BPDFamily.com

Quick history, I’ve gone through validation and understanding and am stuck on the “moving on” bit of the recovery process. I also have bad PTSD.

So I’m looking at practical work around. The issue I have is outside my F.O.O. I've enjoyed excellent relationships, because they've all been give and take. But inside the BPD family it’s mostly take and unbalanced. My NPD is 100% take, my BPD is mostly take but helps if there’s something in it for her and on her terms. My sister is similar, but not BPD. My Dad is 100% give and I'm mostly give. But now my dad is old, I’m expected to do all the sorting, and I can’t because I’m ill with PTSD and NC.

This dynamic goes way back, aged 12 I would cook for my older NPD bro and sis, because our BPD just went to the pub or "couldn't cope".

So I’ve tried to re-connect, but my BPD is very aggressive, very enabled and high up the spectrum. So she’s doing the “My way or the high way” thing. So she has undermined any attempt to set boundaries, and I've kept to them. Its 18 months on now, and still no sign of her compromising one inch.

Both my syblins live around 5 hours travel away and I’m 1 hour away. But even though I’m really ill, they both think them having to travel is a better excuse than my PTSD... .So I’m prepared to cut the lot of them out forever. But for now I will forever be NC with my NPD, but want to tolerate my BPD until my dad dies. But she’s taken him hostage, and my PTSD will only allow LC. Any suggestions, anyone gone from “closest” child to LC ? 

Hi HappyChappy


You say she isn't BPD, yet also that she's similar to your BPD mom in certain ways. How has your relationship with your sister been over the years?


When you say that you're expected to do all the sorting, who exactly expects this of you? Your siblings and/or your mother perhaps? Or do you feel that your dad also expects this of you?


Boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting your own well-being regardless of whether the people with BPD in your life change their behavior or not. When you set these boundaries with your mother, did you expect her to change her behavior?


No matter what you decide to do, being mindful of your own health and taking good care of yourself is very important. What do you think would happen if you didn't break NC and didn't go help your dad? Do you feel like he can only get through this if you help him?

Kwamina Thanks for your responce. Much appreaciated and you ask some good questions. My sister's similarity is that she only helps on her terms, never if you ask. So right now is the only time in my life I remember asking for a favour - which is to discuss this with me. She says it's too painful and she has her own issues. But I asked her to copy a CD not so long again, and again she had a good excuses there also. But she has asked me to help her whilst I've been ill. So this "expectation" is more the family dynamic. Oh and I'm executor to wills and the person to call in terms of emergencies etc... etc... .

Re: my dad. He's the only one in my family that ever did anything for me on my terms. He's a very good honest and moral man. So would be nice, but not essential, to keep in touch. I would also like him to know, my PTSD and my sisters troubles are nothing to do with him. My BPD has convinced him it was.  

I think your point about me expecting my BPD to change, is a good one. Consciously I know she won't, subconsciously I guess there's still hope. Time to stub out the last embers of that  hope. What really hurts, is now knowing all those times my dad looked at me in disgust, and I had no idea why, was because my BPD had scapegoated me. The injustice of being wrongly convicted. And all the good deeds and help I gave my F.O.O was wasted time, and I was being played. Kind of like the work horse in Animal Farm, who gets carted off to the glue factory as a reward for loyalty.  Any way thanks again to the big blue bird. You’re not related to big bird of Sesame Street are you ?

Letting go of the fantasy of having a loving mother isn't easy so I understand why you struggle with this. Acceptance of the BPD reality is hard and I too often find myself struggling with the reality of my BPD mother and how her behavior has affected me. Acceptance is probably something that will continue to require work and not like a stage we reach after which we'll never find ourselves struggling again.


Maybe it will help to replace this old hope with some new realistic expectations based on the reality of BPD. Hope founded in reality.


You're dad seems to be your most positive family-member. Yet him looking at you in disgust must have been very hurtful indeed. Do you believe it was actual disgust or perhaps the way you interpreted his facial expressions as a result of all the things your mother said to you? If you're absolutely certain it were looks of disgust, I do wonder why he believed your mother when she said bad things about you without considering if there was any evidence to support her claims. Why do you think he 'allowed' himself to believe these things about you? Would you perhaps say your mother holds significant power or control over him?


Boxer was treated very poorly indeed and unfortunately awaited a sad faith :'( Good thing you found bpdfamily when you did though :)


You're welcome! And no, me and big bird aren't related  I do admire his work and longevity though. He's had an amazing international career and after all these years he still looks as young and fresh as ever :)