BPDFamily.com

I've filed one, as she is preventing me from staying in my home. I've also documented her penchant for physical abuse.

It's all in motion now. What should I expect from her when she is served? I expect some serious dysregulation of one sort or another.

How do I manage the fall-out with the children?

Expect the dysregulation.  Although sometimes, I think they paint you black for good and everything goes totally quiet.  No matter what you hear from her, just ignore.  Will the DV filing have orders governing contact with her?  As in orders preventing contact?  If she violates it, document it and report it immediately.


I'm sure they're already aware something is way out of line as you're not there.  They've likely also seen her abuse you before.  In an age appropriate fashion, it's okay to tell them that you don't have to take being treated like that and there are remedies for when things get too bad.  Beyond that, I'd tell them for the moment the issues are between you and their mom, and aren't about them.

Will the DV filing have something in it to govern what to do with the kids?  Orders that they can't be removed from the court's jurisdiction?  They are to remain residing at the marital residence?  That way if she grabs the kids and runs, you have legal recourse?

I've observed this as a truism, a trait we all have to some extent but with someone disordered it is to an extreme:

The stbEx will aggressively make allegations in an attempt to paint you as worse then him or her.

And once the case has been elevated to the legal arena, either with police, children's services or court, it is very likely you're permanently painted black and the relationship has passed the Point of No Return.

Moselle,

Do you live in a state that permits one-party recording? If so, it might be wise to carry a recorder with you at all times, as a safety precaution. If you have filed a DV claim, she may file a counter claim stating the same.

I can't imagine what she will claim as grounds,  but I'm sure her imagination will not be as limited as mine. lol

I think I'm having my moment of acceptance. I'm getting divorced and there's nothing going to stop it. I'm now considering the merit's of filing a wrongful eviction notice.

It actually doesn't make any sense.

It'll only cause additional stress on the children.  They are with me today and actually seem quite well. I don't want to put them back into a domestic situation which causes undue stress and strain on them.

It seems to me my BPD/NPD, eatingD, obsessiveD, GAD wife is doing me the favour of a lifetime. She has so much s#$t wrong with her, that it would take 2 or 3 lifetimes of therapy to fix. She's had 4 years of therapy and she's worse off than when she started. If that is possible

I still have some years to rebuild my life.

Financially, now is a great time to be divvying up the assets. They've been squandered and spent and lost during the last 5 years of turmoil.

I'm realising it's folly to try and stop someone self destructing. She will do what she will do. Rather be at arm's length and protect the children. 

This was going to be served on her on monday morning.

I'm realising that she is provoking me on purpose. She wants me to file this stuff, so a real fight can happen. An expensive one and one which is aimed at destabilising me.

I'm on the verge of signing some fantastic deals in my business capacity. It's not worth it.

I've decided not to serve these papers, mediate and negotiate as fair a divorce as I can.

She is talking mediation but it is only a ploy aimed at making her look like the reasonable one.

She is neither reasonable nor fair. She is not my friend and she is certainly a liar, bully, narcissist and self centred.  How I married this woman only heaven knows.

I would not engage in any fighting and have a recorder with me at all times. If she calls the police and claims you hit her the police will lock you up. If you have a recording they probably will not.

If you go into divorce gunning for a fight, you will lose. She will lose. Your kids will lose.

There is no winning and no justice in family court.

Be assertive. Take an assertive approach. Read this (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.0).

Because the nature of the family law court process seems to reward combative thinking and behavior, it often results in the reasonable person who attempts to use cooperative and problem solving skills to risk losing their case. If the target of the high conflict person takes a passive approach, then the high conflict person’s allegations appear to be unchallenged and therefore true. On the other hand, if the target responds too aggressively, then they may give the appearance of being the abusive, controlling person that the high conflict person has accused them of being. In the end, taking an assertive approach to a high conflict case is the most effective way to respond to false allegations.

Be assertive by:

• Immediately documenting the other party’s abusive behaviors, focusing on actual behaviors and statements.

• Avoiding acting out of frustration and anger and thinking strategically, not reactively.

• Being honest and admitting their own shortcomings.

• Gathering evidence regarding the high conflict person’s false statements, pattern of abuse and the truth about themselves.

• Quickly providing credible factual information to the court.

• Trying to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process. The client does not want to give the high conflict person something to legitimately use against you.

• Preparing for the lies. The client may have the truth on their side but they need to be prepared for the lies.

• Exposing false statements and serious misbehaviors of the high conflict person with credible evidence. Take depositions of the high conflict person and their negative advocates.

• Not being emotional during the court process. Emotions in family court can be seen as a sign of a psychological problem.

• Making a BIFF (brief, informative, friendly and firm) written response to communications from the high conflict person.

• Being willing to proceed to court to set limits and consequences to the high conflict person’s behavior.

If you mediate, look for a mediator who seems to have some skill dealing with narcissists. You need someone who can validate that your wife's feelings have been heard without agreeing her demands are reasonable.

you may get disregulation, you may not. anticipating disregulation may make you more stressed than you already are. when i served, i got nothing, not a peep. a week after (iiirc) she answered, accepting service. that was it. but she was already quite well settled into her new thing.

there are all kinds of angles here, but please keep you own interests in view. i would suggest not using mediation, unless you have a spine of steel (and you may, i dunno).

 

I'm a bit confused... .what papers did you decide not to file?