BPDFamily.com

I am raising 5 children, two are my biological children and three are siblings that are the biological children of a diagnosed BPD mother and an undiagnosed mentally ill father.  The children were in and out of foster care until placed with us a year ago.  The two younger children appear to be adapting well and their behavior has been within normal ranges.  The oldest is only 5 years old, but displays very concerning behaviors that we believe may be indicative of BPD.  We are well aware that he is too young for a diagnosis, but we are struggling with his behavior and are looking anywhere and everywhere for help.  Given we continue to maintain a relationship with the bio mom, we had previously done a great deal of research on BPD.  I have read a lot about how some adults with BPD behaved as children and there are many similarities.  Simply put, he seems to have learned the absolute best ways to get under your skin... .  He acts manipulative, impulsive, disobedient, irrational, belligerent, etc on a near constant basis.  He requires an enormous amount of our energy - much more than the other children.  I grew up in a large family and have raised my two bio children from birth and I have never encountered behavior like his.  We are looking for any and all help, advice, information, anything to assist us in offering him an environment that can help him heal from the abuse he has suffered and help him learn to deal with any mental health issues he faces.

Hi mommaoffive!

Glad to have you here as a new member. 

You certainly have your hands full. 

A few questions... .

Are the foster siblings participating in any kind of therapy?  Play?

What sort of abuse and neglect has the 5 year old suffered? 

Does he have any contact with his biological mother?  If so... do you notice this having an affect on his behaviors?

Is he physically abusive to the other children in the home?

I understand that he can't be diagnosed BPD at his age... .and most likely he can't even be diagnosed with traits of the disorder.  Probably at his age looking at RAD could give you some points of  action to consider.

Universally, we all need validation.  Validation is an affective communication technique that can help diffuse intense emotions, intense emotional reactions, and model healthy behaviors for all who witness and participate.  We have a lot of information on Validation in the Tools to the right of the page.

I look forward to your reply and finding ways to help.  Support for self and self care are critical when we have so much responsibility.  How do you take care of yourself mommaoffive?

lbj

I wanted to add my own   *welcome*


BPD mamas really struggle in being mamas, the lack of skills as a mom can often manifest issues when it comes to the kiddos.  

This article really helps explain the BPD affects on the children: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm

It really helps to understand that he's probably found these coping skills along the way and that there is so much that can be done to help him with this path that he's on.

I echo a lot of lbj's questions --- I'm sure there is a therapist involved?

Welcome to our little family. :)

--DG

Answers to your questions... .

Are the foster siblings participating in any kind of therapy?  Play?

None of the children are in therapy at this time.  The younger siblings are 1 year and 3 years.  We plan to see a therapist once we get back home.  We've been traveling this winter.  The change in routine really exacerbated the problems and made us see things more clearly.  We found a clinic that will see him.

We had been hesitant to seek therapy as he was being medicated when we got custody.  He was acting drugged.  I think it was Klonodine.   They were claiming he was autistic - banging his head, having a comfort object, etc.  He is not.  He is highly emotional and threw his "comfort object" on the floor of the van on our way home after we first got him.  I've never seen him banging his head.  Sure, sometimes it hits the floor when he gets mad and throws himself down, but no head banging.  I have friends with kids who have autism.  His behavior problems are very different.  Until I read about BPD I just thought he lacked stability.  Now it has been over a year and I know we need professional help from a doc who will offer more than drugs to turn him into a zombie.

What sort of abuse and neglect has the 5 year old suffered? 

From what we know, serious physical and emotional abuse such as being beat with a belt for something like crying or spilling a drink.  Also serious neglect including being left without stimulation for hours on end, no access to anything to write or draw with, not allowed to play outside, not given food or drink regularly, etc.  They had a total lack of stability moving constantly, leaving belongings behind with each move.

Does he have any contact with his biological mother?  If so... do you notice this having an affect on his behaviors?

She is allowed monthly supervised visits, but has only visited 3-4 times in the last year plus.  One of those visits was before court.  Around her he acts baby-ish sometimes even refusing to talk.  He also gets very upset when she talks to us rather than paying attention to him.  He seems more easily upset just before a visit and then better after.

Is he physically abusive to the other children in the home?

He is very aggressive.  He kicks, hits, pinches, and very frequently throws things.  He has hurt all of us at one time or another.  There have been a few times where we have had to hold him to protect ourselves.  He does seem to know that he can cause harm as he has never seriously injured the one year old.  He is more gentle with him.  He isn't like that with the other kids.

Oh my... .poor kids! :'(

Good to learn that the plan is in place to begin therapy.  Have you thought about therapy for the 3 year old as well?  Being proactive here rather than reactive later? 

Do you have a safety plan in place when son5 rages?  For him and the other children?  In other words... .does everyone know what to do to keep themselves and youngest ones safe?

lbj

I almost missed this one... .

How do you take care of yourself mommaoffive?

For starters, I take my meds.  *haha*  I am a disabled vet, chronic pain from back injury, depression, anxiety, ptsd.  I'm no stranger to mental illness.  I'm very much trying to practice mindfulness and educate myself as that seems to help me deal.  I also have an amazing husband who is very willing to learn with me.  He is semi-retired and right there with me every step of the way sharing household chores and childcare.  I couldn't ask for a better partner and father for the kids.  

We don't have a safety plan.  We've just been trying different things to try to find what works.  I'm hoping the whole family can get involved in therapy so we can all learn how to get along with him.

Good to learn that you are practicing some self care... .do you have help come in sometimes... .like family or friends to give you a break?  Playdays where the kids are out of the house?

Regarding the safety plan... .there is one simple thing you can do to get this started.  Talk to the oldest children and decide on a "code word".  If you feel/believe that the 5 year old is heading for a tantrum (be it verbal or physical or both) use the code word so that the older kids take the younger kids out of the situation... maybe it is to their rooms... .have the older kids prepare a "code word" basket with necessities... .like toys, books, diapers and snacks for themselves and the younger children.  The less the other children are exposed to crisis the better... .and it keeps them physically safe.  If there is no place inside the home work with a neighbor for them to go there.  Always have a plan "B" for a safe place and make sure that phone numbers are handy in case you need to call the neighbor.

Thoughts?

lbj