care.

This post is a bit triggering for me. I too have moments thinking that my ex was capable of being such a wonderful person and I feel so sad that she chooses to continue her chaotic life instead of doing something that would allow her to lead a much better life. I got a glimpse of her living hell and I know that she didn't choose her illness. The rational part of me says thank god she is out of my life but the heart still misses her and wishes she'd stop being in denial about her condition. In my weaker moments I can't help shaking the thought that she truly was the one but then I pinch myself and tell myself that she was as much a myth I created in my head as she was a great actress with many masks.

Hope,

Glad to see you are still here! You feel like the rest of us. Totally normal lol We are all here for you. Write away. If you want to just send it to me that is ok too. I appreciated your help!

You loved him and I am sure he felt it. They just don't know quite what to do with someone who really cares so they run away. Mine started by picking fights, then he stopped having sex, then he called off the engagement. We can't control them and how they handle our love.

Your not suppose to be in any certain place right now. Just because the psychologist said your "cured" does not mean you are not going to continue going through the stages of grief over and over again. There is no magic timeframe. It comes in waves... .    

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your support. I am a bit surprised at how much I am missing my psychologist. It really did help to go speak with someone who specialized in this disorder regularly. I did have a small epiphany today. People with BPD have attachment disorders. I do not. They attach in an unhealthy manner. I do not. They therefore detach in an unhealthy manner by dropping people immediately. I do not therefore it will take me some time to detach. I was truly attached to this person and it is going to take as long as it takes to detach. Sigh. Brain please hurry up and recover so I can laugh again. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired (and sad). I really do miss him.

I'm a year out from b/u and like you, wish I could be back to my happy, laughing self. I look back at the r/s and just feel so sad. We had so many great times together, did so much in such a short period of time, it felt so real and then "poof" it was gone. So yes, I still really miss her but I know that a normal, adult r/s was simply not possible with her. My T said "You know that a normal r/s with her was impossible don't you?" A mutual friend said that she went into a deep depression for 6 months after she ended it with me, yet, she was the one who ended it, go figure. The saddest part is that because of personal development work that I've been doing since the b/u my defences are up and I've come to realise that I may never fall "hopelessly in love" again like the idealisation stage. I'm seeing someone now and she is such a nice person, total opposite to me BPDex, but the fireworks aren't there which is sad but I know that the foundation is being laid for something much more long lasting and stable.

The pain of the b/u is the moist awful thing but it really is worth it if you start looking inside and taking care of YOU. It's almost as if the pain is for a very good reason, that we need to learn this lesson about ourselves and the pain doesn't stop until we have learnt the lessons. Wishing you all the best.

This post and all the responses really touched me, guess I'm struggling a bit at the moment too. Especially the bit about wishing you could tell him this but you know it will get twisted into some thing negative. So true and so gut wrenchingly sad. I think missing the ex will always be there - worse on days we are tied and worn out, not as strong on other days. Hugs

Hi Hope2727,

so typical of them, to twist all our love into the negative and play victim. the same happened to me too. so pls stay strong! Keep writing in this forum if you need someone to talk to. Take this as a challenge for yourself - to break free from counselling and be able to think and judge things for yourself independently.

For me, I used to have a really good psychologist whom I always turned to for advice. But one day after one of our session, he accidentally sent me a rather private and seductive text that was meant for his gf. (How embarrassing!) I suppose he must be drunk, because when I replied him to inform him that he has sent the text to the wrong person, he replied me with a rather cheeky apology. Only on the next day (when i suppose he's sober), he dropped me a formal text to apologize for the mistake the night before. Although I trust that he's not a pervert who is trying to prey on me, but it somehow make it very awkward for me to face him again. I was rather traumatized when it happened, and I was really sad that I've lost someone whom I can turn to for advice... .somehow, that makes me realize that I cannot always depends on others to validate myself. I need to learn to validate myself. Although it is not goign to be easy, but trust yourself that you can do it. when things are too overwhelming, i'll turn to this forum for help. By sharing my story, reading people's story, this is the perfect space where you can get validation by people who actually understands! so be strong. you'll be fine and we're all here to listen! 

Well I just had the most disturbing experience. I was going through some of my elderly mother's papers on a search for some documents and came across letters she wrote to my father in maybe 1984. If you changed the names and dates it could me a letter I wrote to my ex-fiance or even my ex husband. Creepy. It has so much of the language that we use to refer to BPD. She speaks of a trial separation, his lack of ability to respect her boundaries, his unwillingness to consider her opinions and needs. She speaks of him coming to visit and her dates that she would accept a visit and when he would have to leave. Then she refers to his unwillingness to respond wether he will visit us or not. She talks about his need to seek both physical and mental health care. She speaks about her and his psychiatrists. I could feel the pain and exhaustion in her words.

I remember those years. I remember his rages. I remember him coming from a psychiatrists appointment and screaming that everyone else was crazy and he was just fine. I remember him shaking a bottle of pills in front of my mom's eyes and then storming off to the bathroom to flush them down the toilet. I remember him lying to a family counsellor and acting like a victim of his selfish wife and children. I remember him leaving us to spend the summer with another woman and her child.I remember him re-writing history to make himself look the hero.  I remember him doing so many things that fit the profile of a mentally ill person so clearly in adult retrospect. Mostly I remember hating him.

I dearly love and respect my mom. She is amazing. Among the papers are goals she set for both long, medium and short term. Things like get an easier car to drive, build financial security, teach my little sister to feel her feelings, see me move forward in life. I wish she was well enough mentally to re-read those goals with me and realize how many of them she achieved. (Well maybe not the little sister she is a complete sociopath but some people can't be saved.) I wish my mom could understand how brave and amazing she was to leave my dad after 38 years and 5 kids with not much more than the shirt on her back. I wish she could understand how grateful I am that she taught me to love, forgive, and leave. I know I am not doing a great job of the latter two at the moment but I am a work in progress.

I think that FOO is so amazing to look back on sometimes. I have done lots of counselling about mine and it amazes me that I survived them. I think I would have abandonment issues but for the consistency of my mom in my life. Even now in her deteriorating dementia she is a rock of sorts for me. I miss her so much. I miss my best friend, my companion on adventures and my confident. I am so grateful for every thing she has taught me. I wish I could have been more successful and could have met a nice healthy man and raised a family as she very much wanted that for me. But she always said if wishes were horses beggars would ride.

So I sit here crying again. Realizing that I almost married a man so similar to my father that I am chilled to the bone thinking of it. My ex is so different from my father but underneath they have the same distain and disrespect. They share the  same re-writing of history and  lack of empathy. It makes me realize why I was never afraid during his rages. Rages were common place in my childhood so I just became neutral to them. Indifferent if you will. So sad.

Yet I admit fully I miss my ex still. I read my mom's words of how she doesn't want to give up on her marriage and how she loved my father and I understand. It is a horrible disease and a horrible path. I wish so dearly that my ex could heal and come home. I guess I am just a riding begger in the end.