BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this site and so thankful that I have found it!

My mom is an undiagnosed borderline personality with narcissistic tendencies.  (I have learned this through research and my therapist- which I started to attend after college to help me have a healthy relationship with my parents and deal with my anxiety disorder.)  My mom is highly manipulative and always the victim. 

This is my current issue with my parents.  I have not seen or spoken to my parents since Jan. 11, 2014.  I am my mom's target for all things negative, and my dad believes her lies. (Or it is easier for him to live with her when she is targeting me instead of him.)  Unfortunately, so do my aunts and uncles and two of my three brothers.  The problem is, she feels comfortable telling lies about me (to make herself look like a victim) to all of my family members.  I don't feel like talking about issues that are between my mom and I are appropriate topics for discussion with everyone else in the family due to several reasons- like people taking sides, isolation family members,  feelings getting hurt, etc.  I have expressed this to her and she does not respect that boundary.  Because of this, she has gotten what she has wanted- me to be isolated from my once very close family.  (I do still talk to cousins and my brothers.)  I am close to my husband's family and thankful that at least his step-mom is a rational person! (1 out of 3 mother figures likes who I am as a person.) 

Here is the reason why I have started to need some advice.  My husband and I are expecting the first grandchild for both sides of the family.  I am 3 months pregnant and we haven't told anyone in our family.  (We all live in the same town... .so this has not been easy.)  I want to tell my husband's family, but know that the news will get back to my family. 

I am not currently willing to go through the drama that I know will come, "It is MY grandchild.  My daughter is such a b___ that she won't let me be a part of MY grandchild's pregnancy, etc."  (These are all of the things that she said about me planning my own wedding two and a half years ago.  I got so tired of it, I gave up and gave her control.  She loved HER wedding.)  And I am not willing to let her back into my life.  We parted on very ugly terms because I refused to continue the cycle of abuse that she thrives on.

I know that it is not realistic that she will not find out.  It is also unrealistic that she will not start a "b___" campaign against me.  I need advice about how to tell her.  How to explain, very clearly, that I need boundaries and that she needs to respect them.  That I want to go through this without her interference and that I want her to keep her psycho babble away from me.

Does anyone have any advice?

My therapist says that I am in a good but vulnerable position.  I have a clear and rational though process, but that I am vulnerable because I am pregnant.  I told her that I have come to the point where I have realized a few things that have made me feel stronger:

I will never be the daughter that my mom and dad wanted.  I will not be their scape goat and I won't be victimized or bullied.  I have played the role of a villain to them for so long, it doesn't phase me because I know better. This is OK because they will never be the parents that I needed.  And I know the truth.  I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I stand for. 

 

Through the research that I have done, I know that the best thing for me is to get distance from her.  I would love to move to another state but my husband does not think that is our best option at this time.  I respect his opinion, but I know that by staying in this area I am putting myself and my unborn child in the direct path of my mother.  And unfortunately, I know how ugly that can be. 

Any advice is welcome.

Thank you for listening,

Irish

Hi Irish

Thanks for your introduction and welcome to our online community

Having a mother with suspected BPD can be very difficult to handle. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and can relate to your experiences like your mother 'playing the victim'. You say that your mom targets you for all things negative. That can be very though to deal with. What might help is to keep telling yourself that there's something wrong with her and that the things she says and does, most likely aren't a reflection of who you truly are. They are probably only a reflection of your mother's own inner turmoil and negativity. I have found that repeating this to myself helps me not let my BPD family-members get to me so much and also helps me remain calmer.

Whether you would decide to move or not, when it comes to dealing with a BPD parent, boundaries are very important. You have been no contact with your mother for quite some time now. Do you feel like setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother is something you're comfortable with doing? It might be interesting for you to read some material we have on this site about boundaries:

Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

Examples of boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0)

Warning Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122547.0)

Congratulations!  First of all, I hope this situation is not taking all the joy out of this period for you.  If your stress over this takes over your pregnancy, then your mother wins.

In my opinion, a child is not a reason to get back into contact if you are happy without it.  I feel hypocritical saying that, because one of the main reasons that I am trying to maintain one with my uBPDmom is my son.  But he was already 5 and very attached to her when the lifetime of frustration finally blew up- in front of him.  Because of this, my husband now doesn't want her in our house and would rather my son not have any contact with her at all.  My son is incredibly attached to my father, and he can't see my father if I don't maintain a relationship with my mother.  He keeps begging me to go to my parents' house, which thankfully is 6 hours away, so it's not that easy.  So, I am trying to navigate the situation to try and keep everyone happy.  I worry that she will say or do something to my son that will upset him- he is very sensitive- and if that happens, my husband will definitely want the entire thing stopped.  I guess my point is this, if you are happy without engaging her, and believe she would be abusive and controlling and eventually upset your child, then it seems to me it would be better for the child to never develop an attachment in the first place.  Kids will love their grandparents unconditionally, and don't have the emotional intelligence to know that anything is wrong.  I know it's hard to stop worrying what she and the rest of your family think about you, believe me.  But once that baby gets here, you will feel so protective, it will make it easier.  My mother attacking me in front of my son is what finally gave me the courage to stand up to her.  Good luck.  I hope your pregnancy is healthy and fun, and that you find a way to make it all work for you and your family.