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 minor setback today... .heard my xBPDfiance was engaged to the replacement... .this really comes as no surprise to me as i actually have been expecting this. knowing what i know about her and the replacement she has really pushed up the timetable only being just shy of 6 months post break up... .anyway, the person who told me is a friend of mine whom she knew through me... .he unfriended her but didnt block her so she was able to pm him apparently. he  said he blocked her after that and did not respond... .unfortunately he told me about it. so nc was acccidentally compromised due to my friend's ignorance. i dont blame him. he realizes now what he did and knows now not to tell me anything about her should he here from her again somehow... .so that in fact tells me she used him as a tool to try and hurt me.  they werent close... .in fact when he tried talking to her in the past about me she ignored him. so clearly this was her yet again acting out to try and hurt me by any possible crack she could make... .any opinions?  thanks 

WOW! Only after 6 months post b/e! That's incredible! How do you feel? You ok?

I am sorry to hear that. She obviously is insecure and needed to latch on to someone. It won't last. Promise you.

yes downwhim she is very insecure. part of the affliction... .like i said not surprised... .but then why would i be... .she found this guy on easyroomate.com and shacked up with him less than 2 weeks after she left. lol[quote
im ok jrt thank you. just venting and wanting some insight... .possibly some validation to my theory... .all opinions welcomed!  :)

I'm with DW... .it will not last.

hmmm 59 people viewed this thread so far... .no insights or opinions? i welcome them all  :) thank you!

Dont have much to say about it. Other than a so fu*king what. Good for her, rah rah, yay... .I know it feels wrong and it probably hurts to know that. I struggle with the speed with which I was replaced, but shes not my problem anymore, nor is she yours. As all the above folks say, it wont last. I doubt she will even make it down the aisle. Please try and live your life without this horrid person. Like I said, shes someone elses problem now.

  thank you Deeno, it stung for a moment, i wont lie about that, my friend when he told me that didnt realize he was gonna trigger me a little, but it did... .the good thing is, i found this website and have been able to learn a lot from the people here who have, "been there done that", not to mention all the educational resources. because of this, i was better prepared to deal with a minor setback such as this... .even though i knew damned well it was coming, eventually because of how "hell bent" on being married for no particular reason. it just shows the kind of door mat shes with that its happened so quickly. lol it took her 2 years to cajole me into an engagement with her and even then i put the actual marriage off another year because i was skiddish about her behavior before i knew she was pwBPD. thanks for your input Deeno, its appreciated.

Ouch!  The behavior some people exhibit amazes me.

I found my self in a similar situation.  My BPDw left me and then got herself a replacement.  About a month after they got together I saw she posted a prayer for her husband... .this confused me.  The next day she was posting pictures of wedding dresses.  At first I was hurt but then it sinks in... .this is what you are up against.  Its crazy and healthy people do not act like that.  Especially after only knowing someone for a month and while still married.

Chalk it up to how messed they can be and consider yourself lucky to be free.  Good luck to our replacements

You dodged a bullet, you wont see it now, but when the you step out of the FOG you will praise the Lord for protecting you from this kind of person, my ex got pregnant 2 months into the relationship with my replacement, and with the coil in place I can assure you that it was planned.  You now see her for who she really was, consider this a blessing in disguise.

you're right wavelife, it is the nature of the beast with this affliction. healthy people do NOT do this, thats why i'm still single and healing... .better everyday!
thanks jammo, i am very much aware that i dodged a bullet with that mess! the people here have helped me see that! she's a troubled 50 year old woman with the brain of a hurt, selfish adolescent. she'll never get well... .

I could see how it would hurt. One of my friends once told me he saw mine in the subway. Knowing she's in the city. Also I know she's found a replacement. Logged into our Netflix and found a new name. Got myself my own account within minutes. Its weird but I smile when I think of it. Admittedly the prospect of running into her scares the ___ out of me. She's my meth  and I'm just a junkie trying to get clean. Seeing her will just give me the shakes, and I'll want another hit, just to feel for a brief second how it all felt at first. Before I started chasing a high that was long gone, see... .my drug moved on while I couldn't.

But hey dude, its gonna be alright. For you.

The other guy? Not so much.

As for her, she's still the same girl she's always been. She'll be lost forever.

Find someone new. Focus on you. Go to a party or something. Take your mind off it. Write an eloquent poem or essay on how you feel. Figure out what you wanna do to keep your mind off it.

Don't take it personally. You weren't the first, and he won't be the last. Ya feel me?

  loud and clear vatz!  like i say my heart jumped a little initially, but i immediately calmed back down. i dont want to see her or hear anything about or from her. she is a lost spiteful, manipulative little girl and the replacement is definitely in for it.  better him than me!    |iiii

Ditto this.  I am now 5 months out from my broken engagement.  If I found out now that she was engaged to a replacement or someone else, I think I would be more amused and relieved than anything.  :)on't get me wrong, this whole ordeal has been an absolutely devastating experience for me (I had thought that I was with my lifelong soulmate and I loved her completely and in some ways always will.)  However, now that I've had the time to fully study up on BPD I praise the powers that be for not having procreated with my ex and not having married her.

Anyhow, it won't last.  The replacement is probably going through hell right now (or will be soon).  Heck, part of the basis of her connection with him is simply to hurt you -- what a basis for a lifelong commitment!  While I normally have great sympathy for nons, I can't say that I have much sympathy for this guy based on the facts -- he helps break up an engagement and then pushes forward to tie the knot by proposing 6 months later, as if he's got things all figured out and can make it work b/c you were just a bad guy . . .   In any event, my theory on people with BPD is that all the relationship trauma for them just builds and builds with each major breakup, so she's just getting wackier and wackier, more and more unstable and less trusting.  

One last point.  In the court of public opinion (assuming you have some shared contacts and a reputation to care about), this re-engagement for her in such a short time just makes her look stupid and like she has major problems.  And then when she breaks up with this guy that will be even more strongly confirmed for everyone.

thank you for your insight tim! i'm sorry about your situation as well. we deserved better than we got, but we did "get out". devastated mind you... .but if you take the glass half full approach, we were unscathed compared to some folks... .you raise very good points, especially Heck, part of the basis of her connection with him is simply to hurt you -- what a basis for a lifelong commitment!) << << LOVE THIS! thanks and so true, that would be the spiteful little girl acting out. also: ( -he helps break up an engagement and then pushes forward to tie the knot by proposing 6 months later, as if he's got things all figured out and can make it work b/c you were just a bad guy.) you have this clown figured out. he bad mouthed me on fb awhile back when she announced her new relationship and someone asked about me. pretty tacky... .to say the least, funny, he didnt have a thing to say to me when he ran into me new years eve at a gig they werent invited to... .(shrugs).  lol

Its cool man. I broke NC to wish her happiness when I saw a picture of her and the replacement, you know, adult stuff. Got a scathing text from her, cold, mechanical. Learned my lesson big time. Im only 6 and some change out myself, but I have learned a life time of stuff from this 16 month relationship, and at my age(51) I thought I was wise to the world. Not so much. She dumped me before I could pop the question... dodged a bullet. All I need to do is get through VB season(she coaches my sons HS team, yay me) and I dont have any further reason to have any contact at all.

yeah Deeno, i hear ya... .its like anxiety5 said : "you cannot be friends with these people. why try and be the first?" they cant handle the pain of failure and looking in a mirror. its too much, it short circuits them i believe. nc all the way! its the best way for me to heal and silence is golden!

I can somewhat relate to your situation.

The BPD woman i was dealing with also engaged within 6 months of b/u. That didn't last too long because she got pregnant by someone else and engaged yet again within a few months of announcing the first engagement. Knowing this woman the way i do there are only two possible scenarios here and it probably relates to your situation as well:

1) The relationship doesn't last long at all and she will start the same crazy cycle over with someone else immediatley

2) The relationship manages to last but she will slowly destroy this man pice by piece.

I guess it all depends on the personality of the replacment and what they are willing to put up with. Having a child with someone gives the BPD a much longer leash to get away with stuff as was the case with me.

hi and thanks clyde. i'm thinking your #2 fits this scenario best as she is past her baby making stage and the replacement is one of those enabling/passive types, from what i have observed. clearly, he's on the clock... .the variable is time... . 

RLHMM   |iiii

Your story reads like so many others here, just a different victims name.  I am a little bit envious of you though, since I wasn't lucky enough to have someone steal her away before she stole nearly everything we owned (all of which from my earnings since she rarely worked). 

I am 9 months NC from my exBPDw and just recently found out from an old friend that she is now posting photos on social media (SM) of her and the replacement.  None of which I've seen because I closed all SM accounts when I filed for divorce.  Didn't need her $hit being rubbed in my face.  She sucked me dry emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically.  I take responsibility for ALLOWING it to happen.  But, I also found how much COURAGE I had.

I once read;

If a man loses money, he loses little... .

If a man loses his health, he loses much... .

But if a man loses his courage, he loses EVERYTHING!

Coming here took courage.  Looking at yourself took courage.  Getting thru a BPD breakup took courage.  Staying NC takes courage.  So keep your courage bucket full!

If she's doing it to hurt you then fool her, and as others have suggested, it won't last.

Within a year he'll either get fed up with her, or she'll eventually devalue him and will be on the look out for another source... .Just  make sure it's not you! 

thanks technique, if shes at the marrying stage, she's already devaluing him... .the clock is ticking... .lol no longer my problem... .she's NOT welcome back... .EVER! i deserve better than that fo sho! lol    |iiii

Bingo.

thank you Bumps! you're right it does take courage to do all those things!  i would change only one thing about your comment, i would change the word victims to SURVIVORS! we are all survivors here on a mission. a mission to heal ourselves and eachother by sharing our stories and interacting with eachother. thanks for your valued insight!   |iiii

rlhmm,

Not much that can be said that hasn't already been said. Take it from someone who was engaged within 2 weeks and married within 6 months of meeting exN/BPDw. I called off the wedding a couple of times because everything was happening too fast (she proposed and I said yes so I was guilty of my part too) Didn't expect though that her and her mother would have the entire wedding and date set within a week.

Each time I ended things, I got drawn back in through FOG. Fear came from my ex being scary when she wanted to, Obligation because I'd said yes and felt bad breaking that promise, Guilt because her parents took on the cost and every time I withdrew was reminded that it was their retirement savings gone in to pay for the wedding. Didn't really matter in the end because when the discard came, I was hit with the bill for an extortionate wedding too  |iiii

Just wanted to give you an insight to the other side and what it's like for the replacement when it comes that fast. For me, I started to feel the intensity as soon as I said yes. The proposal came in a different way to what would normally happen. She said it like she was joking and an off the cuff question. We talked about what our ideal wedding would be if we were to get married and that's when she asked if I would marry her. Was amazing how her ideal wedding mirrored mine and the actual wedding was nothing at all like it, it was just a show of money and power to 250 of her family members.

When I look back on why it happened, I know she felt in competition with my children and that there was a perceived threat of abandonment so your comments about him being devalued already could possibly be true, she could very well be in survival mode right now and it can all go downhill from there.

Important thing to remember, you are free from it. I know it can be triggering but you have saved yourself a lot of money and pain in the long run. I went through with the wedding in the end, mostly because of the FOG but also because things were so bad. I mistakenly thought that if I followed through, things would start to get better between us. The abuse and fighting would stop. It only got worse.

3 years out of it now and if I got word that she was remarrying, I would only feel pity for the poor guy because he's about to step into a world of hell. The funny thing is, that when she discarded me and filed for divorce, she told me that one day we could get back together again and get remarried 

Wow.  You can't make this stuff up.  Mine said something similar to me in a similar context.  During one of the more intense engagement breakups, which she alleged that I called for even though I didn't (this was replete with her appearing heartbroken, btw) . . . I tried to talk her into just staying together and not spending any time part.  One of the things she said was, "You need to watch the Notebook."  From my understanding of that movie, this was her way of saying that we can just break off the engagement and get back together at some point perhaps years down the line.  Insanity.  NC for life. 

    thank you ripped for your kind insight. i totally empathize with what happened in your camp. couple of similarities... .my xpwBPDfiance proposed to me too... .like you she wanted marriage immediately, i kept her at bay for 2 yrs before i relented and said ok to a couple yrs down the road if all went well... .she kept pushing up the date and pushing and pushing... .her paranoia started getting the better of her with every response to the wedding announcement she put on on fb... .she accused everyone of patronizing her? what the heck? was getting way out of hand she was relentless and start arguments all the time. she was jealous of my kids, they have their sh$t together. her boy is troubled and now that i think about it may have BPD too... .he has since gone off the grid since i broke it off with his mother who he has no respect for... .sad. everyone in my life at some point became a threat to her... .finally i had enough i pulled the plug july 16th. less than 2 wks later she was shacking with the replacement that she found on a roomate website of all things! lol geez i tell ya. the insanity... .i'm soo fortunate. sure i'm alone... .but i'm at peace... .but sometimes its deafening to me... . 

i want to thank everyone for their input! very helpful and comforting!    |iiii

rlhmm:

That is quite a shock for you to process, but don't take it as anything wrong with you. It's normal to feel like that especially after only 6 months.  Immediate replacement is very hard for us, but as water is wet so are BPDs in their ways.

I've been out from under mine for a few years now myself.  I just recently learned through the grapevine that mine had been married to my replacement for a brief period and then divorced him.  She has now remarried her original husband whom she had driven to the brink the first time.  She has also cheated on everyone she's ever been involved with more times than can be counted.  I just wanted to share that with you so you know you're not alone.  My replacement probably feels the same as you right now.

Your replacement will rue the day soon enough.  Be good to yourself as you're worth it.

rlhmm, I know it's a shock and a trigger. I'm so sorry.   

I just found out that my exBPDbf is engaged, and quit his job and moved overseas to be with his fiancee. I did not, however, find this out from him, even though we have talked several times since the b/u, as recently as a month ago. I've just been incredibly down and shocked. Knowing about the disorder doesn't make it not break my heart over again.

   Hostnomore, thank you so much for that, you're right! WE ARE soo worth it my friend!   |iiii  cheers!

  hi Happynihilist, it was, and it wasn't, if you know what i mean... .i felt that brief heart jump and then nothing. it would have been worse had i not done the work thus far... .and i'm sorry you are hurting,   at least we arent alone here, we are amongst friends... .i can tell you're a compassionate soul... .so dont waste that on someone undeserving as your exBPDbf. be good to yourself and those deserving... .the ones who matter.    |iiii   all my best!

It hurts when they replace you and hurts when they get engaged and even married but the way I see it is each of these steps they make is a step further from you which is a good thing.

As for her contacting your friend it was obviously to make you jealous. I desperate attwmpt to show you how happy she is but if she was that hapoy and you didnt mean anything to her then she would have not bothered as you wouldnt even cross her mind.

  BINGOO! LMFAO!   |iiii high 5 enlighten me!  ((SMACK))

I dont know about you but I kind of looked forward to my exs moving on. It made it easier to detatch.

Yeah, for me once I knew that she had somewhere to go after leaving here, I was able to not worry about her being OK, and that let me focus on the bad stuff and pull away from her more quickly. I think I'm wired differently than a lot of people here, her finding a replacement made me feel a sorry for the replacement - from the little I've seen of his public profile, he's a nice guy who probably wants to help her, so he's going to go through a confusing Hell this year. I focus on the actual argument filled, soul rending relationship and not the fiction of 'if only the good part of her won', so whatever she goes off and does with other people gets filed under 'dodged a bullet' instead of 'makes me sad'.

This^

When I saw some other dude's name on our netflix like not even a month after our breakup, I was like "Yup." Five minutes later I have my own account and I actually laughed at the situation. Looking back, my reaction was pretty funny. But totally appropriate and it worked. I didn't dwell (at least not on that moment,) I didn't try to picture this new person, and I try (and succeed most times) to not picture how she is with him.

Knowing they've moved on helped me put some emotional distance. It helped me objectively see that there's no going back, and that she's gone. Is it always that easy? Hell no. But knowing it's finally over is good. All that's left for me is to pick up my pieces and rebuild. Pick up the pieces OP, who knows maybe you can build something better.

OP, she's gone and that door has closed permanently behind you. [enlighten me] said it best, her moving on is probably the best thing for you. Now you're free, you aren't chained to her anymore.

enlighten me, i'm glad that the ex has moved on... .i just find the psychology fascinating that the sad, angry child that is "BPD" is still trying to lash out passive aggressively at me as she always did. begging for attention from whomever. this has and continues to be very educational.

I have to admit the psycology fascinates me aswell. I have two uBPD exs ticking 9 and 7 of the criteria so im as certain as anyone can be that theyre BPD. I also have children with both so while im pretty much over them I still like to learn more about the condition.

Ive also had the post break up niceness from both and it messed with my head. This was before I learnt about BPD. Now it just falls under push pull behaviour for me.

Learning about BPD is the ultimate game changer. 

  no post break up niceness for me... .just bs passive aggressive crap... .like that above... .snipes here and there. thats been her style. very passive aggressive lil child.  yeah it was a game changer alright... .huge learning experience. scary how common it is too... .ugh... . 

Thank you... .that's very kind of you. :)

I'm so glad all the hard work you've done helped you with this. We really can't take the disorder personally -- and radical acceptance and detachment help us not to do so. You're doing great work.  |iiii


Oh, I feel for my replacement, too... .she has no idea what's in store for her. They haven't quite reached the one-year mark yet, which is when things usually start to crack in his relationships.

I feel bad for all of the women who've had their lives upended and hearts broken by him. He has a sick pride in picking out "strong, independent women" -- he told me several times, "I love strong women... .I love to break them." (And yes, the fact that I brushed aside that very glaring red-flag and many others shows that I certainly wasn't the strong, healthy woman I thought I was. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.)

At the same time, I also feel bad for him, because his mind is a living hell. Intellectually I "understand" why he does the things he does. But it doesn't excuse how he hurts people (and himself). It's a painful cycle. At least I have the power to remove myself from the cycle.

I am waiting to hear the news that my exBPDgf is engaged to my replacement. We have been separated for about three months and she has been with him for 2 1/2 months now. He is practically living at her house now and from what others have said, it is as if she is totally happy. She kept saying that she was most upset because she was having to start overs again. That she thought I was it, we were going to get married and be happy. Now she has to start all overs. She said she is with this guy because she doesn't have time to date around. We are almost 40 and she feels that she wants to be married again soon. Made me think that what we had wasn't really all that special then. It was always about filling her needs.

  your story reads much like mine... .all she wants is to be married, married married... .doesnt matter who... .THEY'RE SICK! they cannot be alone... .they are incapable of loving "normally" they no more loved us than they loved their pasts or our replacements... .its the pathology of their mental illness... .cant take it personal... .its just them. her starting over is her fault, not yours. period. we're safe from their torment and illness... .i'm greatful for that!  |iiii