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6 months out almost , got angry thinking about how she used and discarded me sent her a few texts of me looking great and out with other women (childish I know) even worse I raged at her said some pretty mean things I was drunk .

I've dated 10 + women since she left and I still feel lost without her , I've tried everything keeping busy , new activities gone into therapy but I just feel so much loss and sadness


My T said I don't miss her I miss the part of me I gave to her that she discarded .

I spent 6.5 years with a women I wanted to marry and would have done anything to make happy and I was used and thrown out like yesterdays trash .

So fed up with feeling like this , wish I could just be happier without her

Wow... .he's right, you know. 

6 months for 6.5 years is not enough time to heal.  You WILL heal if you keep taking steps, you will.

It's painful. I'm going through the same thing but only had three years of friendship and four months of a relationship.  Nothing makes sense. It was a solid relationship until she sabotaged it. She painted me black for no reason. I just have to hunk how crazy she is and I'm so better off without her

What I found that helped me work through the pain and the anger was to remember to focus on what I was gaining and not what I was losing.  I was not missing the constant drama.  I was not missing putting my emotional needs aside just to keep the peace.  I was not missing the constant insecurities and feeling off balance and never really sure where I stood.

When the sadness for me would get overwhelming I would remember to shift my focus on what lies ahead of me.  The future and opportunities that come with it.  Life is full of twists and turns.  Things will change for the better.  And now that I was out of this relationship the door was open for me to find a healthy reciprocal relationship.  Not the deceitful and hurtful mess that I was in!  Yes I was depressed but I also felt a relief being out of the toxicity.

So when the pain and anger start to take a hold on you, remember to shift gears on how you're really better off in the long run.  As painful as this is... .it's only temporary.  Look forward to the future ahead of you.  You will be happy again.

Dobie

I am about six months out as well. We were together for almost six years. We were suppose to get married this year and ride off into the sunset. Instead I was replaced and discarded like trash.

What helps me is learning as much as I can about the disorder. Focusing on me and doing the things I enjoy even when I don't feel like doing them. And learning about everything she lied to me about. I have learned over the last few.months many of the things she told me were not true. I knew she lied throughout the relationship it what I have found out recently floored me.

Also I don't miss the constant jealousy walking on eggshells and the constant me me me.

My therapist told me what I have now is an ache. I want something I cannot have... .the fantasy of who I thought she was and the life we were suppose to have. And I have  to learn to live with the ache. But the good news is as time goes on the ache will disappear.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, dobie.   Don't beat yourself up for missteps - look at them as opportunities to learn and grow instead.


Maybe you should take some time and really sit with and process through your feelings?

The distractions of keeping busy are great right after the breakup, to help us get through that hellish raw period. And it's always good to try new activities, do fun things, and in general enjoy life. :)

But right now it sounds like your Self might be trying to tell you to slow down and focus on your feelings. Follow the need and you will find yourself.


I know it hurts like hell to feel used and discarded by the one person you would have done anything for.   It's hard not to take the disorder personally.

Your T's assessment is stunningly eloquent. It sounds like you have a good one in him/her.  |iiii

It's true. What we gave to our BPDexes and they discarded were our own "false selves" - how we wish to appear to others, our protective self, what makes us feel special and worthy and lovable. This "false self" is what our BPDex mirrored initially, then threw away (as they eventually throw away all selves they try on). When we get pushed off our pedestal is when we begin to realize that our "false self" is no longer working.

Here's an excerpt from member 2010 that I found helpful:

Borderlines want so hard to see their own face that they demand we create one for them. People who are "understanding driven" get drawn into this dilemma. Knowledge seekers, passionate, compassionate, creative, and highly questioning of life; the understanding partner then "imagines" what the borderline wants and tries to uncover what they think the borderline is hiding. They feel that with the borderline, all they need is to guide, teach and show the way. The false self that the borderline mirrors gets in the way and the partner tries to remove it. The mystery unravels that the person they loved was themselves -- what's left now is the mystery of who really is the borderline. The mystery exists because the borderline is empty.

Our borderline partner starts to hurt us when we seek to remove the false self they have mirrored. They use abuse to pull us under control. Our painful ego is easy to "pinch" because we fear abandonment. We stop questioning them and turn to questioning ourselves. What did we do to deserve this? During this time, they either pull us back under their control with blame and projection or seek another "understanding driven" person or a narcissist to host them.

Dobie,

Straight dude here but right there with ya 100%.  Your therapist is right (and mine was too).  It's about that part of yourself that you feel died with the relationship.  The fact that we lost so much of ourselves in these relationships really does speak to how unhealthy they were.

Try to remember back to the person you were before you met her.  Did you have any hobbies or activities you put aside while you were with her?  Is it possible to reconnect with those now?  For me, it was something really simple but it's something I stopped while we were together.  It made me feel independent.  Traveling also helped preferably to new places to make new memories independent of her ghost.

Six months is not that long.  Ten different girls in that time and still feeling as you do should be enough to tell you to stop.  Stop looking for answers within these other women.  Look inside yourself.  Be patient.  Learn to accept the small wins.  This will take time.

I just read an article about grieving.  I think that after the initial hurt settled and anger, I still needed to grieve.  And I was avoiding that pain.  I now dedicated myself to grieving the loss if I still need to.  But healthy grief, not wanting her back or missing her unnecessarily.  Maybe that can help your situation?

Thanks guys/gals

I used to lift but quit a year or so in  I pretty much kept all my hobbies during the r/s I miss the closeness to another human the most , the plans for a future having a bf ... .

Doing things as a couple I'm a terrible loner .

I've not been single for 16 years ,  to me she was a prize young , smart , sexy , and she worshipped me though looking back over the last few years I was gradually becoming more and more devalued , put upon , cared for less blamed , resented , unappreciated etc

That's what makes this all so wacky !

My T said I suffered a core childhood wound myself and that this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my abandonment , immaturity  and low self esteem

He told me I choose her so she could destroy me so that I could be reborn a form of psychic death if you will that part of me that would be attracted to such an immature woman the raging child in me that needs to die so I can mature myself .

Intellectually understanding and taking it on a deeper level so its becomes part of me is a longer process .

Dobie, my heart goes out to you, you wrote how I feel discarded and abandoned. I know there is much work to be done and your T sounds so right. It takes time... .I was with my ex BPD fiancé for 8 years. I cannot heal in 4 months. I want to and I pray everyday that I get rid of the feeling of loss quickly but it doesn't happen.

I went on only one date and I found I compared him to my ex and it was awful because then I just deleted him. He tried to contact me and I would not respond. He wanted to go golfing which I love to do but no. I discarded him. I am so not ready and I don't need to hurt someone else because I hurt so dating is off limits until my adult child issues are more resolved... .

Hang in there. Your pain is real, it is because you loved. Your ok. and you will continue to be ok. Be kind to yourself.

Frankly, I think your therapist is trying to sound deep by grasping at straws.

Focus on what is observable versus neat interpretation that anyone can spin to sound deep, it's not hard for someone with a master degree to come off much more credible and intelligent than they deserve.  There are obvious ways to do this when you are speaking within your field.

To be fair raisins he started the therapy by looking at me and my issues as well as my previous  r/s the focus for him is on me not her . the issues and feelings I've had were with me before I met her and were according to him part of the reason we got together . so yes a quote like that does sound "trite" but taken in context of my own core wound and the dysfunction and immaturity of the pair of us it makes sense .

What he is saying is it could have been any girl what I'm missing what I long for has nothing to do with her she is just the surface of something larger .