BPDFamily.com

Its been quite a painful day today. I've had these messages from a couple of mutual friends now in an off the cuff, btw, kind of way that my wife doesn't accept that we are actually over and posts that we will be back together or songs that echo the refrain of "please dont leave me". Its the worse kind of thing to hear, I know her well enough by now, I've seen her inconsolable and then 10 minutes later laughing at the TV. It upsets me in so many ways.

Although her friends may take her seriously and buy into her playing the "oh my partner left me and I want to be back in the relationship" stuff, it would have been so remarkably easy for her to save this marriage, showing any amount of care and attention would have done it. She doesn't reach out to me, she doesn't try to work with her diagnosis, she doesn't take the medication, she doesn't make any attempt to save our marriage which apparently is so important to her, to save the family we were planning on having that meant the world to her, except these one off social posts or remarks to friends, no doubt over a drink.

Its so painful to hear. I don't believe she loves me or ever did and she plays the poor deserted wife and it tugs at me, it upsets me and confuses me. If you truly feel that way why not do anything about it. I will never understand this. I would have moved heaven and earth and often did to try and please her, she never did a thing to please me, comfort me or take herself out of her way.

I have to be the strong one and stay away from her, I know she would take me back into the same crap relationship under the same crap conditions and it hasnt been hard to stay NC, but hearing this has hurt me and Im not really sure why. Ramble over.

Does admitting this (but doing nothing about it) also fit the borderline criteria?

There's an answer to my worries in another thread from today I suppose, "Actions not words with your BPDex".

It would have been simple for her to be with me, well I suppose its not true, if you can never admit to any failing, it actually must be impossible... .I shall answer myself.   to me

Trog - Once again, my storyline is paralleling yours pretty closely.

Mine decided to change the dynamic and paint herself as the one being left in our marriage.  While still acknowledging that she'll follow through with the divorce (if I insist), she now claims that she never wanted one and it's all my fault for falling out of love with her.  I dealt with this for about 40 minutes trying to maintain my composure, but it started to tug at the heart strings by the end.  There's no chance of me ever returning to that living hell, but I still felt bad for her.  Looking at it from an un-enmeshed perspective, just made me sad for her.

Hopefully this is just a phase in both our cases and will be behind us soon enough.  Stay strong.

Trog maybe it's time to set some boundaries with your friends. I had to do that a couple of times. Friends passing on information is just not necessary and as you say, it's upsetting to you. This is part of NC. Once we have detached enough emotionally these things won't bother us anymore but until that happens it may be good to ask that these people not share information about your ex with you. I'm sorry it was a hard day for you.  

Enmeshment is the word here. I can't believe how knowing she says this (notice I don't say feels it as if she felt so surely she would try and repair our marriage rather than play the deserted wife card on social media), has brought up so much self doubt in my mind. I've been whurring it over and over, maybe I shouldn't expect a sick person to save our marriage, maybe it should be down to me, why would I save a sick marriage, if she cared truly she'd offer more than words... .Them I'm back to the beginning.

My real problem is that I have a hole in my being a chasm wide and no clue how to heal it. She healed it (and ripped it open again only wider) many times, and now I'm feeling the hole again I feel like I need her again, that being with her would soothe my soul. My head knows I'd be back to the boards within a year. But I crave to close the gap,... .By whatever means necessary.

Hi Trog,

I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to echo Suzn. I'd get triggered when a friend or family member passed along info on uBPDex. They likely weren't aware of the incredible pain I was in.

I like your analogy; it's like re-opening old wounds.

I set a boundary and it helped speed-up my recovery.

"I'm sorry, I'd appreciate it if you didn't pass info on ex for now. Thanks"

Family and friends respected my wishes with no qualms. Hang in there.


----Mutt

Yes, I agree and I did the person in question not to alert me to anything happening or the feelings of my exBPDw.

I think we all know how this feels, Trog - it's an awful pain. But the truth is that only YOU can heal that hole - and it sounds like, so far, you have not done the work on yourself that you need to do. You are caught up in a cycle of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

No human being, healthy or unhealthy, should "fill the hole" for you - that's an impossible, dysfunctional expectation.

It is likely that, once you heal whatever wounds you have, you will no longer be drawn into the cycle of insanity.  It's even more likely that you will attract healthier women.  "The only way out is through" - through the pain to heal the pain - not self medicate with an unhealthy individual.

Are you seeing a T?

I can relate to your feelings, Trog. For me, it resulted in a recycle, and being back on the boards after 3,5 months roller coaster ride. The whole expereince makes you more empathic with  pwBPD as they essentially do same, soothing their needs at whatever cost. We both used each other as a band-aid to fill the void that's going back to childhood.

Hey Guys

Yes, this morning I went to get a T. I live in a foreign country so there are not loads of English speaking therapists here but there are some and I sent off some mails this morning.

You're both right. I don't want to recycle and I know (but havent done anything about) the fact that its me who has to do the healing.

I'm at that point. I read the books. I understand the problem. But have I done any work on sorting it out. Truth is, no. So here begins the work.

What's funny, this week I had my normal chats to god/karma/universe and was saying "OK, come on, I've been alone long enough, I know the problems, Ive read, done the work (though... .i haven't, ive only identified the problem), universe, give me what I need... .it gave me this. A jolt. A slap. You haven't done the work trog and so heres so some more pain for you to get your behind to a therapist. So... i asked for help and in the way I wasn't expecting I got it! The wake up call I needed to understand I'm still horribly codependent, im just horribly codependent AND totally alone now!

Life's so funny! Thumbs up and smile @ the universe. He's got my number!

That's an AWESOME step and an amazing realization - good for you!   |iiii


That's a really, really important part of the process, I think.  It seems that, for everyone, understanding our SO - and their disorder - is the first step in unraveling and processing the chaos we've been living in. But there comes a point that continuing to focus solely on your SO is counterproductive - we have to look at ourselves as well.  There were two people in the r/s - even if one happened to be more dysfunctional than the other.


Hard but good realizations!  It's amazing that we can receive what we open ourselves up to hearing.

Good advice here, everyone -- thanks. It's great to reinforce the importance of finding a way to stop examining our partners and start working on ourselves.

Trog --


Great attitude! You're on your way.

Just another take on this situation. Maybe she doesnt think its over. One thing ive noticed with my exs and what other people hear have said is that there is still an attachment to their exs. My ex wife once told her mum that all she had to do was click her fingers and I would come running back. She was gobsmacked when her mum told her that theres no way on earth that I would. My exgf hinted at this with her exs. Its as if they feel they can jump in and out of peoples lives as they like. This is backed up by recycles. How many posts here deal with recycles? All of them have been the pwBPD deciding if they wanted it by either agreeing to or instigating it. The backlash for those that refuse recycle is quite fierce at times.

Ha! More than likely. She was attached to all her exes, it was for a long time when we got together all she ever spoke about but not one of her exes will remain her life (   much?)

She'll be in for a nasty surprise if she ever acts on her words as I wont go back to that life, neither will the other exes who are NC. She'll have to either find another codepedent or rely on her enabling, coda sister for her emotional needs. But anyway, I think the point of this thread for me has been to realise that my healing is nothing to do with her and I need to focus on myself from now on with a therapist. Im looking forward to being active in my recovery.

Hi Trog.  Wow, your story is very close to mine!  I was married for 8 years, living increasingly as you have described.  I left the marriage last September, having taken most of the summer to talk with her that this was the only option left for me, hoping she might take that chance to improve her part of the relationship.  It did not improve.

I think there is something quite special about people who find their way to these forums.  Each of us has found a problem with a loved one, has tried desperately to improve things, but have found the problem is essentially beyond our control.  We are subjected to emotional abuse (at the least), and for various reasons tolerate it.

I think this speaks to the question - are we the ones causing the problem?  Should we have just tried harder, or for longer?

The pwBPD generally denies that a problem exists, it's the other person that 'makes them feel bad'.  And yet, for the most part, they don't have solutions, and they don't articulate their issues until they reach emotional meltdown.  On the other hand, here we are, sharing stories, trying to learn from each other, trying to improve our own thinking and boundaries.  I think it's unlikely that you or I were the root of our problems.

So I've found, as I've spent more time apart and enforce strong NC, I feel increasingly better about myself.  Every day is a good day!  I have friends who remind me of my qualities, and respect my boundaries.

My wife has also expressed a continuing lack of awareness the r/s is over.  She will write 'I feel like our marriage is near the edge'.  Best to ignore it.  Whether she's playing dumb, or really believes it, or is trying to guilt me, it doesn't matter.

You've done an amazing thing by leaving a person like that - be strong and look forward to your own future, where you will meet some wonderful new people.

|iiii

Agree.

I was just thinking this today. It is amazing how many of us are here, how similar we are and how incredibly strong as people we all actually are. Self examining, open, caring and all willing to help one another by sharing stories and encouraging one another. I think probably we are quite special people, but unfortunately that "special" nature has been taken advantage of, we're people with a lot of love and a lot to give and unfortunately have given it to the wrong person. Imagine how incredible it would be to find a person deserving and reciprocal?

What an amazing relationship that will be. I intend it be my next one and hope it is so for each of us.