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Well I had to break up with my best friend this week. :'( It was long overdue but it was important. I found out some inconsistencies in his behaviour to me (aka lies) and he was increasingly disrespectful over the past year.

I was hoping that my being a passive aggressive loser would just let him trickle off peacefully but that was stupid. I should have known better. Being brave is so hard. Confrontation is so hard. I hate it. Hiding my head in the sand is so much easier and totally ineffective.   He confronted me asking what was up with our friendship. I responded with a few brutal truths. He lashed out. I stayed calm and respond with my truths and apologized for my part in the breakdown of the relationship but stood my ground. This was all by email. I am sure he will respond one more time and I intend to stay calm and let him have the last word and move on with my life.

However, this situation has brought to light some lies that this friend told me about my ex wBPD. On one occasion I asked the friend if what my ex said they discussed was true and the friend point blank denied it. So of course I believed the friend not the ex who had lied many times of late and was dysregulated off and on. Now I find out that the ex was being honest and sincere and the friend was stone cold lying. Ouch. So I feel terrible about telling the ex he was lying when he wasn't.

I have always preached to exwBPD that apology and owning responsibility for ones bad acts is critical. So I decided to break NC with an email and apologize. It may open a can of worms but I hope not. He has a replacement and all his female orbiters well in place. He is also tight lately with the friend I "broke up with". So hopefully he can just go on hating me and not respond. Even if he does respond I think I will be ok. I hope so at least. I hate that I didn't believe him when he was actually telling the truth. How horrible. Regardless I wanted to be a decent person and apologize.

So there I did it. When it turns into a poop storm I shall endeavour to just not respond. We were in a triangle the 3 of us for sure and I just can't partake anymore. So friendship over, engagement over, apology made, amends attempted and life moves on.

Bahahahaha and here I am posting at 3:30 am. Hilarious. When I am crying over the fallout I'll be back.

Thanks for listening all. I just needed a little validation myself tonight. hugs peace and happiness to you all. 

I feel so much better today. I feel like I set boundary and stuck up for myself. I feel like I owned my poop and made my amends but still managed to retain my dignity. Yup this boundary stuff is uncomfortable but critical. I only hope I can keep learning and improving.

I am glad you are feeling better Hope2727.     It is admirable for you to own up and make amends.

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable when you are not quite used to it. 

It seems that you are making great improvement with yourself.  |iiii

Thank you. My friends are all very upset that I emailed him but I really feel bad that I believed my friend who was lying over my ex. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I only hope he doesn't twist it to use against me in some manner. You just never know. Oh well. I did what I felt was honourable. Hopefully he will interpret it that way. I haven't heard from him at all so I guess no news is good news.

The only person you have to believe is yourself.     I understand how you do not want him to use it against you, but you said that you felt what you did was honorable and right. It does not matter what he thinks/feels, it  should only matter what you feel.   

Wow I keep getting raging emails from the friend I ended it with. I tried to apologize for my part and say I forgive him his but that I don't think I can trust him again. He just keeps sending letter after letter. I am feeling "JADEd". How interesting. I finally had to detach by saying I love and forgive him and I am sorry for my part but I can't respond anymore as its not productive anymore. So its been a bit of a yucky day but at the same time a huge relief. So sad. But I really can't trust him anymore and he was just getting increasingly disrespectful. Now he can enjoy my exs smear campaign to its fullest as they are thick as thieves these days.

 :'( Well I said I'd be back when the tears started. It isn't all that back in truth.

I had an email from the exfiance wBPD today in response to my apology. I honestly didn't think he would respond at all and I am not the least bit shocked at the response he did send. I am disappointed I guess. He was beyond abrupt. Made 2 points one of which was that he is on meds and happy now and was not diagnosed mentally ill. He was just miserable.

That made me feel like he is implying that I made him miserable. In truth he was off and on elated then miserable as long as I have known him. So the replacement must be putting him in the elated stage right now. Oh well. I wish them both well.

The second point is that he never wanted to hear from me again.  Ok then. I guess that is that. So much for the man who said he thought we would always be friends. Apparently not. Mind you he also said that seeing me is like looking in a mirror and he couldn't stand what he saw. So maybe its all part of his journey that he not see his own reflection until he is ready.

I am ok. Really I am. A bit rattled but ok. I miss him. I love him. I forgive him. I wish him peace and happiness. I just wish some for me too. I also wish it would hurry up and get here already.    Well another gruelling day at work. Now I am going to have a shower and a little cry and then I am going to try to find my happy again.

Thank you for listening all. I really do appreciate the ear. I know NC is for us to heal. I know I chose to email him my apology. But I have to be true to myself and that for me was my truth. How he receives it is his truth. Is just all part of my journey to being my best me I guess.

Any suggestions for when these blips on the emotional map occur for how to self soothe and move past them quickly? I hate that they upset me so much. Although in truth I am finding this one pretty quick and not to deeply painful. 10 months ago I would have had to leave work I would have been so upset. This time I am just skipping the gym and having a cry.

PS the ex best friend sent yet another long email taking no personal responsibility for his terrible actions and blaming it all on a huge misunderstanding as he thinks his partner pocket dialled me and said all those horrible things. Talk about throwing someone under the bus as a scape goat. I am just not responding. I am just glad to know the truth. Its just another disappointment is all.