BPDFamily.com

Yesterday was BPDgfs birthday and last night she was out for dinner with a few of her friends.

Got a text message from another friend of hers who was out with a different party this morning to tell me all about the antics of BPDgf last night. It seems that her entourage of female friends was actually an entourage of males she has acquired over the past couple of weeks. She flirted with anyone and everyone who even glanced in her direction, almost landed herself in trouble with a few girlfriends and just embarrassed herself completely.

Decided today that I can't speak to her because I know that all I will get on the phone is lies and her feeling sorry for herself. I've had my own plans today with friends coming round for a meal so focussing on that.

Friend contacted me today because she is concerned about BPDgf, she is getting more out of control, drinking heavily and fast becoming the talk of her town again. Not to mention she is in for a very nasty fall in the coming weeks. Her exbf who she got the RO against has now got his phone back off the police and has filed his own action against her. Its really not going to end well for her and I'm trying to keep well out of the way of the blast radius.

Its difficult because I wish I could step in and sort it out but I know that will do no good. I was flavour of the month in her eyes all day yesterday until 6pm and it was a sudden switch. Now she's feeling sorry for herself again, I'm back to being called and I've decided I'm not having any of it this weekend.

I still can't get my head around why she continues to lie. Obviously I can't confront her on it to protect her friends and also the fact that she would think I'm checking up on her if I did. Her friends contact me out of concerns themselves and maybe they should be the ones who speak to her. Apparently I'm the first decent guy she has been with as long as they have known her, they feel bad for me going through this but also have this mistaken belief that I can fix everything. I had that same mistaken belief too until recently  lol

I think another thing that frustrates me a little, from a purely selfish point of view, is that if I'm such a great friend that she keeps telling me I am, why she chooses not to include me in things she is doing, but it more than happy to get upset if I don't include her but also chooses to lie about what she is up to. I think I understand parts of it but can't get my head around it all.

Don't you think that she is actively looking for your replacement? Obviously she will not dump you outright, until she can find a replacement. That is why she continues to contact you and lie to you about her intention.

By the way, my old xBPDgf did just that. While she was still with me, she was on the prowl for my replacement. According to her, "she remains faithful as long as there was no exchange of bodily fluids." . Another red flag which I noticed but did not fully understand until after I left her. I helped out cleaning out her house for over 1 week to get ready for her house party, she did not even invite me until the day before. I went out and bought drinks for her for the party, but at the party she completely ignored me. I came up to a conversation she was having with several guys from work, she did not even introduce me to them. Well one of the guys in that group had some interested in her so she tried to keep the image of availability to him. I was so enmeshed with her at that time so I did not see it clearly. That night she even had sex with me - go figure.

Why is the sky blue? You can give a scientific answer about the wavelengths of colors of light... .you can intellectualize and explain it and understand it... .but at the end of the day, the sky is blue regardless of whether or not you understand why.

That's far from a perfect analogy, but I hope you understand my intent. There are certainly general reasons why pwBPD tend to lie, manipulate, etc., because of the specifics of the disorder. And each person's individual history and personality traits also come into play.

But the bottom line is that... .people who lie will continue to lie. Because that's what they do.


She's lost your trust, and I think you would have good reason to "check up on her" if you so chose. You might approach it by asking her to name the friends she was out with.


I'm sure you are a great friend to her... .but of course she doesn't want to include you in her nights out with her male admirers! You would only cramp her style.

She gets upset when you don't include her because she is incapable of the give-and-take of a healthy adult relationship. Also, pwBPD often project their own intentions onto others - "I don't want to include him because he'd interfere with the male attention I'm getting, so he must not want to include me because he sees me as a c---block too." Just like you have a hard time wrapping your head around her worldview, she has a hard time wrapping her head around yours and other people's.


I have to agree.

My exBPDbf had his entourage(s) of female "friends," too. Monogamy was not a requirement of mine, but no matter how much freedom I gave him, he still lied and snuck around.

It is, quite simply, just who he is. If I want any type of relationship with him, I have to accept who he is. Even if I don't fully understand why.

That's the decision you have to make for yourself. Knowing what you know about who she is - regardless of whether or not you understand her - is this a person you can radically accept in your life?

hi ripped. this is a bad situation and i'm sorry for your plight, it can't be easy seeing what's going to be coming.


during my marriage my w also lied, about big things which i found out too late, but about little things too, things about which she never had to lie by any objective standard. it used to drive me nuts. why lie? i assured her from before we were married (that i had to was another   i brushed past) that while i couldn't always agree with her i always wanted her to speak from out of her feelings. i didn't realize then how important that first bit was - not always agreeing with her. when BPD was suggested i got what i think is an explanation: the fear of judgement, of shaming, of rejection. but why fear little disagreements? the default setting seems to be that the pwBPD's actions are inherently shameful, even perfectly (to us) neutral actions, and to fully embrace the content of her always-potentially-shameful actions would have been intolerable for my w.

so imho pwBPD lie because anything they do is subject to judgement, and some of it certainly would be, and that needs to be deflected. it's a reflex almost.