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I just wonder sometimes if unlike all his other failed short term relationships, our 4 year one, or specifically me MEANT something to him. Above all the others.

How do BPDs feel about us long term relationship stayers and caretakers?

Also struggling with knowing since he was a child and diagnosed with Dyslexia- if there is a later in life predisposition to BPD.   

|iiii Thanks

Hi, WaifuoftheWaif.

I made a thread very similar to this one not too long ago. I highly recommend giving it a read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240843.0

 

Hi, Waif, and welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry you've gone through such a painful experience with your exBPDbf.  

pwBPD are like everyone else in that different relationships impact them in different ways. BPD doesn't rob someone of the ability to feel love and attachment.

I'm sure that your relationship meant something to your exbf. A lot of the worst BPD behavior is triggered by intimacy and feelings of love -- this reopens their core wounds and triggers their deep-seated fears of abandonment/engulfment.


Why is this in particular important to you?

You are a person of value and worth, regardless of what your exbf might or might not think/feel.

Take this time now to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. You deserve your own love and compassion.  

Its important to me because it was my first relationship and it had gone on so long, i want it to have meant something for how long and how much i put into it. If that makes sense. I want a return on my investment of so long...

Waif I struggled hard with the same question if I meant something to my ex.  The short answer is YES.  The thing is a pwBPD attaches in an infantile way so it is sort of like you become like their parent. 

You almost certainly meant a great deal to him and in his mind he probably felt that he loved you deeply, however it was a needy type of love, not what I would call real love. A child doesn't really love a parent, he needs them and there is a big difference so yes, what blim says is true, they "loved" but in an infantile way. The problem is that with a pwBPD its a one way street. In a healthy relationship both people express their love by giving to their partner, in a r/s with a pwBPD, they are just having their needs met, they are so self absorbed that they cannot "give" to you. Your life, your feelings, your needs don't come into the picture, all they can think about are their needs. My definition of love is giving so bearing that in mind I don't believe they actually loved us, but they did need us and we did mean a great deal to them. Of course, if you have a different definition of love you might well believe that they loved us. Need is not love, IMHO.

My educated guess would be that you meant something during the relationship but after they've moved on they do their best to erase you from memory.

We mean something to them, I think.  But as others have said, it is not the same type of feeling we had.  

I remember my birthday.  She had a day planned where we'd drive to a neighboring large city and spend the day.  So that she would not have to add 1.5 hours to her drive time, that morning I suggest a driving scheme where we drop her car off at her house first (which is on the way).  She is okay with it, it seems.  However, she later informed me that she was mad at me most of the day because she did not want to drive that morning at all and I "made" her drive for 45 minutes.  Most normal people do not remain silent over a minor decision but then harbor resentment the entire day during someone's birthday celebration.  If someone means something to you, by my definition, then you get over things like that pretty quickly.