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This guy I have met has been involved with a long term partner who he's pretty sure has BPD.  Their relationship was pretty turbulent and now it is over (I hope!) I was wondering if there was any help he could get. He talks to me a lot about the various situations they were in and after reading several websites, mostly from the ex partners of these awful relationships, I was wondering if he has to grin and bear it?  He has been to his doctor but they only offer anti-depressants and although I know they help some I feel he just needs to talk to a group or professional who understands the condition and the withdrawal symptoms he feels

I hope you can offer some advice.

Also, I did mention to him that he is showing traits of BPD, continually asking if I'm ok, the the push and pull thing you often read about.  His ex is taking him to court as she said he pushed her.  Ridiculous! I know this is heavy on his mind.  He's trying to start a new business venture too so a double whammy of stress.  I feel that my time will be over with him soon but he says get Wednesday (court day) over with and he will feel differently.

The drinking seems to be under control now. He knows it's a downward spiral to be taking that path. He's not been coping very well with the side effects of the anti depressants but the doctor has said stick with it.  He seems more angry of late towards his ex,  he hasn't cried for a week now.  I'm the one with the tears!

The reality with BPD is that the people with this disorder often aren't officially diagnosed. However, what often is clear is the presence of BPD-traits or BPD-like traits. Since he is exhibiting certain BPD traits himself now, it might help for you yourself to take a look around on this website. Some of the techniques described here could also be helpful to you perhaps. The resources and communication techniques I suggested earlier (boundaries, validation etc.) can be effective when dealing with people who have BPD, but also when dealing with people who might not have BPD yet still exhibit certain BPD traits. Since you yourself also seem to be struggling with his behavior, it might be worthwile for you to explore if some of the resources on here might be of some use to you. Boundaries and certain communication techniques might for instance help you better deal with his push and pull dynamics and also his drinking. Boundaries are to help you protect your own emotional and mental well-being. I hope this answer is of some help to you as you try to deal with this difficult situation.

Take care and good luck!

Kwamina

Can you give us some details and time lines?

How long was he with her. Were they married? Kids?

How long have they been split?

When did you get involved?

How has your relationship been?  What is his current relationship with her?

He was with her for 9yrs on and off. They've been split up since the end of dec.  Not married as she caused so much trouble within the family, saying he wasn't committed to her etc. I met him last year and our relationship has only developed in the last 6 weeks. He has no contact with her, hopefully she won't be in court tomorrow but then I understand it's all part of the drama she thrives on. Why does it leave the other party so destroyed?

A nine year relationship is a long time.  Your bf and his ex are emotionally intertwined and in the first 8 weeks of breakup.  He has to grieve this and hopefully take time to learn from it. He's gioing to be up and down and probably not emotionally available for a while.

The question is, are you OK with this?  Can you give him the space to grieve?  Are you OK with a rebound relationship risks?

I'm not suggesting that you leave - I'm really saying that this is going to be a bit complicated, there are going to be stages of recovery.

In my case, saying him he might have a mental disorder, did not end up well. He enraged and left me

I realise this all to well. I'm prepared to give him time. It's all that's left to give now. Thing is I'm emotionally drained at the moment too.

What is it that is draining you?  How does it all make you feel?

Because our relationship is very intense. Lots of tears cried from both of us. I feel better now I've spoken to him and know he's ok.

How often are you seeing each other?

What are you crying about?

We see each other nearly every night. Most of the weekends. We cry over our relationships mainly. My last one was not good either.

How long have you been out of yours?  How long a relationship was it?

Mines just over a year and it was for 7 1/2 yrs

Hi again Hopeful52


How are you feeling today and how did things go in court?

Court case was awful. 2 yr restraining order & 2 yr good behaviour. Since then he's been extremely up and down. Drinking and obsessive behaviour. He needs serious help now as nothing is going right for him. Can I get him sectioned it's got that bad?

I am sorry to hear that things didn't go favorably in court. I understand how this outcome could negatively affect him. His continued drinking is quite concerning though. Do you feel safe around him?

Could you elaborate on his obsessive behavior? What does he do exactly?

He is very up and down. Threatening suicide yesterday and generally upsetting his family and me.  He's threatened to go abroad to start over.  His parents don't understand why he's being like this and generally telling him to snap out of it.  He drove to mine last night after ending it with me on the phone. I asked him why he was here he replied because he loves me.  He was far more positive this morning however.  He doesn't scare me when he's had a drink. It's just he seemed out of control yesterday. I'm the only one that seems to understand what he's going through.  He's had a lot of stuff the put up with. The split, his new business venture. The person who is doing his website keeps letting him down.  The family are also coping with his brothers divorce and all his problems seem to go unrecognised.

You aren't scared of him when he's had a drink but him threatening suicide is yet another concerning development. How did it make you feel hearing him say that? I can imagine this only adds to the stress you're already dealing with.

Has he (as far as you know) ever made such threats before? Did he ever seem suicidal before (as far as you could tell)? And is the doctor that gave him his anti-depressants aware of his suicide threats?


Do you believe he had been drinking when he broke of the relationship on the phone? Are the two of you still together?

I felt really scared when he told me his thoughts. He had been drinking when he ended it too. He just seemed on a downward spiral yesterday. We are still together though. He seemed very positive this morning and talked about his goals for the future. All good! He has talked about suicide before and the doctor knows this. She rang him on Friday and he told her all was good when in fact he was far from it. He said he is responsible for how he's feeling and he wants to be the person he used to be before he met his ex. He needs positivity in his life. The website for his business has been a big thing too. He just feels extremely let down by everyone, apart from me.

I understand his need for positivity in his life but I am concerned about the toll it's taking on you. It's good though that he has a therapist since he's dealing with some serious issues. However, him telling his doctor that everything is all right while it really isn't, also concerns me. When he says he's responsible for how he's feeling, do you think that he means that he doesn't want the help of his doctor to get him to feel good? Do you know if he has done this before in the past, telling his doctor that things are all right when they're not?

He hasn't got a therapist atm. Only me! He's gone back to the gym yesterday and says he feels like he's turned the corner. He's come off the anti depressants too and is certainly sounding 100% more positive. I don't think he's needing help at this moment in time but we all get blips. I don't know if he's done this before but he's seeing his dr tomorrow so we shall see what she says. I'm feeling better because I can see and feel he is.

Hi again Hopeful52

How are things now? I hope the situation has continued to improve.

Take care

Things have been a lot better but his ex has now turned up at his workshop with a book for his work! Despite taking him to court and him having a restraining order against him. This is contact!  I feel so sick! He's been getting e mails from her new bf about removing his stuff from the property and he's been very amenable.  Both sides. 

Just learned that she actually went into his workplace and dropped his book off. Feeling very scared now as contact has been made that she will pull him back. He says she won't but it has happened so many times before.

How is he handling this latest development? He seemed to be doing better, do you feel like this might have affected him?

Given the history between them and her behavior so far, I can definitely see why you would find this so concerning. Are you afraid because of how this might affect him or because you feel like he might go back to her? Or perhaps both?

BPD is a difficult disorder and you unfortunately can't change other people if they don't want to. What you can do is change your own behavior. To help you calm down it might help to explore things such as mindfulness or meditation. Do you have experience with these things? We have some information here about mindfulness that you might find helpful: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)

He is fine about it! He says it's out of character for her. She has an injunction against him so why oh why? I'm scared of loosing him of course. Just have this feeling of dread and have been really upset today. What next a random text? I am currently learning meditation which is helping somewhat. He says I'm worth so much more than her but I know he's gone back to her in the past and it's easy for him to say he won't. She has a new bf too. What would he think if he found her going to his place of work to deliver something when he's going to collect his belongings at the weekend?

Latest update. He moved all his stuff from her house yesterday and her new bf was emailing him with regards to this.  Out of the blue on Thursday night he got a text from his ex saying this and that about his possessions! So much for taking him to court.  He turned up to get his stuff yesterday and who should walk right passed him was the ex. She was so scared to face him in court that she had to sit behind a screen!  What a farce.  Now she has started charming him by the texts I'm wondering if he will go back.  He says no way! He's just blocked the bf's number but not hers.

Hi

How are things with you?


I can see why this whole situation could cause you some concerns for what might happen next. Remember that he was very clear when he said no way though  You say she started charming him, what did she say in those texts? Has she hinted that she wants to get back together with him?

And how has he been holding up mentally and emotionally?

Take care