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As many of you know, I have made repeated attempts to return personal property to my ex... .I finally rented a storage locker and sent her instructions via email regarding how she can pick the stuff up... .she had blocked me via phone, text, social media and all of my email accounts so I was surprised when i didn't receive an  error message from both of her email accounts.

I asked for her to acknowledge that she received the message with a simple 'got it' so that I wouldn't have to bother her relatives and friends to get the instructions to her, but 3 days later, that has not happened. Why did she unblock email not via phone (still blocked) and social media (still blocked there too)?

It seems that just when I thought that I had this all figured out, there is some new twist. I also felt that sending it to a storage facility was a lot like shutting the door permanently on this relationship... .now I am faced with the possibility that she might not pick the stuff up. Any thoughts as to what is happening here?

I got nothing to an email asking her what she wanted me to do with her stuff.  You've done the right thing now let her be. No use trying to figure out a pwBPD, its the definition of impossible. Start detaching fully, realise that she never loved you in the way we think of love. I'm so happy that I'm at the stage now that I just think of her as irrelevant and I know our situations had a lot of similarities. You'll get there, you have done the right thing, now start looking forwards, not backwards.

JRT, it is obvious to anyone reading your contributions here that you are a man of integrity.

However…

No one deliberately abandons valuable property.  If she truly felt the need to retain her movables, she would have done so whilst exiting, and I don’t imagine that she left behind priceless Meissen figurines, or that there are one or two Faberge eggs knocking about amongst her belongings. 

You’ve done your bit, and her family shouldn’t be burdened with this, as they have already been saddled with a recalcitrant daughter. 

Part of the healing process is learning to let go.

Let this one go, mate. 

In my instance, everything of hers was taken to the bin.  However, I did retain one or two articles of clothing in order to mop up the spillage around my toilet on my bathroom cleaning day

I think that I have come a long way... .but getting the stuff back to her is PART of it... .if she doesn't come and pick it up, its on my conscience! I actually think that she knows this. Holy crap, I am already dating someone new!

I would generally agree with you... .but there IS a large cache of family keepsake items that is priceless to her and her family. So priceless that she had a friend of hers contact me about (At the time, I demanded that my ex and only my ex come and pick it up). I'll tell you this: If I knew that that stuff went in to the trash when I could have prevented it from happening, I would feel like a huge jerk.

No need for anything to be on your conscience, you can hold your head high as you have acted honourably. Sounds like you have been painted blacker than black like me, just remember, the blacker they painted us the deeper they loved us, in their BPD love kinda way. They only want to stay in touch with the ones that never meant much to them. Be thankful you didn't get a restraining order and a smear campaign like I got!

Why?

She left it. She has made no effort to retrieve it.

You have done more than your due diligence trying to return it to her. Your conscience can rest assured of that.

The bottom line is that she chose to abandon these things, and continues to choose not to pick them up. This a conscious decision on her part; her actions make her choice clear.

You are holding on because you want to hold on. Whether because you attribute your own values to her (like sentimentality), or because you are subconsciously grasping for ways to stay attached to her, or both... .or something else entirely... .that is something you have to come to terms with for yourself.  

@DrummerBoy... .she had threatened a PPO when I called her to return this! lol

@Nihlist.,.I find that understanding this stuff, even within its crazy context, helps me to understand and helping to understand, allows me to cope. We all go about it differently. I was hoping that this would be an easy thing and I swear that when I chut that storage door, that I was closing the last chapter on this relationship.

But its not really about the stuff as far as this episode goes... .its more about why she would unblock my email in the first place; it is a manuver on her part. I mean; she HAD to consciously unblock me, and why would she? That being the case, what does she have in store for 'later'?

... .I KNOW She wants her stuff back and she will come and get it when she is ready ... .I am also pretty sure that I know why she left it in the first place and why she kept some of my stuff (this is how she recycled in the past)... .Knowing her full well, I can even explain why she received the email and has not responded (unable to make life related decisions of magnitude and importance on her own, she is pondering to the extent that she is unable to sleep). She is likely going to take this up with her T when she sees him next. I know: this was almost a daily thing with me as it related to her son.

I think that I might have 'teed up' my question improperly, sorry.

No one can answer those questions definitively except for your exgf, and you're not likely to get any answers from her.

You know the typical BPDex story... .they usually do make some contact, whether or not it's a recycle attempt, even months or years after the relationship.

How do you feel about the possibility of her contacting you?


There's a lot of mind-reading going on here. I'm not saying you don't know her well - hell, I'm not saying you're not right about every prediction - but the truth is... .you don't know exactly what she's thinking or feeling. And you are focusing on her to the exclusion of yourself.

Understanding the nature of these relationships is important to healing and discovering ourselves... .but we have to turn that energy and focus inwards at some point.

I am unconcerned... .matter of fact, I would like it if she did. I know that most non's would welcome theirs like nails on a chalkboard, but I didn't have the kind of relationship that most non's have had. Mine was a waif or maybe even a hermit and there was not acrimony, manipulation, etc. that seems to define most BPD relationships... .I wish that there was sometimes it would have helped me to recall painful bad times but, frankly, there really weren't any.

As to the other stuff, there is no no better gauge of things than what had happened in the past. Although some things are different this time, this has all been played out before.

As to my exclusion; no - not at all. My curiosity is naturally robust as it is about her actions. It took me a long time to figure out as much as I am convinced that I know right now (thanks to this site and those that contribute in large part). It might look like it is consuming me, but it is only on an intellectual level (although I would feel a LOT better emotionally and achieve the closure that I need if she just picked the dammed stuff up and was done with it).

Yes - you don't necessarily get an "error" message when someone blocks your email.

I decided to block my ex via email.  I tested it first - I have multiple email accounts. I blocked my own hotmail account using my yahoo account.  Then I sent an email from my hotmail account to my yahoo account to see what would happen.

Nothing did.  I didn't receive any error message at all in my hotmail account. It was if I had sent an email and simply not received a response.

Having said that, I'm sorry because I know how much pain you're in.  You are still seeking some kind of response for closure, and it hurts.  You may be better off sending the info to her father and sister - and stop torturing yourself.

And this:

"You are holding on because you want to hold on. Whether because you attribute your own values to her (like sentimentality), or because you are subconsciously grasping for ways to stay attached to her, or both... .or something else entirely... .that is something you have to come to terms with for yourself."

The truth is that you have the means to let go and assuage your conscience... .you can send the info to her father and sister - including the fact that her "stuff" includes some valuable family heirlooms. You have, however chosen not to do this.  I understand - it's very painful - but you're keeping yourself chained to her things.

Well... .when this all went down, I sent her a couple of emails... .they were both blocked and I received an error message from both... .On Saturday, I also sent her a text to her phone from my email client... .this is a bit of a trick, most people don't know how to do it, and there also was no blocked message where if I texted where there would be if I texted her. She unblocked me... .

PS Not in incredible pain... .just need closure.

Well, no: this is not the case either (sigh)... .I really just don't want to drag anyonein that is not part of this if I don't have to... .they are next on the list if she does not respond.

Hahaha

hahahahaha

Not so fast: blocked again!

Okay, so what is this going to change for you?  Is it going to alter your approach?  Does this provide a clearer direction forward with the topic at hand (i.e., transferring possessions)?

Dammit! When I drove away from that storage facility, I felt like I buried the body and that would be that. Now I feel that the 50 stitches that I had over my heart are ripped open a bit again! I just didn't consider that she would be THIS childish after this long. I sent the necessary information to her again today. Her work email sent a notification that I was blocked while her msn account did not (not sure if it is capable of blocking or not). I simultaneously sent the message to her phone but (I use the same provider and sent it to my phone as well) truncates all but the first sentence of the message. Soo... .I printed the damn thing out and mailed it to her work. If she does not return it 'refused' (she did that to a letter that I sent in October), I'll consider it fulfillment of my responsibility.

If it's returned, I am not sure what I am going to do. Send to her Dad... .her sister... .the lawyer that did a favor by writing a threatening letter to me... .I suspect that this is turning into a bit of a game for her.

I'm sorry JRT, but watching you do this is like watching someone pick up a sharp knife and stab themselves with it.  I don't know why you keep wounding yourself like this.

I am sure that some would not understand. BPD or not, given the nature of the stuff, it is the right thing to do. One ALWAYS does the right thing even in the face of the opposite. I think that I would be FAR more troubled if I suspended my morals and beliefs by virtue of someone else's actions toward me. It would, perhaps, be the ultimate victory OVER me for my BPDex to be able to recognize that she was able to control me this way, as twisted that it is. How would just tossing this stuff and not going through the effort be any better than her actions? How would anything less possibly afford me the right to complain about what she did?

I go to sleep at night with a clean conscience and never toss and turn. This is NOT the easy life, but it is the right life.

Do you still have the option of having her friend collect this stuff for her?  I.e., the friend that first contacted you when you posted your FB message about the items some time ago? 

Well, that was the first place I went to. I was going to IM her on FB. I went back to that thread, and she apparently blocked me as I am unable to reply.

I also tried to IM one of her sister who also, then, blocked me (I have to admit, this was really hurtful. I can only imagine the distortion campaign on that end! I'd give a lot of money to know what she is telling people!)!

So, I'll see if this letter is returned. If it is, I'll have to figure out plan B or just go ahead and execute it either way. I just want this to be done with.

You misunderstood my post.  You are wounding yourself because you continue to use these items to try to get a response from her when she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want to interact with you. This is how you are wounding yourself - and it has nothing to do with your integrity.

I get it, JRT - these items she left behind are your last link to her.  You are holding onto them, and, in some ways, using them to try to corner her into responding to you.  To be frank, this is not acting with integrity.  You have other options - father, sister, friend - but you have steadfastly refused to employ these options. This is because your real hope is that you can use these items to persuade her to respond to you.

I'm sorry... .my heart breaks for you - it breaks for me, and it breaks for everyone else on this board.  But her response is out of your control.  These items make you feel as though you still have some semblance of control, but you don't.  Let go and be done with it.

Interestingly enough, I have a box of childhood photos that my ex left behind.  Irreplaceable, as are your items. I am currently thinking about how to return this box to her, although I'm not in a hurry about it - it's not triggering to me.  I will likely give the box to my stepdaughter to return to her, thereby avoiding any contact and any temptation on my end to be manipulative in any way.

Why am I doing this?  Because I too am a person of integrity.  I could easily toss them away (and be justified in doing so for all the ___ she's pulled) - but I won't.  I'm going to to the right thing - not use the items to try to force her to respond to me, and not simply toss them in an immature fit of rage.

And then I'm going to sleep soundly - and wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and be proud of who I am.

Buzz

Thanks... .I know that you mean well, but your interpretation is not at all what I am thinking or feeling, sorry. I Think I might not be presenting it properly. I DON'T want her to respond to me other than to confirm that the message was received, thats all that I want. I shoulda probably just gone to the dammed lawyer first and been done with it or her family (it would be nice for them to know how much of an ass***e she is so that can have talking points at holidays). I am not wishing to establish a dialog with her... .not sure where you are getting this from.

It felt REALLY liberating to get that stuff out of here especially when I was driving away from the storage place. Can you see how that action is somewhat negated by the inability to confirm that she even knows that I still have it? That it is ready for her to pick up? No strings attached?

That box of photos doesn't trigger like her stuff didn't trigger me either. However, it is STILL a link and a powerful one at that, for you and her. Giving it back in the same manner is a symbolic act that really finalizes the whole thing. You will likely see what I mean when you send it back. I hope its not boomerang shaped like mine... .

... .frankly, I am beginning to believe that she WANTS me to keep this stuff.

When the body is buried, does the grieving suddenly stop?

no... .but its certitude allowed me to plot a course... .under these circumstances, the course remains unplotable... .

In separate posts from this thread, you have said the following:

"Not in incredible pain... .just need closure", followed by:

"I feel that the 50 stitches that I had over my heart are ripped open again"

There is a course to be plotted, J... .you just haven't found it yet.  Keep working at it--you will.

the course was there! Her picking up her stuff... .THAT was it. A loose end I would never need to look at or think about again. Did I do the right thing/did I do the wrong thing. The right thing was making it available to her (if she picked it up or not is her business). Now I have to 'deal' with her in order to do the right thing. Yes; this IS complicated by who I am and it does open the wounds up. I was as happy as a clam over the weekend... .today; meh! I am not opened up and bleeding but I DO need some anti-inflammatory this or that.

Wondering more and more if she intends for me to keep this in my possession. I guess it doesn't matter as if I don;t hear from her or she has not collected it by next week, her family and lawyer get mail. This S**t just blows my mind!

The real thing keeping me from returning the box to my ex is that my step daughter is away at college. For whatever reason the box is not triggering to me, so I don't have a problem waiting until my SD comes home.

Overall, I have taken concrete steps to detach from my ex: unfriended then blocked her on FB, blocked texts, blocked emails - and have made no attempts whatsoever to contact her since I said goodbye.  I have had potential reasons to make contact (mis-delivered furniture, a certified letter for her, this box of photos I found in the basement a few weeks ago - even had her comment on one of my FB posts that I posted it to my SD's timeline (which really pissed me off) - but I have refrained from communicating with her in every instance. None of these decisions to remain n/c are symbolic for me; they are a very deliberate cutting of the threads that connect us in any way, shape or form.  It's has been hard and sad at times, but it's healthy and liberating.

My thought that you were trying to establish a dialog came from the myriad of ways you've mentioned that you've tried to contact her - repeatedly - even when she's blocked you.  In a recent post you said "On Saturday, I also sent her a text to her phone from my email client... .this is a bit of a trick, most people don't know how to do it."  It certainly sounds like you've made extraordinary attempts to begin a dialog with her.  

no, that post on Saturday was not to establish a dialog. That was the email where i told her where to pick up her stuff.

You were empowered to cut ties in your way... .not sure if they provided you with a sense of empowerment over the situation. My taking that stuff to storage and leaving it there, was the only card that I had to play in this respect. It was the equivalent of blocking her on FB, or phone, text, etc. We are all different; her not picking the stuff up nor acknowledging the email negates my cutting ties.

That ^ is not true.  You are giving her all the power in this situation - that because "she" didn't pick up the stuff and because "she" didn't acknowledge the email all of your efforts are "negated". 

Not true, not true, not true. That is the thought that is keeping you stuck.

Take your power back.

All of this.

Like I said, we are all different. I am first beholden to my OWN standards. My standard guides me to do what is right according to what I have established. Those standards come BEFORE her. Like I have been saying: if i failed to do the right thing, that failure would hold power over me - not her. Guys; TRUST ME on this, I feel that you are working REALLY hard to convince me of something is not true. Remember: we are all different, your reactions and motives can be uniquely your own OR the same as everyone elses.

Like I said, we are all different. I am first beholden to my OWN standards. My standard guides me to do what is right according to what I have established. Those standards come BEFORE her. Like I have been saying: if i failed to do the right thing, that failure would hold power over me - not her. Guys; TRUST ME on this, While I am certain that you have my best interest in mind, I feel that you are working REALLY hard to convince me of something is not true. Remember: we are all different, your reactions and motives can be uniquely your own OR the same as everyone elses.

I guess you will let go when you are ready to let go.  All the best.