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Title: How to say "No, Thank You?" Post by: FigureIt on February 05, 2015, 01:01:35 PM My uBPDbf and I had a large blow-up about 2weeks ago. In the end the overall outcome has led to some improvements and changes. Although I can't understand the constant negativity about everything. (That I am working on ignoring/avoiding.) So since the blow-up my uBPDbf has asked to do some more things together, but when I am not able (usually due to my d9's schedule conflicting), he becomes difficult. And the "poor me" attitude engulfs him.
My question... .There is a "possible" (not confirmed or even true) activity scheduled in a couple weeks. The mentioned event is a 7hr trip away and it is on a weekend when my d9 is home with me. I don't want to go to this event, because I don't want to spend an entire weekend away when my d9 is home (she goes to her dad's every other weekend.) How do I tell my uBPDbf that I don't want to go? I know that when I do it will be ALL DRAMA! Title: Re: How to say "No, Thank You?" Post by: BestVersionOfMe on February 05, 2015, 04:27:33 PM My uBPDbf and I had a large blow-up about 2weeks ago. In the end the overall outcome has led to some improvements and changes. Although I can't understand the constant negativity about everything. (That I am working on ignoring/avoiding.) So since the blow-up my uBPDbf has asked to do some more things together, but when I am not able (usually due to my d9's schedule conflicting), he becomes difficult. And the "poor me" attitude engulfs him. My question... .There is a "possible" (not confirmed or even true) activity scheduled in a couple weeks. The mentioned event is a 7hr trip away and it is on a weekend when my d9 is home with me. I don't want to go to this event, because I don't want to spend an entire weekend away when my d9 is home (she goes to her dad's every other weekend.) How do I tell my uBPDbf that I don't want to go? I know that when I do it will be ALL DRAMA! Part of the problem for us Nons is that we are still too damn available all the time. When you are available all the time, you are at risk of being assume to do something, in this case on this trip. It would help you a lot to make a lot of plans by hitting up all your friends so that you have other activities. Part of the goal of the BPD is to isolate you. They do that so that you are available all the time. I went out Tuesday night and I'm going out tonight, and then this entire weekend we'll be camping with kids. I'm simply not accessible like I used to be. If you get social again a lot of that goes away. Title: Re: How to say "No, Thank You?" Post by: EaglesJuju on February 05, 2015, 05:01:04 PM Hi FigureIt,
Using communication tools are really helpful when saying no or discussing something difficult with a pwBPD. I have had a lot of success using communication tools, such as SET when discussing my feelings or needs. Learning how to effectively communicate with my pwBPD has made potentially unpleasant situations more tolerable. Here is an link to look at. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0) Having the knowledge on how to improve communication with your pwBPD truly helps. Title: Re: How to say "No, Thank You?" Post by: Mutt on February 06, 2015, 12:04:35 PM Hi FigureIt,
I'm sorry to hear you're anticipating an unpleasant exchange with uBPDbf. The communication tools really help with a pwBPD. I co-parent with uBPDex and communication is easier because it's less triggering, conflicting and misinterpretations for both parties. |