BPDFamily.com

Hi group,

After the vocation I'm back in my city. I refused his wish to recycle. I deleted him from FB. I don't hate him, but I don't know how to be a normal "friend" with him.

I miss him a lot. I know if I call him, if I send a message, I can see him at once, but I can't. I need to work every day more than 14 hours which requires lots of concentration. But as we all know, this kind of relationship takes too much energy. My heart was ruined, but I don't want to ruin my career.

I love him, although I don't think he is a good choice for my life;

I love him, but I'm not strong enough to stay with him, I am so scared of the next sudden break-up; (the feeling is like dwelling in hell, I dare not try it for the 3. time)

I want to see him, but I can't. When I think about his words, I felt he sometimes hated me to death;

I want to love someone else, but I can't forget him.

I'm such a mess. After I met him, I don't know what I want. He took away all my happiness. Broke up with him, I am sad. Staying with him, I am also sad. We did have great time, I don't know why we are today like this... .

Why can't he be normal, why I love him. How can I find my happiness back, the true happiness, without emptiness? I am looking for the answer.

 Hi apple.

Sorry you going through this I have been right where you are. The more time goes by all of this will subside.

    For one he is not "normal"and will never be able to have a" normal "r/s. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him be "normal" (for lack of a better term)

Please dont ever forget him or what has happen to you. Forgiveness is much more important , it only benefits you to forgive does nothing for him. (Im not saying contact him and forgive im am talking about internally) its all about you know. (I smile when i think finally i matter) You will get their just hang on and absolute n/c.

   " he took your happiness" that's huge! You gave him way to much power.  No one should have that kinda influence on you. i let my diagnosed exBPDgf take my happiness as well , its just starting to come back. It takes time Yours will to I have no doubt. Share here , take time to heal , talk to family friends , take care of yourself ,and totall n/c . ( I said n/c alot its just that important)

Read your own post and be honest with yourself. Would you really consider a life time of this! I think not. We are here for you . Glad you reached out there are some really helpfull people here going through exactly what you are . You will be ok.

I saw my BPD exwife today at our daughter's school function. After 22 years I am still attracted to her, but all I can imagine when I see her is her being with another man who she cheated on me with. After one year separated it's very painful to just look at her. I avoid any extra conversation and stay focused only on things related to the kids (we have joint custody) and always keep in mind THERE WILL NEVER BE CLOSURE. It is worthless to talk about it with her bc she refuses to accept culpability for her adultery and blames me. We will never be friends bc who wants a friend who is untrustworthy and slanders you? I find the less contact I have with her the easier life gets. I HAVE to have contact with her bc of the kids but if I didnt have that I would never talk to her again no matter how painful it seemed. Try your best to move to something else. Distract yourself. You ex-lover is mentally ill and prob wont ever get help.

Hi apple2, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  It's one thing to have the urge to contact your Ex, and another thing to act on it, which so far you have avoided.  On some level, I think you know that you had an unhealthy r/s, and that you "don't think he is a good choice for [your] life."  Of course, he isn't, but that doesn't make it any less painful.  In some ways, a r/s with a pwBPD is like an addiction, and you are experiencing normal withdrawal symptoms.  Like an addict, you know its bad for you but still want to go back, it seems.  Instead, I suggest that you stay the course.  Feel the pain of withdrawal, I suggest, knowing that it is leading you to a happier place.  LuckyJim

It takes months, but we are designed to forget what hurts us. Your only option is enduring, rest assured it will get better.

Greetings Apple2... .I already like you just by virtue of your screen name, big time Apple guy  here! lol

As i read your thread, my heart just goes out to you on so many levels.  The responses are absolutely accurate and true and i suspect they may have already progressed to a different level than you and me.

I too, am in that mindset that I miss my dBPDso and question myself on why i do.  He is mean spirited, accusatory, never accepted responsibility for any of his actions (it was always my fault) and on and on... .the same thing that i am certain countless posters on here have experienced as well.

Sun Seeker is 100% spot on with the forgiveness factor.  It's not for them, it is for us; because they never feel they have done anything wrong. The pain of being involved on a day to day basis is excruciating and so detachment is the logical thing to do; however, my head knows that, it just hasn't given the info to my heart. i have forgiven him for my own sanity. 

i have also given away too much power over me to him and now I find it difficult to take it back.  I want my contentment and happiness to return but it seems long in doing so.  I have read all the info i can on the subject and have head knowledge that i n need to redirect my energies, involve myself with family and friends and i try that on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others but I don't feel i have progressed in that area as much as I'd like to.

The bottom line is the same: I still love him deeply and miss the good times we shared for almost 4 years.  it's just that simple.

the detachment phase will eventually reap freedom, it just seems evasive At the moment. it's almost like a "haunting"  I attempt to do the exact same things as "22 years" but so far, it hasn't become easier as everyone says it will... .

I am attempting to stay focused and direct my energies in other directions.  I am acutely aware of the down side of a BPD r/s that is organic, its the emotional roller coaster that defeats me. 

I just wanted to tell you that i emphatize with you completely and hope and pray the day will come for both of us that the pain subsides and we can have some relief.

sorry for the long post, just helps to vent; i think. The best of everything to you Apple2  i understand your pain 1000%

big hugs apple2 - i had a tough night last night too but really fought that urge to make contact and succeeded.   she's been gone a year but recycled three times... .each time I think it takes me back to square one.   hang in there!

Had the briefest email contact with mine and it took me 2 days to recover. Don't touch the kryptonite. I will take you back to square one.

apple, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.   It's painful and heartbreaking and hard. In the face of it all, you show a lot of strength, understanding, and compassion.

It's perfectly ok to be a mess right now. This relationship was intense and left a lot of devastation in its wake. You need and deserve time to feel your feelings, to process and heal. 


|iiii

He contacted me last week. I deleted him from FB but did not block him. He sent me messages and wanted to see me. What he did is just on the contrary of what he said during the break-ups. I can't tell his true face, therefore, I can't be with him. With him, I just felt everyday is a lie... .Feeling is fact, that is totally the description of mine.

As with everyone on here Apple, I understand your pain. I've just been exposed to the kryptonite again and it blows. Right back to square one, where I was when I left. I love her so very much but I can't be with her. I saw her for the first time in four months (I felt strong and in control) and we had a talk, she was so disarmingly charming and wonderful yet I knew what was going on, as it worked on me once before. A week later, when we've agreed to be 'friends' it's clear that I'm being taken for a ride to support her ego. Picked up and dropped via text and call when there's no attention from elsewhere.  I'm on my ass, her head is up her's. Keep NC, keep storming forward and never ever look back.

Yes LuckyJim, I felt the strong pain of withdrawal. I don't want to undergo once more. It's too much. After all, this kind of break-up doesn't have a gradual process. You can never prepare for it, even not a little bit. Everything is perfect, you have high expectation and feel wonderful. Suddenly, all fall apart.

I think I really need to block him. I can endure by myself, but I can't read anything he sent me.

Hi Draptamp,

thanks for sharing your own experience with me.  Apple is a good word, brings me the feeling of happiness  4 years are quite long. I can imagine the pain you suffer. It's a hard process to detach.

Forgiveness is actually not an issue at all for me. I hope I will feel more anger, it will help me to stay strong and set boundary. However, I can't hate him or blame him because I love him. I felt miserable after the break-ups, but I know when he intended to hurt me, when he said the mean things, he was also not happy. He looked so upset, and I didn't know what I could do to let him calm down. When he was with me, at least he was happy and peaceful. After he broke up with me, he posted some pictures or songs on FB, he was also sad, hurted, filled with anger. I didn't know what to do. I am a trigger for this... .

There is somehow a wall between him and me. Maybe because he is a person with PD, while I am Non. Regardless how many books I read, I can't touch his heart and spirit. I felt powerless and desperate.

The bad part is, I can't tell his true face anymore. Therefore, any conversation between us let me feel pointless. Maybe everything he said is true, he just changes the truth from time to time... .

I achieved a lot of distraction through work by myself. Thanks God. I hope he will not try to reach me. I can say 10 times "no" to him, but perhaps at the 11.time, I fail. My sympathy is still there. I can never see that he feels so miserable.  He can ignore how miserable I felt, he can hurt me by mean words, but I can never do the same thing back to him.

Pray for us for the freedom!

I'm proud of you that you succeeded! I hope I will be there after a short period. I need to always have the courage to say NO.

I know what you are saying. He sent me two sentences, I needed a week to think about it in my spare time. ... .This relationship is too expensive. If a month with him is filled with happiness, I need to pay with two miserable months thereafter.

It's really like an addiction. Detachment is hard, but I was almost there. I need to resist this kind of seduction for my whole life and not to be addicted again.

Everyone with a dangerous spirit has a beautiful face... .just like the description in fairy tales... .hard to resist but the cost is high. Need to stay strong... .need to not be touched by his words, not show any sympathy when he looks so sad.

Bless for both of us and all people here.

That ^^^^^

You will have the urge for a while... .it's okay.  :)o whatever you need to do to distract yourself and resist the urge.

You will be in pain for a while... .I'm sorry for that.  But the longer you remain n/c, the more you will begin to see, think and act clearly.  The r/s (and all its unhealthy dynamics) will begin to sort themselves out in your mind. If you stay on these boards and continue reading and educating yourself, you will come to a place of clarity.  Then you will turn the focus away from him and onto yourself, and begin to heal.

You asked, " I don't know why we are today like this... ."

"We" are like this because he is mentally ill. He has a disorder that makes for chaotic, intimate r/s's.  This will not change - even if you go back a 4th time.

YES! Block him. It will make you sad to do it, but you will feel peace.

Your healing won't begin until you go n/c. Talking with him is like picking at an open wound. How in the world can you heal under those circumstances?

Even with proper therapy, problems with interpersonal functioning are the least likely to remit.

Agree w/you, jhkbuzz.  Takes a while for the muddy water to clear.  Healing from a BPD r/s, as you suggest, involves learning to care about oneself again.  In my view, one needs to come to the realization that one deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, particular by one's SO.

It sounds easy, but it's hard after putting the emotional needs of one's BPD SO first for so long.

LuckyJim

I hope you can hold on until it passes, meeting up is not worth going back to square 1 for :)

Trying not to look back

Dear Apple, I've read your post several times because I am exactly in the same scenario. I know all the reasons why I should have n/c. I know all the reasons why no one with any common sense at all would choose the pain of a relationship with a dBPDso, in short I KNOW all the reasons. My head tells me that but my heart has never absorbed the message. I question, continuously, why do I care after all the pain, rages, blaming, projecting, splitting, lies, silent rages etc. It truly is a phenomenon. There is no rhyme nor reason to still caring. I would never treat myself the same way; but I can't stop ruminating about good times, belief of his lies about how he'd never leave me no matter what!

I try to believe what everyone says about it getting better... .it's been almost a year since the last breakup and I'm no better off as far as feeling differently.

This is a clue that these persistent feelings actually have nothing to do with your ex, and are actually all about YOU - whether it be a repetition compulsion (repeating a dysfunctional r/s dynamic in the hopes of getting it "right" this time; a self esteem issue, a "rescuing" issue, etc.)  Your healing will not begin until you start to grasp that the issue is not that your ex won't come back - the issue is that there is something unresolved in YOU that prevents you from letting go.

Are you seeing a T?

(P.S.  I am 7 months out from an 8 year r/s; 6 months n/c.  While I am still on a journey of healing, I wouldn't say that "I'm no better off as far as feeling differently."  There is a WORLD of difference between how I felt at 1 month post b/u and 7 months post b/u. I'm not fully healed; sometimes I still miss the good parts, and sometimes I simply feel lonely after an 8 year r/s; but I am no where near as devastated as I was in the aftermath).

Very well said. I have the same problem, by the way. Its not about missing your ex.

Thanks for sharing ^

The comment about repetition compulsion got me thinking - for me, I think I keep yearning to re-engage because I dream that we could make it work *this* time.   All signs during the recycle events in the past year point to her not having changed one bit (maybe even a bit worse) so why am I being so delusional.  I found the following on cirp.org and it seemed to relate to some of the "addiction" that I seem to feel for her:

       Self-help organizations for people with addictions or with backgrounds that include childhood traumas or parental addictions have elaborated a model of treatment that appears to address many of the core issues of repetitive traumatization. These groups provide people with both human attachments and a meaningful cognitive frame for dealing with the sense of helplessness that is central to these problems... They focus on the development of "serenity," which can be understood both as a state of automatic stability and of being at peace with one's surroundings. These groups teach that the way to gain this serenity is by learning to trust, by surrendering, and by making contact and developing interpersonal commitments. They provide a support network that attempts to avoid the barriers that people create to bolster their individual differences, and they thus endeavor to circumvent the shame of being helpless and vulnerable that perpetuates social isolation. Shame and social isolation are thought to promote regression to earlier states of anxious attachment and to addictive involvements. In these circles it is said that: "No pain is so devastating as the pain a person refuses to face and no suffering is so lasting as suffering left unacknowledged."23 There is emphasis on living in the here and now, generally with the acknowledgement that in contrast to victimized children, adults can learn to protect themselves and make a conscious choice about not engaging in relationships or behaviors that are known to be harmful. The underlying assumption is that conclusions drawn from a child's perspective retain their power into adulthood until verbalized and examined. In a group context, victims can learn that as children they were not responsible for the chaos, violence and despair surrounding them, but that as adults there are choices and consequences.23,137

These groups also teach that in order to avoid repetition, one has to give up the behavior, drug, or person involved in the addiction. Acknowledging the addictive quality of the involvement is known as overcoming denial. Avoiding acknowledging the feelings promotes acting out. Traumatized people need to understand that acknowledging feelings related to the trauma does not bring back the trauma itself, and its accompanying violence and helplessness. There must be emphasis on finding replacement activities and experiences that are more rewarding, successful and powerful in the immediate present. These may include being of help to victims of similar traumas as one's own.

Thanks for sharing all the information. I also kept thinking we could make it work this time, and of course nothing is changed.

That was addiction. I realized it. It is hard to detach, but even harder to keep oneself away from the "drugs", when they come back into your life unexpectedly. It brings happiness for short-term, but just as drug, not healthy in the long run.

NC is at best. I don't have the dream any more. After the broke up circles I feel I don't want to engage in any relationships right now... .

I truly understand the split of the head and the heart, the life wisdom and the emotion. All of them are controversial, because of the partner with BPD.

I was once in a "dangerous" situation. I began to think if something bad happened, and if I didn't have enough time to call everyone, whom would I call? I sadly saw that I would definitely not call him, because I didn't know whether he liked me at that time or hated me, whether he wanted to hear my voice or not. I would give the precious time to people who care about me without doubt.

I once had bad mood, and needed a talk. I sadly saw that I could not call him, because he would not have patience to hear what I was saying, if his feeling on that day was somewhere else.

I once forgot my key and could not enter my apartment after finishing work at night. I took out the phone, tried to call someone to stay there for a night. I sadly saw that I would never call him in that case. Rather prefer a hotel.

The thing is, even I love him, I know he is not a reliable person when I need help, comfort, support... .he can be very considerate and helpful, but only when he is in that mood.

We all know, trust is an important issue, even for a normal friendship... .Not refer to a life partner, a lover, a husband or a wife. 

This was really fascinating and I went to cirp.org to read more but it's a website about... .circumcision?  lol!

that's the funniest thing!  yes, correct website but i got to the article by a direct link.   Here it is - sorry about that!  www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/