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Okay. I will try to clearly explain the thought/question I just had... .

I could never really wrap my head around it, never thought about it that way.

I have a very, very rare condition which causes me very intense headaches from time to time. Back when we got to know each other I told her about it (I don't remember who brought up headaches to begin with to be honest.)

But she had the same headaches. I mean... .they are rare, even rarer for females, but it's far from impossible to meet someone that suffers from that type of headaches.

Having suffered from them since my late teens I had some strategies that helped me tremendously. Since this type of headaches is very rare many physicians don't really know what to do with it, or just think one is exaggerating or it's a "common migraine." Very frustrating.

So when we talked about it I immediately knew it is very similar to mine and was very happy to be able to help (help... .haha. Yes. The good ol' helping.)

Fast forward some time. She is having the headaches regularly. In the beginning I was able to be helpful. But when she slowly started devaluating me (I was still unaware of what was going on) I couldn't. Difficult to explain. But this is where the thought I just had comes into play. I'm not saying she didn't have any headaches. But is it possible she had just mirrored my specific kind of headaches? Had it become a tool to get my undivided attention?

In the beginning she accepted my help and I was able to help, to at least some extend. But then she only complained and everything I said was either not helpful or was just dismissed from the get go.

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Related but on a slightly different note. Maybe this rings a bell for someone here, it has boggled my mind for A LONG TIME. Even when things were still seemingly good.

There is something that helps with these headaches. In short: It makes them just go away, within less than five minutes. I was introduced to this by a friend of mine who is neurologist, when me and my ex were already together.

It is a nose spray. When I first tried it I was ecstatic. I mean... .from debilitating pain that makes it impossible to do anything else than whimpering around on the living room floor to feeling like half a million bucks in less than five minutes... .to me it felt like I had discovered the cure for cancer.

She never tried it. She almost got aggressive when I suggested her to try it. She said there is nothing on earth she hates as much as nose sprays. She said it would be impossible for her to even think about it.

What I found weird is... .the headaches are so incredibly bad that I would have been okay with anything just to get a bit of relief... .and she wouldn't try it because she had some weird kind of nose spray phobia? I mean... .What the heck. (This actually mad me think the headaches might not be as bad for her as she always suggested.)

Thing is... .she was addicted to cocaine when she was younger (pretty certain she wasn't lying saying she is sober... .except from me suspecting she was abusing pills from time to time.)

How could someone that almost proudly told me that her nose doc was horrified how effed up her septum was from abusing coke for years be so horrified of the idea of using a nose spray? Or is there a connection I am missing?

Interesting point and questions. With my ex if any of us had an illness he also had it too but his was always a bit worse. I think it was his way of making sure the attention didn't go totally off him to some one else, and also a weird way of connecting with who ever was sick. If one of our kids had a cold, he had one just last week and would fill us in on all the details. If one of us had a stomach ache - he had one too and was so relieved some one else had it too so his must not be life threatening - that sort of thing. Very strange behaviour I always thought. A bit like a child wanting to be sick too so they could get the attention.