BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I've been dealing with a BPDEx in Newcastle for a year now. I live in Canada. I've been a bit frustrated at how much my visits get restricted, but my current lawyer keeps insisting I try to get as much as I can outside the courts before going to court.

Not worth going into all the detail, but I was speaking with a psychologist and between the two of us we agreed my lawyer's approach (which I've constantly pushed back on) is not the correct one when dealing with someone with BPD. I'm looking for a lawyer who does understand BPD in England, ideally in Newcastle since this will be going to court eventually, but I've been having trouble finding one.

Every lawyer either doesn't respond or admits no knowledge of BPD (oh, and some knowledge of international custody cases too, but I think BPD is first priority). Here's who I've contacted so far (found them through lawsociety.org search for mental health and family law, or through referrals from people I found on there).

• Samuel Phillips (no response)



• Richmond Anderson (no response)



• Hadaway (no response)



• David Gray (said they don't think they have the knowledge on BPD)



• Duncan Lewis (said they don't serve clients outside of UK)



• Hay Kilner (referred me to David Gray and Samuel Phillips, but said they don't know anything about BPD)

Can you recommend anyone else? Sometimes I feel like my current lawyer doesn't believe the stories I tell her (in fairness, they're so ridiculous they're hard to believe).



Thanks

Side note: how do I change my username? Can't seem to figure it out.

Lawyers generally leave the diagnostic phrases to those doing the psych evals and custody evals.  I recall my lawyer called my ex a sociopath as we walked out of one hearing, speculating that she could lie and still pass a lie detector test.  This after knowing for years I always spoke of Borderline and Paranoid PDs.  He was a "problem solver" (as Bill Eddy calls good lawyers) and said he could handle "high conflict" cases.  (Yet he estimated a divorce with children at 7-9 months, the reality was 23.5 months.  Yes, even he was surprised.)

I suspect your question -- "Can you handle BPD cases?" -- is just too diagnostically oriented for most lawyers.  And you risk finding a lawyer or solicitor who will reply 'Yes' and not really know what it is or how to deal with it.

Try asking practical questions.  "My spouse is very oppositional and obstructive, will stonewall any and all practical solutions, will delay the case as long as possible, will almost surely make false allegations to make me look worse than him/her, using emotionally compelling tactics devoid of any facts to posture as victim while painting me as perp... .can you handle High Conflict cases like that?"

I agree with FD -- understanding BPD is not by itself what you need -- and unfortunately BPD is not something lawyers learn in law school (although wow, wouldn't that be great?). I don't think they need to know what BPD is in order to be an effective lawyer in a high conflict case. It helps, but it isn't essential.

What makes a really good lawyer is a really good client. To become a good client, you have to understand as much as possible about the disorder, about yourself, and about what you want your lawyer to do (no continuances, no back room deals, etc.). The last part takes some experience, which is what this board can offer. But just as helpful is Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. This article is also really helpful (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140) -- it's written by lawyers for lawyers, but it spells out the type of approach that is effective in high conflict cases. It gives you a small peek into what they have to keep in mind when they find themselves involved in a high conflict case. You can give the book or article to your lawyer, or you can guide your lawyer accordingly.

There have been over 60 filings in my case in a 4 year span. That's averaging more than one filing a month for four years, which is extreme by any measure. I didn't read this article until recently, but it is exactly what I would recommend to someone dealing with BPD and family court.

The lawyer you have who recommends trying to get what you need outside the court doesn't understand what he's dealing with. You are being a good client when you push back -- your lawyer works for you. A lot of lawyers don't propose strategies, but it goes a long way because these cases tend to be more like chess games than one-time events where everything gets solved and people cooperate.

There are tools you can use to develop a good strategy. One is to find a skilled mediator who is accustomed to dealing with narcissists, especially if your ex has a lot of entitlement. The other is to use a deposition -- this flushes out BPD lies that can then be used to undermine her credibility in court. Another is to get a custody evaluation or other third-party professional involved who will provide so-called "objective" testimony in court. All of these are expensive, and all have pros/cons. The key is to understand how the system works where you live. And make sure you stay on top of your lawyer. For example, I learned that it's important to have my lawyer write all of the orders. I always made sure she included consequences where applicable, like "failure to comply by the deadline will result in sanctions for legal fees." Court does not enforce court orders, that job falls to you. So if you know you're going to end up back in court, you want to make sure the consequence that YOU want is in the order so that the judge doesn't let the other party take a second bite of the apple.

No matter what strategy you use, document everything. It's critical. Otherwise it turns into he said/she said, and court is useless if it comes down to that.

It's hard to find a good family law attorney who knows about international law. I had to do all of that research myself (I'm canadian, living in the US, my child is a dual citizen) and explain to the parenting coordinator, my lawyer, and the judge how the Hague Treaty works and what others have done in my situation.

Being an assertive, reasonable problem solver who documents everything, who has a strategy and a clear goal, will go a long way. It's more important than whether your lawyer understands BPD, although certainly that won't hurt.