BPDFamily.com

I'm trying to make the story as short as possible...

I thought I was hated, I was black, she didn't contact me, she didn't do anything... I didn't had any contact with my BPD ex from October until... She reached out to me, first because of some pictures she thought I needed.

I told her I could not handle any contact and asked her to leave me alone...

A several days later she reached out again, this time because of an emotional problem she wanted to talk about. She said I knew and understood her... We talked the whole evening and a half night... She said she loved talking to me and that she didn't wanted to go to sleep...

I asked her again to leave me alone because it was impossible vor me...

A day later she reached out again, with a problem... She sold a horse, and the was sold again but the people didn't told the new owner the horse had problems. She wanted/needed to find the horse so I helped her with it, because I knew the horse too. But again I told her to leave me alone when it was done...

On Valentine's day she send me 'Happy Valentine :*'

In the meantime my filly was born and she said she wanted to be with me, that she wanted to see the filly...

Then the horse was found and I told her again it was time to say goodbye...

A friend of mine told her I had a date, and she texted me 'So you are having a date, hope you'll enjoy'

I didn't respond to the message...

A day later she text me 'Why don't you answer' 'But be happy, when you are going to date you will forget me very soon, you don't want to be with me I'm ___ed up, so be happy'

I could not be more furious... I told her I didn't forget people, and I won't forget her, but that it is too hard for me to talk to her, reading all the messages makes my heart crumble... Told her that I love her but that I don't walk behind her ass anymore... That if she wanted something except being mad at me for me being on a date she needed to say so or otherwise leave me alone... So now I don't hear from her anymore since the 20th of this month.

She told a friend of mine 'I want her back, really hard, but I'm way too ___ed up for her'

Now I'm going to a horse event this sunday and I told it on a horse topic, and guess who's coming too? It's a smal event, just 20 minutes from my house, but 3.5 hours from her house... Why would she come? Does she knows I'm there?

The simple answer is yes, she knows you're there. There are so many directions to go on this. If she knows she's ___ed up, will she get help? Do you still want anything with her that you'd be a supporter for that. If you want nothing to do with her, stop helping her. You're stepping back into the role of a caregiver by helping her fix problems. She's made it clear she wants more than friends, you need to figure out if you want that too, or if you want nothing. Then stick to it.

I forget to tell in my story that she is in therapy and has medication since several weeks... I think that's the reason she started to talk with me in the first place... Because it does help I think... She's afraid that she needs to be taken in for mental care, and school isn't going good for her...

She was in therapy and had medications but suddenly she stopped and then I broke up after a while because I could not handle it anymore...

I made it clear that I still love her, and that I would take her back if she goes to therapy and take her medications... But she did not answer to that, except saying she is to ___ed up for me... And that I need to be happy that I will forget her...

I am writing this as an extremely biased responder, because I was engaged to a high functioning BPD, who, until the splitting, was everything I wanted in a woman. Mine refuses to admit to her problem, and refuses treatment. As soon as she knew a diagnosis was forthcoming, she avoided the therapist she'd been seeing for "anxiety" only a few weeks before. Her leaving me as she did and running across country to another man, changing her whole life, etc etc just sealed in the dx. Your situation is currently my fantasy.

If you love her and she's diagnosed, and you think you can get her back into therapy and treatment, then go for it. Go in eyes wide open, ready to workon her, and yourself in helping her, knowing it may be a road of broken glass you're climbing over. Don't do it to save her, don't do it from some obligation you feel. Try the baby steps of working together on things, of your own mindfulness and ability to relate to her through dbt. Go in there knowing that this may be absolutely nothing you can hold onto, and knowing that you may fail, over and over and over, before it gets better. I'd love you to keep posting about how it goes for you. I hope you work out. I hope you beat this together. But if you do not, I hope you leave again knowing that you gave it your best, but that you are still in tact, and still strong in your ability to love.

My viewpoint is the opposite of Heldfast... .

Notice that she is coming to you with "problems". (Unhealthy)

Notice that she is  cyber-stalking you. (Unhealthy)

Notice that she is telling lies and creating negative drama in your life. (Unhealthy)

I see no love there just dysfunction.

She is on medication. Good for her. What does that have to do with you now?

Sometimes our emotions do not let us see clearly.

I am just stating what I see from what you have told us.  

Does this sound like a person that you would like to invite back into your life?

It appears to me that you will be inviting utter chaos willingly right back into your life?

Infrared is definitely the logical side, I am definitely the emotional side of this argument. Chances are the logical side will be proven right. Good luck with whichever way you proceed.

I am farther away and more healed than you, Heldfast. Most likely.  I am no longer in the emotional typhoon that these people seem to be able to control us with.  Although I do have emotional pain associated with that relationship... .and that may never go away... .If mine now walks up to me in a parking lot, (which she has)... .I take the healthy step... away from her... .with my head turned. I say nothing. I do not engage. I just physically walk away. I have done this twice in the last two years.  Anything else is me not loving me.  She is sick. I can have empathy for her... .but any and all that I may do or imagine that I may do will not change her. ... .but I have learned this through brutally painful repeated experiences.  To interact with her means nothing but chaos and extreme emotional pain for me. Today, I choose not to make that choice. That is all I have to offer here.

I'm sorry you're going through this balou. It's difficult for anyone who is new to asserting boundaries to stay steadfast.

Our words and actions need to match so that we aren't sending mixed messages. Telling her not to contact you and then answering her only to tell her again to leave you be teaches her that if she continues you will too. If you want her to stop contacting you you have to be the one to resist when she doesn't respect your wishes.

I will respond tomorrow to al of your questions and so...

But for now I want to say that we have no contact since the 20th of this month.

Heldfast, trust me this isn't a dream... You know what she did? She took a rope, made a lasso and catch me again, but she won't take me in, she leaves me hanging on the end of it... .

I told her several times I would take her back, but then I needed her to do her best. She wouldn't respond to that... The last thing I said was:

'You know what I want, I want you, all of you, but when you can't give me that or don't want to then you know what I want then. No contact... ' And I guess it kinda helped she didn't answer anymore...

But I'm afraid that I will see her this Sunday because she will come to the same event I am going! I won't let her ruin my day I've been waiting for, for several weeks. So I will proceed en will go... I hope I can walk straight ahead when I see her...

I'll respond better and more tomorrow! xx

If you read/watch online resources about BPD and relationships, you will see that the BPD communicators/respondents almost always do this: urge those withOUT BPD not to avoid persons with BPD for relationships and to not end relationships with BPDs due to all the crazy making.

And they all back each other up and their form of selfish love where they want the healthier person to stay and "take one for the team" makes total sense, and a NON protecting themselves is epitome of horrible.

So, what the BPDs do to us as individuals they also do as a collective, and they can't see it even when it is spelled out to them very plainly.