BPDFamily.com

I'm feeling really mentally weak today. I'll be on my way out the door in several weeks, so I just have to be strong for a bit more.

I'm reading and reading and reading. This helps me because I know I'm not alone and I can see everything everybody else goes through that I've gone through. But I need help with one thing. I'm really asking for honestly out there because this is really eating away at me.

In a nutshell; four years ago I left New York to come to Florida and live with my significant other. I'm keeping this brief. She was the love of my life, the last woman I've ever be with, and she felt the same.

Question coming up here. My goal was to create an online business for myself. Since closing down my business in New York, of course I would need an income and success to raise my family the way I had intended. I expected within about a years time to be up and running with a successful online business and money coming in. Many times I stressed to her that one day should be able to work in the garden doing what she loves best, working with flowers and plants, and have all the time she needed to raise her daughter properly. I made a big mistake asking her to be part of the business I intended for us as she knew nothing about business. Anything that she suggested that might not have been a good idea, I had to give an explanation as well as handle it would kid gloves. It never worked out. She took everything to the extreme and threw it back in my face. I knew if I was going to do anything I'd have to do it myself. But in the four years I've been here I feel that I have not been able to concentrate and keep my focus on my goal. Once again that goal was to create an online business. Days passed weeks past, I felt that I was spending so much time on the relationship that I couldn't be creative and focus. I kept saying to myself okay things will be better tomorrow, and they never were better tomorrow.

Did I do something wrong here? And by wrong I mean something other than being blindsided by the BPD?

Believe it or not, since we broke up on 7 February, at least one week after that I've been wallowing in myself because of other criteria. But once I started focusing on the fact that we were broken up and that it would never work ultimately, and that I actually needed to accomplish my goal, while I know it's a run-on sentence but I was actually more productive working on my website since we broke up then in the past four years of being together in this shabby relationship.

But I want somebody to tell me was I wrong? Did I actually try to fail or try not hard enough? Remember this is coming from a person who gave up a business of 17 years back in New York. I'm a skilled designer and I love what I do. Just like everybody else I'm trying to get over this I'm trying to find the answers I know I'm digging deep and I should be, but somehow I feel that if I know the answers they will help me to pull my head out of the mud. Thank you all

If you are gonna blame yourself for anything, blame yourself for sticking around for too long. Other than that, I have no idea how any sane grown up could have a healthy long term relationship with a 5 year old trapped in an adult body.

Good way to put it.  I know that my version of love included "better or worse" and that is where I gotta make changes in the future.  Thanks Invictus.