BPDFamily.com

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An older women drops her purse and a man scurries by without helping.

What's your first thought? He’s self-absorbed and doesn’t help others?

When you were in a similar situation, what was the reason? "I had to wait six weeks for that doctors appointment and ... ."

Why are we so quick to blame the character of others but attribute situational circumstances when we do the same thing. It's called attribution bias.

We all have it.

In psychology, an attribution bias or attributional bias is a cognitive bias that refers to the systematic errors made when we evaluate or try to find reasons for our own and others' behaviors. People constantly make attributions regarding the cause of their own and others’ behaviors; however, attributions do not always accurately mirror reality.

Rather than operating as objective perceivers, people are prone to perceptual errors that lead to biased interpretations of their social world.

• How do you rate the attribution bias in your relationship?

 

• Can you give an meaningful example of attribution bias?

 

• How can we correct for attribution bias?

 

This is a good one. I think we tend to personalize things and attribute a motive to them. If our spouse has a grim look on his face, or seems pre-occupied, then we think  he is mad at me or ignoring me. Maybe he ate something that doesn't agree with him and his stomach is hurting.

This has happened numerous times. I would fall asleep early in the evening because I was up all night with a kid the night before and my H would think I was avoiding him and rejecting him.

For me, growing up with a mother with BPD, I learned to read faces. If mom was unhappy, I assumed it was my fault and that I would be in trouble. I had a hard time understanding that if my H was angry, it was not necessarily about me. Or if he didn't do something I asked him to, it may not be because he was angry at me.

There is what happened, and then the story we make up about what happened. The latter can wreck havok on relationships.

The man who doesn't help the woman who dropped the purse-

Maybe he doesn't see well and didn't see it.

Maybe he is on probation for a crime and doesn't want to be accused of taking it.

Maybe he has autism and doesn't know what to do.

Maybe he is preoccupied because of something stressful going on in his life... .

Could be a number of reasons.

Attribution bias is still present... .but getting better.  A big concept that I had to take onboard this past summer (in family T) was the concept of not taking it personally... .I honestly had never considered it before.  I always figured it I was being spoken to and if it was hateful speech... .that of course I should take it personally.  I would bristle up and defend.

Now... .my thinking is... .(this is a big outrageous for example... but I have had similar things said to me)

Wife:  " I know that you hate me and you are in love with that woman... ."

Old me:  "How can you know that... .I've never seen that woman... I gave you flowers yesterday... .blah blah blah"

New me:  "Sorry you feel that way... .I'm getting some ice water... .would you like me to bring you some too"  I concentrate on not "reacting" and staying even.  Before speaking I examine my heart and my mind... .and if I don't feel or think the way I'm being "accused"  Then I know for sure that it is not about me... .I shouldn't take it personally... .and I should be supportive of my wife working through her issues.

How do we correct for attribution bias? 

Boy... .that is a good question.  First... .is the issue we are correcting "real"... .objectively an issue (there is actually a check that was cashed... .money was spent... .)... .or is the entire thing debatable... .(such as my example above... .no part of that is ever provable)

Personally... .if it is completely debatable... .I will clearly state my position... .and usually allow that there may be others with different opinions.

If there is a "factual" part to it... .and we are only talking about motivation.  Why was the check written?  Then I try to slow things down... .acknowledge my first thoughts... .my first reaction... .while thinking about other possibilities.  Then I will try to ask an open ended question... .without suggesting an answer or a direction that I am thinking.  (much easier said than done)

Not sure if I'm on the right track here... .but those are my initial thoughts...

Fascinating Skip, I wasn't aware there was an actual term for this.  Although, have experienced it numerous times :light:


I would rate it as definitely getting better, whereas in the past a lot of our ways of being together were due do initial reactions of attribution bias.


We had plans for a weekend that were my suggestion.  As the weekend approached, he wanted to change the plans to something that suited him better.  My initial thoughts were, "Why do we always have to do what he wants?  He's so controlling!"  This was before even hearing his explanation, that something "global" came up at work that he had to be available for at an odd time.  I don't have a global position, so didn't really get it or want to believe it at first.  The desire to do what I wanted overtook his reason in a flash.  Who was being controlling (at least in thoughts) initially?




Don't assume.  Pause and listen, to stop the blame-loop.  Ask questions.  Try to understand and empathize with where they're coming from.  In the example that I gave above, there have been times that I've had to change plans because something came up.  I would think he was out of his mind and a big baby if he accused me of being controlling for "always" doing what I want to do, before even hearing me out.

I've saved myself (and him) a lot of unnecessary drama by simply pausing.

I was just talking about this with my therapist last week in relation to codependency. 

There are many times when I stand up or sigh or rub my forehead, and my wife's first reaction is, "What's wrong?"  As exasperating as it can be, a simple explanation of, "I'm going to the kitchen.  Would you like me to get you something?" or "I'm just breathing.  Would you like me to stop?" (said playfully and generally received as such) or "I'm just tired, honey."

Old me would get ticked off at constantly being questioned about my every move.

This is something I try to avoid, to the point where I feel like I'm never right.     

I've made the mistake of trying to discuss this as relates to my SO's feelings and insights into other people (and the anger at them).   For instance, "maybe that person is just lost in their own world and not purposely ignoring you" or "maybe the person just had a bad day." 

I'm not sure if it's a function of age, or several years of dealing with BPD behavior, but I tend to believe the worst in people I don't know immediately, and then soften on reflection.  It fills me with tremendous guilt, but also makes me feel that much more lost because I feel ungrounded everywhere I look.   It's as though nothing can believed. 

I need to work on this.   It's funny how you can go from truly not being upset about anything to angry because you're not believed.     

There are several things that have to be taken into account regarding attribution bias. The main one is past experience-yours or yours in tandem with someone else. If your past experience would be to help someone who dropped their purse, you wonder why someone else wouldn't. When I was 16, a woman on a crowded sidewalk was trying to put her wallet in her purse and missed. She didn't notice. I did, picked up the wallet and went running through a crowd after her, oblivious to the fact that I had just left my family wondering what the heck I was doing and possibly getting myself lost. When something is so ingrained into your personality that you cannot fathom thinking a different way, it's confusing to see someone else behaving in an alternate fashion at that time. Upon further reflection, you might go through all the different scenarios that might have caused what you consider an aberration.

However, you have never had any interaction with the man on the street who does not stop to help, so often you have no previous experience to cause bias. You give "the benefit of the doubt". With a friend or family member, that is different. If past experience tells you that when your spouse feels out of control at work, they then try to control everyone at home, when they tell you that things are out of control at work, you assume the control game is on it's way. Because it has always happened that way. This would cause a greater chance for attribution bias, just based on past interactions.



After the last discussion we had, it would appear that often we both have no idea what the other one is actually saying. For us, it's as simple as his color purple is my color blue. Literally. At first, I assumed he was doing it to annoy me. But we just didn't call the same color the same thing. It almost seems like our entire communication is that way some days.


No birthday gift.

First thought is "I'm not important enough to remember on my birthday" or "He doesn't love me enough to get me anything".

Actual reality: he forgot. He forgot when my birthday was, what day it was that day, where he put his belt that morning, his phone when he left for work. It was just one of those days/weeks when he was so busy at work, he'd have forgotten anything not attached.

• Ask. We solved the birthday one early on when, instead of being upset, I said ":)id you know it was my birthday today?" He got very angry saying I should know he doesn't remember things, but I stopped it with "When you tell me you don't remember things, I remember that. But I have such faith in you that I forget you don't remember." He put my birthday in his online calendar and while I don't always get a present, I at least get a Happy Birthday and dinner.



• Assume the best instead of the worst. Assume that you misunderstood what was happening. Then go back to "ask".
  
  

There are times when I'm not sure what would work, though. One thing we never got right was when there were plans for a family trip. We would all decide where we wanted to go. I would ask what everyone wanted to do. Kids would give their input but H would not. He wouldn't contribute to the plans no matter how many times I asked. I (years) later found out he would talk about the plans to people at work, but not his family. Someone at work would mentioned someplace to go, and H decided that's the place to go, but didn't mention it to family. We would get there, with plans in hand, and H has decided we all have to go to *place work friend mentioned*. When we'd say, "but we decided to go *here*", he would get all moody and mad at us all for not doing what he wants. This happened EVERY time. Asking why he wanted to go to that place or offering to rearrange a different day got us nowhere. So our attribution bias based on past experience tells us all that he is going to be moody and mad on a trip, and we have no idea why because he won't tell us. (the kids stopped wanting to go on trips-go figure).

I can relate to the trip thing.

Each year, I would plan and arrange a family trip.

For so many of them, out of the blue, my H would dysregulate, give me the ST or something and I never knew why. On one of them, he didn't speak to me for days.

It was worse if any of the trips were related to me working- and I had a meeting but also had family time.

I decided I would not bring him or the kids to any work related meeting and eventually didn't even go on them. It was just too miserable to enlist his cooperation- watching the kids at home or away.

Now, even though we have some happy memories of the vacations, even seeing pictures of the place, and old pictures of us brings back sadness for me.

I don't like to take trips with him and have stopped planning them as much. It seems like long car trips and being in an hotel has so many triggers.  I recall that we used to have a more active social life because I was enthusiatically making plans and looking forward to them, but as time went on, there were so many disappointments. Ironically, he remembers them as better times than I do.

Sigh... .yeah, I get that... .