BPDFamily.com

Its as if there is something new every day except I have been NC with mine for 5 months!

Mine has a highly troubled (though highly intelligent - frankly gifted) 18 year old son. When she moved in to my house, he moved in with his step dad since he feared that the structure at my house would not be consistent with his wants.

So 3 weeks afterwards, she moved out suddenly and abruptly only to message me via text that she was doing so. I have not spoken with her since.  At about the same time, it looks like the son had a falling out with his step dad and has moved back in with mom.

The interesting thing about she and him is that while she NEVER raged at me, she directed her rage against him almost every day. As a consequence, the boy is highly dysfunctional; he has no friends, had severe learning problems to the extent that he barely had finished a watered down program to get his HS diploma, has no plans for the future other than to play video games for a good bulk of the day, flunked out of the one community college course that he was taking and is not able to hold down even a menial job for more than 2 or 3 weeks.

For some reason, he is using the apartment address that he and his mom lived at prior to moving into my house. Those letters are being forwarded here and include paychecks from jobs he has been fired from and W2 forms for taxes. (I am also getting other mail that is specific to my address for some reason - he is using my address as his home address in some cases!). I have been sending this stuff to his step dad's but I am petty sure that they are no longer speaking or on good terms and now am forced to send to mom ( I only have her work address).

For any normal parent, this at this point is a recognition that their child has a LOT to overcome in order to make it int he real world and might be a revelation that their parenting efforts and style are to blame. To her, I wonder not only if this lead to her disappearing act (the realization that her son would always need to live with her since I would enforce boundaries) but also if the environment of chaos that he represents is the triangulating figure that feeds her need (for chaos)? Or she is going nuts and needs support?

Now what to do with this mail? I have little choice other than to toss it or send it to her work. The (ever shrinking) part of me that cares wants to insert a note asking her if she needs help or an ear. Is this a bad idea?

It sounds like she had you split good and him split bad. Poor guy.

It may create a drama triangle.

He may have a reason and he is 18. Can you talk to him? How's your relationship with him?

Maybe he feels safer sending things to your home than mom's? How do you feel about him using your address as his home address?

If you talk to her do you think there's a chance she may blast him? He's split bad right? Sometimes a mother with BPD will split a child good and another child bad. For example, my D9 is the good child when SD15 is the bad child.

SD15 has been the bad child for several years and mom blasts her if she has issues with her bf or something else in life that disturbs her.

I really can't make any sense of it to understand enough to answer. Towards the end of my r/s, he swore at me about something. I (and his mom) demanded that he apologize. He never did and it was the last time I spoke to him. After moms meltdown/b/u with me, he joined her in unfriending me. She controls his phone so I know that she blocked me there as well. My brother was not unfriended at one point and sent him an IM. His response was 'we are not talking to anyone in your family'. So, it appears is taking moms marching orders (lots of good its done him so far).

The thing that I KNOW that he sent directly and it was after the fact was a jewelry store credit card. It had my address only (not a forwarding order expired tag). He NEVER lived here. He has a GF and I wonder if there is now some controversy with her enough that he wanted to hide a some sort of purchase from mom. I wouldn't mind having a relationship with him, but Mom shut that down for ALL family members (they all unfriended or blocked me on FB at her insistence/distortion).

I don't know if she will blast him or not if I talk to her. What is your opinion? I would be inclined to think that he is being blasted every day! Not that I think that she will talk to me, my last call attempt on xmas eve resulted in a call from the cops.

What the heck is going one here!

My SD15 has sworn at me and called me names and has also said I'm the only person in the family that's ever stuck up for her. She's an adolescent and copng with a mom that's emotionally abusive to her, she likely feels isolated. Difficult stuff.

She's estranged from me because of mom It could be loyalty a child has for a parent or fear that mom may lash out at her for talking to someone age doesn't like. It could be how she copes and survives with mom.

Maybe it's a way if getting your attention to open a line of communication? I think you said he's irresponsible, perhaps he's simply negligent - benign. My opinion, it won't hurt to ask him. Leave mom out of it, it's not between you her and him. An option is you can forward the mail if you don't feel comfortable.

So how do you think that this will affect her in the long term? Does a BPD mother make a BPD daughter? I have a 15 year old girl and that in and of itself is not easy. What is your strategy to maintain the peace? How is it that you are estranged when mom rages at her? I would think that despite anything else that you would be a safe harbor for her?


As far as my situation goes, I have already forwarded the aforementioned mail so what is done is already done. I WAS good to him but was firm. He threw down boundaries and then moved them around like a child does but I stood my ground with mine. I think that although he respected me in the end, it frustrated the living daylights out of him because I was the first one that he realized that he could not manipulate.

I dunno, do you really think that these small things mean that he is trying to reach out to me? He could have easily done so through FB for example. He was FB friends with my cousin up until a month ago. She IM'd him to snoop and the subject of me and his mom came up. I was not surprised (but had a good laugh) when he referred to me as 'psycho' to her.

I just don't see it... .I think that these are just random impulses on his part that he really didn't bother to think through.

I'm sorry I got that wrong. I thought your mail was forwarded to mom and his was still delivered to your home.

I have a role in my cycle of conflict and I abandon that role. As you say he does strange little things; as well as my ex and it's confusing. She may be feeling intensely and is having difficulties with comprehension and cognitive distortions and will ask me to repeat questions often after explaining it, she baits and fishes and it's not personal to me. I control how I react and if I want to engage, invalidate or justify, attack, defend, explain (JADE) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0)

I try to remain centered from drama from her and my family so I can be emotionally resilient and healthy for my kids.

Many members here can relate when a pwBPD can be convincing, maybe she believes some of the bad things mom says about me? I certainly believed my ex at face value and didn't understand she was mentally ill. My SD doesn't know mom is ill, it is a person she has unconditional love for. It may also be because her father abandoned her at 2 and it's left emotional wounds and may fear that I may abandon her as well. If there's a lesson that my ex taught me, not everyone communicates their needs the same way and if I'm more self-aware, I can choose to look / listen closely for clues.

I think if you've sent him the mail and she is your ex, it sounds like you have cut the ties?

It seems that you have a very good strategy, albeit difficult, for maintaining your relationships. I wish it were easier.

Not sure exactly what you mean by that last sentence. It wasn't me that cut the ties: she broke up with me (disappearing act... .I have not spoken to her at all... .she blocked me and called the cops on me and such when I tried from a  hotel I was at)... .I have no contact with him or her at all

I'm sorry you went through that, I can relate. You didn't cut the ties.

My SD15's dad and her family suffered 15 years of conflict with my ex co-parenting. Her step-mom would cry for days at a time, sometimes a week because of how difficult and mean my ex was. The advantage I have is that I know she has personality disorder traits, whereas they didn't and he'd try to take the bull by the horn. Everyone suffered.

I was with my ex for 8 years; saw it first hand for 8 years.

I have another 15 years with the youngest.

There may not be an easy way, I can say I suffer much much less then his family did. Life is manageable, peaceful.

I hope that it stays that way for you and that there is a happy ending.

Thanks JRT.