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Seems like just about all holidays and especially special occasions (such as the non-BPD birthday) they seem like they purposely try to ruin the day?  My BPD wife is like this, during xmas time (we have a 6 year old daughter) she will make things difficult with things such as going to my family's place and just her lack of agreeing to being at a place at a certain time.

My bday is tomorrow and I already know she's going to make it a difficult day for me.  All I wanted was for us three to go to the movies tomorrow night, my daughter has been wanting to see that new movie.  Of course my wife decides to tell my daughter and me that if I am taking her, that she is not going.  My daughter who has major anxiety over her mother is now crying saying she doesn't want to go if mom doesn't go.  I told my daughter she earned this because she has been doing so well.  Seeing the pain in our daughter's eyes, my wife reacts without emotion. 

The past few birthdays have been ruined.  Last year, she came out with me to a bar (she met me, though it was almost midnight) so I spent most of the night by myself.  I put music in the jukebox and she flipped out when she didn't like what I played and left by herself. 

Is it me or is it common for BPDs to act really bad when there is a special day that is not about them?

Y.E.S.  I was just explaining this very point a few days ago.  It was a sh1t storm if it was a common holiday (xmas, thanksgiving, easter, memorial day, etc) or someone else's special day (birthday, graduation, 1st time moving into the college dorm, etc.)  .  Her birthday... .NEVER.  Valentines Day... .that was 50/50 if I "performed" up to expectations.  Wedding anniversary... .see Valentines Day.

But she didn't need a special occasion to act bad... .I could have set a watch to it... .every three weeks for nearly 20 years.  Unless I told her something funny that happened at work... .and then it was a sh1t storm over how it was obviously inappropriate.

Glad to know I am not the only one.  I just found this site a couple of months ago, I had no idea what BPD was.  Been married to her for 10 years.  A year ago we went to a psychologist and she told me my wife needed years of therapy, but didn't tell me what she thought was wrong with her.  BPD fits her to a tee, so I can now see why the psychologist told me what she did.

Thing is, when I was friends with her and dating, she didn't exhibit these signs, it wasn't until we were engaged and she moved in.  I first thought it was just her nerves (she pushed for a fast wedding) and since then it's just been very hard.

I also seem to get a lot of 'blanket' statements.  Such as Tuesday night, she went into a rage and was telling me how 'awful' I am and how I should just kill myself.  I asked her to give me a specific example of why she thinks I am so bad... Her reaction was to say 'You suck'.  She couldn't give any.  By no means am I perfect but I don't deserve to be labeled like this, especially in front of our daughter.

The more I read about BPD the more I realize that she's not going to get better and I am not going to get the relationship that I was promised by her when we married...

It's difficult for people who haven't been through this to understand.  We understand here.  Mine acted a bit funny at times before we got engaged, but it really wasn't until we got engaged that the mask came off.  And then when we moved in together she kept herself together for maybe about 6 weeks before things really got crazy.

Regarding the holidays: Yes, I think the holidays do seem to trigger drama for them.  We were only together for 2.5 years but I had begun to see the pattern.  For example, Valentine's Day last year was ruined for no reason.  I had kinda begun to expect some drama on holidays, like it was normal. 

Normalcy for us lasted four months.  The intermittent crazy started when we moved in together.  And then it shot to the moon once we married.  Not gradually but the VERY NEXT Day! 

From what I have read and what I have been told by my T, it is part of the pattern... .they moderate it to the best they can until they know that you are "theirs"

Yep almost always.  Life is zero sum gain so if you are happy or it is your day that means she loses.  She can't lose.  Her fragile self esteem won't handle that well.

Ditto.  Watch for blanket modifiers... .ALL women, No woman, ALL men, No man, All healthy relationships, and on and on and on... .I don't think mine ever said "some" in her lifetime.  

I once attended a biz dinner with 8 men and 1 woman.  Later that night when I got home, it was "No woman should go to dinner with 8 men" and "all good husbands would not go to that dinner because the woman was there" and "all wives would have a problem with that"... .

Sounds right to me.  Part of it seems like they intentionally keep their behavior under wraps until they have you.  I guess in some ways BPD is often just an extreme version of Non behavior.  When a Non gets married he might not always "put his best foot forward" as much.  A pwBPD takes this to another level and starts belittling you intermittently.  

But part of it also seems to be that the intensity of the relationship picks up and this drives the pwBPD bonkers.  I mean, the fears of abandonment seemed to intensify when I moved in with her (which in a normal world doesn't make any sense -- the fears of abandonment should have subsided).

YES YES YES.

Mine even went so far this year to say "Can we please have one holiday without drama?"

I said "YES!" and then thought "PLEASE! Because you are the one that CREATES the drama so you have something to rage about!"

I doesn't even have to be a holiday- it can be any important event going on... I have 3 coming up. A bar mitzvah for my boss' son this saturday, his mother's birthday next week, and my sister's wedding next month. If there is any drama at these 2 events coming up- i will absolutely be done with him before my sister's wedding. I will absolutely not tolerate any drama at her wedding. period.

I do have to say, the first holiday or 2, my codependent self thought that i was the one that created the drama. nope! him! every darn time.

Special events became dicey for me as well.  In fact, I wouldn't 100% confirm my attendance to anything.  I mean, it got to the point with close friends where I would have to say something like, "There is a 90% chance I will make it depending on if [ex] is acting up, and it's possible that I will go but she won't."  How embarrassing, but this is what it became.  I really, really wish I had swept us both off in a cab as we were approaching my buddy's birthday party near the end of our relationship -- she threatened to make a scene, and she certainly, certainly did.  It was perhaps the most embarrassing and traumatic sequence of events in my life and it pretty much ruined any chance of our relationship being on track.  Lesson learned is that if your pwBPD is dysregulating as you're approaching an important event, get the pwBPD out of there and leave yourself if you need to, no matter how important the event.

It seemed like my pwBPD got a high off of acting up as we were approaching an event that she knew was important to me.  Like she knew this was the point at which she could exert a lot of power.

OH MY GOSH YES! I think all of my friends believe I have become such a flake because I never commit to anything 100% anymore, especially if he is involved.  I even told my exhusband yesterday that I don't know if I want to take BPDbf to the bar mitzvah and that it would be an extremely last minute decision.

I am so sorry about what your ex did! Huh- interesting- that she could exert a lot of power. Eeek... .that makes me so scared for Saturday!

Well my birthday is today and last night she ruined it.  She has been really verbally abusive for the past few months and last night she just snapped at me for no reason.  I asked her ':)o you even love me?' and she said 'No'.  That the times she told me she loved me was to 'shut me up'.  Our daughter was upset and was clutching onto my wife's scarf.  My wife was even physically trying to pull it out of her hands with force.  My wife continued her barrage of verbal attacks on me and went upstairs.  It was 10:30 at night and my daughter asked if we could sleep somewhere else.

I would but it was too late and she had school, I told my wife that we are sleeping downstairs and if you come down to start anything I am calling the police and we are leaving.  She didn't come down.  Ironically it was my birthday that I proposed.  To hear that from her hurts very badly.  I asked her to give me examples on why you hate me so much.  She just continued blanket statements and she just got more upset.  I think it's because she doesn't even know herself.  All she said was that she can't stand to even look at me.

I told her that I am taking my daughter to the movies tonight at 6:30, I've told her many times the past couple of weeks.  Her reply last night was 'So what are you going to do if I take her somewhere else instead?'  All I told her was that she would have no choice but to move out.

After she went upstairs to bed, my daughter, bless her heart told me that she is confused.  I told her I am as well.  That it's not your fault or mine and that mom is going through a rough time right now.

Has your BPD spouse ever told you they don't love you?  I remember last year when we were seeing the psychologist she told her that she didn't know if she loved me.  When we were leaving she saw I was quiet and really down.  She then said that I am too sensitive and that the reason she said it was because she was mad.

Absolutely yes. Vocation, my birthday party, my new-year party, everything ruined... .

Silveron - Happy (belated?) birthday. It is a special day, even if you BPD can't acknowledge that.

I have to say, my heart is just breaking, not just for you, but very specifically for your daughter. The craziness that your wife is acting out is totally heart breaking and utterly confusing for her, and I worry what kind of damage this madness will cause her, in the long run. I know that is hard to read, but it is written with the best of intentions. 

You both deserve so much more.

My BPD and I split up some 6 months ago. I too have a young child. Thankfully it did not get to the stage where she outright witnessed his outrageous behaviour since we were not living together, but she felt my anxiety, and that fact still makes me sad.

If there is any way out, please consider it, for your child as much for yourself.

C14x

Ok we are literally on the way to the bar mitzvah party now, and he says to me that I am going to marry my boss (who is getting a divorce). It is my boss' son's bar mitzvah. I have zero desire what so ever to pursue my boss. My boss is equally crazy and older than my father. So... .I said "should we just go back home?" Apparently it was a "joke"... .he'he's trying to start something. Grr.

So... .that was effing awful. Most awful night of my life. In front of my coworkers. I'm shaking. Awful awful awful... .on both our parts. Words can't even express

Hi Silveron,

a late happy birthday! Yes, mine also told me he has no feelings, he does not love me, he only used me for sex, he tried to manipulate me... .horrible. I believe when he felt bad, he could really not look at me. He said to me that why it is so hard to get rid of you?

When I recalled those words, I cried. The sad thing is, when I cried, he only gave me more verbal abuse, without understanding my feeling or comfort me. I asked myself, even a normal friend deserves this?

They have their own problem to deal with. We are sad because we are normal. I can only try not to think about the bad moments, otherwise I would cry a sea:)

Wow its such a great feeling to know Im not alone. Happy birthday! ! Mine is coming up too waiting to see how this one will go... .

Meh my ex BPD is a misery, any event to him i.e Christmas, Easter is just another day to him he never wanted to do anything and if we had family events hed want to get home early to get drunk on his own and lock himself away from the world

Maybe him not celebrating events is not a BPD thing and his just that sort of person but i just thought what a misery. On nights out he just buggers off to talk to other people mostly woman chats them up to make them laugh so it gives him that ego boost, doesn't socialise with the group his come out with.

What happened?

I almost don't even know where to start!

Well, I work for a very notable family in philanthropy. This party was a bar mitzvah for one of my boss' son's. Technically someday this kid will be my boss... .along with a host of other family members. This bar mitzvah was over-the-top. Probably 3 times the cost of a wedding. Everything about it was amazing.

My boss was gracious enough to extend and invitation to me and a guest. I chose my BPD because he has complained that i don't include him in my life and in important events... .and this is exactly why. because he is a loose cannon.  I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to redeem himself.

So in the car on the way to the bar mitzvah night party- my BPD accuses me of sleeping with my boss to get my job (which is truly the opportunity of a lifetime) and accusing me of breaking up my boss' marriage and having an affair with him. ALL OF WHICH IS COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED AN BOGUS.  I have no interest in my boss. He is my boss. He is crazy too... .just as crazy as my BPD. He has a beautiful family. He is stupid for leaving his wife frankly. But he is still my superior. I have never and will never prostitute myself for a job, career, or simply to stiff my boss. period. it's sick and demented.

So- to start off the evening in the car, he accuses me of this. I said "that is completely untrue. I am not and will never be interested in my boss. If this is the way it is going to be we should just turn around and go home." I should have done just that.

He said no no, let's go. So we went. It was amazing just as I knew it would be.

We were some of the first people there even though we were late. I introduced myself to someone I had seen earlier at the synagogue. I introduced my BPD as my boyfriend. My BPD immediately stepped back after the introduction, like 5 feet away, and wasn't having any part of our conversation. I saw he was uncomfortable. I graciously ended my conversation and proceeded to recommend to my BPD that we get drinks. He agreed. So we each got a drink from the bar. I could see he was anxious... .which I fully understood. I was hoping a little beer would help him relax a little. But he just continued to get colder and colder. I did the best I could to include him in conversations and introduce him to people. But I cannot be responsible for his happiness. I tried. There was one point in time I needed to just move away. I told him I was going to get another drink. In typical fashion, I got caught talking to a family member at the bar. I was gone 10-15 minutes. When I came back- he was like a different person. Completely stone cold. I asked him what was wrong. what was he upset about... .that made him madder. So I sat there with him in silence for about a half hour. finally I said I was going to the bathroom. When I got back he was still the same. It was no longer fun.

So I had some conversations with colleagues. I tried to pull him into the conversation. He kept standing behind me, out of my line of sight, about 5 feet away. I would move, he would move. I just kept thinking What the heck. What is the matter with him? My 5 year old would have been better behaved than my BPD. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated. OH- there was a photo booth. I was standing there having a conversation with some people... .and I thought he was there with me or standing right behind me which he liked doing. A couple minutes went by and I realized he wasn't there anymore. He popped back a minute later and said "Hey i went and got my picture taken by myself"... .and was waving a picture of him by himself standing in front of a disney princess backdrop. I said "you did that alone- I would have gone with you if you knew you were going".  I had no idea there even was a photo booth. But isn't the decent thing to say to your girlfriend- "HEY, Lets go get our picture taken in the photo booth... .come on"... .i felt like $hit and i still feel that way.

We had discussed before hand that I wanted to dance. He and I never really dance at functions. So finally I walked over to him, asked him what he was doing. He said "just watching". whatever. I was frustrated and I said "well I am going to go dance"... .at that point my feet had had enough in my heels. I kicked them off and went out on the dance floor. About 2 minutes later, he was on the dance floor handing me my ticket for my coat check and the car- and said he was taking a taxi home. For a second my heart sank... .but then I had a rush of relief. I decided I didn't care. I wanted to have fun and celebrate. So, I danced for another song. Then I felt bad- but not really- I wanted him to have fun and he just wouldn't. I tried to include him, but there came a point where I gave up. So I went and got my coat, got the car. He was still standing there waiting for his taxi. My car pulled up and i hopped in. I didn't invite him to get in, but he did. we then yelled at each other all the way home. He kept accusing me of sleeping with my boss and breaking up their marriage... .which was just completely unfounded! Maybe he was projecting and that is something that he would do, but that is not who I am. I got so pissed off at one point I pulled over on a very busy interstate and told him to get out. he refused. I literally sat there and yelled at him to get out for 5 minutes. He wouldn't budge. At that point i didn't care where I was leaving him... .i just wanted him gone. Unfortunately he had his cat (yes- he has a cat he can't live without)... .at my house. so i just got us home as fast as possible. We walked into my flat, he picked up his cat and THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM! The cat meowed. He told me to keep the cat. I picked up the cat whom I love, and she was shaking. I felt horrible. I told him to leave and never come back. He proceeded to sit down and not talk for a half hour. Then he packed his stuff, cat included, and left.

I'll admit that in the car, I was a raging maniac. I was so pissed off. But in that half hour we sat there in silence, I texted my co-worker. Told her I got home okay... .and I asked her if I was unreasonable... .if anything i did warranted his anger. If I ignored him and was a B*tch, she would have told me. She said no, I did nothing wrong- and it was completely him... .that he was cold and standoffish.

So- I was mortified. This isn't just my job. Its my career. Its an affluent family. I take my position very seriously. I do not want to jeopardize my career in any way for some crazy a$$hole.

So- that was my night. I was accused of stiffing my boss, repeatedly. All I kept thinking is that it was so demented and delusional. If I WAS stiffing my boss, he wouldn't have invited me to the bar mitzvah, he wouldn't have invited me to bring a guest, and I sure enough would not have brought a guest. But I am not unethical- so I can't even dream up this stuff.

The whole thing was just bizarre.

Yes.

Don't beat yourself up too much for your role in the fighting.  He provoked you and you went to a place of anger, I get it.  At the same time, don't forget who you are dealing with.  He is paranoid of abandonment.  To him it was likely a real thought that you were having sex with your boss.  Feelings = reality and truth.  Imagine if someone was cheating on you?  You'd be a wreck.  This doesn't excuse his behavior, but I was hoping you'd keep a perspective on his reality in order to help you not take too much personally.  He sounds like a mess at the moment.  You dancing on the dance floor was more fear on his part.  He is scared that you'll cheat on him or leave him.  I don't mean the kind of fear you have when you watch a scary movie, I'm talking mind-blowing, terrifying, panic attack type of fear that consumes his entire mind and body.  No matter where you are taking this thing, validating his feelings needs to be the core of how you communicate with him for the time being to diffuse everything that is going on.  You kicking him out was probably akin to having you reach through his chest and ripping his heart out, throwing it on the ground, and then lighting it on fire.  I don't say this to take his side, just as a perspective thing so that you know where he is coming from and how "triggered" he must be. 

Wow- that's really a different take on it. I never thought that me kicking him out of the car would be like me ripping his heart out. But I get it. I think I am too far gone. I am vindictive now. I want him to hurt as much as he has hurt me... .emotionally of course. I want him to feel the pain he has caused me. It is killing me to admit it, but it's true. I wish I would have kicked him out of the car. well, it's over between he and i... .for good. That much I know. we had a huge falling out tonight where psycho me came out again. I can't live like this anymore. I am not myself. I don't want to be who I am right now... .angry

I read all the posts here... .same story for me. My DBPDW has been acting out at all the occasions mentioned above. But not at the occasion. No, that would be too public. She does her acting out for two days prior and a day or so after. This is when I get to hear about all of my sins and the sins of others.

She has another tactic that keeps her behaviour private. She will isolate her target in private and then have her say (and way). Those of us in her close circle compare notes and know what she is spreading. We all feel sorry for her but we do not let her control us.

After 35 years of this stuff, we know it's gonna happen. Not that we ignore her or her behaviour, but we do not cave in to her demands or her behaviour. We know the triggers and try not to provoke. We can see it coming, and prepare accordingly.

We stopped trying to "make things better" for her. That simply doesn't work. She will find something.

Life with a Borderline is difficult and not for the faint of heart. I stopped hoping it would get better a long time ago... .and at that point, I felt free of her domineering control. I still get frustrated and angry with her (her illness that is) and l wish it would go away.

Ken Druck says that life is not fair... .it's more than fair... .

Took a while for me to accept that one. I hope you are able to detach from your SO's bad behaviour. In most cases, it just ain't your fault.

Yeah, I haven't celebrated my birthday, Christmas, new year since I've been married to my uBPDh 6 years.

Acting out on special occasions? Yes, that's why we only celebrated one special occasion, and it went south very quickly. It was our little wedding ceremony at our house. He blew a fuse to the point the guests got so scared they left the house!

You can say that the mask came off right after our wedding. I saw a few red flags but didn't realize what I was getting myself into.

I believe I have PTSD because of that, and also a lot of resentment.

I'm perfectly ok with being angry.  You are entitled to your own feelings.  Vengeance is an entirely different thing, that is reacting in a bad way to your feelings of anger.  I'm opposed to that.  You can't change him.  You can't save him.  You can't change him by trying to make him hurt more either.  You can only change you and if that means getting out then take action on that. 

This is what I'm learning.  Most of mine come in the form of an angry, manipulative, blaming text.  I just simply don't answer them anymore.  I mean why?  What do I get out of it?  Now I read them, identify the BPD thinking in all of it, have compassion for what she must be going through, then read affirmations and gratitude, and go about my day. 

Hi Silveron, I am sorry but yes this is unfortunately typical. I endured it for every holiday and special celebration for 25 yrs. 

Not just special occasions but anything positive has been ruined for me.  5 years ago I was approaching my 40th birthday and wanted a nice celebration.  I even dropped hints for maybe a party with lots of friends and family.  Instead, I had to plan my own dinner out.  3 weeks later it was his 40th birthday and I planned and prepared a huge BBQ for him at our house.  He dysregulated to the point of storming out of the house and I was left to entertain his guests with a big old smile on my face. 

After losing 130 lbs, I ran my first 10 K race last spring.  He chose that very night to go into a huge rage, keeping me up all night and I still had to go to work the next day.

About 5 years ago, I asserted my right to do things for me, and started an annual trip to Vegas for myself.  Until this past trip, I was always faced with some kind of dysregulation immediately before I left or as soon as I got home.  Drove me crazy.

And of course, Christmas has always been rough, but he uses the excuse that his Mom passed away right before Christmas so that's why.  I do understand that one on some level.

Hello friends,

So, what shall we take away from this discussion? For me, there are two common threads here.

one: we all still want a normal relationship and validation from our S.O. This is the only explaination for our own frustration, dissapointment, and resentment. We have yet to accept their condition and respond with healthy detachment and boundaries.

We have all decided to stay for one reason or another. For me, radical acceptance has only to do with my free choice to stay in the relationship. I only get upset when there is something "I" want and don't get it. (ex. I want respect, what I get is disrespect... .what shall I do with the dissapointment?)

two: our S.O. has only one focus... .themselves! You can see it in the fog of all these posts. Whenever the focus of the day or event is not on the BPDSO... .then this MUST BE rectified... .at any cost. Even in the dysregulation and all the attention you pay to them... .they get what they want... .

Can you see it?

Take care of yourself. You are the only one wiith the power to do just that!

Spot on, but it is hard to tell everyone, including yourself, to simply "get over it" with someone they love and care for.  I love my wife.  Sometimes I wonder why, but the truth is that I do.  I think at some point you set up a time schedule to change yourself, which you'll need to do anyways if you move on, and then if the relationship becomes somewhat reasonable then perhaps you give it a shot.  For me, I don't believe mine is as outrageous as other's on this forum, but then again, maybe the worst is yet to come.  The recent perspective of my wife is absolutely insane.  Nothing from her mouth is coherent about our relationship and at the moment I'm in a huge devalue phase.  I'm working on me, living in the house, spending time with the kids and being a rock for them while my wife sleeps downstairs in the guest bedroom.  I feel stronger every day and my strength has to do with choices.  I have a choice to be with her or not.  I have a choice to react to her abuse or ignore.  Choices make me feel good.  I'm worrying about today only, tomorrow will come and I'll worry about that day tomorrow.

This is very true.  The only way to not be further hurt is to expect nothing on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations.  Really any celebration or event that would signify celebrating with unity and joy.  It was very hurtful for me to have every Christmas ruined. My ex would either refuse to participate in Christmas by being " tired" and and staying in bed while our children and I enjoy the glee of Christmas morning.  Or, he would "be there" but be absent.  Would often make comments about " how much this all cost" as we were opening gifts followed by refusing to open his own well thought our and lovingly chosen gifts.  After he did eventually open his gifts he would say he didnt need any of the  items and to return them all.  After my children and I made such loving effort in happily choosing them as well as wrapping them. 

My children would often be panicked as Christmas approached bc they would go to their father asking for the same courtesy in assisting them to shop for their moms gifts.  He would tell them that real gifts should be something they should acquire and pay for themselves.  They were children at the time with no transportation or funds.  I told my children for decades that I dont need any gifts as such. 

My spouse would always have a lovely pile of gifts he resented. My children would have their gifts all chosen, shopped for, and wrapped by me.  And I would have next to nothing with a spouse earning six figures who knew how very much I loved not only all occasions to celebrate others but most especially Christmas.

He ruined every celebration. Even his own.  As a mother teaching my children about family unity and love this was very damaging to try to explain. Even his bday, we would make our tradition favorite family meals and bake his favorite cake, gifts, table set.  He'd say he wasn't hungry. 

On my 40th bday he never acknowledged the day. I was used to this by now.  My kids felt so bad.  Later in the evening far after dinner I went into the kitchen for something.  There was a bday cake w a candle burning left on the table.  While everyone was asleep including him.

Every vacation was ruined by dysregulation  the night before departure which often included expensive flights whereby he would start a conflict as I walked on eggshells trying to ignore for the sake of my children.  Then he would announce he wasn't going in the vacation often emptying the earnestly packed luggage ( by me) on the floor. Air flight in six hours w our large family of young children.  I would have to swallow my pride and beg his " forgiveness" if whatever it was that " upset him."

When he did join in on vacations he complained about cost of everything despite the fact we could afford it.  I began to refer to him as the food cop.  We'd wake up in a hotel w our many children and dress for breakfast.  He would say he wasn't hungry and act perplexed that we were. Same for lunch. Didnt matter that we had children.  You see if he wasn't hungry no one should be. I would  pack an entire suitcase of snacks and travelable food.  Mind you we would be at a five star resort.  Not allowed to enjoy.

In latter years I just stopped vacations all together. What was the sense.

I adopted the attitude that any celebration would not include him and I expected nothing.  I provided all of the joy for that celebration while making excuses to my children saying Dad was tired.  I provided my genuine joy which was real despite so the children indeed were honored. 

One year ago I got out of that marriage and I apologize in advance bc I dearly advocate family to the fullest.  But I can attest that living not only like that but excusing it was very damaging.  Yes, I did have many, many caring conversations w my spouse about this issue and empathized a great deal for him on much.

Take care of you readers and know there is little you can do ( from someone who did everything under the sun for decades) to influence change. 

Thank you CVM! Your decades of struggle breaks my heart... .but your wisdom and experience help so many people here! I think God works all things for the greater good. Thanks for sharing. I am sure your children are appreciative of your effort. :)

I am going to join this thread by simply saying YES.

Unfortunately.

I'm glad that so many have replied to my post.  I remember a couple years back she didn't acknowledge my birthday except for leaving a blank card in a blank envelope.  It was one of those cards that you buy in a pack of 10 or 20.  All it had was some generic picture on the front of the card.  She said 'Your card is on the chair'.  When I opened it, I told her it was completely blank.  Her reply 'Oh, guess I forgot to sign it'.

My bday was last Friday, took my daughter to the movies of course my wife didn't want to go.  Daughter & I had a good time.  When I got back I saw a card, kinda got excited thinking it was from her.  Opened it up and it was her co-worker who bought & gave me one.  I texted her saying 'That was very sweet from you, thank you... B (My wife) didn't get me one'.  Her reply was ':)idn't 'B' sign it?  The card was from both of us'.  Nope, she didn't.  She wouldn't go out with me or do anything special for my bday. 

Valentines is coming up and she was putting up decorations and going through old cards.  She had an old love letter I wrote, she pulled it out and our daughter asked what it was.  My wife didn't even open it (the letter was 10 years old) and said 'I should burn it'.  I'm just dumbstruck on how evil she can think and behave.  My daughter (who's 6) took it and asked me to read it to her.  I told her when she could understand bigger words that I will.  I knew if I were to read it in front of my wife that she would just go into a rage.

I just feel the bond breaking apart.  What makes me the most angry about all of this is that our daughter has to experience all of this and my wife doesn't seem to care.  I just wish there was something to make them look at the bigger picture and to realize how much hurt they are inflicting on others.

Oh my gosh I hurt for you and your daughter. Take it and keep it so that some day your daughter can have it and know how much you love/d your wife. 

One of my justifications for divorcing a non, and now leaving this BPD, is that I want my daughter to witness true, loving relationships. I want her to have a good example of how to treat people and how to be treated by other people. I wanted to give my daughter a safe haven away from messed up people who don't know how to love with their whole hearts.

Something that hurts so much is that there are plenty of good people out there that would love to give you a signed birthday card.

I can't wait to appreciate and be appreciated for the little things in my next healthy relationship. I will admit those are things i took for granted in my marriage to the non. But i will never take advantage of those little things again.

Yes. I sincerely agree, but they are wired differently. BPD takes years to develop and then there are seemingly permanent physical and psychological changes after many more years of dysfunctional coping behaviours that it becomes so ingrained.

Although it does seem impossible, I don't want you to lose hope... .

... .well, not until all hope is lost.

I didn't know you had to decorate for Valentines Day?. I had never heard of this before. Doesn't sound like a harmful thing but in the context of BPD I do wonder... .

If you truly want to share the love letter with your daughter when she is older, which is not a bad idea at all... .it will teach her something about love and how much love you have/had for her Mother... .which I feel is pretty important to your child, no matter what happens.

To make sure you are able to do as you intend, make a copy of the letter and store it outside the home.

Also i would advise you to validate your chilld's feelings whenever and wherever you can. I believe this can help to prevent her going on to develop BPD herself.  :'(

It definitely helps seeing how many people replied to this post. my birthday is saturday which  means two holidays in one... . 

I've had many events I had high hopes for get dragged down by my partner's actions.  Latest though is very recent.

My SO's birthday was last night.  I had originally wanted to do something big for her, it's her 40th.  Instead, I recently paid to repair her car.  We live together, she's trying to get a realtor career off the ground, and while I think she's doing a good job, it's slow going.  She's working at a model home as the onsite realtor in a subdivision under construction, has a bunch of contracts done, but doesn't get paid until the houses are done and the sales close.  Which will be in May or June, so for now, she's broke.  Her car broke down about a week ago, and it ended up needing an alternator replacement.  She can't work without the car, and had no money to fix it.  So I paid to fix it.  There went my party budget.

Anyway, I had stopped and bought some salmon, salad fixings, stuff mushroom fixings, and chocolate cup cakes.  Being short on cash, I left work early to go home, have the kids get the house super neat and comfy for her to come home to, and I was going to make a real nice dinner and lead a thing where we all make a big deal of her 40th for her.  Some other friends and her brother were supposed to stop by too.

Well, she gets home early.  She wants to go out.  Her brother is flaking out and looks like won't be there.  The other friends are in the process of moving to a new house and close tomorrow, and have turned their move into a cluster of epic proportions, so they won't be there.  I don't have the cash to go out.

So she ends up crying in her bed.  And she flat out admits, she's disappointed and wants to see people make a big deal about her for her 40th and feels like nobody is.  Says she knows I don't have the cash for what she wants, but nothing is still what she wants, so she's gonna sit in her bed and cry all night.  

Now, the other friends live right across the street.  I've been helping them get a lot of stuff done for their move.  In fact, if it weren't for me, there's no way they'd be ready.  And I love these people, I'm glad to help.  More to that story, but it's a tangent so I'll not tell that part.  What is pertinent is the husband of the couple feels bad about not being able to participate in SO's birthday, and as a b-day present and a thank you to me for helping him so much recently (and also mustering our legion of kids to help), he breaks out a gift card he got a while back and flips it to me.  I was over telling him we were actually staying home and to come over sometime for a drink and to hang out, and ended up explaining what was going on.  He gave me that card to take her and the family out.  So, after many thank you's, I go back home to rouse everyone up to go out.

It takes me an hour to talk SO into getting up.  She had fallen into this deep depression.  While she's getting ready, I go get her brother.  Who is drunk when I pick him up.  He ended up being a happy drunk all night though, but SO still isn't happy with him - rather than be ready for her birthday he's gotten blitzed and flaked on her.

Anyway, we finally get out, go have dinner, and it was at a really good italian place that gives free birthday dinners.  So she's happy, I get the staff to come sing to her, etc.

We get home, she opens a few presents, and it being a school night (and me - not to mention her too - having to work the next day), it's time to wind it down.  She then falls right back into the depressive state.  It's her big birthday and she wants to party but can't because you know, we're grown ups and have responsibilities.  

I'm so sick of doing the best with what I have and not having it be good enough when she knows full well the reason my resources are stretched is because I'm covering for what she's not taking care of.  

You don't control her, you only control how you react to situations.  You built something up in your mind, mostly meant to meet her approval, and it didn't work out.  That isn't on you, so don't make it.  You did the best you could, and that is all this is about.  I want a lot of things that I don't get.  Let her feel how she wants to feel about it next time. 

This. Absolutely.

Almost a year together, then suddenly, married, pregnant, our own little place, all in a matter of weeks. Once things were unpacked and we settled in he changed immediately. I was utterly dumbfounded by the difference.

I made excuses, tried to help, went out of my way giving, giving, giving, nothing but neglect from him and it snowballed from there. I thought he was tired, depressed, something had to be the reason. Of course there was a reason, BPD. I just didn't know it.

Months pass and I find he was seeking out other relationships. I wasted years of my life trying to understand, help him, be sympathetic. So much time I wasted, nearly two decades. So much of myself I lost. If only I knew, if any of us knew, before.

*sigh*



But yes, special occasions... .

He picks fights, and is just downright nasty to everyone around. That below the belt and sarcastic blended humor that's a kind of sly bullying, which he always denies it and says it's a joke, when he is called out on it. Often he would go off and start affairs at those times, too. The biggest drama he ran off with someone half his age 2 years ago during Christmas. I can't even be bothered to celebrate holidays anymore.

And as far as for the kids, or for me, it was nothing good from him, no kindness, no affection, not even holiday or birthday gifts from him. The most I received was last year, for my 40th birthday. He gave me a pack of Reese's peanut butter cups and wished me a happy birthday.

I'm not a material person (and I am one of those organic bohemian artsy weirdos who doesn't eat that kind of candy, either) but to not even just make a few minutes of time for me, it was such a slap in the face, especially considering all the things I have done for him. Nothing but total inconsideration and self absorption.

Now I am content not to bother doing anything special for him and it doesn't bother me one bit.

His most common tactic is to pick fights and tear me apart the night before big events, so I don't go. I've missed so many weddings, big concerts, festivals, and shows. Over time it had a major effect on my already existing mild social anxiety. Now I don't even bother trying to go anywhere.

I cannot wait to be free from him entirely.

I don't believe in demons but he certainly makes me wonder.

My partner does this - I think  I concluded that she sees these occasions as opportunities for maximum attention to her needs as I am more likely to bend over backwards to keep the peace or placate her.  I know that once or twice I have just decided that actually I do not care that it is my birthday and it seems to be better.  It is pretty mean though to think that she cannot stand it for me to be thinking more about ME than HER. 

Hi all,

I only post in the BPD parent section, as the person though undiagnosed I'm dealing with is my mother.  However, I often float over here and read some of your stories.  I think on a level it helps me understand what my father went through.  Most of the times it breaks my heart. 

I would just like to say that now at 30, when I think back to every holiday or special occasion, I remember my mom completely ruining it.  As a child I remember being UTTERLY confused at how she would become completely unhinged when she was about to have a party at the house.  We had a nice home with a pool and my parents would entertain.  My mom would plan something and then totally freak out at the fact that she had to "do everything" and had "no help."  Yet then would repeat the same thing over and over again.  If you're THAT overwhelmed don't have the party.  No one made you do it, you chose this. 

My worst holiday memory is one Christmas.  My sister and I were very young and my mom got very mad at my father for something.  Of course, I don't remember, because it was likely insignificant.  In the middle of Christmas she literally freaked out marched upstairs and started taking a SHOWER.  Mean while my father sat bewhildered with her his two kids trying to laugh it off.  I remember he decided that we could continue opening gifts.  That sent her into an ALL OUT RAGE.  We were leaving on a plane later on that day and she spent the entire trip not speaking to us.  We didn't know this wasn't "normal" and our father did a good job of making it the best christmas he could but what mother behaves this way.   I also remember my dad confronting her about her behavior and her saying something along the lines of "christmas going to fast" and she wanted to slow it down by a shower.  She's truly so bizarre. 

I also recall my father giving her a gift she didn't want and her going in to a RAGE about it.  Screaming that it was too expensive, not what she wanted, and he didn't even know her.  To this day i cannot stand holidays.  I find no joy in them at all.  I literally am baffled at the people who decorate or get all excited about them.  It must be nice to have happy feelings surround these times. 

Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm not writing about a spouse, but I truly understand your pain. 

Okay- so I sort of had a revelation/theory about this Holiday Issue over the weekend.

I watched a documentary video on youtube about BPD. One girl who is a diagnosed blogger was describing how she would mirror whomever she was with. At work, it was work people. With a family member, she mirrored them. She described that when she was alone, she didn't know who she was because there was no one to mirror. She said she didn't know who she was because she would simply mirror the people she was with, and no two mirrors were the same or "her". She said she would probably be confused if she were to be in a room full of all of these people she mirrors because she wouldn't know which one to mirror... .and because they each make her a different person.

:light: :light: :light:

So- I wonder if when there are large events, holidays, parties, gatherings, etc., if some pwBPD have a painfully anxious time trying to figure out who they themselves are and who they should mirror (if anyone).  I could see this as being a huge ball of anxiety if one doesn't know who they are. I can't imagine trying to figure out which personality of me I am supposed to be.

On one hand, having some sort of freak out that is anxiety driven makes sense- it gets them out of the situation where they don't know who they are supposed to be... .thereby easing their anxiety- even though it destroys everyone else's joy (again selfish). 

All I know, is the night i took my bf to a bar mitzvah where he didn't know anyone except for me was the most miserable night of my life... .along with every holiday ever. It's a good thing he and I do not have an actual anniversary... .because I am sure it would be awful. 

Anyway- just one thought on the subject!

Spruce,

  In regards to Christmas, my daughter was only 10 months old, our first Christmas, I was SO exicted.  My little girl was full of smiles in seeing the presents.  Then, my BPD wife went into a complete rage because I bought her a small tambourine and for some odd reason that set her off.  Screaming and making fun of me to the point my little girl was crying.  I had to get her dressed and quickly take her over to my parents because my wife wouldn't calm down.

  Just insane reasons to get upset over.  My daughter is 7 now and the bad treatment by my wife hasn't stopped.  Seriously looking to get out of the marriage.  If I knew I wouldn't end up being a part-time dad (get full custody) then I would do it today.

  BPD is just pure abuse in every form of the word.

How did I miss the this thread? OH YES.

1. Since our son was born, my ex never attended any of his birthdays. NOT ONE.  

2. Valentine's day, HER OWN birthday, July 4th, our son's birthday, my birthday, new years eve.

3. Other special "occasions" like when my work requires me to suddenly attend a conference during the day, etc

4. My parents' birthdays. NEVER attended because for instance, she had to finish watching a Redbox DVD at work.

2 out of the 4 years when we were married, she smashed things right before my birthday for different reasons, valentine's day, gifts or not gifts, drama for sure.

The thing I don't understand is her own birthday, she even has issues on her own birthday.  One year, I had a reservation at a high end restaurant that I was going to surprise her with when I get home, but when I finally did get home, she already took my son out with her. When I asked her where she was and I had plans, she said it was not needed. She was just fine by herself.

So sick of the holidays and what not.  This year will mark my first year to be able to have a calm holiday for once.

ps: Another weird fact. If it's anything related to her family, I had to go.  Her mom's birthday, her dad's birthday, her brother and sister's birthdays, even her niece and nephew's catholic communion and etc,  I didn't want to sink down to her level, so I always went and remained courteous, but she just couldn't do the same back TO ME, let along anything has to do with my family.