BPDFamily.com

Hi guys...

Just need to vent and maybe get some tips. Hubby has always had issues with all the places he has worked. Always complaining about someone... Constantly... It's like it's eating up his entire being! And then suddenly one day it stops... And that person is fine again... And I think... Always I think... .Who's next... Within a week...   We have someone new who's doing something wrong etc... .It's never-ending! He started a new job before Xmas and all has been going well. They suddenly the manager criticized him... Something small... Something that would have me go oh yeah I understand and get on with my day... .But not for him. The manager is now a b___... .Who is constantly picking on him and is trying to pick a fight with him according to.him. He said it's making him so stressed and he just cannot cope. Such a little criticism just leads to him just falling apart. How can I help? It's seriously causing me so.much anxiety that he may do.something stupid like quit or get angry or get fired! I'm so tired from being so anxious all day long when he is working with this situation... .

Any suggestions?

Be patient with him. Work can be miserable. People really are difficult to work with. Do you work? I would help carry the load financially so that it doesn't all fall upon his shoulders. My mom had the same job for 35 years. I would often ride with her, home from work. Where, she would need to vent. That's just normal! Listening to your loved ones vent, is part of the job of loving them. Keep supporting him and "validating" his feelings. And, encourage him to hang in there. Or, to switch jobs if he really is being treated cruelly. There are always abusive people around, making others miserable. Especially when you consider how many sociopaths are out and about (1 in 25 or so according to 'The Sociopath Next Door'. Also, just a lot of jerks that inhabit the workplace.

My ex wife who I had some BPD qualities (not sure it was many years ago) used to go from job to job in the same way. She would start a new gig and rave about how super it was and how nice her coworkers were and then a switch got flipped just like in your  husbands case. She never pointed out the pivotal moment but I suspect that like yours, someone had made some criticism and now that job and all the people there were painted black, her esteem for the job never recovered. Ultimately, she would quit and go off to another one.

Like most BPD's, my ex never once took ownership of bad situations or problems for which she was the cause. Rather, she was the victim and it cost her one job after the next. I think that they key with her retaining these positions would have been to embrace her own culpability and work towards not repeating the behavior. How to get there is another matter... .She still thinks that she is the only sane person in the world.

It sounds like you feel like you have to fix this for him. Why? Does he need you to fix this? Did he ask for help? Are you comfortable just providing validation of his feelings and letting him know that you are there for him if he wants help.Just throwing this out there to see if you have thought about "you" in this situation in addition to him and his problem.

My dBPDh is consistently employed but he 'leaves' jobs often by invitation from his managers or because he falls out of idealisation with the people. I notice that work follows the same cycle as any other relationship, with the idealisation phase and then being painted black after he stops being the shiny new kid on the block who's being adored. I think when our partner gets fired often or leaves jobs its normal to be on edge. We all thrive when there is security and being fired threatens financial security. Maybe there's something you can do to build some financial independence or buffer to reduce your anxiety?

How can you help him? Really, it's his job to help himself and your job to help yourself. If it's getting you down, you could consider putting some limits on those conversations to look after yourself. Helping someone to your own detriment isn't self-helpful. The communication tools on this site might help you learn ways of listening differently so when you want to listen it goes better for you and he. My husband sees a therapist so when he starts looping with the same conversation I 'help' by prompting him to consider if its something he might want to work through with his therapist.