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What are some things that you do to be "Mindful"? How do you stay "aware" of the potential of escalation without walking on egg shells?

Hi Enoch,  

Welcome aboard!

This is a fantastic topic.

I think I can safely say that most of us in a relationship with a pwBPD could use a little mindfulness every once in awhile.  Mindfulness techniques are wonderful for managing stress or just feeling overwhelmed with some of the behavior of a pwBPD.

I tend to have a lot of anxiety, so I started doing nature walks.  :)uring my walks I relax and become aware of my surroundings. I focus on one thing at a time, letting all of my senses kick in. My walks have really let me focus.

Other times when I am really upset, my emotions tend to eclipse my rational thoughts. I started learning how to think with wise mind. It has taken me awhile, but I can stop a panic attack from occurring and I have lessened my anxiety greatly. Here is an article for more information.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)

I stay aware of the potential escalation by knowing my bf's triggers. It has become almost instinctual to divert a potential escalating situation.

What are some things that you do?

What are some things I do to be mindful... .hmmm... .I try to make sure I start the day with reading and contemplation... .I need to have a full tank with lots to spare... .then I join my DBPDW for some convo in the kitchen... .It doesn't take long to get baited into an argument... .so I stay mindful of any question or comment that starts to trigger a response from me... .then I know I've been baited... .

after that happens, I kick into "slow gear". I use very few words and mostly just look at her... .carefully so as not to betray my rising emotions... .I'm aware that if I smirk or snarl... .it's on. These sarcastic responses of mine never make things better, they make things worse. So, I am very mindful of my response... .If I can keep from responding, there is a chance that it won't escalate.

Around Holidays, when she is tense and irritable (8 on a 10 point scale), I am mindful that a Holiday is near and it's time to slow things down... .meaning, slow me down. It helps sometimes.

I'm in a therapy group for myself (my SO has BPD) and we use DBT and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). We use a book in class called 'the Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris and the book has taught me several methods to be mindful, to 'sit' with your emotions instead of pushing them away, and to be mindful and aware of thoughts, emotions, feelings, your body, without necessarily getting completely caught up in them. I'm still learning it but I think the exercises in the book could be helpful if you want to learn how to be mindful.

I use mindfulness as a tool for dealing with your own feelings.

It has no DIRECT application to a dealing with a difficult person (or pwBPD). There are a lot of other tools; You can find them in the Lessons.

Where mindfulness comes in is that as you get better at being aware of your feelings, instead of shoving them aside or getting lost in reacting to them.  When you are triggered by something your partner says, your immediate reaction will probably be something that makes everything worse. If you have cultivated enough mindfulness to realize that you are triggered, you can at least stop yourself from doing a dozen bad and invalidating things.

You might be able to rapidly sooth yourself and say something validating instead. Or perhaps you will choose to enforce a boundary and give yourself space--if you *KNOW* that you will be making things worse if your mouth is moving, you can still choose to leave and give yourself time and space to recover, instead of doing that.

These efforts to be mindful of yourself and your experience in the present moment are very simple, and incredibly difficult. The really good part is that even when you feel like you are TERRIBLE at it, simply trying again and again is very good practice and it really helps you.

I've done a lot of traditional Buddhist mindfulness meditation, and this is the kind of result I've found. The same concepts and practices are used in DBT and other mindfulness programs. I'd encourage you to try any of them that seem to work for you.

Wonderful topic and answers.

I agree with GK, in that mindfulness practice is about us, not other. While we can be aware and sympathetic to others' feelings or possible escalation, being mindful (to me) is staying within what I am feeling. More and more, I am leaning on a teaching that I recently was reminded of: when one is suffering and there is an antidote, then no need to worry. When one is suffering and there is no antidote, then there is no benefit in worrying.

When my uBPDw is approaching or is in dysregulation, I often tense up and prepare to defend or dash in and make better. It's pointless. It isn't an antidote to her suffering. Instead, if I can, I try to notice my own thoughts, acknowledge that I am responsible for my feelings, and that I needn't suffer with her if there is no antidote to her suffering. It's been pretty freeing when I can recollect and be mindful. And that freedom may allow genuine empathy to well up, which is often what the pwBPD is looking for.

It's most important to apply the antidotes to our own thoughts first. Then, maybe, we can help our SO or at least not make things worse. My T said put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then put the mask on your child. The person who can emotionally regulate has to help themselves first before trying to help their SO.

Thank you for your thoughtful posts!  |iiii