BPDFamily.com

I joined this community a while back, and was encouraged to post an intro, but I was extremely hesitant. I felt too odd posting here, because my relationship was long-distant and I know for a lot of other users in this community it was not, far from it. The time I was physically with her is cumulatively only 2 months or so. My ex was also never diagnosed. I joined this community because my ex and I only suspected it. A lot of things discussed here are really helpful and I can relate to many, but that doesn't necessarily mean my ex had BPD. It could be that my ex was an emotionally immature person who is really depressed. And I've seen how depression change people.

I saw this post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271372.0

And began typing up a list, but I thought it was about time I wrote an intro here. Many of the items I listed were similar to the original poster, kc sunshine. I could relate to "Sleep deprivation" one. Just constant drama that knows no day and night. I also practically spent every waking hour communicating with her, even when I am working in the office. At first, I chatted with her during my work few times because I thought she really needed it to overcome her fear of abandonment, but later she began to simply expect me to do so. And her tantrums got worse, to a point of threatening suicide while I was in a meeting or I was too busy working on a task. I always bit my lips at this because she is severely depressed, she frequently said "I am sorry, I didn't mean anything I said". She sounds like she mean them. But... .her tantrums occurred overwhelmingly more frequently, and was incredibly needy. I believe her when she says "I am sorry" or when she say "I want to change", but the situation was unbearable. I think that's a good summary of why I left.



If you are wondering why I titled this post "My ex's competition"... .it's because of the following:

I mentioned a list in the beginning of this intro. I don't feel like sharing the list, but there is one item I thought it is worth sharing... .because it still baffles me: this didn't happen all the time, but my ex would go under some kind of competition mode when I am sick (physically). "I am sick too!", "I am SICKER than you". This also happened when I would break into tears. Her respond would be something like "I cried a lot more than you have", "You want me to die, don't you? I will kill myself right now.". I remember when I told her I really would like a break because I had a panic attack the previous night, and her response was "Why are you getting panic attacks. It's not fair!". (?) On another occasion, "Guess what, I am having panic attacks RIGHT NOW because of you!".

Would you say you experienced something like this?

I think this is my ex trying to maintain her victim position, which I gathered it is extremely important for her. I can really go on about this because this seems to be her main weapon. I do think she is a victim of something, and she deserve love she never got from her parents. But that's not something I can offer her anymore, and I could not deal with these blatant displays of victimhood. She sometimes bring in her hamster into the situation... .telling she tortured her hamster again because I turned her into a "monster". She is definitely in a bad place, but it was just exhausting. It's almost amazing what she is willing to accuse me over. Solitary confinement(?), torture, murder(?)... .rape... .leaving her alone with A CHILD(?). We never had a child. These are fictitious narrations she writes that are meant to express her intense emotional pain, but she tries to make me accept them as reality... .by throwing tantrum until I admit these strange accusations.



My current situation:

It has been about a year since I began attempting NC, and my ex has been trying to make me break it with harassment. I moved out of my apartment, and changed my email, etc, so things has been improving. But for a while the harassment was near-daily. I have no words for how I feel other than "I am exhausted". In the beginning, I broke NC numerous times, because NC just felt too cruel to do. So I pretty much proved to her that I breakdown eventually. I recently broke my longest NC attempt. I kept it for 3.5 month. I broke it because I sort of snapped. Her harassment methods include, various creative insults toward me and my sister, threats ("I will pay someone to hurt your family", spreading my photos, my sister's photos, spreading facebook accounts of my family in places I do not want her to, telling me what other people has been saying about me, strange pornographic stories of me raping/pleasuring my own sister and brother (my biggest What the heck), announcing infuriating assumptions and accusations publicly in online communities, etc. Hardly anyone actually responds to her, so that has been something I am going "PHEW" about, and no actual damage has occurred then maybe few friends whom my ex outed my sexuality, but I just... .I don't know. It's so constant. I've isolated myself from my friends, and I stopped doing things that used to make me happy. Besides going out to work, I am currently almost a shut-in. I am so ashamed that I broke NC. This can't be good for my ex either. She is unable to let go, and I keep responding to her. This feels like it will never stop.

I apologize if this post came out whiny. I have been making improvements slowly. Been getting help from a professional as well. I think I am moving forward despite some set backs like this. Her words affect me less than before. Again, my ex was never diagnosed. I will probably never find out. The fact that my ex even engaged in long-distance relationship seem very un-BPD to me.

I've been following this community for a while, reading other people's story, and I do realize things could've been much, MUCH worse. I heart goes out to all...

... .thank you for reading.

Hi evenGrid,

What you describe below in terms of competing is something that many people where have experienced in some form or another. As you have mentioned, it's quite difficult to pinpoint this specifically to a pwBPD but definitely can fall within being emotionally immature. It's usually linked with attention seeking behaviours and can go from the relatively simple to the extreme.

It doesn't necessarily have to be competition against you either, did you see this with your ex when anyone threatened to take your attention away from her?

The reason I ask is that my exBPDgf was diagnosed and pretty much everywhere we went the attention had to be on her. If it wasn't, it usually spelled trouble. It reached the point where she would try and upstage my children simply because the attention shifted away from her. The most extreme was last year when my eldest lost her grandfather and my focus was on supporting my daughter through a difficult time. She's only 14 so it was a pretty traumatic event for her but exBPDgf still tried to muscle in on the attention.

Again, like in your situation, I was extremely ill last year to the point I was hospitalised for 2 days because of a life threatening illness. My family were abroad at the time as were concerned to the point they were going to fly back but exBPDgf told them not to bother as she was there to look after me. Only the 2 days I was in hospital she never turned up and couldn't be contacted either. However, on the day I was released, she rang in tears because she had no money for a taxi, been out drinking and needed me to drive 70 miles to pick her up. Which foolishly I did. When she was ill though, even if it was just a cold, she required constant care and attention like her life depended on it.

So yes, it doesn't necessarily mean this is a symptom of BPD but it sounds like it's related to attention seeking.

As for your attempts at NC, you are doing a great job. NC isn't a hard and fast rule nor is it written in stone that you have to do it and it's to allow us the space to heal. We choose NC for that reason as it is only a choice. There may very well be days you do reach out and break NC and I can understand how that would make you feel and again, it's a choice not a requirement. When it comes to breaking a cycle, it's something many people find themselves caught up in. For example, someone wishing to quite smoking may very well have a moment of weakness a month down the line and have a cigarette. Some people see this as a failure and in turn go back to smoking again. Others may see this as a minor setback, remind themselves that they managed a whole month before this setback and push on to see if they can do longer the next time.

It's not easy either when you are being harassed on a daily basis. I've mentioned on a post earlier about how pwBPD (and people seeking attention) will often seek either positive or negative attention because any kind of attention is still an attachment. This can often be done by spreading lies, rumours, making you out to be the villain and them the victim because they may believe that if enough chaos is created you might reappear to set the record straight. It's difficult to deal with when you know that people are spreading rumours and lies not to rise up and defend yourself. It puts you in a very difficult position and in these cases it's understandable if you have broken NC to defend yourself but at the same time, it can be the reaction the other person wants.

It's not easy trying to avoid the game but with strength and time, it can get easier and your comments about her words affecting you less is testament that you are continuing along the right direction.

My exgf did similar. If we were talking about something and I dared to join in by sharing similar experiences she would criticise me for trying to out do her. We have very similar music tastes. She has been to loads of festivals and gigs where as I have only been to a few. She would put me down about music as she saw herself as an expert. If I corrected her or proved her wrong or disagreed she would lose it. Same with films.

I am fairly well travelled and spent several years living in Germany. She was an expert on Germany as she had a German boyfriend for a couple of months. When I once corrected her on a pronounciation she ripped into me throwing the fact that as she had been out with a German she knew better. The fact I had lived there for eight years and spoke a bit of German didnt mean anything.

They have to have these competitions to make them feel special to compensate for their empty worthless feelings.