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I thought it might be helpful to go back down memory lane and reading old posts and threads might help me with my detachment.  

Actually it is helping.  just perusing  these threads which span over 3 years I can detect big changes in myself... .it seems like I have become stupider! My vocabulary and writing has deteriorated and my thinking is apparently skewed compared to before.

Anyways it is helping to put into perspective what I am going through. One thing which I noticed in reading my old posts and more recent threads... .the downhill slide in my life runs parallel to the downhill slide in my exgf's life.  The major difference is I started at a much higher point than her but might be going down a steeper hill!

Her life right now is the lowest. I don't even want to get into it but she has lost so much in 4 years... .including almost losing her freedom... .cutting herself and blah blah blah.

As for me I have become an financial and emotional basketcase. My addiction to this person has brought me to the brink of financial ruin.

While reading through threads I am reminded of so many cruel, abusive and crazy moments that I have blocked out of my memory.

It is helping me feel less resentful for not receiving 1/10 of 1% of what I gave in return. How could I ever expect this person to give me anything but grief?  I must have been hallucinating in the last year or so when I was in a continuous r/s with this person.

Something that I forgot about was gaslighting and how hurtful it could be.  The recent events contained a lot of gaslighting and I think is a cause of much of my pain.

Oh well... .I hope I can take this mindfulness into the weekend not take so much so personally.

nowhatz 

I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now in terms of what feels like a downhill slide as well as the financial and emotional impact this has had on you. Breaking free and healing can be a tough process and it has it's ups and downs along the way.

It sounds like you are still holding on to a lot of anger and resentment for the things you so desperately needed and wanted from your ex and you do have an understanding that she was incapable of providing those things for you. I felt the same way about my ex too in the beginning, the things I had done for her and the grief or abuse I got back in return. However, we give those things freely, not because we expect something in return but because we want to give them. I bought my ex a car and despite her saying she would pay me back, I knew given her financial struggles that it was impossible for her to do that. After the r/s was over, she would find a way back in by bringing up the fact she wanted to stay in contact so she could repay me. That's when I made the choice to let go and instead offered her a proposal. I asked her that when she found the happiness she so desperately needed and got herself to the place she wanted to be, that instead of repaying me financially I wanted her to help someone else in need and to remember that in life, people do for others because they care.

There is something our exs give us that is far more valuable than anything we have done for them. They give us the opportunity to heal, a chance to learn from the lessons of these relationships, grow within ourselves and find true happiness. They open that door for us but the work to get there is something we have to do ourselves. Breaking free of any addiction is a very difficult process but it isn't impossible and the first step starts with you wanting to make that change.

It's easy to take these types of relationships personally, to hold on to that resentment and to tear ourselves up over them. After all, we fell in love with someone whose main purpose in life was one of survival and need. That's not to say they didn't care or they didn't try to love, just that they couldn't sustain that and eventually it all falls apart. We can feel angry at ourselves because we committed so much to that relationship, the sacrifices we made and the time invested in trying to make it work. That is ours to own and work through. We can feel resentment at feeling used and giving too much of ourselves but we gave willingly, whether it was to try and hold on to a sinking ship or simply because of the people we are, that too is ours to work through. It's through taking that responsibility of our actions within our relationships, understanding why we did the things we did and forgiving ourselves, that we start to find peace within ourselves and essentially create the building blocks needed to start building our strength to become the people we want to be.

None of it is easy, but the gift our ex's gave us was the ability to understand, to learn these lessons and become the people we want to be. There is no price you can put on that and for me, it's one of the greatest gifts my ex gave me.

Ripped Heart,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write your thoughtful and kind reply and input.

I too would be happy for my ex to be in a position to help others and do it because she cares.

You know she used to be a caregiver/medtech and was one of the best but it was her job. But she blew that forever because she stole from one of the patients and got arrested.

Yes only 2 months ago I would have never expected to feel this way, holding on to resentments. When I helped her I knew full well I would never get anything back even though she promised to do it but I was fine with it. 

I don't know how it happenned that we became close again just afterward and now after it collapsed so many bad feelings have surfaced.  Ripped Heart I wish I could turn back the clock to just 2 months ago when I was seemingly on my way to really detaching.

It all seems so surreal and unexpected. I am definitley more angy at myself than resentful towards her.

I am determined to learn and get through this.  There is no other way.  Anything else would be the end of me.

Thank you so much!