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I feel like I'm stalling out a bit in my recovery process.  Perhaps I'm rushing things a bit, I had made significant strides early on by educating myself.  I read everything I could get my hands on and found the answers I needed.  I found comfort in learning about this disorder and how it explained everything that little guy in the back of my head was trying to alert me to for the passed 6 years.  I'm also seeing a T, who has tuned me into my FOO issues.  Her help with this has been great, I can't recommend seeing a T enough to anyone that goes through a Cluster B breakup.

But recently, I've found myself feeling very lonely.  I'm 3.5 months out of 6 year r/s, NC for almost 3 months.  I'm trying desperately to not shelve my feelings, as that's typically what I've done in the past.  I've ignored my own needs to deal with the needs of others, namely my ex and her family.  But I've found that now that she's not around, I have no choice but to listen to my own feelings since I can't simply just focus on hers.  And I don't know what the heck I'm doing.  I've found myself getting angry at myself for thinking about her over the past couple of days.  I will not be getting back with her, I do not ever want go through anything like that again.  That's why I'm posting this on the PI board rather than the leaving or staying boards.  These are my feelings that I've got to figure out how to deal with, I'm certainly not going to act on them.   

What's more frustrating is that I don't think about the real her when my mind wanders off to wherever it goes when I think about her.  I only think about the person that I fell in love with.  I don't think about the person that abused me, or the person that ran up her credit card debt over and over, or the person that told me numerous times that "she didn't love me anymore," or the person that has a who's who of sexual partners in which she never really seemed to let go of, or the person that acted out constantly and put me in no win situations, or the person who was incapable of ever loving and caring for me the way I did her, or the person that immediately moved on to an ex after leaving me, or the person that lied about her past and her changed her stories often, I could go on.   

I think part of this could stem from my rescuing/fixing tendencies.  I know I much of my feelings of self worth stem from needing to be needed.  I'm a fixer.  I don't just try to fix and help those in my personal relationships, but I make a living fixing and solving issues for my company.  Since my ex left, I've found myself upgrading the house.  I've replaced the awnings over my windows.  I've rearranged the furniture and I've upgraded some of the wiring to the TV and entertainment set up.  I've cleaned the kitchen and thrown out the rest of all the crap she left behind.  I've did a makeover on the back yard, in the cold, wet dead of winter.  I've helped friends move.  I helped another friend build an outdoor fire pit.  I feel like I'm running out of gas.   

So here's the crux of what I seem to be struggling with.  I know all of this.  I know my ex wife is BPD.  I know her mother is.  I know what I went through was hell and I don't ever want to go back there.  I know what my own issues are.  I know my rescuing tendencies are rooted in growing up with an alcoholic NPD.    I get it.  But I can't seem to get back in gear.  And who knows, maybe you are supposed to have days like these and I should just chalk it up to that.  But I didn't want to just scoff off my feelings again.  I know I need to listen to my feelings, I just don't know really know what they are saying to me.  Or what to do about them.  I'm kind of at this place where I'm looking around and saying to myself. "OK great, now what?"  I seem to have made not only a career out of fixing things but also life of fixing people.  But the funny part is that I have no clue how to fix or help myself. 

Thanks for listening.   

I have similar thoughts myself.  It's certainly created a void that she's not here.  And I'm not ready to jump back into a serious relationship right away with someone else.

Regarding, "I only think about the person that I fell in love with": The sad reality is that we fell in love with a person that didn't really exist.  Now we know the true her.  It is someone with a severe mental illness of the worst kind (BPD), someone who is not a catch whatsoever.  A dud.

"Now what?"  I don't know either.  I am reconnecting with friends, trying to engage in more hobbies, going on some dates here and there.  Fortunately, I don't feel like I am in in rush to figure out the answer to "now what?".  Perhaps the answer will come a year or two from now. 

 

Almost 6 months out and the b/u, emptiness and loneliness made me depressed where I had to seek help. I still feel like I have been used and not loved in any way, shape, or form by her. It's how they roll, I understand that, but it doesnt take away the hurt that was shoved down my throat. It is getting better, slowly but surely, but its a day to day process with no magic button to press and make it all go away. While she barely waited a week to get a replacement, Im struggling to even get up in the morning and play make believe. Im waiting to get over that plateau as well, and it isnt easy, thats for sure. We just have to hang on to hope of a better life ahead of us.

Your doing the right things... .but 3 months out is still pretty close in to the r/s. I am now about 30 months out, and things are better, but at times feel like its a plateau. In my case we recycled about 7-8 times and most of the illusion of the r/s ever working was shattered by the reality of how terrible/abusive it was.

I kept all the emails/texts from my exBPDgf... and when I start thinking of her fondly... reread the emails... they are caustic/nasty... and tend to help snap me back to reality. Most of the connection with the BPD person is ego driven, they puff you up and play to your dreams and you find yourself ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Mindfulness helps stay in the present... but radically accepting that they are disordered and you either take that and live with it or go your own way... is about the only options.

Hadn't heard from my exBPDgf for many months... got a nutty email about "Its all about the shame"... which I didn't read, but it was written at 4:30am that day... got up and had 7 sheriffs cars surrounding my house. I freaked... wondering what she did/said... no other thought entered my mind. I went outside, got in my car and left... and they seemed to ignore me. Came back later, they were gone. Finally heard a store had been robbed at gunpoint and the people fled on foot toward my block... had nothing to do with her or me.  But I no longer want a r/s where cops coming for you instantly reminds you how special they are.

billypilgrim, I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. But 3.5 mths out is not very long! I think you need to cut yourself some slack.  I was a wreck still at 3.5 mths!  I understand what you mean about ruminating on the good stuff and not being able to replace your thoughts with the abuse you went through. Sometimes we just need to sit with the sadness of the loss. Because no matter the abuse, you loved her and you need to grieve that part! There's no time table for grief, that's for sure!  Hang in there, you will move beyond this stage! It gets easier! (I'm 8 mths out now!) 

The r/s is intense... because of how it went... .they idealized you, love bombed you, and got past your defenses. You put them on a pedestal... and thought they were special... but normal love isn't like that... unconditional love, the primary bond, parent-child kind is. You don't think of them that way, but you react that way... otherwise when they blame you for stuff you would stand up for yourself, and you wouldn't take abuse... but you react like a kid to a parents scolding. That isn't the worse part... when its over... it feels like the death of a parent, and the pain is all out of proportion to any breakup. Makes no sense... because you didn't know that was what was going on. You get over it... slowly ... like people rebound when a parent passes.

Hey Billy

Seems like we're at a similar point, I'm longer out but only been NC about 2 months and it seems you don't really begin to heal in any way until you do that. One book that I'm reading right now, which is helping me is the Human Magnet Syndrome and in it the author talks about the stages of recovery of codependency. I stalled heavily this week, infact, I stalled and went into reverse upon hearing something I didn't need to hear, today I took some positive steps to try and move past it.

I also forget and remember only the dream of the relationship, what I had superimposed onto her pretty face that had absolutely nothing to do with her, someone else mentions re-reading the mails. I have mails, even videos of her cruel and callous and often psychotic behaviour and they do snap you back to reality with a jolt. But, if we are at the same place, even when snapped back to reality, what is NEXT. I think what you've been doing is wonderful, positive things for your house and friends and family, these are no small things, every small step and action counts. I think though, if you're anything like me, maybe we are waiting for god to place the healing in our laps. I've done some work, not enough, I've taken some steps, not enough and I remember this week thinking, OK god/karma/universe, come on, I'm lonely, I've done the work, help me out, and what did I get? The opposite! I got a message my ex wife still wants me back. Of course she doesn't take any actions to get me back, doesn't take the medication, doesn't approach me, so it was just more borderline drivel second hand to my ears. I've been jolted into getting a T and going back to the mental work. My point? Maybe we think we're done, we read, we suffered, now where's my cake? Knowing it, is only step 1 (but the hardest step). I know it and actually we posted quite similar posts here in section 6, then we have to set and maintain the boundaries (across our entire life, Im also a workplace fixer and take on too much crud that others should be doing) as codependents and then build new relationships sometimes with those same people and sometimes with new people.

Good Luck Billy, we sound incredibly similar people btw! Its amazing how types and situations, across 1000s of miles can be so similar.

Hey folks,

Thanks for the responses.  Yesterday was fantastic.  Today was meh.  Tomorrow will probably be like most Mondays.  Tuesday might be wonderful.  So I know I'm just going through it and that there will be days.  I also think I may be rushing myself a bit, as some of you suggested.  I was a quick study on the disorder as I had a headstart knowing as much about my ex's family history as I did.  Getting a T early in the process also helped immensely.  It seemed like for a while things were going so well in the recovery because all I was doing was trying to make sense of the relationship with the new context of BPD.  But after a while, I've found myself wondering what else do I really need to learn about this?  What more ruminating can I possibly do that will convince me further of something I all ready know to be true?  Are there really any more random crazy things I can remember and put in the BPD bag?  I feel like I've gone over everything from the last 6 years with a fine tooth comb.  And more to the point, who cares what label you put on it?  I was treated horribly and I weathered it.  It's on me to learn why and never allow it to happen again.  I know more about what made my relationship  than I know about what makes me tick.  Or at least at a conscious level.  

Charred - I've heard the death of a parent comparison when these things come to an end.  I've actually heard it's like the death of an abusive parent.  I described how I felt after she left as being like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I could breathe easy again, without fear of judgement or persecution.  I didn't have to worry about her anymore, plain and simple.  I also agree about the e-mails and things.  Mine sent me an e-mail after she left.  It was truly nuts.  She said so herself.  The opening line was "I feel like I'm on a parallel plain, an alternate universe."  Then went on to blame me for everything and brought up things that happened before we were married.  So yeah, I go back to the e-mail sometimes whenever I need a reminder of who and what she is.  

Pingo - Grief sucks.  Not much else to say there.  I haven't pinpointed my least favorite part but bargaining seems to be the worst.  All the back and forth and self deprecating can be brutal.  Sadness just makes you want to lay on the couch all day and wallow.  Whatever.  Anger makes you want to go out and prove everyone and everything wrong.  Anger can sometimes lead to a pretty nice release.  But nothing good comes from bargaining.  It's truly a stupid part of the process, what point does it actually serve?  How are any of us better off from replaying crazy over and over again?  Aside from really carving into our heads to never go there again - I learned that lesson in the first week, I don't need another 5 months of ruminating.  All part of the process I guess.  Again, I think you are right about me rushing things a bit.  I think it just feels like being down and out about things still gives her some sort of hold over me.  Whether that's rational or not, I don't know, but I don't like feeling this way about things.  Plus, even when you aren't going through something like this, it's no fun to feel like crap.  

Deeno - I've definitely learned that there's a big difference between understanding and feeling.  The feeling part always seems to lag way behind.  Pretty annoying though I do know that something better lies ahead.  I'm sure it does for you as well.  

Tim - A void indeed.  I also feel like I lost a lot of my purpose.  Taking care of her was my second full time job.  And to be thrown out and basically told that I wasn't needed anymore did a number on me.  I too, am no where near ready for a relationship.  It wouldn't be fair to me or her.  I'll bide my time with friends and family in the mean time.  And yes, unfortunately for us they never did exist.  That's the rub, they saw us, mirrored us, and then we held onto that projection.  For way too long, despite everything around else telling us otherwise.  I guess I should pump the brakes on the "what now?" question and just sort of let it be.  

Trog - I agree with you on the sitting back and waiting for the universe to do something comment.  I've even felt that way.  I've looked around and asked, "After all I've done for the r/s and all that I do for my friends and family, can't someone or something do something for me?"  But that's an irrational belief or maybe that's too harsh but it's not how I need to go about thinking.  People do things and have done things for me all the time.  Friends and family have supported.  They've reminded me that I'm not those awful things my ex painted me as.  And I'm grateful for them.  I'm also grateful for my dog, who has been wonderful through all of this nonsense.  Plus, the universe doesn't have to take care of me, I'm my own responsibility.  Luckily though, I haven't heard a peep from my ex since telling her to leave me alone.  I'd like the universe to keep it that way.  So I guess that's the one thing I'd like the universe to do for me.

Well, that felt like a random stream of consciousness.  Thanks again all.

I suspect that this is more of the normal recovery process, and your expectations are that it will be easier/faster than it is. 


Yep. Just like that.


I think you've learned a lesson about that kind of 'fixing' when applied to people--that it doesn't work well for them or you when you try to fix them. That same process won't work any better when you apply it to yourself!


That's the hard part. Listening to your feelings. And not doing much about them. Mindfulness meditation practice has been really great for me. Have you tried it? (I can give you some starting pointers or resources.)

Thanks Grey Kitty.  I've tried Mindfullness a few times, mostly when I'm trying to get the thoughts of her out my head before going to sleep.  I'm all ears for anything else you'd like to offer.

I have been doing pretty consistent daily sitting meditation practice. Sometimes 15 or 20 minutes, sometimes as long as 45 minutes. Most of the meditation instruction I've been given is to try to keep your mind focused on your breathing. For some reason I've not had very good luck with that one; My teacher did say that the three "traditional" or most common anchors for meditation are breath, sound, and physical sensations. Most people find one of those three is easiest for them. I've found that the physical sensations are my easiest one.

And of course, most of my mindfulness meditation practice is (eventually) noticing that my mind as wandered off, and gently bringing it back to my focus. One technique you might try for that is to say to your mind when something about your wife (or whatever) comes up AGAIN is "Thank you for sharing that. You may go now." And gently bring yourself back to your meditation focus.

If you have  a chance to do a long silent mindfulness meditation retreat, it is quite an experience.