BPDFamily.com

I'm new here. Im confused, I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I have been married for 3 years. It's not been easy! The arguing started 3 months after we married and he called me a freak. I threw my wedding ring at him and told him I wanted a divorce. We didn't I was just so shocked. He has been being treated for depression due to chronic back pain and 7 months ago he tried to commit suicide. He failed. We had lots going on he hadn't seen his family for 3 years (USA) his dad was ill. We was moving home and he was getting used to living in a new country. So we moved his mum visited and she was shocked at what she saw. She came to the GP with me to express her concearns ( his dad has bi-polar) he only got out of bed 5 times in the 4 weeks his mum was here. So I asked his GP for a psychiatrist appt as I was unsure of diagnosis and if he was on correct meds. Well we had that yesterday and I went in with him. We spoke about his anger, inability to maintain relationships, he flicks from being fine 1 minute to total rage the next second and I don't know why and it's normally at me. He told the psychiatrist he had been in DBT in USA and she wanted to know why that particular therapy and he said he had seen a psychiatrist there due to him not being able to maintain relationships. He is highly sensitive which she noted. She has changed his anti depressant to an SSRI and said that he has issues with emotion regulation ... .He will be referred to a complex needs group for long term therapy which will be a 3 year commitment which he is willing to do. He has been having weekly therapy since his suicide attempt and it has made a difference. Can anyone offer me any insight or tell me if the psychiatrist is saying he has the disorder or just traits? I'm in a bit of shock and not sure what I am meant to do. Thank you

Hello Jester20 and  *welcome*

This is a very confusing and upsetting time for you, as you try to sort out being in a relationship with a person with a mental illness. I want to assure you that you are in a supportive place to explore and find answers here. Please take a look at the the links on the right side of this page. I believe that Lesson 1 has several helpful resources for assessing whether or not your partner has BPD. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is used to treat people with BPD, so there is a good chance that your husband was considered/diagnosed with BPD or BPD traits in the USA.

When you have had a chance to read some of the behavioral traits of this disease, please check back in here and let us know if we can help you with confusion or specific questions that you may have. I know when I first learned of my wife's condition, I thought my world was crashing down around me. I can honestly say that the tools and resources on this site, as well as this incredibly supportive community, helped me to slow down the pain, steady my world and begin to learn how to move forward.

Please keep posting, and take care of your self in this really sensitive time. 

All I know is I feel I have had life sucked out of me. I have lost most of my savings. My family have little to do with me now. I am on anti depressants myself. My family feel I was 'conned' as when they met my husband and attended our marriage ( which they payed for) he was saying. I'm going to work full time, we will have a family etc etc. my family don't even know he tried to commit suicide we just don't discuss him when I visit them. Sometimes I feel I don't even care anymore because it is too much effort or drama. I'm just in a really bad place right now

Hi there Jester! I found that for me, the best way to garner a really good understanding of whats going on in my relationship with my pwBPD was to read all the books. "I hate you, don't leave me" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" are not only my two favorites, but probably the most dog-eared and tattered books I own at this point from reading, rereading, and then reading again. The best thing I've found, and what really gave me a sense of feeling like I was able to keep it together was educating myself. To understand that this has nothing to do with me, although I can trigger his behaviors accidentally. Another thing to remember is that if you're in this, there's a 99.9 percent chance that theres some things you're going to do that will trigger him. These things aren't the end of the world, unless they're coming from a place of your own skewed mental health(not saying that is the case, but I know I've gotten down during this and said or did something without really realizing that it could really make a mess) Thats why I've found that maintaining your own therapy, taking time for yourself, and really making sure you're ok before you go on making sure that he's ok. Yes, it sounds selfish to us non's, because generally we're the selfless ones. We're the givers. But don't lose sight of the fact that you deserve just as much self love and self respect as the love and respect that you give to your husband.

Do you have an open line of communication with his therapist? Could you call and ask her if she believes it to be BPD?