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In a nutshell:

H was supposed to be helping S16 with Math homework since the start of the semester. S is behind in Humanities and Spanish. I have been trying to get that straightened out in the midst of the chaos in the house at this time.

Had student led conference for S16 today. H was focused on the Spanish (hot button for him due to his own high school experience and the teacher who told him he could still be a ditch digger if he couldn’t manage Spanish-the irony since he earns a six figure salary). When we left the meeting, he was angry at me because I  was not addressing what he wanted, yet he would not discuss what to discuss at the meeting prior to the meeting. Turns out S is way behind in math, too. We have spent all day trying to catch that up and organize it, because he is supposed to turn everything in tomorrow.  (I am rather concerned about S passing this grade at all at this point).

When H comes home tonight, he’s going to be spoiling for a fight. I am stressed to the max and don’t know if I can pick my words correctly, plus math was H’s domain and it’s all messed up. I’ve loaded up on stress tabs. I know I need to gloss over the math thing, I’m hoping maybe he won’t remember it was his bailiwick? Does anyone have any tried and true words I can use to keep out of a fight? He won’t pick one about the school work, He’ll come at me over something else (like the fact that the laundry isn’t done since I’ve been teaching my son math all day….)

"When you say/do that i feel... ." is my favorite. Me owning my feelings, not dBPDgf putting those feelings on me.  Remember to repeat pwBPD's feeling back as validation, too.

Yes, honey.  I know... .this all so stressful"

Something I've been using lately that's really fun (you have to completely set aside your ego) is to enthusiastically agree with my husband. For example, if your husband said "you've been home all day and the laundry still isn't done," I would think of saying something like this: "Yes, and it's terrible. You shouldn't have to come home to such a mess." (You have to be careful to not sound even the slightest bit sarcastic. But it completely disarms my husband when I agree with him and often he'll take the opposite side, such as saying "I should help you more."

Cat Familiar, that is great. I just have to work on not looking pathetic when I say it (because I feel pretty pathetic at the moment).

lbjnltx, I'm putting that one in my emergency reserve. I can remember that any time.

Riverrat, I don't know if I have enough brain for that one today, but I'll keep that one on hand for the future. I caught myself almost yelling at my son after we'd been working for four hours (his dyslexia is not his fault, but not owning that he didn't ask for help when he found out he didn't read the assignment correctly is his downfall) and had to stop and apologize. I had other things (besides the laundry) that needed to be finished because an item I was building is going to it's owner tomorrow. (I make a little money where I can, and I'm handy with a hammer)

It's terrible when I have nothing left to give anyone and can't just lock myself in my room until the next day.

Thank you for those words. I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way now.

Ask about his feelings and totally avoid specific issues, they are all just vehicles for venting.

I agree with waverider that the feelings are more significant than this issues that are being argued. I realized this recently. My H will present a "fact" to prove his point however if I respond to the fact or his discussion of the fact things don't go very well.

You sons academic issues might have triggered your H's shame at his own academic history or his not following through with math tutoring. Also sometimes if a parent has poor boundaries then he or she sees a child as an extension of themselves, not as a separate person, so they can feel as if a child's accomplishments or difficulties are a reflection of them.

I realize that his feelings are what is at the forefront. And I am beyond certain that everything our son is going through in school is triggering him on a regular basis. Both H and S are brilliant, but both also have dyslexia and dysgraphia. Schools give lip service to helping with learning differences, but the individual teachers are hit and miss as to whether they will actually do what is required for them to do.  It's not that S can't do the math, he just gets mixed up as to what the assignment was and when it was due (same with other classes). The teachers are supposed to make sure he has the assignments, and are supposed to email them home (it's in his IEP), but they don't. Hence, nearly always behind unless I email the teacher every day for the assignments. (which I haven't been able to manage for the past three weeks).

Unfortunately, I was so exhausted, I could not have cared less. There comes a time when I have nothing left for anyone and when there is no opportunity to recharge, I have to make sure I'm not making it worse. H rarely talks about his high school years, because they were so miserable. Asking him about his feelings in these cases is a recipe for disaster. Especially when one of his major hot buttons is a problem for S. I just needed some generic things I could say when I know he's angry, won't want to discuss what he is angry about at that time, and I don't have the brain power to make sure I choose my words carefully. And people here came through for me.

When H came home and started in about the lawn needing to be mowed (I mow it on Saturdays-H and S are allergic to grass, so they tend the garden and I mow the lawn) I just said "I know, the lawn isn't very neat at the end of the week. It must not be a very pleasant sight when you first come home."  I got back " Yeah, but mowing it twice a week would be ridiculous."

End of conversation. If Cat Familiar hadn't  given me that pointer, I'd have probably said, "It will get mowed on Saturday, like I always do." and nothing good would have come from that since I'm sure there would have been frustration in my voice. Some time this weekend, we will most likely discuss how to help S get on track, or I'll just take point because H has no good reference for getting through high school. If things weren't so strained at home, I could handle this easily, but it's so odd right now.

This is good, and it works in all kinds of situations, BPD or not.  |iiii

|iiii  To you, OffRoad, and also Cat Familiar... .

The advice was perfect, and the way it was followed was also perfect!

Another "trick" I use with my BPD son (who is 38) and my Husband with BPD traits, when they are dysregulated--and I really can't figure out what exactly to say in order to not escalate the dysregulation--is to let my body language do the validating.

I'll have a compassionate, empathetic expression of interest and concern for their troubles (even if they think their troubles are me-related   ) and I'll nod my head in compassion, empathy, interest and concern. While making compassionate, empathetic, interested and concerned noises: "Hmmmm... .Oh... .Mmmmm... ." And I try to have a non-combative or taking-it-personally body stance or tone of voice.

It's not entirely "easy" to do at first, but once you do it and it works to avoid any type of further escalation or arguments, and it actually deflates the dysregulation balloon almost immediately, it is something that becomes second nature due to the positive reinforcement you will feel. It really does become easier to realize that the blow-up isn't about you at all, and to react without feeling angry or hurt.

Just another technique to add to your growing arsenal, OffRoad  

A useful technique from

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Non-defensive communication