BPDFamily.com

Hi, I am new to this site, but have found some very helpful information here. I have not seen anything regarding meltdowns yet. My 18 year old daughter has been having some very intense, painful and scary meltdowns about once a week that appear to be due to feelings of percieved or potential abandonment by bf. She goes into a rage over the phone screaming hateful remarks at him, namecalling, panic attacks/cant catch breath, and yells and cries that she does not know what to do, this can last for an hour or two. This all started about 1 year ago, at the same time she began struggling with symptoms of depression and ADHD. About 3 months ago she cut herself pretty badly and went inpatient for 3 days. I was wondering if anyone else is going through this and has any information re what to do exactly... .so far i have been trying to be there for her, sitting with her, telling her to breathe, telling her she is going to be ok trying to be supportive, etc... .However, i was told that i should not be intrusive nor try to rescue her, but let her learn thru natural consequences that this behavior is not working for her. Does anyone have any healthy ways of dealing with these behaviors? She is seeing a therapist but she is not trained in DBT or schema therapy. I could really use some help, this is so painful and is consuming our lives  

Hi brookie 


Glad you are here looking for information!

Sorry to learn that your d18 is having such intense emotional episodes on a regular basis.  This must be scary for both of you.   

During times of high emotional reaction the best things you can do are:

Remain calm

Be present

Validate her feelings

Ask validating questions (if she calms down)

Ask if she wants to talk about it

What to avoid:

Becoming emotionally reactive yourself

Telling her how to feel (or not feel)

Telling her what she needs to do

Leave

Act indifferent (say nothing)

Sometimes we mistake our children's negative reactions or lack of positive responses to mean that we are doing something wrong or unhealthy.   This isn't always the case.  Sometimes... .even when we have done everything we are able to in the best possible and healthy way it doesn't help in the moment. 

We do the best we can and create opportunities and then we let go of the outcome. 

Does your daughter ever direct her anger or blame towards you brookie? 

lbj

Ibjn... .Thank you for the helpful information. No she has only lashed out at me one time several months ago. Its always toward her bf. Im wondering if she is really angry at me for not being there in the way she needed from 0 to 5 yo (maybe not validating enough), and that instead of directing her anger at me, she internalizes it and then takes it out on herself and also her bf, since she cant seem to "go there" with me. if this is the case it seems like therapy would help her to be able to identify and express what her real rage is about and express it directly with me... .and then she would not have the meltdowns and be doing better all around. What do you think about this idea? Thank you

Therapy is a good choice.  Misdirected anger can be difficult to identify source wise for most... .even more so for adolescents, teens and young adults.

Therapy can help her deal with her emotions in a healthy way and when she is able to identify correctly her emotions and better cope with them then she may be able to uncover the source of them.  For most who suffer from the traits of BPD the underlying issue is fear of abandonment.  At this age (12-25) I would guess, our kids are most closely attached to their peers and significant others (this is natural) so that is where their fears are likely to stem from.

Have you  had a chance to look at the tools and lessons yet? 

lbj

Ibj... .ty for your response, it makes sense. I will look for the tools and lessons section. ty

They are to the right of this page (closer to the top so scroll up) -------------->