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Hi. I posted last week. We got back together but the push/pull cycle is stronger than ever. Do I ask for a break (I still don't want to lose her,I know that seems off but for our first year together she was mostly great, it's been since our year anniversary this past November that she's getting worse and worse, like the dam cracked in her facade and it's just gushing) or do I break it off completely?  Thank you for your help.

Only you can know what it is you need.  I can understand the need for a break.  I get torn by this myself and had to squash the desire many times in the past few months to run away for a few days to get that break.  Instead, I'm taking more and more time for myself and not apologizing for it.  I've been clear with my uBPDh who IS trying to understand and work on his stuff that I need time to heal and work on myself while he is working on himself in order for us to possibly make it for the long term.  I've also put in place boundaries that I never had before (or was wishy washy about) and laid out consequences for not honoring them. 

Thank you. I've tried to set boundaries in the past and she says "ok" and then just can't do it. Makes me feel so guilty about doing my own thing. Last night I told her I was really sick and just couldn't come over ... .she had to throw out guilt comments. But she can cancel me on a moments notice with no thought of me. I'm so exhausted. Her behavior / actions demonstrate she just doesn't care for me like I do her. I'm so so tired. My work is suffering.

I should add. She makes me feel clingy but I'm so not. I just want a relationship like it's been 1.5 years. She makes me feel like we just started dating all the time.

break it off completely! remember a borderline in a relationship manoeuvre through three phases; we all know what they are : idealization, devaluation, and discard. for a BPD completing these three phases is self-fulfilling prophecy. that is how they are wired you cannot fix them. you said she is getting worse and worse like the dam cracked in her face, and she makes you feel clingy; of course because these are all BPD's behavior intended to break you down and drains you emotionally and physically, break it off before she does it to you when she is about to perform phase three(discard) and go complete no contact rules and disappear from her kingdom or she will hurt more and more...

     i have to agree with zeus, i think you are about to reach phase 3 here. time to start thinking about an exit strategy. slowly cutting the ties or all out at once and go nc.  gotta think of your own mental health since she wont. sounds like shes about devalued you to the point of no return. its inevitable. its just about over, so make it on your terms and begin to focus on yourself to heal. thats my 2 cents.     |iiii

Hi ripps,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this with your gf.

Michelle called it in her response to you -- only you can make the decision to stay or leave. Many on these boards have been where you are now, myself included. What you wrote here brought back many memories for me -- 


In all new r-ships, there's a reasonable and acceptable period of time when each partner is still trying to "figure out" the other one. Not arguing that it's a real healthy or always productive thing to do -- only that it's normal, as two people get to know each other and, particularly if they are developing strong feelings for each other, that they are trying to determine whether or not they can move forward with the r-ship -- in other words, whether the r-ship will be healthy and good for them. Particularly if either partner has ever survived an unhealthy r-ship, this phase is to be expected.

But, at some point in a committed, ongoing r-ship b/t two people, the constant questioning and wondering needs to stop, no? I'm sure it varies by people, history, personality and r-ship -- but at some point, trust has to kick in, and both parties need to be able to accept it and relax.  At least for me, that's pretty much key to my willingness -- and I daresay ability -- to consider taking any romantic relationship to the next level. My ex gf was continually questioning my motives, intentions, commitment, love -- you name it -- there wasn't a single broad "relationship category" that wasn't under continual monitoring ans scrutiny. She made me feel like I was part of a HS bio lab dissection assignment. And she'd demand to know when I planned to marry her -- and every time, I responded that I wouldn't know until I was ready, and I wouldn't be ready until I felt like we'd established a solid foundation of mutual trust and love. And that, in the end, was the deal-breaker -- because she couldn't do that. I do believe it was because she suffers from BPD, or NPD, or some acute-ish clusterbee disorder -- but the only thing I was privy to was a Dx of bipolar. She wouldn't every admit to anything beyond that -- though she implied that a past therapist had suggested dissociative identity disorder some 20 years ago. And then she routinely would attribute all of her behaviors to other physical maladies, and claim that she was perfectly normal emotionally. Honest to God, I can;t believe I put up with it for as long as I did -- and it was only about 3 years. Which, to me, isn't all that long -- certainly long enough to know, and to be hurt -- but if you were to talk to her, you'd think we'd been married for 50 years without a single unhappy day and I up and left her without a single warning. Madness, ripps. It's madness. Whatever your choice, hang in there.