BPDFamily.com

I posted a few weeks ago about exN/BPDw starting to resurface for a re-engagement attempt. It isn't anything new as I've been NC for 3 years and until May/June last year it was a monthly thing. Around this time all attempts stopped and it took a couple of months before I could finally take my eye off the ball. In December I noticed a profile that had been checking out my FB page, it was her name and her eldest daughters birthday so I knew she was starting to resurface again. My FB page is locked down tight so no information can get out and the only friends requests I can receive are friends of friends and not strangers. As we had no mutual friends and live in different countries, it was impossible for her to reach out this way.

Then 2 days before her birthday in January, my sister got a few messages from her asking for contact details in case there was an "emergency" after my sister failed to respond, she then got another message demanding she answer the questions. Again, this demand went ignored.

So on to today when I was having a nice day out with my daughters and both of my youngest (d10 and d4) both asked me about my exN/BPDw's daughters. When I asked them why they were asking, it appears that d10 got a friends request through from her "daughters" Now here's the issue with it, her eldest is only 9 years old. My ex would never allow her on FB or anything internet related unless supervised and strictly for homework. Her d9 didn't even know she had a FB account and that's because she didn't. My exN/BPDw used that account to spy on her exbf (her daughters father) who also funnily enough went strictly NC and moved to the opposite side of the country before 2nd daughter was born. I found out from her that protection doesn't work because he used protection and she still ended up pregnant which I strongly believe was faked. The first time I broke off the r/s (before we were even married) due to it being too intense and controlling, she claimed she was pregnant and by the time I'd flown back out there, she then claimed she had miscarried and it was all my fault. No evidence of her ever going to see a doctor though and insane rages if I ever asked for proof of anything she was telling me.

So, my daughter has befriended what she believes to be her daughter only then to be told that her 2 daughters are my children's sisters. Yes, they were step-sisters when we were married but at that time I had no access to my children so they never knew who each other was. I was in the middle of mediation at the time I was married to get access to my children as it was stopped abruptly as soon as exgf got herself a new boyfriend.

So why now, after 3 years of being divorced and having no further connection to my exN/BPDw does she suddenly appear and tell my children that they have a family out in her country? Why the sudden interest in my children? And why are my children asking me about their "sisters"?

I spoke to a police officer friend of mine who knows and understands all I went through several years ago as he went through a similar marriage too. The issue I have is that there is nothing legally that can be done right now at this point. For starters, the law is across 2 very different countries. There is nothing abusive being said (or at least I get the impression it's not) it's impossible to prove deception because she can say that it is her daughter's profile and nobody can prove otherwise. Lastly, it also gives her a way in to start sending me messages and friends requests as it's now a friend of a friend.

I'm just really annoyed today at the fact that exN/BPDw can stoop to the level of bringing my children (and hers) into her twisted little games just to attempt a re-engagement, especially to the point of telling my children they have sisters, that technically aren't and enticing my children into believing we are all still one big happy family. I'm just thankful d14 isn't falling for any of it and wants to keep well away from it as she at least knows the truth.

I'm sorry for what you and you're family are going through.

It's difficult to understand the motives behind someone with a distorted belief system.

I agree it's stooping low with communicating with your kids that they are her sisters. My guess there's something going on in her life.

There's no legal repercussion being in different countries.

I'm sorry if I have this wrong. Your exN/BPDw daughters are step sisters to your daughters? I'm guessing the r/s was estranged?

How did your kids feel with the friend request and the news?

Mutt,

You are correct, exN/BPDw's daughters were step sisters to my daughters, though given the fact contact had been cut off with my own children, only ex's eldest knew about my girls (youngest was too young to understand) likewise my own children were not allowed to know anything about having step sisters.

The only one who had any awareness and involvement was d14. Her mother and my ex had a friendship (still do) and d14 was included with her step sisters. Though even she didn't feel comfortable with the family and thought there was some weirdness she didn't like. After the divorce d14 cut all ties herself with exN/BPDw and her step sisters although her mother still maintains a relationship with exN/BPDw. This doesn't bother me though, because she chooses who her friends are and also she is a non so has a firm boundary that my ex is not allowed to ask or discuss anything about me and vice versa.

As for d10 and d4, I think they have mixed feelings. I know part of the excuse d10 and d4's mother told them was that I replaced them with 2 other children and didn't want anything to do with them. I've mentioned previously that their mother went from r/s to r/s giving the title "dad" to whoever was sleeping in her bed at the time. So in this past month, d4 has had to be told that I'm her father, she's met her sister d14 who was also cut out of their life and met her grandmother, who again was cut out of her life too. So to d4, she is finding she has new family so this is merged in there.

Again, d14 knows everything, knows what happened with her sisters because she was cut out too when she was only 11. She also knows that abandoning d10 and d4 was a lie because not only was she included in everything but her and her mothers attempts to keep contact were met in the same way. If exN/BPDw tries to contact her in any way, she would ignore it.

d10 is the concern because was taught to believe she was abandoned for another child, something d14 has talked to her a lot about recently. So it's opened up some young wounds for her and I suppose she has concerns because now that I have won my fight for access and we are back together as a family again, the timing of them turning up I guess poses some concerns given what she was led to believe by her mother.

Ripped H,

My ex, post break up tried adding my d14 to her Facebook and thought she saw me with another woman on my motorcycle and called my son crying her eyes out!  I was on my way home from work in my car at the time,  I recently broke NC and she even tried the guilt tactic on me asking me to tell my daughter that she is sorry her relationship with my daughter did not work but it's my fault!  I guess in her mind her empty promises that let my daughter down did not count. I think they will try anything, The part of this disorder I still have trouble understanding is why would she want to reengage with someone so desperately that she has expressed extreme hatred towards?

Well... .if nothing else, this all confirms how sick she truly is. Nothing is sacred with these people.

That's the twisting I find the most difficult. I recall when married to exN/BPDw, she would often use her own children as pawns, sometimes as a guilt trip and other times to beat me into submission over something. To her it was like using a human shield and I know for a fact her d9 was terrified of her mother because I was actually physically assaulted the day I actually told her. She would use her daughter to pick fights, create chaos and cause disruption, not just with me but anybody that wronged her (or didn't just depending how she felt that day)

In your case, it's not for you to tell your daughter anything, it's a projection and a guilt trip because if she wanted a relationship with your daughter and your daughter wanted one with her, that's entirely between them. The fact of the matter is she is not taking responsibility for her own actions and that should be firmly left on her doorstep.

I also find that when our ex's come out with comments or play stunts, it's validation for us that they are no better than they were when we were in that relationship. They haven't been able to heal and move on, still stuck in the same place in the same cycles and further reasons why we should never go back.

It all boils down to MASSIVE self-centeredness.  When I saw it for its essence... .it was truly repulsive!   

If your daughter is 10 then firstly she isn't old enough to have a fb account, but given that she has then an adult should be controlling who she does and doesn't friend.  Remove and block the 'friend' if not already done. 

This is true Lolster and it's something I initially had reservations around too given the age she was when it was created. Once I heard why, it broke my heart but I understood.

A few years ago, when d10's mother stopped me seeing my children, there was no way for us to be in contact. My ex's sister was also quite disgusted at these events so the account was created by her and my daughter so that we had a means of being able to communicate. Initially, the only time d10 was able to use this account was when she was with her aunt and had no access to it outside of that. I would get little random messages here and there and she also used it to play games with me.

It was how me and d10 were able to communicate over the year we had no contact with each other. Had it not been of ex's sister, things could have been much worse. The other thing we had was ClubPenguin where me and d10 were able to meet and talk as little avatars and play games with each other. That's the length my daughter went to keep contact after her mother stopped it and it was all thanks to her aunt, so I was never going to question the FB account being set up.

Roll on a couple of years and her mother has the account details. I know from an event this week that she uses it to spy on me because she kicked up a fuss about a post I had on my page, believing it was about her. I don't air dirty laundry and to be honest I rarely post anything on my page. A friend of mine has just got his daughter back after a nasty divorce and I made a comment about his situation and that the law is eventually recognising mothers who deny fathers access to their children, mostly out of spite and resentment and that there should be harsher penalties for those who continue to do so. So I know she uses the account to spy. As the details are in her hands now, I know d10 isn't as controlled as she was with her aunt, partly I think so d10's mother can use d10 to spy and report anything she feels she could use against me.

Why? Because a couple of years ago Social Services were involved after d10's mother posted photos on FB of her pushing a bottle of a vodka drink into the mouth of d2 (at the time) and laughing as she did it, along with pics of d2 drinking from an open can of beer. The fact that Authorities were involved based on her FB postings, I'm certain she is looking for something on mine to try and report out of revenge. The only difference is that I did what I did out of concern for the welfare of my girls, she is trying to do that out of revenge for landing herself in trouble. I never took the pics, I didn't force her into doing that and I certainly didn't post them up on FB for all to see.

Ahh, that explains the fb account, and I agree that it's awful when mothers use the children and stop access out of spite.

But your d10 has informed you about this directly?  If so then I'm sure you can have the conversation about blocking the new 'friend' without going into too much detail?  If I've read it right then d10's mum is not the exBPD, who is the one you are actually trying to avoid?  Surely now you do have contact your d10 can be prompted to log in and go through the block process whilst she is in your care, whether or not her mother has her log in details.