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How do know if WE were not the replacement? Is there any way of telling?

jrt, um... .we were replacements, if there was somebody before us... .not sure what ya mean friend 

Everyone's different, but my ex had many, many, many ex boyfriends and husbands, it was a flow-through system where the cycles of the disorder just continued to repeat, and she's gotten left far more than she's done the leaving, except for the cheating, so her behaviors that came out of fear of abandonment at it's core ended up being a self-fulfilling prophesy.  So I was the new shiny object at one point, her most recent boyfriend 'hated' her and did 'heinous' things, and I'm sure I was followed by the next shiny object.  Take the lessons from our time spent in BPD school and move on; everything happens for a reason.

I have a different understanding of a replacement. Correct me if I am wrong but a replacement is one that does not necessarily possess the r/s criteria as the one that came before but serves to satisfy an assuaging need for the pwBPD. As I understand them, there was someone who truly was special to them in a romantic context that but their PD served to sabotage the r/s to the extent that it fails. I think that for the rest of the world the ancillary is a 'rebound'.

I replaced the guy before me. She broke up with him and then was back on POF. I messaged her one day and the rest is history. She said she never really loved him, though. That he was a rebound after she got dumped by this other guy she had been dating for 3 months.

 i was under the assumption, that like what fromheeltoheal said the next "shiny object" qualified as a replacement and right on down the line... .we were no more special than the one before or after us... .correct?

It depends where you are in the cycle.  During the idealization phase you are the most awesome man in the universe, the savior, the one who makes her whole, the one she's been waiting for her whole life.  Until you're not.  And after that you're the scumbag that is the cause of all her strife.  And you never changed.  But can you imagine how disappointing that must be to someone who sees in black and white and lives in fantasy?  So how does she deal with disappointment?  Start over, next shiny object... .

precisely, ie replacement, ie rebound. whatever label you wanna slap on it. NEXT! lol

I was not a rebound (as far as I know). Mine is a waif/hermit... .she drops off the radar and really doesn't date in between serious relationships. Her son is her supply and she rages at him ceaselessly. 

Jesus. This gd disease is so sad.

Can you elaborate on the r/s criteria? I ask because there's some accurate information on those attracted to and those who stay involved with a pwBPD.


This is probably pretty spot on. I would say it's deeper than romantic relationships. It includes all interpersonal relationships. "Replacement" would stem back to childhood needs. However, replacement has always been the term used here for a rebound type r/s. As far as I know anyway.

Mine left her marriage in 10 min. Ten years and went w me ? I was so love bombed I couldn't see what was happening ... I was falling just as fast as she was dishing it out. Shoot I didn't even know she was married she never even mentioned the guy ?

It's a crack up now because I know what happen but then I let her run the show, I thought she was a strong person w determination. I didn't even know what hit me. So if some of you have been replaced dont get mad at the replacement they are just innocent bystanders ... .It's like being a bare Christmas tree. Then there u are and a pretty face w a box full of lights and ornaments comes into your life. She places all these colorful lights and ornaments all over your natural features . Then plugs it in to the wall and your all lit up!

How does a blind fool even see. They are masters at there way to forfill their need. She was talking to me 24/7 two weeks before she left I tfigured the guy she was with wasn't even present?

So I guess I was a replacement ... .We lasted almost 4 years ... .I was all up in her stuff because when she was off I had a part of me curious if shed do that to me?

So get this the ex husband she left re married the gal of his dreams :) good for him. But the poor fellow blamed this all on me along w my ex like she was a poor manipulated victim ... .If he only knew she grabbed me up. I'm a slow processor not a fast mover. I only moved fast w her because she directed me.

Can you elaborate on the r/s criteria? I ask because there's some accurate information on those attracted to and those who stay involved with a pwBPD.[/quote]
I wish that I could... .it is more what I have gathered from reading various accounts here.

A rebound is a relationship someone enters into when they're not yet over one that ended, in the hope of it helping them get over the last one.  If the person is open and honest about it there's no problem, since whomever they hook up with is aware of what's going on and it's probably obvious anyway.

Borderlines are focused on attachments, someone to psychically fuse with to become whole, since they have an unstable and undeveloped 'self' of their own, and can literally feel they cease to exist without an attachment.  Contrast that with a Jerry McGuire "you complete me" sentiment, which can be healthy and romantic; this is an unhealthy fusing of psyches to create one person out of two, not two autonomous individuals coupling up yet retaining their individuality.  So when we say replacement we mean replacement attachment.

Well said.

I was told that i am an "upgrade" from her previous BF.

A dream come true.

Only to find out I was being played like a Steinway piano.

Unless you have a special place in her life, and even if it wasn't that special, you are the replacement. But for what? In the case of BPD, you will be a replacement for a parent. That's why you felt like you were taking care of a child. Codependency is pale in comparison even if you are codependent, which seems to be a common trait among nons.

And you were during the idealization stage, as was he in that stage.  And as the disorder goes through it's stages, you were both devalued, and whoever replaced you was the new 'upgrade'.  For a time.  It's easy to assign malicious intent to borderlines, and some of them are, but most likely the behaviors are a response to a constant fear of abandonment, and plenty of references to confirm that fear since they've probably been left more than once, and couple that with a borderline's belief that they aren't 'good enough' just the way they are and they will 'work it' to make sure you don't leave.  Which has the unfortunate consequence of forcing you to leave, or they sense that you will and leave you first.  Another disappointment in a long string for the borderline; the disorder is the only winner, everyone involved loses.

We were all replacements. The only ones that weren't replacements were the very first ones, the beginners.

Those were replacements too, for the caregiver they never successfully detached from in infancy, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.

A replacement for the void that has logical or possible means of solution.

There isn't one.

I really had a an 'ah ha!' moment with this statement. It was an unanswered question to me regarding some usual behavior by my ex to her family and friends when we got together. She always went on and on about my accomplishments and my hobbies (I have a few that I take pretty seriously). She would bring them up in a most unusual way when we saw her family and friends (it also included places we went to and things that we did, especially if they were unique). It was clear that she was selling herself and bragging a bit but though she would say 'JRT, did this or had this happen', it would be related in a tone and body language almost as if it were HER accomplishment and such.

Now I see why... .where clearly these were things that she shared with people to validate her, there were things that she took some sense of ownership by virtue of her fusion to me. These were now HER accomplishments and HER experiences. Might also explain why she was serious to, for example, learn my family's language (I am first generation American) when even I don't speak it any longer.

She otherwise had no real interests, hobbies, experiences, etc other than survival. She recalled few memories if any; no funny stories from her past, triumphs, disappointments... .we never looked at old pictures or yearbooks... .there were no friends of hers to go out with, we went out with mine. And when we did, she clearly ignored them. This has been quite the epiphany for me: there was clearly very little that defined this woman at all. Might not be the kindest of an analogy, but they are in this respect parasitic.

It also explains how, ate least with her, a sense of engulfment is inevitable.

Parasite is fairly accurate JR, especially when you consider a borderline attachment is a replaying of that earliest attachment to their primary caregiver that a borderline never successfully detached from, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  What is a baby to its mother if not a parasite, it fits the description exactly.

 I can see how I was the replacement to her ex husband. For a while I could do no wrong compared to him.  Now I am replaced and the new guy probably doesn't know what is happening to him.

Parasite to a host -A parasitic relationship is one in which one organism, the parasite, lives off of another organism, the host, harming it and possibly causing death. The parasite lives on or in the body of the host. A few examples of parasites are tapeworms, fleas, and barnacles.

Parasitic Relationships

yeah I think in the normal dating world like you said the ancillary word is "rebound."  Before I began my misadventures with the BPD vampire gf  I had normal breakups and sometimes rebound relationships.

Come to think of it the r/s with the exBPDgf was off the "rebound."  But to help try to answer your question during the many, many recycles I replaced my replacements several times... .including her ex-husband twice.   I was always "the only person who ever truly loved her" something she may believe for the rest of her life.

At this very moment I have no doubt she is working hard to latch on to a replacement and there will be additional attempts by her to get me back. Whether we are the replacement or replacing replacements we can never replace whatever it is they never had but always needed.

I resemble that remark! 

Yep, I'd say we were all replacements. First of all: pwBPD are looking for unconditional love, the love only parents can give so since the moment they live they are looking for that. So everyone was/is a replacement. When it comes to my exBPDgf it was like that: she is a hermit-witch and had very few relationships, the last before me she had had two years ago but until the day we got together she held on him in some way. She hated him, resent him and the funny thing is, she even met him when we were out with our team partying (he was a former team mate and left the team some time ago). She raged at him, I saw all of that, told me afterwards how she hated him and what an ___hole he was. And then there was me. Poof. The longing for him gone. I think they hold on to their last ex partner until there's someone new and it doesn't matter how long they've been broken up. So yeah, we were/are all replacements because the pwBPD are looking for that special kind of love no one could provide so far.

I replaced her husband. Now Ive been replaced by her old college buddy. Nuff said.

What I am working through is how I feel that I gave her unconditional love. Before we were in a relationship, I was her friend and witnessed her destructive behavior with other men. I didn't know about BPD then. I know better now by reading so many posts, but at that time I thought I could save her. I knew all she wanted was unconditional love. I gave that to her but my problem was that this was coming at the expense of my 8 year old daughter. Unfortunately my daughter was an obstacle in my ex's eyes.

I replaced her ex husband. She held on to him until she knew that she had me hooked. I think my ex held on to me till she found my replacement. From what I understand, my replacement is another doormat, so she is going to hold on till she gets her fill. That's what she did with me.

 JRT, my exBPDgf is also a waif/hermit so it's very difficult for us to fathom their actions based around what we see. Be under no illusion though that what you perceive and what is real can be very different. For example, my exBPDgf had an affair in December but was very convincing at the laying in bed, hugely depressed, unable to move, eat or sleep to the point she got what she wanted from me because I took care of her like you would do a sick child. Had it not been for the fact I was sent a copy of the photo of her in bed with someone else, I never would have known.

I know for a fact, I was the replacement to her ex, the guy in December was my short lived replacement and that there are probably several others right now. My ex also didn't jump straight into a relationship in the blink of an eye, however, she recycled old friends she had fallen out with in the past, started talking and stalking ex boyfriends, mirroring new supplies and such forth. A replacement isn't necessarily a romantic replacement in that sense, it's just another supply that fulfils that void. It can even come in the form of using children as a replacement too.

The view is going back to the triangle - Victim, persecutor, rescuer. The pwBPD will always align themselves to the victim role. The replacement usually sits in the rescuer role and the replaced in the persecutor role. Whether it's friend, lover, child or random stranger, whoever takes over the role of rescuer and moves you into the persecutor role is the replacement because essentially they are taking/replacing the position you once sat on in the triangle.

True that... .I am pretty sure that there was no other man during our recycles, it was the way that she said it that convinced me... .during the r/s, I pretty well accounted for the bulk of her time during the day, we were mostly together and when we were not, she was at work. Not saying that it would not have been possible, but it would have been very difficult and so sporadic that it would have been every blue moon. At the end, there was a thing or two that was odd that might give rise to the theory, but I believe that it is likely that there is no romantic replacement for me at this point.

While she never once raged at me, she raged at her ne'r do well (now) 18 year old son constantly. I know that things are not going well with him (can't hold a job, flunked out of community college, got thrown out of his dads house). I always noticed that she thrived on chaos (probably a function of her alcoholic parents upbringing and associated dysfunction); it was as if she was in constant search of the next crisis, checking her cell phone, email accounts, etc. and it would almost always come from her son or her job.  When it happened, it was never a sedate and professional response, it was just the opposite. She needed to share the play by play almost in a way that she NEEDED to. It didn't seem to make her happy; her body language and tone seemed to say 'this is home'. She was like a fish out of water otherwise.

This is why, RippedHeart that I am pretty sure that her son is my replacement and/or vice versa. What do you think?

It is entirely possible. Sounds a lot like you had established roles within the triangle, your ex being the victim, you being the rescuer and her son being the villain with both of your roles being interchangeable. Had a similar thing with my exBPDgf too and her 18 year old daughter where her daughter could do no right and would often have to listen about what a terrible daughter she was. The problem was I never saw her daughter that way, she could be snappy at times but what teenager isn't.

I recall my ex ranting about her daughter one night, how she was struggling with bills and got no help in the home yet her daughter had a part time job whilst still at school. I made the suggestion that maybe if things were difficult, she could ask her daughter for some financial help towards the cost of bills or food. After all, she was 18, living at home and it was only fair she contributed in some way. The triangle switched then to how perfect her daughter was and I became the villain for suggesting "her daughter doesn't do enough" when all I did was validate what she was saying and offered a suggestion that may help her situation. A day later, it was back to me being the rescuer and her daughter being the villain and after the incident, I kept my mouth shut.

My exN/BPDw was very much the same way with her d6 too, however, that was a little more intense and very uncomfortable. D6 was idolised to the point where d6 was given the responsibility of making the decisions for the family because she was "so intelligent and perfect" but it was too much pressure on d6 to carry that kind of weight and she would often get punished for not living up to expectation. My clashes with exN/BPDw were around not being supportive enough of the punishments, simply because I felt her d6 should not be given that level of responsibility. When we clashed, she would go sleep with d6 and I would be stonewalled but when I was the rescuer again, d6 was cast aside and if I focused my attention on d6 so she wasn't left out we then clashed again because I wasn't giving her the attention.

So yes, children can play a huge part in the triangle and I found either way you go, you still become the persecutor whether you agree or disagree with them. It did feel like being played because there were very few times all 3 parties were in alignment and if that did occur, it was very short lived.

I have wondered the very same thing... .was I just a replacement?

I talked to T about this, T has met with both of us and individually...

T said that she believed she truly did love me, probably more than she has ever loved anyone and the new supply is really more of a distraction, because she does not know how to handle the emotions of a real r/s and that it seems to her that there is no emotional attachment with new guy.

I hope she didnt think that would make me feel better!

Very sorry to hear this N2P... .there sure doesn't seem to be a lot of happy endings with pwBPD. Sorry to hear that you are having to endure this.

@Ripped Heart... .sent you a PM

I was definitely the replacement for the old boyfriend, carefully cultivated as the next through friendship (whenever we went out as a group, she blocked me off from other women, I even teased her about this at times). When she split from him, she waited about four months before we got together. She flirted with a few others but I was the one she started a whirlwind of a relationship with. We were together 2 and a half years then engaged. Two months after getting engaged, she left me and moved across country at the blink of an eye for her first boyfriend, who she hadnt seen in seven years, then reconnected with at a mutual friends wedding, her "one true love, who had always been there for her." Before that, whenever she spoke of him, she hated him, and they hadnt talked in seven years. What a joke. I have no sympathy for him, as he was texting her behind my back, telling her to come to him, that she was the only woman for him, he hadn't had a relationship since her, etc etc. High school level texting bull___, and he is a total downgrade. Yes, we are all replacements. The funny thing is, her mother noted to me that her fibromyalgia was never as bad as it was with me, thinks it was a total cry for more attention, despite me doing so much for her. I am now all black. Her best friend is a good friend of mine, and so ready to pack it in, hates talking to her, and has told me that I am being blamed and insulted for every crime you can imagine. I went from being "her prince" the "one who takes care of her and loves her even though she's broken" and the fiance she'd practically begged for for 2 years, to being her tormentor who she was lucky to escape from. I hate this disease.

Ha, my T told me the same thing, using almost the same speech. I think the T's tell us that so that we'll schedule another appointment so that they can get our money. Hell, the T's may even be manufacturing BPD's in a factory somewhere just to drum up business!

It is a terrible thing that we were all caught up in and have gone through.

I think this is on point for most of us. And to answer the question presented in the thread we were most certainly replacements.

I think I was the replacement for our daughter 18 who went off to college. After 2+ years of limited contact, and about a month after D18 had gone off to college, I was charmed back in after "rescuing" BPDxgf from the drunk tank. I was friendly for a bit because I figured I'd rather hang out with her than pick her up from prison again.

I had no clue about cluster B disorders at that time, but stumbled on them when researching dealing with an alcoholic girl friend. I tried to give it a go armed with how to deal with BPD but soon realized there was nothing I could do for her(especially when the devaluing started back up again).

The light bulb moment was that our daughter had turned 18 so could no longer be used as a manipulation tool on me. My daughter is now aware of her mom's condition, and I am 71 days no contact.

The night she turned on the love bombing and sucked me back in for a bit I was wearing a t-shirt for the band "The Replacements".

Ripped, I find this behavior all too familiar... .my exBPDw behaved precisely the same way around the time it turned out that she'd had an affair w/ an ex-boyfriend, who later became my replacement (and whom I'd likely replaced at the start of our relationship :)). 

I honestly didn't think that much of the behavior at the time.  Sure, it was extreme, but I really just chalked it up to a more dramatic version of her usual mode of self-pity.  'Sick child' sums up the behavior perfectly--she needed tons of soothing (more than usual).  Rather ironic that I was probably just helping sooth the guilt for her indiscretions.

So thankful that this person grows smaller in the rear-view mirror each day. 

Mine forgot most of her childhood and either did not recall or did not express specifics about the more recent past.

For instance, she would say something like "we used to have parties in so and so's garage" but never say "one time, at so and so's garage party, someone tried to crash the party and... .".

Very murky.  It was a red flag and made me uncomfortable as if her brain did not function normally or she was trying to keep me unaware of most things.  Also, if you are vague it is probably easier to lie or mislead because details usually give you away.  Who knows.

We were all replacements. It's the nature of the disorder.


I was the replacement of my exBPDbf's second ex-wife. His current fiancee is my replacement. In a few years, I'm sure there will be another replacement. We are all the same, interchangeable dolls in a dollhouse built from need.


This is the sad truth.

Hazelrah and Rippedheart. ___, that was the last month of my relationship, after she claimed she was roofied but I think she hooked up with her ex, who is now my replacement. And possibly cheated on me while traveling, damnit... .

It's not just our ex's that are messed up. We are messed up too(most of us). That's the question to the answer. I haven't fully found the path yet, but look within for your answers.

What I think is we all want to be that one special someone. They look at it like supply and demand. They wanted someone new whether or not WE viewed the r/s as their most valued or not. Whether he/she is a waif or not. WE had in our minds we were different/special to them. Our time was intimate/sexual/real/important in our minds only.

If they can dump us and insist on not seeing us or having any communication we are not who they want to be with. It is sad, it is lonely and it is unreal they cut the tie so quickly and without emotion. I really don't care if my ex is sitting at home alone right now. He left. I resent him for it.