BPDFamily.com

My BPDw has continuously been verbally abusive whenever she gets into a bad mood or is stressed out. She uses me as her emotional bat. I have countered many a time to say that what she has said is BS. Yet, she has conveniently forgotten thinking that I too have conveniently forgotten. So, I know many of you and I are in the same predicament. We have read lessons here and gotten support and validation here to hang in there, and this is exceptionally important.

This is hard to admit, though. Even with me countering what she says, I have been brainwashed. Sure, she tries to counter herself by preparing meals, but the verbal abuse has been so extensive, that I really am feeling worthless personally. Professionally, I really am enjoying myself, and that has been my saving grace.

So, it is like I have a dual persona, and so many of you may feel the same way. So, how do you "unbrainwash" yourselves? Sure, you can go to counseling. You can encourage your BPDs to go with you, but in both instances, it only is as effective as the BPD's mood swings.

For me, it's establishing an area of the house that is off limits when she's in her zone. I won't talk to her, and she won't talk to me. This is a lot better than when we used to verbally attack each other (when I didn't know she had a problem). Worst case, go grab a hotel room somewhere, turn off your phone. She will try to bait you - the odd email, phone call where you think she's no longer in the zone, but in reality, once you realize that she's still in it, acknowledge her feelings, give her a hug, let her have the last word, and go back to an area that you feel safe in. That's my tactic anyways, but hey this is my 4th post, so... .

Hey Sam S., I suggest taking steps to avoid isolation.  It's easy to lose perspective in a BPD r/s.  Reach out to friends and family members.  One of the classic techniques of brainwashing is to isolate the subject.  Those w/BPD are good at making it difficult for we Nons to maintain normal social relationships, so it may be an uphill battle for you at the outset.  That's OK, just be steadfast and determined.  LuckyJim

And read and read and then read some more. . .

When I am feeling out of sorts, I will go do Internet searches on verbal abuse and the cycle of abuse. I read all of the symptoms and effects and I will remind myself that I am having a very normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Going to work helps too! When I wasn't working over the holidays, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Keep a journal!  It has helped me figure out long running issues as well as know that she is the one that is mistaken or trying to convince me there are five lights instead of four.

Hi Samuel,  Just like you, i have been verbally abused by my uBPDh.  I can empathize.  It really hurts and just right out sucks!  Also, like you, i believed myself to be at the mercy of his mood swings.  But, actually, I was giving away my power. I was choosing to put up with that behavior which was unaceptable.  I am not going to kid you and say that his mood swings don't affect me, but i am letting them affect me less.  I am practicing alternatives to just sticking around and taking it.

I have been taking steps to get myself unstuck from this cycle of nonsense.  I left home for about one month after a particularly frightening rage episode.  Scary threats and name calling, yelling, etc.  being away that long with very, very little contact allowed me the room to separate myself not only physically, but mentally and emotionally from my H.  Having been in this relationship for over 30 years, i was deeply enmeshed.

I moved back home, but living in a different part of the house.  I just kept doing things for myself and letting him take care of his own stuff.  I always thought he wouldn't survive very well without me, but surprise, surprise all of those things he insisted i do for him, he now is doing for himself.  He frequently complained about my cooking, shopping, etc.  now he has nobody but himself to blame if it isn't done the way he wants it.

When i told my T all the responsibilities i was handling in our r/s and she asked does he have a disability that keeps him from doing these things for himself?  That was a lightbulb moment for me.  Duh - why was I taking on most of the responsibilities?

He reports enjoying getting up earlier and getting himself off to work. 

Also, I rarely socialized without him, and if I did i was nervous about rushing home.  Often, he was angry when I got home no matter what. Recently,  i have been enjoying activities that i choose for myself.  I ususally invite him, but he is not interested.   He complains about being alone.  I try to change the subject and that usually works.  If it doesn't work, I excuse myself and rejoin him when the FOG (pun intended) has cleared.

I got some of these ideas from the book "Stop Caretaking the BPD or

NPD in You Life". This book is full of great stuff.   

Also, i have learned to refrain from JADEing.  When I first read that i wondered "what the heck? ". It stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  I don't know if this is your case, but my h would begin to argue, criticize and question me I would try to JADE.  Of course I am analytical and would just want to prove that I hadn't intended to anger him.  It rarely, if ever, helped.  Now I don't try it.  Again, I change the subject, excuse myself, etc. 

Ideally, i would love to have the ability to rationally discuss something with him, but I am accepting the reality that it just won't happen very often. 


In the past two months I have changed, and in turn our relationship has changed.  Like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football, I tried over and over again to believe that he would somehow he would see how much the name calling, etc hurt and would find a way to stop.  Now i see that he probably will not decide to change, but I will take steps to protect my emotional health and my self esteem from that abuse. 

I think you can find a way to "unbrainwash" yourself.  You don't deserve it.  Prepare yourself for the next mood swing because it is coming.